


Hero Worship - Destiny

by KabiViolet



Series: Elizabeth Shepard [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AUish, And then I make up for it with an inordinate amount of fluff, And then a little more angst, Angst, Comfort, Daddy Issues, Developing Relationship, Drama, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Fluff, Headcanon, Humor, Hurt, I really like angst, Love, Mommy Issues, More angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2017-12-11 12:22:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 95,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KabiViolet/pseuds/KabiViolet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Shepard had a case of hero worship for her blue-eyed turian instead of the other way around?</p><p>A look at the relationship between the star-crossed lovers, carrying over time, distance, space, and all three Mass Effects.</p><p>Part 3 - Pre-ME3 through end game</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Way to Palaven

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation of "Hero Worship - Beginnings" and "Hero Worship - Resurrection" in the Elizabeth Shepard Series.
> 
> Much of the story can stand alone, but some parts will be better understood if you read Parts 1 and 2.
> 
> If you don't want to read the previous parts, a brief synopsis of the main points is as follows: Shepard has carried a secret torch for Garrus for over ten years before the events of Mass Effect 1. He saved her from something horrible as a young C-Sec Officer, but he doesn't recognize her ten years later. 
> 
> After many angsty close calls throughout the ME1 and ME2 storylines, Shepard and Garrus finally confess their feelings for each other and engage in an amazing night of interspecies awkwardness before the Omega 4 Relay suicide mission. But as the canon goes, Shepard turns herself in to the Alliance and Garrus returns to Palaven to attempt to prepare for the Reaper threat. 
> 
> Also, Shepard sings, because I say she does.
> 
> Enjoy! And thanks for reading!
> 
> As always, the characters and playground belong to Bioware.

Every time she looked out the window at the night sky, she saw the same thing. Pinprick points of light dotted the horizon, from the city below to the stars above. The hustle and bustle of the metropolis muffled in silence from her perch high above it.

The view wasn’t terrible. It could have been worse. She could have been locked up in a tiny cell with no light while Admirals Anderson and Hackett stalled her trial, but instead, Commander Elizabeth Shepard sat in a roomy apartment overlooking the Vancouver skyline. And just as she had done every night since turning herself in to the Alliance, she searched the sky for the constellation she knew pointed the way to Palaven.

Shepard preferred to sit in the dark when she was alone at night, familiar black pajama pants and tank top covering her body with legs curled up underneath her and a datapad for light reading or a drink in hand. It was easier to see the stars with the lights off, and tonight she had opted for wine and old Earth jazz piano playing in the background.

A ping at her door jolted her out of her seat by the window. Surprised to have a visitor at this hour, she put her wine glass on the table and stood up to answer it. She sighed just before pushing the speaker button and said, “Whoever you are, you’re on the wrong floor. I don’t know where my guard is, but I’m not allowed visitors without approval from –“

The door slid open suddenly, blinding her with light from the corridor. She raised her hand to cover her eyes from the harsh intrusion, and instinctively reached for the non-existent weapon at her side.

“Easy, Commander. It’s just me.”

“James!” Shepard stepped back in surprise. “What the hell –“

“Before going off duty, I saw you were still awake. Brought you something,” the imposing form of her guard strode confidently past her and into her prison. Flicking on the lights impatiently, he said, “You a vampire or something?”

Shepard just shook her head and followed him to the coffee table where she had put down her glass a moment earlier. Lieutenant James Vega placed two six packs on the coffee table and turned around with a pleased grin on his face. “Just got a package from my uncle of the best cerveza you can find on Earth. Thought I’d share. And hey – looks like you started without me.” He motioned to her half empty glass.

Shepard smiled at the strapping man in front of her. She wasn’t sure how to read the expression on Vega’s face or his particular gesture this evening. He was attractive enough. Shepard hadn’t failed to notice his strong, masculine features and well-chiseled jawline, features that generally drove her a little wild. But if this was some sort of come on from her Lieutenant-jailor, that would be an impossible situation for so many reasons ranging from Alliance regs to a certain turian that she hoped was still alive somewhere amidst those sparks of light in the sky.

“I appreciate the thought, James. What’s the occasion?” she asked.

“What? Is it so weird to want to take advantage of an opportunity?” he retorted.

“And just what opportunity is that?”

“To learn from the great Commander Shepard. What else?”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me –“

Vega ignored her and interrupted. “You got a bottle opener somewhere?”

She nodded at him, smiling, and answered, “One of the few appliances they actually let me have. In the kitchen. Second drawer to the left of the stove.”

Shepard chuckled and returned to her original perch by the window, tucking her legs back underneath her as she watched the Lieutenant search for the bottle opener. He was still wearing his usual get up – a pair of military issue slacks and a tight-fitting T-shirt, but he seemed more…easy-going this evening.

 _He’s a good soldier_ , she thought to herself. _Always does what’s expected of him on duty. Good to see him relax a bit._

“Found it!” he called from the kitchen. Shepard smiled at him as he made his way back to sit opposite her on a chair and popped open a beer for both of them. She had to admit that it was nice to have someone to talk to once in a while. This wasn’t the first time her guard had spent one of his off-duty nights keeping her company, and Vega was always entertaining.

“Thanks,” she said as he handed her a drink.

“No problemo, Commander,” he replied, sitting back and drinking deeply. “Ahh, that’s the stuff. Almost feels like home.”

“Where’s home for you, James?”

“California,” he replied with a smile. “Grew up on the beach, but not like here. A beach where you can actually swim in the water without getting hypothermia, if you know what I mean.”

“Sounds nice,” she replied with another swig of her drink.

“Yeah. I bet you’re used to these cold beaches, since you’re from Chicago and all.”

“I’m impressed, Vega. You’ve done your research. But no, not really used to the cold,” Shepard smiled. “We didn’t really make it back to Earth very often. Spent most of my life in space or on stations. Besides, it’s not like I’ve really had the chance to visit the beach here anyway.”

“Oh…yeah…right.”

The poor Lieutenant. She hadn’t meant to be rude or cruel. She was just stating a fact. She’d been under house arrest since the minute she stepped foot off the _Normandy_ four months ago. She hadn’t been allowed to do much of anything except for her daily workout when James escorted her to the gym. She rolled her eyes and looked back out the window. Of course the Alliance wanted her to stay in shape. It wouldn’t do to have Commander Fucking Shepard unable to fight when the Reapers attacked.

And they _would_ attack. The Council and the Alliance could ignore the facts all they wanted, but facts were facts. The Reapers _were_ coming. She could only hope that while she stayed locked up in this prison that the races of the galaxy made preparations, or her sacrifices and the sacrifices of so many others would be in vain.

She closed her eyes briefly, attempting to push down the thoughts of despair that threatened to crowd her mind and turned back to the Lieutenant who was looking intently at the second beer in his hand.

“So, James,” she said, placing one arm on the back of the couch, the other holding her drink. “Not that I don’t appreciate the company, but a young, handsome marine like you? Don’t you have better things to do off-duty on a Friday night?”

“You’re not gonna make me blush, Commander,” he replied. “And nope. Not much to see in this town.”

“Aw, come on. I know it’s a government hub, but there have to be some sexy marines on leave at the bars or a foreign diplomat or two in a skimpy dress looking for some company.”

“Yeah, there are plenty of people like that. Just not in the mood.”

“No girlfriend out there to have a vidcomm with or even write a damn letter?”

“Not many women in the galaxy who could handle all this, Commander.” He grinned while he motioned to his torso.

“Pfft. Right. You could have just said you’re not the letter writing type. I can just see it now. ‘Dear Maria, I think you are pretty. Want to bump uglies? Signed, Jimmy Vega.’”

The marine just shook his head at her and laughed. “Give me a little more credit than that,” he said. She liked Vega. He helped take her mind off things, both on-duty and off. Usually, his playful banter distracted her from her own problems or those of the galaxy until he said something like what came out of his mouth next.

“Not like your letters would be any better,” he teased.

She rewarded the lieutenant with a half-smile.

“Probably not,” she said quietly. “Guess we’ll never find out, since I can’t send one anyway.”

“Damn, Commander, I didn’t mean –“

“I know you didn’t, Vega. It’s alright. We’re good.”

Shepard returned her gaze to the night sky, looking for that constellation that made her heart flutter and her skin tingle at the thought of feather light touches with leathery fingers, hot breaths on her neck while she was half asleep, and a rumbling, two-toned voice in her ear.

 _“I love you…”_ the voice whispered in her memory, over and over and over again.

She finished her drink and reached for another one. James cleared his throat, attempting to lighten the conversation a little.

“Maybe it’s a good thing. I’d guess the great Commander Shepard would have too much fanmail to keep up with if they allowed you to write to people.”

Shepard grunted and popped open the beer in her hand. She took a deep swig and returned her gaze to the stars out the window.

“Maybe. Maybe not,” she said. “But there’s only one I would write back to….”

She was glad Vega didn’t push any farther. They simply drank their beers in silence and watched the lights dance through the window.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Oh, Garrus, I’m so glad you’re here.”

Solana Vakarian collapsed into her brother’s arms as he entered the room. Garrus bent his head down to rest on top of his sister’s and wrapped his arms around her.

“I’m sorry it took so long. I didn’t get the message until after my meeting with the Primarch. I told them to interrupt, but they didn’t take it seriously and –“

“It’s ok. I’m just glad you’re here now.” Solana pulled back and looked over at the bed where their mother lay sleeping. She looked happy – peaceful – as Tavius Vakarian sat at her bedside, holding the non-responsive hand of his life partner. Garrus could hear the faint beeping of the monitor next to his mother, but if he had judged by appearance alone, he would have thought she was already gone.

“Dad,” Garrus said slowly, pulling himself from his sister’s grasp and walking to stand beside his father at his mother’s side.

“Hello, Son.” His father’s voice was tired and worn. For the first time in his life, Garrus thought his father sounded…unsure. The thought stirred something within Garrus. He had never seen his father this way, which made Garrus feel hesitant and uncertain of what to do and how to act. He looked around him and found another chair as Solana assumed a seat on the other side of the bed. Pulling the extra chair beneath him, he sat next to his father and tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder. He was surprised to see his father turn to face him and flash a brief grin with barely flared mandibles, sadness underlying the superficial expression.

“It’s good that you are here,” Tavius Vakarian said, almost inaudibly.

They sat in silence for what seemed like hours, listening to the faint beeping of the machine and watching the slow rise and fall of Livia Vakarian’s chest. Eventually, a salarian doctor quietly entered the room. The Vakarian family watched as the doctor used his instruments and a scanner to check the vitals of the beloved matriarch lying asleep in the bed.

“It won’t be long now,” he said, surprisingly heartfelt. “My sympathies to each of you.”

“Thank you for all you have tried to do,” Solana said, looking up at the doctor as he turned to leave. Nodding, he slipped out of the room and programmed the door to shut and lock behind him, giving the family some privacy.

The three turians watched in silent reverence as the time between heartbeats grew longer and breaths more shallow. Garrus found himself staring at his father’s hand entwined with his mother’s. Not once did his father release her grasp. Not once did he move. He sat in silent worship of the turian woman he had spent his life with, and that was something Garrus could understand. For just a moment, the younger Vakarian remembered what it felt like to have five tiny fingers entwined with his three and his heart yearned to feel them again.

Only a few moments later, the beeping of the monitor turned to a steady tone and Livia Vakarian’s chest rose no more. There were no last words to be said, no miraculous awakening for final goodbyes. She passed quietly in her sleep, feeling no pain, with only the touch of her partner, refusing to let go of her hand until she was gone.

Solana collapsed against the side of the bed, slow, muffled sobs escaping her mouth. Tavius Vakarian finally let go of the fingers he held with his own. Garrus stared at the picture in front of him, an unspeakable grief filling his chest and threatening to burst out of him with a roar. But that was not the way to mourn the calm, patient mother who had loved and raised him. Instead, Garrus turned to his father and said quietly, “Come on, Dad. Let’s go home.”

His father stood silently in acquiescence. Garrus rose with him, and replaced his hand on his father’s shoulder. Before they left, however, Tavius gripped the edge of his partner’s bed and bent down low, pressing his forehead against that of the figure on the bed. Wordlessly, he held the pose for several seconds and closed his eyes, causing Solana’s sobs to become more pronounced. Eventually, the Vakarian patriarch stood up and nodded at Garrus who met eyes with Solana over the bed.

Together, the three turians moved for the door, Garrus’s left hand on his father’s shoulder and his right arm around the shoulders of his little sister, silently attempting to lift the burden of loss from them. Briefly, he tilted his head to look at his mother once more before exiting the room. She looked so serene. For the first time in months, the confused and agitated expression that had dominated her noble features was gone.

 _Don’t worry, Mom_ , he thought. _I’ll take care of them._

He led his family through the door, feeling the weight of his new responsibility as what remained of the Vakarian clan walked slowly through the glass walled corridor of the hospital. It was a heavy load and Garrus silently requested strength from the Spirits to sustain him through his grief.

The blue-eyed turian looked to his left through the glass of the corridor windows. It had been just before sunset on Palaven when he had rushed to the hospital at the news that his mother’s condition had worsened dramatically. Now it was dark, and Garrus spotted a particular group of stars. Garrus purposely looked for these stars each night as he searched the sky in the direction of something – or someone – he hoped to see again. He took comfort as the distant lights twinkled, as if the Spirits were reassuring him that he would not always bear this, or any of his burdens, alone.

There was a human woman in the direction of those stars who could understand his feelings of loss better than anyone as he mourned his mother. A human woman who had suffered her own grief at the bitter and painful loss of her father.

 _“I love you…”_ her voice said in his head. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to help him walk through the doors at the end of the hospital corridor and into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my beta, NancyK. Although she is not a member of the AO3 community, she is an invaluable resource to me.
> 
> Also, thanks to those of you who have been so kind and helpful to me as I have delved into this project. If you have read my previous parts to this series, you know that this undertaking is my first attempt at fanfiction. I have been overwhelmed by the kind, supportive, and constructive feedback I have received that has spurned me onward and helped me become better (I hope) at writing!
> 
> Thanks to all of you and I hope you enjoy Part 3!


	2. They've Hit Earth

“Advisor Vakarian, sir, we’ve just received word that the shipment of supplies arrived on Taetrus late last night. General Axim adds that they are following your instructions and distributing food and weapons as quickly and efficiently as possible.”

Garrus turned around to see the eager Private standing in the doorway, maintaining a typical salute. Even though he had held the position of Expert Reaper Advisor for nearly four of the six months since returning to Palaven, Garrus still wasn’t used to being saluted or called “sir.” He nodded at the younger turian.

“Thank you, Private, uh…Salvius, was it?”

“Yes, sir.” The red-plated Private had an astonished look on his face, apparently shocked that _Advisor_ Vakarian remembered his name.

“That will be all unless you receive any further news.”

The enthusiastic soldier saluted again and ducked quickly out of the room. After the door slid shut behind him, Garrus resumed his previous pose, leaning against the edge of the table upon which was displayed a holographic system map. The room held a council of some of the highest authorities in the Turian Hierarchy – Primarch Fedorian, Tavius Vakarian, Adrien Victus, Falin Corinthus, and few other high-ranking Advisors – and Garrus felt honored to be included in the circle. He always felt a little out of place at these meetings, recalling that not long ago he had been a failed C-Sec Officer posing as a vigilante, but he continued to update the circle of turian leaders on the progress of his task force, as he had been doing before Salvius had entered the room.

“It appears everything you requested is in order,” Primarch Fedorian said when Garrus concluded.

“It’s what I’ve been able to do with the amount of resources and time I was given,” Garrus replied, attempting to hide the underlying bite to his tone. It was true that they had accomplished what Garrus had asked for – strengthened lines of communication, the last shipment of emergency supplies distributed to each colony in turian space. But the reality of the situation was that Garrus knew none of it was enough. The Reapers were coming, and even with the preparations his task force had made, he knew they were no match for the oncoming enemy. All he had done was buy them some time when the attack came – time to evacuate and hopefully minimize the loss of life that would inevitably occur.

Tavius Vakarian didn’t miss the hint of annoyance in his son’s tone and attempted to soften the veiled insult. “This was a good strategy. If we are hit by a significantly stronger force than our own, no matter what force that is, we are as prepared as possible for an emergency evacuation and defensive tactics.”

Garrus appreciated the support of his father. That was completely new territory for him as he was used to his father doubting every step he took, but since returning to Palaven and especially since the death of Garrus’s mother, Tavius Vakarian had seemed to see his son in a new light and the difference was plainly evident to Garrus.

But just as Garrus was about to accept the compliment, Private Salvius barged back in, this time lacking his previous composure and display of respect. He was panting and out of breath, his mandibles pulled tight against his face in an expression of distress.

“Primarch Fedorian, sir…we have just received word from the Citadel Council.” The Private paused to catch his breath again. Garrus quickly glanced around the room and noticed that all the faces around the war table looked as shocked as he felt at the young turian’s frightened tone.

“Well, spit it out, Private. What is it?” The Primarch appeared to have even less patience with this sudden and startling disruption.

“It’s Earth, sir.”

 _Earth?_ Garrus’s stomach plummeted. _What about Earth?_

“The Reapers – They’ve hit Earth.”

“Spirits...” Garrus heard his own voice escape his mouth. The rest of the room was silent as he gripped the edge of the table next to him for support. He needn’t look around to know that the other soldiers and leaders felt similar emotions, but he knew none of them could truly understand the fear that gripped his heart in that moment.

None of them had someone they loved on the human homeworld.

It was a strange sensation, but Garrus felt his father’s hand on his shoulder, attempting to hold him up. He looked next to him and found the older face staring into his own, a clear understanding passing between the pair of matching blue eyes. His father nodded at him and then turned back to the Private.

“How bad is it?” Tavius Vakarian asked.

“The message we received from the Council reports the planet lost, sir.”

 _She would survive_ , Garrus tried to reassure himself. _She would find a way. She always does. Even death couldn’t stop her…_

The hand on his shoulder tightened its grip as Garrus felt his eyes clouding over and his fingers gripping the table harder than before.

“Thank you, Private,” Primarch Fedorian responded. “That will be all.”

The door slid shut behind Salvius and the group of turians turned back to face each other. If Garrus had been more himself, he would have noticed the apologetic and embarrassed looks from every member of the group surrounding the table, seemingly ashamed for not completely believing his warnings until now. But the words didn’t need to be said. Telling the officials in the room “I told you so” was the last thing on Garrus’s mind. His thoughts, while concerned for the future of Palaven, were not completely there. Garrus was finding it difficult to focus on anything but an image of Commander Elizabeth Shepard – _his_ Lizzie – trapped in some sort of holding cell on Earth as the Reapers ripped her homeworld apart.

A quick squeeze from his father’s hand brought him back to reality as the warm pressure released his shoulder. Garrus shook his head and looked up to listen as the Primarch spoke.

“Victus, I need you to mobilize all Palaven forces and make preparations for our defense from Menae should the Reapers attempt to come here. Corinthus, you will accompany him and organize the ground forces as well as contact the remaining Generals planet-side. Tavius, as planned, you will prepare for the evacuation procedures should the Reapers attack us here. I will send word to all colonies that emergency protocols are in place and notify the remaining Advisors of the situation as well.”

The Primarch turned to face Garrus directly as he said, “Garrus, you will assist Victus with any and all support that he needs. Coordinate with the teams on Menae and do not hesitate to give your own orders if you see a way we can improve or a weakness that can be exploited should we come under attack.”

Garrus blinked at the turian near him. What Fedorian had just done was unprecedented in all of turian military history.

Garrus now had free reign to command the turian military. He was not a General, and although his position as Expert Reaper Advisor had granted him parallel privileges and authority in policy-making, it did not give him power over the military. But now Garrus could bypass approval from the Generals surrounding the table or even the Primarch himself. Granted, this was clearly a temporary emergency power and would not technically influence his positional standing in the Hierarchy, but the gesture was unmistakable.

Garrus Vakarian had just become one of the most powerful turians in the Hierarchy, and everyone at the table knew it.

He was humbled by the trust placed in him, but he knew that the power he had just been given was not something to be abused. He fully intended to respect the usual chain of command as much as possible should the Reapers attack turian space. However, he couldn’t help the small swell of pride he felt, especially when he saw the look on his father’s face beside him.

Garrus didn’t trust his voice in that moment, so he simply nodded in response.

“You all have your assignments,” the Primarch continued. “Dismissed, and Spirits help us.”

Garrus and his father walked side by side through the doors. They strode in silence through the capital building and eventually entered the privacy of Tavius Vakarian’s office. As soon as the doors slid shut, the elder turian asked, “Were you ever able to hear from her or get a message through?”

Garrus was surprised that this was the first thing his father wanted to talk about when they had a minute alone. His heart fluttered nervously at the thought of Shepard again, but also warmed when he realized that his father cared enough to talk to him about it. He had tried countless times to get Anderson to deliver a message to his Lizzie, but all he knew was she was on complete lockdown – no visitors, no messages.

Still not trusting his voice, Garrus shook his head.

“I know words mean next to nothing, but she is a strong woman, Garrus. If she could survive even half of the things you told me about, then I have no doubt that she would find a way to survive this.”

“I hope you’re right, Dad.”

His father’s face looked pained, browplates furrowed together in a worried expression. Garrus was still not accustomed to this kinder, gentler, more patient version of his father. Perhaps he was trying to make up for all those years he had been hard on Garrus, or perhaps he was simply trying to be both father and mother to his son, attempting to say what he thought Livia would say to comfort him. But whatever the reason, Garrus appreciated his father’s surprising thoughtfulness.

“She wouldn’t want me to give up,” Garrus said. “Even when all seemed lost, she would lead us as if there was nothing to fear. I know she sometimes felt afraid, but she never let on – at least not in front of the crew.” He stood up and made his way over to the window on the other side of the room.

“I will fight for our people and defend them as best I can when the Reapers come – and they _will_ come. It’s only a matter of time now.”

Garrus felt his father walk over to stand next to him as they looked out over the shining capital city of Cipritine, his father’s hand again finding a resting place on Garrus’s shoulder.

“I can do that for her.”

Garrus normally did not attempt to connect with the Spirits, but for the second time since returning to Palaven, he silently pleaded with them that somehow they would inspire Shepard to find a way to live and that he would find the strength to hold out until she was in his arms again – alive.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Shepard almost laughed when Anderson told her why she was being summoned before the defense committee. Garrus’s voice rang true in her memory.

 

_“The Reapers will be here sooner than anyone wants to believe. And when they come, we all know what the Alliance and the Council will do. Who do you think they will turn to when they are in a bind, Lizzie? People like you and me – those of us who have been on the front lines. Commander Fucking Shepard – the only person in the galaxy to face a Reaper and win.”_

 

Her mouth twisted into a half-smile as she thought, _Prophecy fulfilled, Garrus._

She listened as Anderson explained the situation, but still didn’t understand what the defense committee expected her to do.

“I’m just a soldier, Anderson,” she said. “I’m no politician.”

“I don’t need you to be either,” he responded. “I just need you to do whatever the hell it takes to help us stop the Reapers.” With James in tow, Shepard followed Anderson to the defense committee chambers.

“Good luck in there, Shepard,” Vega said. She turned briefly to shake his hand, but just as she rotated back around, she heard a familiar voice.

“Shepard.”

 

_“I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I... I loved you.”_

 

She shuddered at the memory as she raised her eyes to see Kaidan Alenko walking toward her.

“Kaidan…” she replied. She walked over to stand next to Anderson as the two men exchanged a few words. Shepard found herself tuning out the conversation as she attempted to control the emotions in her chest.

Kaidan Alenko. Her former Lieutenant – apparently a Major now. He was still as handsome as she remembered and ever the dutiful soldier. “Waiting for orders” she had heard him say. Shepard had hoped never to see this man again – the man she had used and spurned. The man who provided a painful reminder of one of her most guilt-ridden memories.

She shoved the feelings down. _Time to be a soldier_ , she heard her mother’s voice in her head, reminding her of her responsibilities. _Put the emotions away and deal with the problem at hand._

“Sorry, Shepard,” the Major said. “It’s been…well…”

“That’s okay. Just glad I bumped into you, Kaidan.” Shepard wondered if Kaidan could hear her guilty conscience in her voice. As she walked past him to meet with the defense committee, he smiled at her. A real…almost soft smile – the way he had before Ilos – before she had made one of the biggest mistakes of her life.

 _Worry about the Major later, Elizabeth_. _Worry about the Reapers now._

She went through the motions – affording the defense committee the respect she knew the members felt it deserved, but inwardly, she wanted to spit in the face of each one of them. They had ignored her. Mocked her. Used her as a scapegoat. And now they wanted her help?

And they knew she would give it to them. They knew where her real loyalties were, even if they used the media to turn her into a terrorist and a traitor. They knew she wouldn’t turn her back on her people or the races of the galaxy.

_Garrus, if only you could see this…I can just picture the smug grin on your face…_

“If we’re going to have any chance of surviving this,” she said, attempting to win the committee to her side, “we have to stand together.”

“That’s it?” one of the Council members asked. “That’s our plan?”

A voice from the side of the room stole everyone’s attention.

“Admiral, we’ve lost contact with Luna Base.”

The vidstream from UK Headquarters solidified what Shepard already knew. It was already too late.

“What do we do?” The previously frustrated Council member now sounded afraid. Shepard sighed. _If you would have listened to me before, we might have had time to prepare, but now…_ She shook her head. This was not the time to think about should-have-beens or could-have-beens. This was the time for action.

“The only thing we can. We fight or we die.”

Anderson stood next to her. “We should get to the _Normandy_.” But even Anderson’s comment came too late. A deep, ringing boom resonated throughout the chamber and triggered the adrenaline response her body had held off until now.

The explosion as the Reaper beam struck just outside the defense committee window threw her across the ground and knocked her senseless for a few moments. She opened her eyes to the sight of Anderson running toward her, calling her name.

“Here, take this,” he said, handing her a weapon. “We’ve got to get moving.”

The gun felt strange in her hand. It had been six months since she’d held one. She tossed it lightly to feel its weight and hoped she still remembered how to shoot.

Shepard was relieved to discover she did remember, and in fact, she was still damn good at shooting husks clean in the head as she and Anderson made their way out of the burning building. Although she wished there was no need to shoot at all, wishing wouldn’t stop the fact that the Reapers were here, invading her world, and massacring her people. She followed Anderson as they attempted to rendezvous with the _Normandy_.

While the two soldiers ran over the tops of buildings, killing husks and cannibals as they approached the landing platform, Shepard remembered why she admired Anderson so much and why he reminded her of her father. The Admiral hadn’t missed a beat. He still knew how to handle a gun and how to defend against the enemy. He hadn’t lost it, even while being stuck in a desk job. It had been too long since she had fought side by side with her mentor, and she was grateful to be back at his side now.

Finally, they found a radio and Anderson contacted the _Normandy_. Anderson turned on the distress beacon, but before they knew it, cannibals and husks were being dropped around them in droves.

“Just like old times,” Shepard muttered to herself as she crouched in cover to fight off the waves of enemies rushing her position.

“What was that, Shepard?” Anderson shouted over the din.

“Just something Garrus used to say,” Shepard smiled as she thought of her favorite turian.

“Too bad he’s not here,” Anderson replied. “We could use a soldier like him in this fight.”

 _You have no idea_ , Shepard thought, but returned to the task at hand.

The cannibals kept coming. There seemed to be no end to them. Shepard resorted to using her biotic abilities, carefully placing them to maximize how many enemy targets she could hit at once.

“Anderson, I’m almost out of ammo!” she cried, but no sooner did she speak than she heard the second familiar voice of the day.

“The cavalry has arrived!”

Joker sounded exactly the same. Shepard looked up to see the _Normandy_ bank to the left overhead, and her heart surged with hope at the welcome sight of the ship – _her_ ship.

“Let’s go!” She clambered up the debris and felt herself fly through the air to land on the  docking platform as it dropped down to her.

“Welcome aboard, Shepard,” Kaidan said to her left. She ignored the twinge of shame she felt as she saw him and replied, “Thanks.”

Anderson had been right behind her. “Come on!” she called as he reached the edge of the wreckage.

“I’m not going,” he said.

 _What???_ She had no words. She listened as Anderson continued.

“You saw those men back there. There’s a million more like them and they need a leader.”

 _Yeah, but it doesn’t have to be you…._ Shepard knew she couldn’t convince him otherwise, but she had to try. As she stood on the panel, looking down at the man who had been like a father to her for so many years, the colors around her swirled and combined with her adrenaline to twist the moment into a strange blend of past and present.

 

_As her father fell to the ground, just a few paces away from her, Elizabeth Shepard’s heart broke. She ran to his side and cupped his head in her hands._

_“Dad! Dad, no!”_

_“Lizzie Baby. It’ll be ok,” he gasped. “I promise. You have to help them…” And he had closed his eyes. Panicked, grief-stricken, furious, she had defended the colonists with all her might, as her father had commanded, until the reinforcements came._

 

It was a different man in front of her, a different enemy, and a different time, but the feelings she felt were eerily similar. She couldn’t let that happen again, but just as she had no choice when her real father had ordered her to protect those around her, she knew she had no choice but to do what Anderson asked of her now.

Go to the Council. Get help. Leave him on Earth.

She had one more weapon in her arsenal, however.

“I don’t take orders from you anymore, remember?”

She watched as Anderson reached into his pocket and threw something to her.

“Consider yourself reinstated…Commander,” he said. She caught the object and stared at what she held in her hands.

Her tags. The ones they had stripped from her when they grounded her ship and locked her up. The ones Liara had taken such pains to find. The ones her father had been allowed to give her the day she graduated from basic.

They felt heavier than she remembered, the metal tingling against her skin as she turned them over, running her thumb along the name inscribed on the surface.

“You know what you have to do.”

She looked at Anderson, choked down the tears in her throat and said, “I’ll be back for you, and I’ll bring every fleet I can.”

Moving further into the ship, she looked over her shoulder for one last glance at the man she had looked up to for so long, the man who had defended her before the Council and the Alliance, the man who had filled a void in her life when her father died.

“Good luck,” she said.

“You too, Shepard.”

She watched as Anderson nodded and ran back towards the destruction that she was escaping. She felt as if her heart was physically attached to the man in his blue uniform, and the further he ran, the harder it pulled against her chest, threatening to break free and leave her a gasping mess on the floor of the ship.

She continued to watch as the _Normandy_ took them higher and higher. Buildings tumbled. Ships were blown out of the sky. Screams of men, women, and children could be heard in between the peals of gunfire and war.

This was perhaps the hardest thing she had ever done. Fighting. Protecting. Defending. Those were things she knew. But standing by and watching as her world crashed and crumbled around her, as innocent people were slaughtered before her eyes – that rivaled some of the worst experiences of her life.

Losing her father. Forced separation from the turian she loved. And now, abandoning her homeworld as it burned beneath her.

Her only hope now was that the Council would hear her pleas and the galaxy would rally behind her – behind Earth – as they tried to save themselves from utter destruction.

 _Garrus_ … _Please be out there. I need you at my side, now more than ever_. _I can’t do this alone…_

She closed her eyes, attempting to shut out the images before her, but they seemed even more vivid against the cool dark of her eyelids. The soldiers who had died as she watched from the safety of the _Normandy_. A little boy, looking up to her, pleading for a miracle from his evac shuttle before being shot out of the sky.

Shepard’s eyelids flashed back open. Kaidan and James stood before her, waiting for her orders. She squared her shoulders and stepped past them into the familiar belly of the _Normandy_.

But she knew that the picture of Earth burning would dance at the back of her mind forever.


	3. For You

_This day just gets longer and longer_ , Shepard thought as she stared down at the lifeless body in the med bay.

It was the same thought that had been running through her head since the moment the Reapers had attacked and Earth was thrown into chaos. She hadn’t been wrong. The day had one bright spot – the moment when Liara T’Soni dropped out of the vent in the Mars Archives facility and Shepard was reunited with her asari friend. Other than that, the day had continued to get longer and longer as Shepard, Liara, and Kaidan fought wave after wave of Cerberus goons.

On top of everything else, Kaidan had been testing Shepard’s patience all day, challenging her loyalties and suspecting her of double-dealing with Cerberus around every turn. Shepard did her best to appease him and keep the situation calm. This was not the time for petty squabbles over past disagreements, but as Kaidan continually pestered her with questions about her previous relationship with Cerberus, Shepard had found herself thinking what she had thought earlier that day when she saw Kaidan for the first time in almost a year.

She had hoped never to see him again – partly because of her own guilt over events of the past, but also because of his obvious lack of trust in her since the encounter on Horizon.

But now, after the day’s events were over, she found herself regretting the earlier reflection. No matter what Kaidan had said to her or thought about her, he didn’t deserve this fate – he didn’t deserve to be bashed to death by some abomination of Cerberus’s creation that dared wear the face of a human. Dr. Eva Core had revealed herself to be something other than completely human, and now Kaidan’s limp body lay sprawled on the med bay table, his chest barely moving with each breath.

 

_“Can I head back to the ship with you?” Kaidan was so eager after Shepard’s debut performance at the Chicago jazz club. Garrus was perfect, but she was beginning to give up on the idea that he would ever be interested in her._  

_She turned back to her Lieutenant and flashed her teeth. “Sure, Kaidan. I’d like that.”_

_They headed for the door. She let herself look one last time over her shoulder at her turian hero. She could have sworn she caught him quickly glancing away from her, but maybe not. He seemed deeply engrossed in a conversation with Liara at the moment. Her shoulders sagged slightly, but she turned back to see Kaidan still grinning at her, sheepishly._

Take happiness where you can find it _, she heard her mother’s voice. And maybe Hannah Shepard was right this time._

_In that moment, she made a decision._

_She turned her back on the club and left with the man who loved her._

_Kaidan was a perfect gentleman. He never treated her with anything but respect, especially in these moments that they had alone. Usually, the only time they had alone was when Shepard made her rounds and checked up on each crewmember. Tonight was the first time that the Commander found herself_ completely _alone with her Lieutenant, away from the ship, away from the crew, away from Garrus._

_“It’s a little chilly tonight,” Kaidan said, smiling at her. “Would you like my jacket? I’m warm enough.”_

_Shepard admitted she was a little cold in her thin civvies and took the offered covering gratefully. As she wrapped the jacket around her shoulders, Kaidan offered her his arm, and she took it with a smile. What girl wouldn’t kill for a man as attractive as Kaidan Alenko to treat her this way? Shepard knew this was against regulations, but she had never been very good with rules against fraternization anyway. And if she was honest with herself, the only thing that had kept her away from Kaidan this long was her pointless hope that her favorite turian would show any sign of interest in her._

_Kaidan was smart, kind, strong, and incredibly attractive…he just wasn’t Garrus. The only unattractive characteristic he had shown so far was his open admiration, sometimes even borderline worship of her. It made her uncomfortable and she had avoided any time alone with him for that reason, trying to find some way to hint to him that he needed to let it go. But now, under the night sky of Chicago, city noises and sky traffic above them as they walked together, his jacket comfortably situated on her shoulders, it didn’t feel as awkward as she thought it might to be alone with him. She might even admit that it was nice…_

_“You really did play and sing beautifully tonight, Shepard,” Kaidan cleared his throat, sounding a little nervous. “I hope you’re not too mad at me for putting you in that position, but I’m not sorry. I think you – I mean, I think the crew – needed this tonight.”_

_She looked over at Kaidan and chuckled lightly. Surprisingly, she wasn’t mad at him at all._

_“You know, Kaidan, you’re right. I did need this tonight.” She looked up at the moon above them, remembering that only a few short hours earlier, she had appreciated the view of the human homeworld from that surface, Garrus and Tali at her side. “The mission…everything…it’s been really stressful. Music helps me relax and I very rarely have a chance to play anymore.”_

_“Where did you learn to play like that, if you don’t mind me asking?” Kaidan said._

_“Oh, I don’t mind at all,” she said, and she meant it. She would use any excuse she had to talk about the happy memories she had of her father. “My dad was a fantastic musician. He had considered to be a professional before plans changed and he joined the Alliance. He taught me what he could when we had time. It’s a gift he gave me that can never be taken away.”_

_“So…was that song special to you? Or to him?”_

_“Both, actually,” Shepard reminisced. “That was the first song I ever heard him play. It’s a little sentimental. Some people might call it cheesy, but I’ve listened to it so many times and…I think there’s so much more to it, you know? It’s not just a silly song about rainbows and bluebirds – it’s a song about hope, a hope for something beyond what we can see in front of us.”_

_The docking bay was in sight now. Shepard paused and turned to Kaidan. She had something to say and she wanted to look at him directly when she said it._

_“Thank you, Kaidan,” she said softly. “I needed tonight more than you might know.”_

_She meant it. She meant every word. Tonight had not only let her commune for a few moments with the memory of her father, but she had come to the harsh realization that Garrus Vakarian would never love her. She needed to get over it, move on, and focus on the mission. Her heart ached, but she knew that this moment had been a long time coming. Why would a turian like Garrus ever fall for a human like her anyway?_

_“Well, you know me, Commander,” Kaidan’s mouth was twisted in a sarcastic half-smile as he broke her out of her contemplation. “Always doing what’s best for the mission and the crew.”_

_She returned his teasing smile, but just as she spun around to finish the last few steps to the shuttle, he stopped her, holding onto her elbow._

_“And for you.”_

_She looked up into his eyes. They were absolutely striking, but they weren’t blue. His chiseled jawline and perfectly white teeth smiling at her in the moonlight were the model of masculine beauty, but they weren’t the hardened features of a gray-plated turian. It wasn’t his fault – Kaidan Alenko’s face simply wasn’t the face she longed to see._

_But there was more than just good looks staring at her from behind that gorgeous face – there was complete adoration. She didn’t deserve his love._

_She leaned into him and gave her Lieutenant a light kiss on the cheek. She was rewarded with a slight flush of his honey-colored skin and another brilliant smile._

_He deserved so much better._

 

Shepard’s thoughts were the same as they were over two years ago as she looked down at the unconscious Major before her. Kaidan Alenko deserved so much better. He had deserved better than her and he deserved more than a death in such a cruel and disrespectful manner. If a soldier like Kaidan was going to die, then he deserved to die either fighting in battle or retired and surrounded by fat grandbabies. Neither of those things had happened today, and she didn’t intend to let Kaidan go that easily.

Liara’s voice sounded in her ear, startling her as she fussed over Kaidan’s body.

“Kaidan needs medical attention.” Liara leaned down to place herself in Shepard’s field of vision. “We have to leave the Sol system.”

“I know,” Shepard replied curtly.

“The Citadel is our best chance. We can find help there.”

“Get us to the Citadel, Joker,” Shepard ordered.

“ _Roger that_ ,” Joker said.

Shepard looked down at Kaidan’s injured body again, her heart aching with guilt and shame and fear of losing someone she had once called a friend.

 

_“Always doing what’s best for the mission and the crew…And for you.”_

 

“Hold on, Kaidan…” she whispered.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Dad?”

“ _I’m here, Son. Everything is in order. The evacuations have begun.”_ Garrus breathed a sigh of relief as he heard his father’s voice. “ _How are things on Menae?”_

They hadn’t had much time. Only a few hours after Primarch Fedorian deployed his officials on their respective assignments, Taetrus had gone dark and the turian military prepared for the worst as quickly as possible. Thanks to Garrus’s task force, they wouldn’t be caught with their pants down, but Garrus wasn’t sure how well they would survive a Reaper attack regardless. Now Garrus sat in a military facility on Menae, watching ships disembark form his home planet and waiting on edge with the rest of the military for what was sure to come. He was grateful that his new position of authority gave him exclusive access to a small comm alcove and he was using a spare minute to contact his family planet-side.

“We’re as prepared as we can be. I wish the Primarch would have listened to us sooner or given us more resources. We’re still not even remotely prepared for this.”

“ _I know, Son, but you did your best. Now we fight and hope that it is enough.”_

“How’s Sol doing? Is she worried?”

“ _You know, Sol. She wishes she were on Menae fighting with you, but I’m glad to have her with me. She’s organized and efficient – a good resource to help with the evacuations. We got the first wave of ships off an hour ago thanks to her.”_

_“_ That’s great, Dad.”

“ _Oh – Hold on, Garrus. Your sister is pressing me to let her talk to you for a minute.”_

Garrus heard some shuffling as his sister exchanged places to speak to Garrus on the comm. Everyone on Palaven knew that the Reapers were coming now. The comms were overloaded with people trying to contact relatives and friends. Garrus knew that his father and sister were in the Cipritine headquarters, heading the evacuation effort, and probably using one of the few comms in a small niche of the Primarch’s office that had a guaranteed connection at all times.

“ _You know you’re the worst brother in the world,”_ Sol said when she came on the line.

Garrus laughed. “Yes, I know. But tell me what I did to deserve it this time?”

“ _You know I should be up there with you.”_

“From what Dad says, you’re extremely useful where you are, just as I knew you would be.”

“ _My only consolation in this shit assignment you’ve given me is that once Dad and I evacuate everyone else, we can head to the Citadel and I can look for Commander Shepard for you.”_

Garrus didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected his sister to take it upon herself to do something like that for him.

“ _If there’s any word of her at all, Garrus, I’ll find out and send it to you if I can.”_

Garrus knew that it might be impossible for Solana to send him any information once the Reapers attacked. Comm channels would probably be completely out and who knew what would even be left of the moon he stood on right now, but he appreciated what his sister was trying to say.

“Thanks, Sol.”

“ _Pft! Don’t thank me. I just like you owing me favors, that’s all.”_

Garrus couldn’t help but smile. His family had never been very good at showing their emotions. They usually did so through actions, but if there was anything Garrus had learned in the last few years, it was that there really was no time like the present. He had almost lost a chance to tell his father and sister what they meant to him by nearly getting killed on Omega. He thought he had lost his chance to tell Shepard about his true feelings for her when she died. He wasn’t sure if he would ever get to speak to his sister again – hell, he didn’t know if he would survive the initial onslaught of the Reapers and if that was the case, he wanted his sister to know something.

“I love you, Sol.”

Silence on the channel for several seconds.

“ _I love you too, Garrus, but Spirits, don’t get all doom and gloom on me now. You better be on the Citadel to meet us soon.”_

That was the plan – the hopeful plan. Tavius and Solana would evacuate the civilians on the planet, then they would evacuate as well. Garrus would join them after a glorious victory against the Reapers.

The words not being said were those that Solana wouldn’t allow Garrus to say, but both of them knew.

There would be no victory against the Reapers here. The best they could hope to do would be to protect the civilian ships as much as possible as they withdrew.

“ _Dad wants to talk to you again. Hang on.”_

Garrus heard rustling noises again as his sister and his father traded places.

“ _Son, we have to go. The next evacuation wave is preparing to disembark and we need to prepare for wave three.”_

“I know, Dad. I just…”

Garrus trailed off. It was easier to tell his sister he loved her. It wasn’t so easy to put those words in his mouth for his father. Not that he didn’t love his father, he just wasn’t sure he had ever used that phrase in a conversation with Tavius Vakarian before.

“ _Take care of yourself, Son. I know how much you will worry about us, but we will be fine. I will be with Solana the whole time. Won’t let her out of my sight.”_

“I’ll see you on the Citadel as soon as I can.”

“ _We’ll be there.”_

The line went silent. Garrus sighed and walked out of the sheltered alcove that housed the comm. He turned to his right to look at the planet above him. There it was – Palaven – with Cipritine a shining beacon on the planet’s surface. His home. The place where he had been born, raised, trained, and the place his family was preparing to abandon.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he almost didn’t hear General Victus walk up next to him.

“It’s a fantastic view, isn’t it?” the elder turian said. Garrus glanced quickly to his left and nodded.

“Yes, it is,” he replied. The two turians stood in silence for several moments, taking in the view of their home. Finally, Victus clapped Garrus on the shoulder and turned to face him.

“Let’s give the Reapers hell, Vakarian.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”


	4. Last Hope for Survival

It happened all too quickly.

The comms went silent, and an eerie atmosphere descended upon the soldiers stationed on Menae. Everyone could feel it. Garrus had stood behind a barricade as the first Reapers came into sight, an overwhelming fear threatening to freeze him in place, but he knew he couldn’t be paralyzed by terror. He was a leader now – he _had_ to be a leader, whether he felt like one or not. But in the end, it was Shepard’s voice in his head that kept him going.

 

_“You will lead that team, and you will do a damn fine job of it, because leading is what you were born to do!”_

 

She had used those words before their attack on the Collector base, and he reminded himself now of the confidence she had in him. Because of her, he fought hard. He fought with everything he had, but whenever he looked around at the destruction of his homeworld above him, with Cipritine the brightest fire of them all, he knew it was not enough. It would never be enough.

They could not beat the Reapers on their own.

The hours had dragged on and on with no end to the fight in sight. Garrus would admit that the turian forces did a better job than he anticipated. A significant number of ships could be seen making it safely past the Reaper forces in the direction of the relay. He hoped that just as many ships made it safely through the relay and could report the devastation of their home to the Council.

But Garrus wasn’t sure that even the combined forces of the galaxy would be enough to stop a full onslaught of the Reapers across the galaxy. They needed something more – he wasn’t sure what, but as he headed back to the barracks for some much needed rest after his first two shifts of combat duty with no break, he looked skyward and felt his heart sink at the strength of the Reaper forces surrounding them.

It was a damn massacre.

But even turians needed rest. He and the generals had devised a rotating schedule to maintain the strength of the force at all times, and after doing more than his fair share of fighting, Garrus needed at least a few hours of sleep.

Garrus threw his helmet into the corner next to a cot. It was dark, but the noises of the war surrounding them could be heard through the flimsy walls of the military lean-to. But Garrus knew that he would sleep regardless of the noise. He was utterly exhausted.

“Glad to see you finally getting some rest, Vakarian.”

Garrus turned in surprise to the cot next to him as he lay down, still wearing his armor. He had to be prepared to fight at all times. He hadn’t even looked to see if anyone else was on rest shift, but he definitely hadn’t expected Victus to be in the barracks at the same time.

“If I could fight any longer, I would, but I’m no good out there right now,” Garrus said, running a hand over his face as he laid his tired body down on the rough cot.

“A tired soldier is a dead soldier,” Victus replied.

“Too true.” Garrus tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable way to sleep on the poor excuse for a bed but ultimately failing. Sighing, he stared up at the dark ceiling and said, “Surprised to see you in here, sir. Didn’t think this was your rest shift.”

“It’s not,” Victus responded. “But like another stubborn turian I know, I thought I could push myself through two full combat shifts. I made it, but no more. I need at least a little rest, as I’m assuming you do too.”

Garrus didn’t answer. There were no words as the two turians listened to the sound of gunfire and the screams of soldiers as they fought for their lives. It was a nightmare, but both of them knew that continuing to fight when their arms could barely hold up their weapons anymore would hurt the effort more than help. They had to keep going. They had to lead the soldiers, and they couldn’t do that if they could hardly remain standing.

“However, I’m afraid I’m not getting much rest. It’s hard to lay here and listen to –“ Victus trailed off, but Garrus knew exactly what he meant. This was unlike any battle or war that either of them had ever fought. It was brutal. It was continuous. It was merciless, but perhaps most importantly, it was honor-less. The Reapers cared nothing for honor in life or honor in battle. They would not rest until all life in the galaxy was wiped out. Whether that life was awake enough to fight back or not was irrelevant to the Reapers.

The contemplative moment was broken by another turian swinging open the door of the barracks and collapsing onto the other cot beside Victus.

“Didn’t really get a look at who else is on this rest shift,” came the voice of Advisor Trivian Palark. “That you, Victus?”

“Yes. Vakarian’s here as well,” Victus answered.

“Ah, Vakarian,” Palark remarked as he lay down. “We haven’t had much of a chance to speak before, but I believe we have a mutual acquaintance.”

“Oh? Who is that?” Garrus asked.

“Commander Shepard,” Palark replied.

Garrus was shocked into silence. He could hear Victus rustle slightly on the cot next to him.

“You know Shepard?” he asked, consciously aware of the reverent undertones in his subvocals. He was sure the other turians had noticed, despite the noise from outside the flimsy walls, but in the dark, Garrus couldn’t see their reactions.

“Only met her once. I was part of the team that sent her on the mission to Eden Prime with Nihlus Kryik several years ago. I suppose Kryik was right when he put her name forward, because the rest is galactic history.” The advisor dropped back on the cot with a heavy thud. “It’s strange. I’ve had this recurring thought since the Reapers attacked that if we had Commander Shepard with us, we might actually hope to survive against these monsters.”

Garrus was so stunned that the topic of conversation had changed so drastically, he didn’t even think before muttering, “That makes two of us, Palark.”

A stillness settled over the small barracks as the three turian leaders retreated to their own thoughts. But even if Garrus hadn’t already been thinking of Shepard throughout the day, he could hardly help but think of anything else now. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one still pondering the human woman’s contribution to the galaxy.

“What’s this Commander Shepard like, Vakarian?” Victus spoke up. “I mean, what’s she _really_ like? You’ve actually worked with her. I’ve heard so much about her from the Council and of course the news vids, but how does one human woman accomplish so much?”

Garrus didn’t even know where to begin. He found it interesting that it was Victus who wanted to know more about Shepard’s tactics. He smiled, thinking that the two of them would get along very well, considering their respective unconventional strategies, but he quickly refocused to ponder Victus’s question. How _did_ his Lizzie do all that she did?

“She’s smart and efficient, always using the resources she has in the best possible way,” he finally said. “She spends almost all of her free time pouring over mission and scouting reports, strategizing and looking for new ways to attack a problem. She listens, too – always taking into account the opinions and expertise of the different members of her crew. She realizes that sometimes they might know more than she does on a particular topic and she listens to their advice. Sometimes that results in a combat strategy that would sound crazy by conventional standards, but it always seems to work for her.”

Garrus felt like he was gushing. He hoped that his enthusiastic descriptions did not betray the strong feelings underneath. But when neither of the other two soldiers interrupted him, Garrus continued.

“Maybe most importantly, she knows her team. She doesn’t just look at them as statistics or names on a dossier, she really gets to know each member of her squad. Then she can use their strengths to the best advantage. Sometimes she finds strengths in her crew that they didn’t even know they had.” Garrus thought back to the speeches Shepard gave before each mission, but specifically, he thought of the last speech she had given him before the Collector mission – the speech that he had replayed in his memory all day to help him defend his people from the Reapers.

“And because she takes the time to build relationships, her squad trusts her implicitly. Even if she’s afraid, her team would never know and they follow her command fearlessly because of it.”

Garrus stopped. He knew that if he said any more, his feelings for Elizabeth Shepard would be painfully obvious…if they weren’t already. Everything he had said was true, even from an objective point of view, but turian flange combined with his extreme fatigue and stress would divulge more personal information than he intended.

He was afraid he had already disclosed too much when there was silence in the room for several minutes. Eventually, Victus spoke again.

“That makes three of us then,” the General said. “Let’s hope your Commander survived the attack on Earth, because if she did, then this galaxy might actually have a chance.”

No more words were spoken. The three turians, too exhausted to say any more, all quickly fell asleep for a few brief hours.

Garrus lay awake the longest before drifting off, keeping his left eye open until sleep overtook him – replaying a vid he had recorded with his visor one of the last nights he had spent on the Normandy. It was a simple image, but one that brought a sad smile to his face amidst the sounds of dying soldiers and gunfire.

Commander Elizabeth Shepard, snoring lightly, sheet tangled and wrapped around her body, bare shoulders poking above the covers, a soft smile on her face – the smile Garrus only saw when she was asleep in his arms.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“I know this is the wrong time to ask something like this,” Commander Bailey squirmed uncomfortably in his chair, “But maybe if we survive this whole Reaper mess, you and I can grab a drink. I can think of a few places on the Citadel that aren’t full of trash from the Wards.”

That was the last thing that Shepard had expected. She had dropped by Bailey’s office for a simple hello and to catch up with the C-Sec officer who had helped her on more than one occasion. She definitely had not expected an invitation to go on a date, and she most certainly didn’t know how to respond. She liked Bailey – he seemed like a good guy. Maybe the occasional bribe wasn’t always the best choice, but his motives were in the right place. He just didn’t know Shepard had no intention of “drinks” with anyone who wasn’t Garrus Vakarian.

“Oh, uh…” she stammered. “That’s a nice invitation Bailey, but with this damn war, I haven’t had much time to think about….”

“Relax, Shepard,” Bailey said, his face reddening. “It was just an invitation for a few drinks. No need to get all awkward about it. Forget I said anything. Please.”

Shepard nodded and turned to leave.

“Nice talkin’ to ya, Shepard.”

She turned and smiled at Bailey. “Good to see you, too, Commander,” she replied as she slid out the doors and headed for her meeting with the Council. A proposition for a date was definitely not something she had prepared for before coming to the Citadel. Still puzzled as to the awkward timing of the encounter, she attempted to mentally prepare herself for the meeting while she walked.

As expected, the Council was no help. Absolutely none. Even with Liara to back her, the Council wouldn’t see reason. Shepard feared that Anderson’s sacrifice, and the sacrifice of so many other humans bleeding and dying on Earth, would be for nothing. She had little tolerance for the bullshit after watching her planet burn.

Udina’s venting in his office didn’t calm her nerves much, either. _He’s just as bad as the rest of them_ , she thought, as Udina uttered words of condemnation for the Council that did nothing more than aggravate her feelings of frustration. Shepard had hoped the Council would see reason, but she had expected nothing more than what actually happened. She had also expected Udina to be useless, but what she hadn’t expected was the surprising visit from Councilor Sparatus.

“Commander,” Sparatus said, “I can’t give you what you need, but I can tell you how to get it.”

There was a strange undertone to Sparatus’s words that Shepard couldn’t quite decipher. She was out of practice at reading turian subvocals, being away from Garrus for six months. Teasing? Leering? What was Sparatus up to?

“I’m listening,” she responded.

“Primarch Fedorian called the war summit, but…we lost contact when the Reapers hit Palaven.”

Shepard didn’t hear much after Sparatus said “Palaven.” All she could think about for several seconds was that Garrus was still on Palaven. _Rocket to the face didn’t kill ya, Big Guy_ , she tried to reassure herself. _Hopefully you’re still alive and kickin’ out there…_

And Sparatus was making things almost too easy for her. Until the turian councilor’s timely visit, she hadn’t had an excuse to go to Palaven and find her favorite turian, but now she did. She attempted to conceal her emotions, so that neither Udina nor Sparatus would know that she was more than happy to go to Palaven and find the Primarch…and hopefully, a certain former C-Sec officer.

Sparatus left and Shepard extricated herself from small talk with Udina. Palaven was waiting and Shepard would be damned if she would stall a moment longer before finally heading in the direction of that constellation she had stared at for six months from her prison window. She nearly sprinted as soon as the doors to Udina’s office closed behind her.

“It’s good to see you alive. You have an uncanny habit of going off the grid after a victory.”

Shepard jumped as she turned to see Sparatus leaning against the wall on the other side of Udina’s door.

“Were you waiting for me?” she asked, a little startled.

“Clearly. What other reason would I have to loiter outside the human councilor’s office?” The turian replied as he walked toward her, a bizarre expression on his face. “You’re an impressive woman, Commander. I’ve been waiting for a chance to speak to you in private for a very long time.”

“Well, you just had a chance,” she retorted, not a little impatiently. “In case you’ve forgotten already, I’m heading straight for Palaven to find your Primarch as a result of that conversation.”

What was all this about? What did Councilor Sparatus want to say to her that couldn’t have been said five minutes ago in front of Udina? Shepard shifted, annoyed, from one foot to the other and crossed her arms. She didn’t have time for Udina’s bullshit, and she definitely didn’t have time for Sparatus’s bullshit either.

“Walk with me, Commander.”

So she did, still confused as to what Sparatus’s point was. Finally, they reached the elevator. As the door slid shut, she punched the button for the docking bay. But just when the elevator started moving, Sparatus reached out to press the “hold” button.

“What the hell is this about, Sparatus?” Shepard asked, hands on her hips, obviously irritated now.

“A few years ago, I asked someone to deliver a message to you. I’m just wondering if it was ever relayed.” Sparatus had taken a step toward her now.

_Good thing I’ve done some combat sparring with two separate turians_ , Shepard thought. _If he is planning to attack me in some form, he’s in for a surprise…_

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but if you want me to rescue your damn Primarch, you better explain yourself right now and get this elevator moving again.”

“I fully understand the importance of your assignment, Commander,” Sparatus continued, “and I don’t intend to keep you long. But before your…death…I asked Garrus Vakarian to deliver a message should he speak to you. I think he was upset with me at the time because his initiation into the Spectres was taking longer than he would like. I don’t think he ever told you about my request.”

“And just what request was that?”

“You’re…an intriguing woman, Shepard. You defeated Saren – one of the best and brightest the turian race had to offer before he revealed himself to be a traitor. You came back from the dead and destroyed the Collectors. And now, I believe you might be the last hope for survival of organic life in the galaxy.

“Is there a point to this, Councilor?”

“Have dinner with me.”

_What the hell?_ Shepard was completely taken aback. _Flirting…the undertone from earlier was flirting. Holy shit…I wouldn’t mind telling Garrus he was right about Sparatus having a thing for me – at least that would mean he was alive..._

She had fully expected Sparatus to make some disparaging comment about humans and how it was hard to believe she had led the team that accomplished all he mentioned. She didn’t expect him to be the second person to ask her out on a date…in one day.

_What is wrong with all the men on the Citadel today?,_ she thought, thoroughly baffled. _Have they forgotten we’re in the middle of a war?_

_It must be the uniform or something_.

Shepard had been proud to don her formal Alliance blues and carefully tuck her newly reacquired tags beneath the neckline. She had wanted to look her best before meeting with the Council, and the obvious choice of what to wear seemed to be her ceremonial uniform. She had painstakingly ironed out any wrinkles and felt more like herself when she looked in the mirror than she had since before Alchera. Maybe her self-confidence was visible. That might explain the strange behavior of the men she had encountered today…

“Are you kidding me?” she finally responded. She almost snorted when Sparatus smiled – actually _smiled_ – down at her, leaning against the wall of the elevator.

“Not at all. It’s rare to find a female as strong, talented, and intelligent as you. While turians and humans do not often engage in….romantic interludes, I find myself incredibly drawn to you. I would enjoy getting better acquainted with you, when you return from Palaven, of course.”

“Sparatus, there’s a fucking war on, and you –“

“I realize it may not be the best time, but I find you….” Shepard squirmed uncomfortably as Sparatus gave her the up-down, and her knowledge of turian appetites made her notice how his gaze paused at her thin waist and flared hips. She suppressed a shiver as he continued. “Irresistable.”

She knew she should be flattered in some way. Sparatus was one of the most high-ranking officials in the turian government. He was extremely bright and quick, albeit an insufferable diplomat, but still sharp. He couldn’t have gotten his position without knowing how to deal with people and get the things he wanted, which would explain his extremely direct manner during this whole encounter, but for the second time that day, she was not interested.

_Palaven. Garrus. Get out of this damn elevator_ , she told herself. But at the same time, she knew that Sparatus had offered her one of the few chances she had to get Council support. Alienating the one race that had bargained to give her support in exchange for her help was not a good idea. So she bit the inside of her cheek and pretended to be a politician.

“Sparatus, I’m flattered.” She felt dirty even as she uttered the words, but reminded herself that she needed Sparatus’s support. “But I’m afraid I am unavailable.”

She had chosen her words carefully, hoping not to offend, but also hoping to send a strong message. To her relief, Sparatus seemed to understand, and if Shepard read the brief flicker of his mandibles correctly, he was slightly embarrassed.

“I see,” he replied and released the hold button on the elevator panel.

They rode in silence until the doors slid open and Shepard took a step forward to extract herself from the awkward situation as quickly as possible.

“If you ever change your mind,” Sparatus said as she walked past him, “you know where to find my office.”

She smiled politely and nodded as she exited the elevator and walked briskly toward the docking bay.

_The uniform. It’s got to be the uniform._

But she breathed a sigh of relief as the Normandy came into view.

_I’m coming, Garrus. Be alive. I’ve fought off Reapers, a human C-Sec Commander and the turian councilor, but I’m coming…Just please be alive when I get there…_


	5. I'm Right Behind You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Menae Station - where our two favorite characters are reunited. Woohoo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a few chapters that are ready to post (or almost ready). For those of you who follow this story, watch throughout the day for the other chapters. This group of chapters will have to make up for a hiatus I will be taking in about a week while I'm on vacation. Hopefully they will sustain you until I get back. ;)
> 
> As always, thanks for the kudos, comments, feedback, and support!

Shepard wasn’t sure what she had expected exactly, but she had at least hoped that the turian military would hold out better than Earth. While it seemed that it had, the difference at first glance appeared slight.

The devastation was overwhelming.

Liara and James looked on with her as Palaven and Menae came into view. She could tell by the looks on their faces that they were sick for the turians at the destruction of their home planet. James at least understood the feeling of losing his own home, but even he couldn’t feel the pain of Palaven as keenly as Shepard did. After all, Garrus had been on that planet, and in a way, the loss of his home was a second loss for her as well. She could only hope that even among all this ruin that Garrus had managed to find a way to survive.

Cortez’s voice broke Shepard out of her fears.

“Commander! The LZ’s getting swarmed!”

Standing up, she said, “James, open that hatch.”

They fought off waves of mindless husks, eventually clearing the landing zone. After landing and fighting off a few more husks, a turian soldier called to her, telling her that command was further in, past the first barricade. Shepard ran, her heart pounding in her chest.

_Maybe command will know if Garrus survived_ , she thought.

But her mother’s voice scolded her, _Mission first, Elizabeth. Then you can worry about your boyfriend. Don’t sacrifice the galaxy for your love life._

She sighed, knowing that her mother was right. Shepard forced herself to focus on the task at hand as the barricade gate came down, letting her team through. But she found that her heart was still pounding as she searched the camp to find the commanding officer, silently hoping for an opportunity to bring up Garrus’s whereabouts to anyone who might be able to help her.

As she rounded the corner, she found someone barking orders.

“Tobestik, get your men up on that north barricade,” he said.

The turian named Tobestik departed with a “Yes, sir!”

“Sergeant Bartus, find a way to get that comm tower operational.”

Bartus saluted and followed Tobestik with a brief response, sprinting to obey the barking turian’s command.

“General,” Shepard said, assuming the rank of the turian standing at the console and hoping she was right.

“Commander Shepard,” he replied, his voice tinged with something like amazement. “Heard you were coming, but I didn’t believe it. General Corinthus.”

_Good guess, Shep_ , she silently applauded herself.

“I’ve come to get Primarch Fedorian.”

Corinthus paused and stared straight ahead when she mentioned the Primarch. _That’s not good…_ , she thought.

“Primarch Fedorian is dead. His shuttle was shot down an hour ago as it tried to leave the moon.”

_Shit_.

Shepard’s heart sank. _If the damn Primarch is dead, how in the hell am I supposed to put together this summit? And if the Primarch can’t be kept safe, how the fuck is Garrus going to be alive?_

She knew she couldn’t think like that. She had to focus. She loved Garrus – with all her being – but now was not the time to worry about her own pain. The galaxy needed to combine forces, and the only way it would do that is if she somehow managed to make sure the summit happened. Mourning Garrus was not something she could spare time for in this moment.

Shepard exchanged a few words about the specifics of the turian’s attack plan and the Primarch’s demise, but eventually, she returned to the reason for her mission.

“So what happens now?” she asked.

Liara answered that question. “The Turian Hierarchy provides very clear lines of succession.”

“Right,” she nodded. “General Corinthus?”

“With such heavy casualties, it’s hard for me to be certain who the next Primarch is. Palaven Command will know. However, at the moment, contacting them is impossible. The comm tower is out. Husks are swarming that area. We can’t get close enough to repair it.”

Killing husks. That was something she could handle – something proactive, something to keep her mind off Garrus and on the mission as much as possible.

“Don’t worry, General. I’ll get your tower operational,” she offered.

“Thank you, Commander. I’ll take care of things on this end.”

With a nod, Shepard led her team out of the camp and toward the comm tower.

“Let’s move, team. We’ve got a mission to complete.”

Although she directed the command to her squad, she meant the words for herself. She needed to focus, and above all, she forced herself to stop stealing glances at the bright fires on the planet’s surface above her, hoping against hope that Garrus was not at the center of one of them.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“Husks at the tower overwhelmed us,” Sergeant Bartus reported as Garrus helped him carry the wounded soldier back through the barricade. “It’s like they came out of nowhere!”

“Husks will do that,” Garrus grunted as they heaved the soldier off the ground and onto the relative safety of a med station. He had been on his way back to command when he spotted the soldiers near the comm tower, Bartus fighting off husks as best he could while another soldier tended to an injured turian on the ground. He had quickly stopped to help before heading to find Corinthus and see what the situation was. Garrus had fought off a flank of enemies at Victus’s orders earlier that morning, but he felt a change in the air. He wasn’t sure if the change was good or bad, but it was a change nonetheless, and he needed to speak with Corinthus to find out what was happening.

But Garrus was not prepared for the news that Bartus proclaimed next.

“It’s a good thing Commander Shepard showed up when she did,” Bartus said.

Garrus stood perfectly still, staring down at the wounded soldier he had just helped situate in the med station as comfortably as possible.

_Shepard._

_He said Commander Shepard._

_He said she’s here…_

“Bartus,” Garrus said. “I want you to repeat to me, very slowly, what you just said.”

Sergeant Bartus shot Garrus a confused and startled look, but he replied, “It’s a good thing Commander Shepard showed up when she did. She knows how to –“

“That’s enough.” Garrus waved his hand to stop the Sergeant from saying more. “How do you know it was Commander Shepard?”

“She showed up just as I was leaving to try to take back the comm tower,” Bartus continued. “I’ve never seen her in person, but I’ve seen the vids and pictures on the news. It sure as hell looked like her, and what other human would show up here in the middle of all this?”

“She’s _here_?” Garrus asked, straining to hide his relief and excitement. “In the barricade?”

“No, sir. As I said earlier, she fought off the husks. She’s headed for the comm tower to try and get it operational. My team and I couldn’t do it alone.”

Garrus felt his chest heaving inside his armor. He had known that something felt different, but he had no idea that Lizzie was here. She was alive, and of all places in the galaxy, she was on Menae. Just as Garrus was about to ask the Sergeant how long ago she had passed him on the way to the tower, he heard a crackling on the comm in his ear.

“ _General, do you read?_ ”

He knew that voice. Garrus’s heart nearly stopped.

“ _The comm tower is now operational.”_

Corinthus’s voice came on the comm next. Garrus peered at the other end of the camp, trying to find the station where the General was posted.

“ _Much appreciated, Commander. I’ll contact Palaven Command.”_

_“Let me know when you’ve got something. I’ll help your men till I hear from you.”_

_“Understood.”_

“ _Shepard out.”_

Garrus smiled as he heard the voice again, confirming what he was afraid was only a dream before. But when Shepard volunteered to help the soldiers, he knew it was no longer a dream. That was just like her – his Lizzie Shepard.

Garrus found that he couldn’t move. She was alive. That was the thought running through his head. Garrus kept staring at the barricade door on the other side of the camp, waiting for it to drop, his eyes pleading to see her striding confidently through the opening at any minute.

He must have looked a sight, because Bartus shifted uncomfortably next to him. Garrus had completely forgotten all about the Sergeant. He turned to him now and said, “Watch over these wounded. Tend to them as best you can.”

Unsure of his own legs, Garrus slowly began to move through the camp. Corinthus’s station was on the other end, far from the medical station where Garrus had carried the wounded soldier. When he joined Corinthus, the General turned to him and saluted.

“Commander Shepard is here?” Garrus blurted.

“Yes, surprisingly, she just showed up. Looking for the Primarch for some reason, but Fedorian is dead.”

“Dammit!” Garrus cursed and turned his head to the side. _Another good man lost_ , he thought, but his hopes renewed as he thought of Shepard. “So is that why Commander Shepard was working on the comm tower?”

“Exactly. Now that the comm is working, I can get through to Palaven Command and find out who she needs.”

“Let me know when she is on her way back.”

“Of course, sir.”

Garrus dismissed himself. He could have stayed with Corinthus and waited for news, but he needed to breathe. He didn’t want Corinthus to see the look of relief that threatened to wash over his face at the actual proof that Commander Elizabeth Shepard was alive and here and in just a few minutes, he would hopefully see her in the flesh. He moved off the platform and stood to the side of the station, attempting to slow his heart from its rapid beating.

“ _Commander Shepard. Come in,”_ Corinthus said.

“ _Go ahead.”_ Even those two words were enough to make Garrus shudder. Her voice. It was real. And it was here.

“ _I have information from Palaven Command. Please return ASAP.”_

_“On our way.”_

After what seemed like hours, but was really only a few moments, Garrus watched in disbelief as the barricade door finally descended, and even from a distance, he knew it was her. The way she held her weapon. The way she ran in her armor. Her blonde hair was a little longer than it was six months ago, resting lightly just on top of her shoulderguards, and as he looked at her, his fingers tingled inside his gloves remembering how it felt in his hands.

_I’m never letting her out of my sight again_ , he thought as he watched his favorite human run to the platform. He had to lean against the wall of the nearby station for support when he heard her voice, this time floating through the air and directly to his ears, not coming through on the comm.

“What have you got?”

“As your partner said,” Corinthus answered, “succession is usually simple. But right now, the hierarchy’s in chaos – so many dead or MIA.”

He couldn’t see her face as he stood below the platform, but he could hear the frustration in her voice.

“I need someone – I don’t care who, as long as they can get us the turian resources we need.”

Taking a deep breath, he began to move around the edge of the station and walked up to see her – face to face for the first time in six months.

“I’m on it, Shepard,” he said. “We’ll find you the Primarch.”

His heart fluttered as her eyes locked on his. Separation had changed many things, but one thing was certain – he could still read those bright green eyes of hers and they were clearly happy to see him. He hoped Shepard could tell that he was just as happy to see her, but now was not the time for a romantic reunion.

“Garrus!” she said in surprise. Garrus’s mandibles fluttered in an almost imperceptible smile when he heard his own relief and happiness reflected in her voice. In that moment, Garrus wanted to do nothing more than drop his weapon, scoop her up in his arms, and kiss her right there. Part of him didn’t care where they were or who was watching, but the other part of him knew this was a war zone. Shepard was here for a reason, and Garrus was more than happy to assume his rightful place next to her, helping her with whatever she needed, and right now, that was the Primarch.

“Vakarian, sir –“ Garrus couldn’t help but notice a half-smile form on one side of Shepard’s mouth when Corinthus addressed him with such respect. _We have a lot of catching up to do, Lizzie…_

“I didn’t see you arrive,” Corinthus concluded.

“At ease, General,” Garrus said, trying to control his subvocals from betraying his utter joy at seeing Commander Elizabeth Shepard alive and well before him.

“You’re alive,” his girl said, walking toward him. Garrus again resisted the urge to tackle her and pull her to his chest as tight as he could. He simply shook her hand with both of his, hoping that the warmth in his heart transferred to her through his gloved hands.

“I’m hard to kill – you should know that.”

She smiled at him and continued, “Good to see you again. I thought you’d be on Palaven.” Garrus could hear what she wasn’t saying. _I was worried about you_ , she said with her eyes and a slight waver in her voice.

_I was worried about you too, Lizzie…Let’s get off this damn moon and I’ll show you how much I –_

He shook his head to regain his focus and said, “If we lose this moon, we lose Palaven. I’m the closest damn thing we have to an expert on Reaper forces, so I’m…advising.” Garrus ignored the interested look Corinthus shot over his shoulder. _No need to tell her right now just how_ much _I’m advising…_

Shepard introduced him to a human lieutenant named James and Garrus was relieved to know Liara was well and accompanying the team on this mission.

“Palaven Command tells me the next primarch is General Adrien Victus,” Corinthus explained once pleasantries were out of the way.

“Victus? His name’s crossed my desk,” Liara said.

“Know him, Garrus?” Shepard asked.

“I was fighting alongside him this morning,” Garrus replied. “Lifelong military. Gets results, popular with his troops.” Garrus reflected briefly on the conversation that he, Palark, and Victus had just a few hours before waking to fight this morning. A conversation surrounding the human woman who was standing right in front of him – the hope of the galaxy in the flesh. His face relaxed as his own hope slowly began to return. “Not so popular with military command – has a reputation for playing loose with accepted strategy.”

As he, Liara, and Corinthus took turns explaining what “playing loose” meant, Garrus took a few seconds to look more closely at his girl. She was still her, of course, but something about her had changed. Her eyes looked a little more hollow and her cheeks a little more gaunt. Worry creased his brow as he realized the physical toll the last six months had taken on her body. He couldn’t tell if she had lost weight on the rest of her body under the armor, and then Garrus flinched as he realized he was thinking about her soft skin at a time like this.

_Hopefully, there will be time for that later_ , he chided himself. _For now, help her get the Primarch._

“Primarch Victus,” Garrus chimed back into the conversation. “That should be something to see.”

“You think he can get the job done?” Shepard asked.

“We both know conventional strategy won’t beat the Reapers. Right now he could be our best shot.” Then, Garrus added in a softer tone. “And I trust him.”

“Ok. Let’s get him on the shuttle and get out of here.”

Joker interrupted the conversation then – something was wrong with EDI and Garrus smiled, reassured that Shepard had so much of her old squad to support her. He followed her off the platform as she spoke with Joker over the comm, sending Liara back to deal with whatever tech snafu had happened aboard the Normandy.

Suddenly, a screeching noise broke through the camp. Garrus instinctively crouched as a harvester flew over the barricade.

“Let’s go take care of whatever that thing dropped off,” Shepard commanded. “Coming, Garrus?” she added with a smile.

_There is absolutely no way I’m letting you go again_ , he thought as he reloaded his rifle.

But out loud, he said, “Are you kidding? I’m right behind you.”


	6. Request Enthusiastically Granted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How this humble author thinks the Shakarian Main Battery reunion should have gone...
> 
>  
> 
> Also known as The Chapter Where the Workbench Is Finally Put to Its Intended Use...

“I can see why you admire her so much, Vakarian.”

Garrus stood in the war room of the Normandy, pouring over the incoming reports from Palaven. Shepard had changed quickly and headed to the comm room. She’d tossed Garrus a long look and briefly brushed her hand over his forearm on her way past him, but that was all the time they had had together so far. Even in the brief hour that Garrus had been on board, he could tell that Commander Shepard was being torn in fifty different directions at once – diplomats, politicians, the military – everyone was clambering for her help, her strength. The last thing he wanted was to be a burden – another party crying for her attention.

Garrus looked at the new Primarch as they stood side by side and nodded in response. “Humans are made of tougher stuff than the galaxy gives them credit for,” he replied.

“I understand what you were saying before,” Victus continued. “She has an air of confidence about her. She gives a good speech – very convincing.”

Garrus laughed. “You have just hit on one of her more infamous traits. She is well-known among the crew for her speeches before battle. Says she gets her political side from her mother.”

Victus gave Garrus a sidelong glance. “You must be on very close terms if you have spoken of your families.” Garrus shifted nervously from one foot to the other.

“Occasional comments here and there. You know how it is with any group of soldiers who serve together for extended periods of time. You become close – get to know each other, talk about your families. I’m sure you’ve had that happen with your own troops.”

“True,” Victus drawled and Garrus wondered what the point of this conversation was. _What is he trying to get out of me?_ , he thought. “But I think I recall your father mentioning to me once that he had met her.”

That was news to Garrus. Why would his father have divulged something like that? It must have been a comment made in passing when they discussed the Reaper threat in Garrus’s absence. Garrus was sure that the name of Commander Shepard had been mentioned in many high-ranking political and military conversations over the last three years. It would not be strange for the Turian Hierarchy to do the same.

“We docked at the Citadel once while on a mission,” Garrus explained. “My father happened to be there and I introduced him to the Commander.”

“I thought your father didn’t like Spectres very much,” Victus countered.

“He doesn’t, but I thought he might at least want to meet my commanding officer, whether he completely approved of what I was doing at the time or not.”

Victus returned to his reports, seemingly satisfied for the moment. Garrus mulled over the conversation in his head. He still didn’t know why the Primarch had sparked this particular topic, and until he understood why, he hoped to avoid it. There were too many possible implications in the hierarchy and Garrus wasn’t quite prepared for what that might mean if news of his relationship with Commander Shepard got out.

“If you’ll excuse me, Victus,” Garrus said as he pushed off the table and turned for the door. “I should really check on what the Alliance did to my weapons systems. I had them so carefully calibrated before returning to Palaven…”

But apparently, Victus wasn’t finished with him yet.

“You know, Vakarian, Shepard seems to place a lot of trust in you.” Victus turned to face Garrus, leaning against the table and crossing his arms.

“She places trust in all her crew. She handpicks the best and relies on each of us to do our jobs,” Garrus replied carefully.

“She places a lot of trust in you, _specifically_.” Victus emphasized the last word, his undertones divulging a sincere interest, perhaps even a bit of amusement.

Garrus cleared his throat. “We’ve been on a lot of missions together. Seen a lot of things that the general population has not and will not see. It’s hard to go through multiple suicide missions and not trust the people you survived with.”

He was facing the Primarch now, hoping his emotions were controlled well enough that his subharmonics didn’t betray him. He wasn’t sure he was ready for Victus to know just how deeply his relationship with Commander Shepard ran. The consequences of that knowledge could ruin a great many things, and Garrus didn’t want to think about that at this moment – not when he had just managed to get his Lizzie back.

“She doesn’t seem to have that sort of relationship with the human Lieutenant…what’s his name?”

“James Vega, I think.”

“Ah, yes, Vega.”

“I believe he’s new to the Normandy, or at least, I’ve never met him before.”

“I see.” Primarch Victus was studying him closely. Garrus felt uncomfortable under his gaze.

“I’m sure Shepard will want to speak with you when she’s done dealing with bureaucrats in the comm room.”

“I want to speak with her as well,” Victus replied. “I will check in with you later, Vakarian.”

Garrus nodded as he said, “Primarch,” and quickly made his exit, heading straight for the Main Battery to consider the strangeness of the last ten minutes.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

The reunion had not gone at all as she had hoped.

It was wonderful enough just to see Garrus again. To talk to him. To touch him. To see his smile and hear him laugh. A light kiss on the cheek to follow the “protocol on reunions.”

But somehow it had all felt awkward – maybe a little forced.

Shepard was afraid to admit that she didn’t know how to act around Garrus anymore. How could that be? She loved him. And if the way he looked at her was any indication, his feelings for her hadn’t changed a bit.

Then why was it awkward? Granted, they had both just abandoned their home planets and watched them burn from the safe distance of the Normandy, but if Garrus felt anything like she did, then being reunited was one of the items on a short list of positives that had occurred in the past week.

The Main Battery doors had slid shut behind her only a few minutes before, her “catching up time” with Garrus at an end. She was glad that no one was in the mess at the moment to see her standing alone, back turned to the Battery, shoulders sagging and arms hanging loosely at her sides. The expression on her face must be priceless. Confused. Anxious. Nervous. She hadn’t moved since leaving Garrus to his “calibrations.”

It was then that she made a bold decision.

 _Garrus and calibrations. Nothing has changed_ , she smiled to herself. _He’s still the same Garrus and I’m still the same Shepard. The galaxy may crumble around us, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let that get in the way of one of the few joys I have left before the Reapers destroy us all._

Shepard turned around and placed her hand over the red access panel to the Battery, turning the light to green. She took two steps forward and let the doors slide shut behind her. Garrus was just where she had left him – programming algorithms into the console with his back turned – but at the sound of her re-entrance, he turned around to face her with a surprised smile on his face.

“Didn’t expect to see you again so soon. Not that I’m complaining,” he said. She punched a brief command into her omni-tool, turning the green light on the doors of the Battery to red, not missing the raise of Garrus’s eyebrows as she did so.

“So…after not seeing you for six months,” she began, a nervous twinge to her voice. “The last thirty minutes didn’t exactly go as I had planned.”

“You had a plan?” he said, a mocking tone to his voice as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the workbench. _Dammit, Vakarian. Why do you have to be so fucking sexy?_ “I know my romantic skills might need a little work, but I didn’t think they were that bad,” he teased.

“No. Not at all,” she replied. “I kind of screwed it up. It’s been so long…I was, um…” she reached up and tucked her hair behind her ears. “A little nervous, I guess.”

“The Great Commander Shepard? Nervous?” He was enjoying this too much. _Oh, he’ll pay for that_ , she thought, but she chuckled timidly.

“There’s a certain turian that tends to have that effect on me sometimes,” she said. “Don’t tell anyone. It would be horrible for the galaxy to find out what my weakness is.”

“Oh, of course. That would never do.”

 _Smart ass_ , she thought, but her smile widened. “So, Vakarian,” she coughed. “I was wondering if I could have a mulligan.”

“Mulligan?” Garrus asked.

“Human word for a do-over.”

“Oh, I see,” he said. “I don’t know…” Shepard could have punched him for the way he was teasing her, but she let him have his moment. He seemed to have relaxed more than before, and the sight of her calm and sarcastic turian made her feel happier than she had felt in over six months. “I guess it depends on what this do-over would entail. I really do need to get back to these calibrations. What did you have in mind?”

She couldn’t take it anymore. The laughing smirk on his face, the composed and cool demeanor, the flirting undertone to his voice. Spirits, she had missed him so much.

Shepard flung herself at him in one short bound, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his head down to her. Their mouths met in a deep and passionate kiss. For all Garrus’s teasing, it was apparent that he had missed her just as much as she had missed him, because he didn’t waste a second. He gripped her by the waist and picked her up, spinning the two of them around and placing her on the worktable, legs dangling as she straddled him.

Shepard attempted to hook her legs over his hips, but that was a little more difficult than she anticipated with his armor still in the way, so she simply leaned back as her favorite turian lightly nibbled down her neck. She moaned softly and worked her fingers under his fringe.

“This is a little more like what I imagined,” she groaned.

“I think I like mulligans,” he rumbled in a low register as he reached for the buttons of her uniform, undoing them as quickly as he could.

“It might be easier if you took your gloves off,” she giggled. Garrus growled at her as he ripped off the gloves, throwing them in the corner and returning his attentions to her buttons. Her jacket quickly found its way to the floor, and the tank top she had worn underneath swiftly followed. She hissed as her skin came in contact with Garrus’s cold armor.

“I see you finally replaced the set with the hole,” Shepard said, reaching for the clasps of his breastplate.

“I can always dig that pair out for old times, if you want,” Garrus replied as he helped her with the clasps of his armor and wriggled free of the top half of his undersuit while Shepard maneuvered her fingers to touch his skin.

“No, these come off just as well as the other pair. Might as well keep them.”

Garrus pulled her against him, entangling his fingers in her hair as he pressed her lips against his mouth. Shepard reveled in the taste of his tongue and the feeling of his skin beneath her fingers as their mouths locked.

“Lizzie, I missed you so much,” he said when he came up for air.

“I thought it was painfully obvious I missed you,” she said as she trailed kisses down to his mandibles, lightly sucking on the scarred one. She let her hands trail down to Garrus’s waist and felt his hips push harder into her as she teased the leathery skin she found there. She sighed as she felt Garrus’s strong fingers probe beneath the waist band of her pants.

She had waited too long to delay any longer. Wiggling to assist him, she let him quickly dispense of her garments, the cool worktable causing her skin to erupt into bumps. Garrus didn’t leave her alone for long. He unclasped his legplates, leaving himself covered only by the bottom half of his undersuit, his excitement for her plainly evident. But before she could reach for him, he grabbed her by the waist with one hand, and with the other, he reached behind her, releasing the clasp that held her bra in place. As the flimsy cloth fell away, Shepard had to brace herself on the workbench with her hands to stop herself from falling off when Garrus’s tongue lapped at the nipple of her right breast. The hand at her waist let go and slowly massaged her left breast.

Shepard felt her legs tighten around Garrus’s waist as she tried fruitlessly to press herself against him, but he was teasing her, clearly enjoying the tortured sounds she was making. And Shepard had to admit that she enjoyed the frequent moans she heard from her turian in response.

Finally, she had had enough of the game. She sat up straight and pushed against his carapace with one hand. Garrus looked up in surprise, but must have noticed the intense look in her eyes, because he didn’t fight her. He kept staring into her face with his piercing blue eyes while she reached for the bottom half of his undersuit, trying to tug it down over his hips as she continued to press him back with her free hand.

Garrus apparently had decided not to make her wait any longer. He let go of her and bent down to remove the suit for her, but he didn’t stand upright immediately. As he moved to straighten his back, he stopped just as his head leveled with the height of the workbench. Shepard’s nerves were on edge as she realized what he was about to do. With one hand, he gripped her hips, pulling her to the edge of the table. With the other hand, he slowly sliced through her underwear with his talon, revealing her sex. Air came in quick gasps as she felt his hot breath tickle the soft skin between her legs.

“Shit, Garrus, I thought you kept those things filed.”

“I did, but as you said earlier, we haven’t seen each other in six months. No reason to file them and I haven’t had a chance yet today.”

“Well, be careful with them at least,” she teased.

“Don’t you trust me?” he asked, feigning hurt.

“With my life,” she said, but then added with a smile, “and my more sensitive areas…”

His face started to move forward. Shepard’s senses threatened to go into overload, but she pushed against Garrus’s shoulder at just the last moment.

“Wait!”

She almost regretted saying it as Garrus looked up at her with a quizzical expression, but she had to make sure of something.

“Not that I want to stop you from your current mission, Officer Vakarian, but shouldn’t you take a quick shot before you, uh…ingest anything? Do you have anything down here?”

She could feel his chuckle in her core and she shuddered at the pleasure of it. “That’s _Advisor_ Vakarian to you. And actually, I stopped by the medbay and grabbed what I needed on my way down here. Took something as soon as I had a moment alone, hoping you would make your usual rounds and I might get this….mulligan.”

“Damn, Vakarian. Always prepar –“ She couldn’t finish her sentence as she felt Garrus’s tongue invade the space between her legs, playing with the overly swollen nub at the top and sending her to a place she had never been before. In the month they had together before turning herself into the Alliance, they had never done this. It seemed that Garrus had done more than research the Reapers in his time away.

Shepard closed her eyes and dropped her head back as Garrus’s tongue moved in rhythmic motions between her legs. He tickled and teased her, playing and experimenting to find out what she liked best. She whimpered when Garrus retracted his tongue, but she was partially glad he did. He must have been able to tell she was close and she wanted him to be inside her when she came. He stood and pulled her close to him again, but this time, she could feel his erection pressing against her.

“Spirits, I love you, Garrus,” she whispered, reaching down to stroke him with her hand.

“I love you, too,” he answered, and, removing her hand, he slid himself through the slit in her panties and entered her slowly.

She gripped his back, digging her fingernails into his leathery skin as much as she could. He pulsed in and out of her, gripping her ass with his hands, nearly lifting her off the workbench, and pushing and pulling her in time with his thrusts. She trailed kisses up and down his neck as he plunged into her again and again, the friction of her underwear against her pearl adding to the intense pleasure of Garrus’s cock driving into her. She could think of nothing but him as he whispered her name and she whispered his in return.

Soon, her breath became more heated, sweat damping the back of her neck and her temples. Garrus’s lunges became faster and more powerful and Shepard could feel herself approaching the edge. But as he always did when he was on the verge of exploding, Garrus brought his forehead to hers and met her eyes.

The world collapsed in a crash of stars. She didn’t care if anyone had entered the mess and could hear her behind the doors. She screamed his name and gripped his waist with all the force she had as Garrus returned her shout with a roar of his own, her name leaving his lips yet again. She felt his warm fluids enter her and broke the forehead gesture to press her lips against his mouth. This was bliss. This was what she wanted. This was what she _needed_ to help her get through this threat – and maybe even life itself.

Panting, she stared into the eyes that had not left her face since Garrus had tipped over the threshold of ecstasy.

She smiled at him and said, “Now _that_ was more like what I had in mind.” He returned her smile and lovingly ran his fingers through her hair, refusing to let her go. They stayed that way for several minutes – hands and fingers tracing jawlines and skin, feeling all the sensations they had missed for the last six months.

A sudden ping on Garrus’s omni-tool brought them back to life. Garrus looked even more annoyed than Shepard felt at the interruption, but he pulled up the message. She leaned into his chest as he read it, simply enjoying the feeling of his warm hide and the smell of his skin as she nuzzled into his neck.

“It’s the Primarch,” Garrus sighed as he read over her shoulder, the fingers of his free hand tracing tiny circles on her naked back. “He wants me to look at some new intel as soon as I can.”

Reluctantly, Shepard pulled herself away from the embrace of her love and looked up at him with a grin. “Look at you, _Advisor_ Vakarian,” she said. “Such an important person now. It’s about damn time someone put you in charge.”

His eyes fluttered in a quick look of embarrassed pride, and she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Jumping down from the workbench, she began searching for her clothes thrown in different places on the ground. Garrus did the same and the pair quickly dressed.

“I guess it’s back to normal duties then,” she finally said as she buttoned the last button on her uniform.

“I guess so,” Garrus replied. Shepard walked over to him and reached up to run her fingers along the scarred side of his face, as she had done so many times before. He briefly closed his eyes and held her hand against his face, pulling her to him with his other hand.

“Well, do what you have to do, Garrus,” Shepard commanded. “But I do want to know one thing.”

“What’s that?” Garrus asked, placing a kiss on her forehead.

“Do you intend to make the Main Battery your home again? Because I’m pretty sure that there’s an entire half of a nice, comfy bed in my quarters with your name on it. I personally think you should bunk there instead of down here in the cold, lonely Battery.”

He laughed then. A real, cheerful laugh, and Shepard laughed along with him. Looking up into those striking blue eyes, Shepard could have forgotten for a moment that they were on a mission to save the galaxy. How far she had come from the 19 year old marine who first saw those eyes. She could get lost in them and she hoped that life would let her look up into their perfect blue forever, seeing them just as they were now – happy and completely in love with her.

“Is that an order, Commander?”

“Not at all. Merely a request.”

“In that case, request enthusiastically granted.”


	7. He's Always Been There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Kaidan Confrontation - with a few extras...

“Was there something between you and Garrus?”

Shepard balked at Kaidan’s question. She was completely unprepared for this conversation. So many of her own questions flooded her mind. _How the hell did Kaidan hear about Garrus and me? Do I care what he thinks? Why am I even trying to patch this relationship when he clearly cannot get over the past?_

But as she looked at the honey-colored eyes staring back at her from the hospital bed, she couldn’t be cruel to him – not like before. She had been unfair to him. Used him when she was frustrated and alone. Treated him like he was a replacement…because he had been. She wouldn’t deny that. He didn’t necessarily deserve to know all the details of her relationship with Garrus, but he did deserve an explanation at least.

“Yes,” she said.

Somehow, even with all the time and hurt between them, Kaidan’s eyes still looked wounded. Shepard couldn’t understand how he still cared for her after all that she had done to him, but it seemed he did. This was a horribly awkward situation, and it appeared that Kaidan wanted to know more.

“Did you ever really care for me at all?” he asked, his voice pleading.

Shepard sighed. She didn’t know how to respond to that question. She had cared for Kaidan, just not the way he wanted her to. He had been her friend – maybe one of her more pesky friends, but a friend nonetheless. She’d never meant to hurt him, she had simply been selfish and hurt when she thought Garrus and Tali had been carrying on some sort of relationship behind her back.

Finally, she settled on telling Kaidan the truth.

“We were friends, Kaidan. That wasn’t a lie. You were kind to me even when I didn’t deserve your kindness on the SR-1. I am ashamed of how I behaved back then. What I have to say next may be really painful, but you deserve the truth, so just stop me if it’s too much.”

Shepard took a deep breath before continuing. “I used you.”

When Kaidan didn’t move, she continued. “I know it might sound strange to you as a human, and obviously, I’m human…but I always wanted Garrus. He and I just….clicked, I guess. But I thought he wasn’t interested in me and the night before Ilos he – well, he didn’t _actually_ do anything, but I _thought_ he had done something that hurt me. In my rage and selfishness, I used you in the worst way possible, and I’ve always felt sorry for that. It wasn’t fair to you and you didn’t deserve that kind of treatment – especially not after the way you had treated me.”

Shepard paused, gripping her hands together in her lap. They were shaking slightly, whether from nervousness or fear, she wasn’t sure. She hoped Kaidan didn’t notice. Or maybe she hoped he did notice – then he would know that what she said next was sincere.

“I’m so sorry, Kaidan. I abused my relationship with you as your commanding officer and I abused our relationship as friends. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I would like to count you among my friends again.” She stared down at her hands, knuckles white as she waited for Kaidan’s response. He hadn’t moved. He simply stared at her from his hospital bed, his expression as painful as the bruises on his body.

Finally, he spoke. “Well, maybe we’re even then,” he said. “I’m pretty embarrassed about what I said on Horizon as well, and now that I know about Garrus, it must have been more than just awkward for him to hear what I had to say there.”

Shepard looked up and met Kaidan’s gaze. “Our fight on Horizon really threw me. You just shut me down.”

“I know,” he replied. “I just couldn’t believe my eyes. There you were…alive! Look, we both hurt each other. I’d say we’re even. Can’t we – can we just put this behind us? Please.”

Relieved, she asked, “Feel like we’ve cleared the air?”

“Yeah, you know I’m not sure I’ve been wrong about Cerberus…but I’ve been wrong about you.” He smiled softly at her and she returned his grin. Confessing her sins to Kaidan had been painful and humiliating, but somehow, she felt a little better knowing the truth was finally out. “Have you, uh…heard from Garrus? I’m sure you must be worried about him. There’s talk in the hospital of the attack on Palaven.”

“He’s back on the Normandy, actually,” Shepard answered, a little too quickly, she realized, when she saw a quick flash of hurt pass over Kaidan’s face. She tried to qualify her statement by adding, “We were on assignment to rescue the Primarch of Palaven. Garrus was there and he came back with us.”

“He’s always been there for you, hasn’t he?” Kaidan said, brows creased together. “Even when I doubted you, he trusted you and followed you no matter who you were working for.”

Shepard pondered how to answer Kaidan’s question for a moment. It was true Garrus had always been there for her. She held back a smile, knowing this moment was inappropriate for it, but she couldn’t help thinking about the first time she had met Garrus. He had been there for her for longer than even her turian knew. It had been over twelve years since she first met Garrus Vakarian and he had come to her rescue, even back then.

But Kaidan didn’t need to know all that.

“You’re not wrong, Kaidan. Garrus has always been right behind me,” she said. “But I understand why you were concerned when we met on Horizon. I might have acted the same way if our roles had been reversed.”

Whether her last statement was true or not didn’t matter. It appeared Kaidan had forgiven her, and Shepard felt clean after telling him the truth about their night together. Their relationship still had a long way to go, but it was a step in the right direction.

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you have him then.” Kaidan tossed her a half-smile. “Garrus is a good man, uh…good turian. He’s always had your back and you will need that more than anything else. The burdens the Council and the Alliance put on your shoulders are too much for one person to bear alone.”

Shepard patted Kaidan’s hand and said, “Garrus is there for me, but I need my friends, too. So rest and heal up, soldier, because we need you back on the Normandy.”

He smiled at her then. A real, true smile. Relieved, she smiled back.

“I should let you get back to the Normandy,” he said. “Wish I could come with you.”

“Take care of yourself, Kaidan,” she replied. “We need you at a hundred percent.”

“Will do. Thanks for coming.”

As the hospital doors slid shut behind her, Shepard breathed a sigh of relief. However, the trip to the hospital had been trying on her nerves, and right now, she needed to see her favorite turian.

“EDI,” she said quietly. “Where the fuck is Garrus?”

EDI’s voice answered in her ear. “Advisor _Vakarian is in the Docks Holding Area, tending to the refugees.”_

“Are you making fun of his new title?” Shepard asked as she started moving for the elevator.

“ _Of course not. But I have found it interesting the way he requires you to use it.”_

“EDI, so help me God, if you do not lock down the video surveillance when that stuff goes on, I will …”

“ _There is no need to threaten me, Shepard. I generally shut down the video surveillance when it appears you are engaging in something private. However, with your permission, I would like to observe for educational purposes as a way to help me learn more about intimate human interaction should my relationship with Jeff progress positively.”_

“No. Absofuckinglutely not.”

“ _That was meant to be a joke, Shepard.”_

“EDI, we really need to work on your humor.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“We just got a report that another ship made it off Palaven,” the soldier told Garrus.

“How many on board?” Garrus asked, trying not to be distracted by Commander Elizabeth Shepard toying with the Shepard VI near him. This was a serious moment as Garrus learned more about the devastation of his people, but somehow, he found it very difficult not to smile as he heard his girl giggle while listening to the poor imitation of her own voice. She so infrequently looked happy. Garrus loved seeing her smile, even if it was at something as foolish as a poorly made replica of herself.

“Thirty or forty survivors,” the soldier answered.

“That’s all?”

Shepard was giggling again. _Lizzie…why do you have to be so adorable at a time like this?_

“They said the fighting’s getting worse.”

“Well, let’s find some room for them.” He turned to look at Shepard, who appeared to be finished playing with the holographic representation of herself for now and had taken a step toward him. “This is going to be home for a while.”

Relaxing his pose slightly, Garrus walked toward Shepard.

“Shepard,” he said softly. She rewarded him with a smile.

“I got tired of playing with myself. Anyone ever tell you you’re one hell of a looker, soldier?” Shepard winked at him as she imitated the imitation.

“Well, I’m glad it’s me you came to see when you were done. And I have been told that the scars drive the females of some species wild. Recently learned that the list includes humans,” Garrus chuckled.

“Yeah…I’d rather play with you, but you were busy.” She tossed him a wicked glance. Garrus crossed his arms and smiled at her, enjoying her happy mood for once. But just as quickly as her teasing mood had arrived, her expression altered to something that wiped the smile off of Garrus’s face as well.

“Actually, I just left Kaidan at the hospital,” she continued. Garrus wasn’t sure what to think of Shepard’s strange change in posture as she rubbed the back of her neck at the mention of Kaidan, but he just listened as she continued. “I desperately wanted to see you and I could use a drink.”

“It went that well, huh?”

“It went ok.”

“How’s the Major doing?”

“He’ll pull through. Udina’s offered him a position as a Spectre.”

Garrus couldn’t help the twinge of jealousy that shot through him. _Alenko becomes a Spectre, and after all my work, what do I get?_ But then he smiled as he remembered something else. _Oh yeah, I got the girl…_

But even that thought wasn’t a complete comfort to him. Garrus hadn’t thought about Kaidan Alenko for a long time – at least not since he and Shepard had sorted out the Horizon fiasco. He knew that Lizzie had never really loved the Major. He understood that she felt a sense of deep shame for what had happened with her former Lieutenant before Ilos, but that didn’t explain her unreadable expression when she mentioned him.

Garrus didn’t like the jealous feelings rising within him. Alenko had several redeeming qualities, not the least of which was his skill on the battlefield. And it wasn’t Alenko sharing the captain’s quarters with Elizabeth Shepard on the Normandy – it was him, failed C-Sec officer and rogue turian turned Primarch Advisor, Garrus Vakarian.

“Well, he’s a good soldier,” Garrus said, attempting to vocalize a reason to rise above the darker mood settling over him. “I’m sure he’ll make a fine Spectre.”

“Yeah…” she trailed off and Garrus wondered again what was really going on behind her green eyes. But clearly she wanted to change the subject when she asked, “What’s happening?”

That was a topic he could feel comfortable with. “We convinced the Council to accept our wounded. Nowhere else to go.”

Garrus answered all of Shepard’s questions, but he could tell that there was some other reason she had come to see him. Maybe something Alenko said had jarred her. Maybe she had a private mission she needed to discuss with him. Garrus wasn’t sure what was wrong, but he could tell she didn’t just come down to hear about the turian war effort – something she knew plenty about without asking him.

“What about you?” he finally asked. “I’m starting to see some wear and tear.”

“I won’t lie,” she replied. “It’s been rough.”

“Don’t forget to come up for air. And not just because all these people need you.” He dared to step closer to her then, so that only she could hear his voice. He didn’t touch her, but he let his voice rumble in the way he knew she liked. “Because I need you.”

He must have said something right, because her cheeks flushed red and she chuckled.

“You ready to get out of here?” she asked, her voice low and husky. “There’s a bottle of the good stuff I know you have saved for me down in the Battery. Feel like breaking it open?”

There was still something off about the way she spoke to him. Garrus couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but he was worried. He wanted so badly to reach out and hold her, ask her plainly what was wrong, what had upset her, but the public nature of the refugee camp made that impossible.

“I can come soon,” he said. “Let me get this last group of refugees settled in and I’ll meet you back on the ship.”

“Ok, Big Guy,” she nodded, turning from him and heading for the entrance to his alcove. Just before she was out of sight, Garrus watched as she took a quick look around to see if anyone was looking. She must have been satisfied, because she did something she had never done before. She placed one hand to her lips and then blew across its surface in his direction as she laid it horizontally in front of her mouth. Smiling, she stepped out of sight.

Confused, Garrus turned on his omni-tool interface.

 

_1841 GV: What was that?_

_1842 ES: A kiss._

_1842 GV: That’s not the kind of kiss you’ve shown me before._

_1843 ES: Well, it wasn’t exactly a kiss._

_1843 GV: ??_

_1844 ES: I blew you a kiss. I couldn’t kiss you for real, so I put one on my hand and blew it to you._

_1844 GV: In all the years I’ve dealt with humans, sometimes I still find you very strange. I think I prefer the real thing._

_1845 ES: Me too. So hurry up._

_1846 GV: Believe me, I’m working as fast as I can…_

_1848 ES: I know you are, love. And by the way, I need you, too._


	8. The Nose Knows

The blue light.

It had been six months, but Garrus felt oddly comforted as he slowly became conscious of the blue light shining on his sleeping face. He knew exactly where he was. He was where he was supposed to be – in Lizzie’s quarters on the Normandy after a night spent in passion and the comfort of each other’s arms.

But as he awoke, he realized something was wrong. His eyes flew open when he discovered that there was no warm body next to him in the bed. Sitting up sharply, he looked around the cabin, relieved to see Shepard already dressed and at her private terminal.

“You’re up early,” he called across the room as he pushed the covers aside and stretched, taking in the way Shepard glanced hungrily at his naked form and smiled down at him.

“Yeah,” she replied, but her eyes too quickly returned to the screen in front of her and her forehead wrinkled. Garrus wondered what was wrong as he searched for his clothing, discarded aimlessly on the floor, the couch, a chair. Eventually, he found all the pieces he was missing, hastily put them on, and walked up the few steps to stand behind Shepard. He bent down and gently placed a kiss on the top of her head and ran a hand absent-mindedly through her hair as he looked at her terminal screen. Shepard was scrolling through reports from Earth and even without looking at them closely himself, Garrus could tell from her demeanor that they weren’t good.

He stopped stroking her hair and reached under her armpits, pulling her reluctantly out of the chair she was sitting in and turning her around to face him. She wasn’t upset with him – she let him lead her, and, in fact, placed her head in the crook of his neck just inside his cowl, her hands resting on his chest. Garrus hummed softly as he wrapped his arms around her at the same time.

“Looking at the numbers isn’t going to change anything,” he said.

“I know,” she whispered. “I just can’t seem to stop staring at them.”

“That’s what I’m here for. You can stare at me instead.”

She chuckled against his ribcage and stood up straight to look at him. “Okay, Vakarian, you win.”

“Glad to hear it. I like winning.” Garrus reached down and tucked a stray hair behind her ear, flaring his mandibles at her. He understood her feelings. He had had the same problem with the reports from Palaven, but he knew that the burden on his Lizzie’s shoulders was even greater than his own – she wasn’t just carrying the weight of her own people, the entire damn galaxy was depending on her to save all of them.

She looked into his eyes for a long time as if she were searching for something. Finally, she spoke hesitantly.

“Garrus…do you really think this summit will do any good?”

Garrus truly had no idea. He hoped that it would. He believed in Victus and he knew that if a krogan in the galaxy were to be reasoned with, Wrex would be the one to listen. But in the end, he could not predict whether the hot-headed diplomats, all of them concerned only for their own planets and people, would put aside their petty squabbles for the fate of all.

Garrus had no intention of telling Shepard that.

“Victus is a smart and creative leader. I believe that Wrex will see reason, and obviously, you will do whatever it takes to save all of us,” he began cautiously. “The only wild card is the salarian dalatrass, but even if she disagrees, she will be outnumbered by the rest. I think there is cause for hope.”

“Hope, huh?” Something flashed behind Shepard’s eyes that Garrus didn’t like. Something hidden. Something he didn’t understand. “Hope is definitely something we are in short supply of these days.”

“Hey,” Garrus caught Shepard by the arm. “That’s not the Commander Elizabeth Shepard I know.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Garrus. It’s just…” She looked down at his hand on her arm and then back up at him again, trying to smile. “You give me hope. Is that good enough for now?”

Garrus didn’t know what to say. He wanted so badly to take her pain. He knew that as soon as she stepped out of her cabin, she would plaster the Commander face on and no one else would see what she was really going through. He knew that he was the only one who would ever see her doubt their chances…or doubt herself. And even though he hated seeing her like this, part of him felt humbled that she trusted him  so much that she let him see this part of her – the tired, normal part of her – the part of Commander Fucking Shepard that was just like everyone else.

“I guess it will have to do,” he said softly. Trying to change the subject, he straightened and asked, “What time will all the parties board?”

“In just an hour, actually,” she replied, turning back to her desk and picking up a datapad.

“Do you need me there?”

“Actually, I asked Victus if you could be present. He gave me a funny look and said that while he was comfortable with the idea, he wasn’t sure the rest of the parties would be. Mainly, the dalatrass.” She looked up at Garrus with one eyebrow raised, a teasing look behind her eyes. “Any idea why he would give me a funny look on that one?”

Garrus thought back to the conversation he had with Victus about Shepard. He wasn’t ready to tell her about that yet, so he simply replied, “Not really. It makes sense though. I’m not really a political diplomat.”

“No, but you’re my XO and a friend of Urdnot Wrex.”

“I’m _what_?” Garrus asked, his voice nearly cracking.

“Did you and Wrex have a fight while I was locked up? I’m pretty sure you’re still friends,” she teased.

“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it.”

“Every good Commander needs a second in command. There’s no one on this damn ship I trust more than you.”

“Are you sure it’s entirely appropriate for your boyfriend to be your second in command?”

“Don’t worry, Garrus. I’ll still let you be in command in the bedroom – sometimes. Also, I like it when you refer to yourself as my boyfriend. You should do that more often.”

“Don’t change the subject, and the bedroom is not what I’m worried –“

“You’re the best choice for the job.”

“I’m not human.”

“No, but you’re the best soldier on this ship. Also, if more human women knew what was hiding under that armor you insist on wearing everywhere, they would never turn back, so lucky for me, you’re not human.”

“What about Vega? He knows your protocol and regulations. I don’t.”

Shepard shook her head. “He’s too young. Too inexperienced. Too haunted by his past mistakes. And now you at least know all about reunion protocol for your significant other.”

“And I’m not haunted by my past mistakes? Look at what a mess Sidonis made of me.”

“You took care of that, Garrus. It’s too late anyway. I already got it approved by Hackett, so unless you want to expressly decline the offer, it’s done.”

Garrus stood silent, pondering the argument he had just had with his girlfriend. It was Shepard who broke the silence a few moments later.

“Why are you always so damned scared of leading when I’m around, Garrus? I saw you on Menae. Fucking generals were saluting you. Why is it different with me?” she asked, a hint of frustration to her voice.

He knew she was right. He did act differently around her. He always deferred to her command, always let her be in charge…except in the bedroom. But as he pondered her question, he stumbled upon the answer.

“Because you’re the one who taught me how to lead,” he finally said.

Now Shepard was the one who was silent. Her glowing green eyes stared unblinking into his. She opened her mouth a few times as if she were about to say something, but shook her head when she changed her mind.

After several minutes, she put down the datapad on her desk and turned back to him, eyes wide and almost fearful. _What did I say_? Garrus worried. _Did I say something to hurt her?_

But he didn’t have to worry about that for long. Shepard wrapped her arms around his neck, locking her fingers just under his fringe.

“Garrus,” she whispered his name, and Garrus thrilled as he did every time he heard her say it that way. No one else had ever treated him with such respect…almost reverence. “If you only knew how much you have taught me. Just by being who you are. You need to –“

“ _Commander_ ,” Joker’s voice on the speaker.

“What, Joker?” Shepard said, clearly frustrated.

“ _You better get down here fast. Traynor’s all sorts of crazy stressed because the dalatrass is here early. I’m not sure who I like better – horndog Kelly or high maintenance Sam.”_

“Tell her I’ll be right there,” Shepard sighed. Turning back to Garrus, she continued, “We’re a good team, Garrus. The best even. I need you at my side, and not just behind the scenes. I want you to be officially recognized by this crew and the galaxy as my second in command.”

She stepped back from him, squaring her shoulders. “If you’re not comfortable with that, then I understand, but I would really like you to fill that position.”

Although he was still uncomfortable with the idea, Garrus knew what his answer had to be.

“I’m here if you need me.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

They were fighting side by side again and it was almost as if Garrus had never been away from her.

Almost.

Shepard still keenly felt the pain of their separation. She often looked over her shoulder to make sure Garrus was really there as they tore through the STG base on Sur’Kesh, racing to save the last hope of the krogan race.

There was something different about Garrus now. Behind closed doors, he still acted unsure of himself, but when he was out in the open, fighting at her side or simply greeting old friends and foreign dignitaries, he was suave, debonair, authoritative, and – for Shepard – breathtaking. In many ways, he reminded her of the turian she met when she was a teenager. She had thought how strong and brave he was, how generous to look out for one stupid human who had too much to drink, even when he was off-duty. With each moment that passed since their reunion, Shepard was content to see Garrus looking more and more like the turian she had imagined all those years. She loved him no matter what, but as he transformed before her very eyes, she loved him even more.

She just wished he could see the change himself.

Wrex hadn’t missed the difference.

“Glad to see you grew some balls, Garrus,” the krogan had said in the shuttle before landing on Sur’Kesh.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Garrus had asked.

“You and Shepard. Makin’ babies,” Wrex replied. Shepard had stifled a laugh when she saw Garrus’s horrified look.

“What in the galaxy made you think of that?” Garrus retorted.

“The nose knows,” Wrex chuckled.

“Also, Wrex, we’re not alone,” her favorite turian added.

“Officer Vakarian, I may have a mobile platform now, but you do realize that I _am_ the Normandy. I see everything that happens on the ship,” EDI piped in.

Shepard had decided to give EDI’s new body her first trial run while rescuing the krogan female. If turians could blush, Garrus would have turned a very bright shade of blue…or red…or something. Shepard was glad that Wrex laughed so loudly that her own laugh at Garrus’s expense was masked.

“Although, out of respect for Commander Shepard’s wishes, I generally stop the video feed when it appears you two will engage in sexual intercourse. However,” EDI continued, “I fail to understand the significance of Urdnot Wrex’s comment. Turian and human physiology are incompatible for making offspring. Thus, it is only logical that Commander Shepard and Officer Vakarian are engaging in sexual activity for emotional or physical stimulus only.”

“Wrex was being sarcastic and attempting to be funny, EDI,” Shepard explained.

“You’re joining in this conversation?” Garrus asked, shocked. “Just…openly…talking about it? In front of them?!?”

“You’re not embarrassed to be with me, are you, Garrus?” Shepard teased.

“Not at all, it’s just –“

“Ah, calm down, Garrus.” Wrex clapped Garrus on the shoulder. “We’re all friends here…well, friends plus an AI who knows anyway. And Shepard, if I’d known you liked scars so much, I would have played my hand when we were chasing Saren.”

“Hey, I’m standing right here –“ Garrus tried to interrupt.

“You are really defensive when it comes to Shepard, Garrus. Shit, it was just a joke. Humans are too squishy for me anyway.”

Shepard had spent most of the shuttle ride down laughing. It was good to have Wrex back.

But the mood changed dramatically when Cerberus arrived at the STG base. The shuttle ride back to the Normandy had been much more somber. Shepard couldn’t quite figure out why, but there seemed to be something different about “Eve” – her tone of voice hinted of wisdom beyond what Shepard had expected. Thanks to Mordin, Kirrahe, and her squad, the mission was a success. Shepard now had the krogan female safely tucked away in the med bay, her favorite salarian tending to the krogan female, her krogan friend in the war room, her favorite turian in the Main Battery, and she was one step closer to brokering a peace that just might have a chance to save the galaxy.

Shepard snorted in disbelief, partly at all that had happened in the last few days, but also at the lifeline she was holding for the galaxy’s survival – a lifeline that so easily could be snapped with one wrong move.

Apparently, she wasn’t the only one who noticed.

“I’m glad to see humans treat their women with respect,” Eve observed. Shepard had gone straight to the med bay to check on their newest passenger after changing out of her armor. “Your people have placed a lot of responsibility on you.”

“No more than your people have put on you,” Shepard replied.

Eve chuckled. “Heh, then maybe we can show the men how it’s done.”

“Deal,” Shepard smiled, but just as she was turning to leave, Eve spoke up one more time.

“The turian…” she said, stopping Shepard in her tracks. “What is his name again?”

Shepard was surprised at the question, but she replied, “Garrus Vakarian. Why?”

“He is important to you,” Eve answered. “As more than a simple member of your crew.”

“Yes, he is.” Shepard wasn’t sure at first whether to play coy or to speak as openly to Eve as she had to Wrex earlier. Ultimately, she decided to be honest – after all, Eve would find everything out from Wrex eventually anyway. Shepard loved Wrex, but he wasn’t known for his discretion. “I’m guessing your sense of smell is as good as Wrex’s then.”

Eve’s throaty laugh followed Shepard’s comment. “You could say that, but I wasn’t sure I was correct.”

“What makes you say that?” Shepard asked.

“It’s strange…a turian and a human. I would think that partnership would be rather rare.”

“It is.”

“But I can see why you care for each other. I watched the two of you in the base. He watches out for you just as much as you watch out for him. You build off each other – where one is weak, the other is strong.”

“He’s always had my back.”

“Hmmm….your relationship gives me hope,” Eve concluded. Not for the first time that day, Shepard was surprised by the strange direction of the conversation.

“Hope?”

“Yes,” Eve explained. “If you and Vakarian can make a turian-human relationship work, then perhaps it is truly possible for all of our races to broker a peace. After all, it was not long ago that the humans and turians were at war. Humans are perhaps making more of an impact on this galaxy than the older races would ever want to admit – healing wounds that have been bleeding for generations.”

Shepard’s earlier inclination was correct. Eve did have some sort of wisdom beyond that of normal krogan. Hell, she appeared to have wisdom beyond most of the asari, turians, and salarians that Shepard had met.

Peace. What a thing that would be.

“If only we could have had peace before this,” Shepard said. “So many lives could have been saved.”

“Very true,” Eve nodded. “If we survive this war, we will have to make sure that our children and our children’s children understand the sacrifices that were made, but also the mistakes that resulted in unnecessary sacrifices.”

Shepard didn’t know how to respond, but luckily, she didn’t have to. Eve saved her from the moment.

“I hope we get to speak again soon, Commander,” the krogan female said. “I have enjoyed my time with you.”

“Likewise,” Shepard said as she turned for the door, the wise words of the female krogan playing through her head while she toyed with the small crystal Eve had given her in the pocket of her uniform.

 

_“Take it as a reminder, Commander. In the darkest hour, there is always a way out.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hubby and I are headed out of town on vacation, so I will probably not post for a week or two. But don't go away faithful readers! I promise to return soon! :)
> 
> Thanks to all my readers for comments, kudos, feedback, and support! You make this project even more fun than it is on its own. <3


	9. Life After War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vacation is over. :( 
> 
> However, that means I'm back and I have a chapter ready to post! Enjoy!

“Eden Prime. This is where it all began.”

Shepard stared over Liara’s shoulder at the planet’s surface below as her asari friend continued. “Where the Prothean beacon gave you the vision that warned us about the Reapers.”

“And where Saren launched his first major attack with the geth,” Garrus chimed in.

“Yes. And now with Cerberus here, Eden Prime’s colonists are under attack again,” Liara added.

Shepard must have had a strange look on her face, because Liara didn’t stop. “Are you sure you will be all right, Shepard? Going back to Eden Prime, I mean.”

“Yeah. Sorry. I was just thinking…” Shepard replied. She turned slowly to look at her favorite turian, his blue eyes studying her carefully. “Seems like more than just three years ago.”

 

_She almost tripped up the steps when she saw him. The events of the past week – the geth attack, the beacon, Nihlus’ death – had been a lot to deal with. While she usually kept an eye out for her hero on the Citadel, today was the first time she hadn’t in ten years, and she almost fell right into him, literally._

_She couldn’t believe it. After all these years, there he was, standing in front of her and fighting for the same cause she was – to take down Saren. Albeit they were fighting for different reasons at the moment, but he was still on her team._

_Garrus Vakarian._

_That was his name. Almost a decade and she finally knew his name._

 

A sly grin spread across Shepard’s face as she returned Garrus’s gaze. _It’s really been almost thirteen years, Big Guy…and you’re still here protecting me._

Liara’s voice interrupted Shepard’s reminiscence.

“Well, for the two of you, it _has_ been more than just three years.”

Shepard’s eyes snapped to look at Liara. Just as quickly, Liara’s face mirrored her own shock. Liara was one of the few friends that knew the true depth of her feelings for Garrus, because her struggle with mind melding had resulted in Shepard’s more emotional memories occasionally bleeding into the thoughts transferred with the beacon visions. Liara had promised to keep Shepard’s secret, but now, in a moment of absent-mindedness, Shepard’s carefully guarded memory of an embarrassing moment from her past – and the moment where she first met Garrus – threatened to rear its ugly head.

Dreading the expression she would find, Shepard turned slowly to glance at Garrus. Her favorite turian’s face evidenced a bemused but thoughtful look, his eyes still turned to study Liara who was struggling to conceal her sudden discomfort. Shepard found herself at a loss. She had every intention of telling Garrus just how far back their ties went, but this was neither the time nor the place.

Shepard’s stomach flipped when she heard Liara’s voice again, gripped by a fear that her friend would divulge more uncomfortable secrets in the awkward space of the shuttle.

“What I meant was,” Liara began with a shaky voice, “it must _seem_ like it’s been more than three years for the two of you. When two people care about it each other so deeply, it must feel like you’ve known each other forever.”

Shepard nervously cleared her throat. “Yeah,” she added, hoping to down-play the uneasy atmosphere. “I guess it does feel that way sometimes.”

Garrus’s expression quickly changed to a smile as he gazed at Shepard, love and admiration passing over his face, but Shepard didn’t miss the confusion that lingered behind his blue eyes.

“Sometimes it feels that way,” he said. “But other times, it feels like it was just yesterday that I saw Shepard walking up the steps in the Presidium to meet with the Council. I remember the reports,” he continued, switching his stance and talking over the muffled sighs of relief that escaped the lips of both Shepard and Liara. “I was busting my ass trying to find evidence against Saren. Hearing that he’d attacked a colony while I sat mired in bureaucracy…that was a bad day.”

“Yeah, that _was_ a bad day,” Shepard replied, her former discomfort slightly assuaged, and recalled where she had been when the colony was hit and everything else that happened afterward. She remembered with almost perfect clarity how she had stood in the comm room with Anderson and Nihlus, watching the vid from Eden Prime – how she had bid goodbye to someone who had become a close friend and a lover before he was betrayed and killed.

Shepard didn’t like the way her heart was twisting in her chest as she remembered the events that occurred on this planet that was now in view. She shook her head and tried to change the subject.

“Sometimes I find it hard to believe you were ever in C-Sec,” she said to Garrus with a half-smile.

He smiled back at her as he said, “I wanted to help people. Fortunately, you showed me how to use the direct approach.”

 _You already knew the direct approach_ , Shepard thought as the conversation turned back to business. But she was still unable to discard the memories evoked only a few moments before. In her mind’s eye, she saw a younger Garrus strolling toward her after dispatching her attackers, men who would have taken advantage of her in a drunken and irresponsible state. Maybe she and Garrus were a little older now, a little more worn, but those eyes of his…Garrus Vakarian’s eyes still tore through her soul with their piercing blue, just as they had thirteen years before.

She had to tell him. He had changed her life that day – and for the better. He might laugh or be disgusted with how weak and pathetic she had truly been, but he deserved to know. He might leave her, but how long could she stomach hiding the truth from him?

He _had_ helped people. He had helped her. He had given her a reason to be better than she was and stronger than she knew she could be on her own, without her father or a boyfriend to help her. Elizabeth Shepard had become her own person that day and it was because of Garrus Vakarian.

After clearing the landing with Cortez, Shepard turned back to stare out the window as the planet’s surface rose to meet them. She owed so much to Garrus. She might have stayed a Corporal like Thad if Garrus’s intervention hadn’t shown her how to be more than what she was. She might not have been able to fight off the batarians the day her father died. Shepard bit her lip at the thought of her father – would she have been able to obey his orders and stand her ground against the incoming forces of slavers had she not learned to be more confident on her own without him? She had fought at first because her father was at her side, but when he fell…she could have given in to the blackness that had threatened her heart. Fear encased with doubt could have held her back. She could have said “to hell with it”, and collapsed next to Adam Shepard, cradling his head in her hands, refusing to leave him and dying beside him. But she had forced herself to put aside her feelings of depression and dread. She had fought and not just because her father told her to, but because she had found an independent sense of courage.

And Shepard knew that she owed part of that independence to the tall, fierce paradigm of turian strength and intelligence before her.

Shepard sighed as she lighted from the shuttle onto the surface of Eden Prime. She smiled at Garrus as he jumped down next to her. Loyal and true and always by her side. How she loved him.

And he deserved to know just how much.

She shook her head as her team fell into step behind her. The mission turned up a surprise – a real, live Prothean was the artifact that Cerberus so desperately wanted – and it appeared that the awkward conversation in the shuttle was quickly forgotten. Shepard led her team in their defense of the stasis pod as they searched for the command to open it and the readiness signal to deactivate stasis mode.

Wave after wave of Cerberus lackeys poured out of shuttles, attempting to retake the pod. Just as Shepard ran out of thermal clips, she breathed a sigh of relief when Garrus sniped the last of the enemies dispatched by the latest arrival.

“Looks like we’ve got a second to catch our breath,” she said, straightening her back and leaving cover to look for more clips.

“If anybody needs fresh clips or a bathroom break, now’s the time,” Garrus said as he grinned at her, following her lead to reload his weapon as well.

Something in the way Garrus spoke made Shepard chuckle. Without thinking, she said, “Sounds like you’re prepared for all the fun we’ll have while traveling with turian-human babies someday, Garrus.”

 _Today is Foot-In-Mouth Disease Awareness Day_ , she thought, as complete embarrassment flooded through her. Garrus didn’t help her feel any better, because the look that had spread over his face was more than the mere look of confusion he had in the shuttle.

They had never talked about the future. Clearly, he loved her and she loved him, but life after war? A life without fighting? A life together that didn’t involve suicide missions and impossible odds? A life where they could just be Lizzie Shepard and Garrus Vakarian with a couple of kids and a house someplace tropical? Not on the radar.

And Garrus’s face looked so serious. Shepard could feel the color rising up her neck and spreading across her cheeks and over her nose.

“Biology may not cooperate…” he said, a strange undertone to his flange that Shepard couldn’t translate, but it wasn’t amusement and it wasn’t happiness – two emotions that might have put Shepard at ease.

What had she done? Not only was the statement awkward, but it implied so much more, and Garrus’s reaction wasn’t helping at all. She wanted a future with Garrus – if that was even possible. Of course she knew that it was impossible to make “turian-human babies.” The idea of settling down if they survived the Reapers with Garrus was something even she had never pondered before, but now, as her blundering self-conscious had somehow slipped in one of the most embarrassing ways possible, she found herself considering it.

And the thought made her happy. The only thing in the way of her happiness was the expression on her lover’s face.

He did not look happy.

Shepard turned abruptly and picked up a thermal clip. _Can’t think about this now_ , she cringed. _Kill Cerberus goons and rescue a Prothean in stasis mode. Deal with relationship issues later._

“Has the lifepod ended stasis mode?” she asked, reloading her weapon and turning to find Garrus doing the same. Liara’s voice shocked her back into reality as a new wave of Cerberus operatives flew overhead. Garrus jolted back to action as well, assuming a safe position to pick off as many enemies as he could.

She watched him as she settled into her own cover.

 _Please just forget what I said, Garrus_ , she thought as she turned her mind back to the task at hand. _Or maybe…I don’t want you to forget…_

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

Shepard’s request to spar after the Eden Prime mission didn’t surprise Garrus. It had been a strange assignment – full of odd conversations and painful memories as well as one condescending Prothean who now occupied the Port Cargo. If she wasn’t too tired, Lizzie often liked to work out after a particularly frustrating day, and even if Garrus wasn’t her boyfriend, he would still have been the best choice for a sparring partner – high-ranking in hand-to-hand combat amongst turians, and there was no match for him on a human ship…except for his Lizzie, of course. So when she had dropped by the War Room, interrupting a conversation he was having with Victus about the status of Palaven, and asked him to change and meet her in the CIC when he could spare an hour or two, he was not surprised.

As he left Victus, Garrus didn’t miss the raised eyebrow plate the Primarch directed at him. He ignored the gesture and messaged Shepard while heading for her cabin to change out of his armor, where he finally had a moment to consider what had happened on Eden Prime. The strangeness of the whole ordeal was less in the words that were said and more in the meaning behind them – a meaning that Garrus could not discern. He hadn’t thought Liara’s comment very strange at all. Sometimes it did feel like he had known Shepard so much longer than three years. Sometimes it felt to him as if he had known her his whole life – like she was a piece of him that had always been missing. It didn’t seem odd to him that one of their closest friends should comment on that. While he and Shepard hadn’t made their relationship public, their friends – Liara, Tali, Wrex – had known them for years and knew all about their feelings for one another.

What troubled Garrus was that Shepard had seemed so upset by the comment. Garrus wasn’t sure what to make of that. Did she not feel the same way about him? Did she not feel as if he were an indelible part of her being like he did?

Garrus tossed his armor in the corner by his side of the bed in frustration and shook the feeling of doubt away. How could he think something like that as he changed in Shepard’s cabin – the cabin she had asked him to move into and share with her? She shared her space with him. She shared her bed with him. Even in his own mind, he had referred to the side where he now stood as “his side.” She shared her secrets with him, confiding in him about her parents and the pain she still felt from her father’s death.

But still, something about the exchange had rubbed him wrong.

And then there was the comment she had made later. Turian-human babies? Was she implying a future with him or was she simply making a joke? Garrus’s heart thudded in his chest as he pulled on a pair of sparring clothes. He wanted a life with Elizabeth Shepard more than anything, but they had never talked about it. The most they had said about their official “commitment” to each other was that they loved one another and she wanted him to refer to himself as “her boyfriend.”

Other than that – a future, a life, settling down…kids… None of that had ever been discussed. Perhaps because they both wanted to avoid the thought that one or both of them wouldn’t make it through this war. That reason made sense to him, but the entire situation made Garrus feel guilty. He knew he was stalling. He knew he needed to make a decision. He desperately wanted Shepard to be his, but he knew that simply asking her to be his partner would be a request clothed in selfishness. She didn’t understand turian customs. She didn’t know what would happen if he asked a human to be his partner and officially documented her as such with the Hierarchy…or if the Hierarchy would even recognize their union at all.

But what had her earlier comment meant?  Did she want a life with him? Would she still want it if she knew the consequences of that decision?

Garrus didn’t know what to think as he strode to the elevator and pressed the button for the CIC. He crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently as the elevator doors slowly closed. Should he bring up the subject or was it all a jest? Did Shepard want to discuss their future or was the comment simply more battlefield banter like all the other teasing comments they had made to each other over gunfire through the years?

The elevator doors slid open and Shepard walked in, already dressed for a work out. Garrus dropped his arms to his side as she entered, pressing the button for the cargo hold.  She smiled up at him briefly, but clearly the awkwardness from a few hours before had not disappeared.

“We’re headed for the Citadel,” she finally said, breaking the heavy silence. “Have some deliveries to make and I got a message from Kaidan. Thought I could check up on him while we’re there.”

Garrus nodded. “That’s good. I can check on the refugee situation as well. I’m sure they could use some help.”

Silence again. Garrus shifted his weight and leaned against the wall of the elevator. _You’d think with all the advances they made with this ship, they could make a faster elevator_.

“There’s something else you won’t like,” Shepard spoke up again. Garrus turned to look at her and raised one eyebrow plate in response. “I have to help Aria with something.”

“Aria T’Loak?” Garrus asked.

“Yeah. She wants my help taking back Omega. And she wants me to go alone.”

“And you agreed?”

“She has some valuable resources we can use if I help her.”

“Like what? Haven’t we helped her enough already with the merc gangs?”

“The Omega fleet and large amounts of eezo couldn’t hurt.”

“But will it really help that much?”

“I’m not about to turn down a powerful potential ally and hoards of eezo because you don’t want me to go off by myself.”

The elevator doors slid open revealing the cargo hold. Garrus didn’t like Lizzie going off on solo missions. He knew she was capable and could handle herself, but thoughts of Aratoht plagued him as he imagined her rushing off to help Aria…alone and without him there to protect her. He especially didn’t like her tone, not after the strange morning they had on Eden Prime. Something was off and it made Garrus clench his fists as they exited the elevator.

But just as he opened his mouth to initiate another protest, both he and Shepard stopped at the sound of a recording playing from Lieutenant Cortez’s station.

 _“I’m coming to get you.”_ Garrus recognized Cortez’s voice and froze as he listened to the exchange.

 _“Don’t you dare_ ,” said a voice Garrus didn’t know. “ _They’re everywhere. You’d just get taken too. I can’t just sit here doing nothing.”_

He studied the back of the Lieutenant in front of them. The man looked tired, even from behind. His shoulders were slumped forward and his hands gripped the table in front of him.

“ _Stay with me.”_

_“Run – get out of there! You can make it!”_

_“No, I can’t Steve. But you can.”_

Suddenly, the anger and frustration Garrus had felt only moments before dissipated and he looked to his right at Shepard. She had a pained expression on her face, her posture tense and motionless. Without asking, he knew what she was thinking about as they listened to the heart-wrenching recording of Lieutenant Cortez’s last conversation with the man he loved. Of all people on this ship, she knew what it was like to have someone so close ripped away by violence and war.

She met his eyes, confirming Garrus’s suspicions.

“Go talk to him,” he whispered to her. “If anyone understands losing someone like that, it’s you.”

Her forehead relaxed and she nodded at him as she said, “I’ll just be a minute. Don’t go anywhere.”

Garrus instinctively moved for the weapon bench to clean some weapons or look into what new mods Shepard had picked up recently, but he knew that would not give Shepard and Cortez much privacy. Looking across the bench, he saw Vega performing his usual pull-ups routine and moved to join him.

“So, Scars,” the Lieutenant said as Garrus moved into view. “You decided to come down and visit the lowly humans in the cargo hold.”

“I guess. Was planning on a sparring match with Shepard, but she’s –“ Garrus leaned against a crate and motioned to Shepard and Cortez, now deeply engaged in conversation, “busy.”

“Yeah…Esteban’s been havin’ a rough day.” Vega dropped down onto the ground and reached for a towel to wipe the slight dampness from the back of his neck. “Kinda glad Lola came down to talk to him. I didn’t know what the hell to say. He’s been a wreck.”

“Esteban? Lola? I get ‘Scars,’ but where do you come up with all these names?” Garrus asked, trying not to eavesdrop on the pieces of conversation that drifted over from the opposite end of the hold.

“I call ‘em like I see ‘em,” Vega replied. “The Commander looks like a Lola.”

“ _You’re not alone, Steve. I’m here. Anytime you need me.”_

Garrus tried not to look over at Lizzie comforting Cortez. He could hear the pain in her voice as she attempted to console the marine.

“So, you and the Commander go way back, huh?” Apparently, Vega was trying to avoid listening to the conversation as well.

“You could say that,” Garrus replied with a grin.

“She trusts you a lot,” Vega continued, bending over his tools on the workbench. “You’re the first turian XO on an Alliance ship I’ve ever heard of. Maybe the last.”

_“My dad…he ordered me to protect the colonists, just like Robert ordered you to save yourself. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do…”_

“Most likely.” Garrus was finding it harder and harder not to strain his hearing to catch pieces of the exchange across the room.

“You know, I spent a lot of time with her while she was under house arrest, obviously. She was pretty miserable. She’s been a lot happier since running into you and Dr. T’Soni. It’s good to see her looking more alive.”

“It’s good to see her alive, period,” Garrus grunted. He turned and stole a glance at his girl over Vega’s shoulder. She was still there, a hand on Cortez’s shoulder as the Lieutenant wiped his eyes with the back of his hand again.

_“Have you ever regretted that decision?”_

_“I used to. But I haven’t for a long time.”_

Garrus saw Shepard look up as she answered Cortez’s question and meet his gaze. “ _There’s still so much to live for. So much to fight for.”_

Garrus felt his mandibles spread in an embarrassed grin. Luckily, Vega couldn’t read turian expressions, because the look on his face was similar to a blush.

“Too true. Lola’s a legend. I don’t know if anything can kill her.”

Shifting his weight from one foot to the other, Garrus considered Vega’s last comment. He knew all too well that Lizzie could be killed and his stomach threatened to turn against him at the thought.

“ _…so much to live for. So much to fight for.”_

Those had been her words only moments before – words that had comforted the weeping soldier. Garrus had to agree with her. He had been ready to die on Omega, but Shepard rescued him from that fate and showed him a new way to live. And since their first night together, Garrus had known that he actually _wanted_ to live if life meant that he could be with her. As long as Garrus had his Lizzie, then life was worth living.

He needed to tell her that. He needed to _show_ her that. He wanted something more permanent than his half of the captain’s quarters to bind her to him. Garrus wanted something that told Elizabeth Shepard that no matter where she went and no matter how many solo missions she completed, she still had to come home to him – alive.

But how? There were still so many obstacles –

“Hey! Scars! You still there?” Garrus almost jumped at James’s voice.

“Yeah, Vega, I’m listening, but it looks like Shepard’s done. It’s been nice talking to you.”

From across the room, Garrus had watched as Shepard wrapped up the conversation with Cortez. She had jerked her head toward the elevator while looking at him, and Garrus followed her lead. When the elevator doors closed behind them, Garrus punched the privacy button and wrapped his arms around Shepard’s waist. He felt her gasp as she wrapped her small hands around his neck.

“I know I can’t keep you from helping Aria,” he grumbled as he pushed her against the elevator wall. “But I _can_ remind you that you have something to come back to.”

“How could I forget?” she panted as Garrus hoisted her up while Shepard wrapped her legs around his waist. He pressed his face into her neck, nibbling softly.

“Just making sure,” he said as her fingers tightened underneath his fringe.

“Are you going to give me something to help me remember anyway?”

“I was planning on it,” he whispered with a smile. “And as your XO, I strongly recommend that you dispense with your clothes immediately.” Garrus gripped Shepard’s ass tightly in his hands as she wiggled against him to pull her shirt over her head.

“I agree with your recommendation, officer, but I believe that the commanding officer of this ship is indisposed at the moment,” Shepard grinned as she leaned forward to suck on his unscarred mandible, her fingers fumbling with the clasps of his breastplate. “You will have to take full command of this vessel temporarily, XO Vakarian.”

“With pleasure, Commander.”


	10. Someone More Like Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter the opposition....

“Let’s check on those medi-gel supplies,” Garrus ordered.

“Yes, sir,” replied the soldier near him.

“And have we heard anything from the hospital?” Garrus asked.

“The surgeons there are all busy.”

Garrus was having trouble concentrating.  Shepard had been gone for five days while helping Aria on Omega. He figured in travel time to the equation, but he truly hadn’t expected her to be gone this long. The refugees’ needs had kept him occupied most of the time, but with each passing minute, Garrus found it more and more difficult to stop himself from worrying. He was tired. He was stressed. And he needed to see Shepard soon or he would burst.

Running his hand over his face, Garrus said, “Keep on it. Some of these wounded don’t have much time.”

He turned around abruptly to retreat back to the makeshift office behind him. He needed some time alone, and he couldn’t head back to the Normandy yet. There was still so much to do on the Citadel. However, the soldiers who assisted him with the refugees knew that when he disappeared into the room behind his usual station, they should leave him alone.

Which was why Garrus nearly punched the person who grabbed his arm just as he passed the small alcove’s threshold.

“Not now –“ he began, not even attempting to hide his frustration, but his expression quickly relaxed as he spun to see who had stopped him.

“Trynix,” he said breathlessly.

He looked the female turian over as she smiled at him. Garrus was painfully aware of his older, scarred appearance while he gazed at the only other female besides Shepard whom he had ever thought he loved. He had seen her on the Citadel once before – she had been his contact with information on Sidonis. But other than their meeting then, Garrus hadn’t seen his ex-girlfriend in almost a decade.

His mandibles fluttered in surprise against his face, but Trynix didn’t miss a beat.

“Garrus,” she said. “I heard you were down here slummin’ it. I just _had_ to check it out for myself.”

“I’m only here temporarily,” he said uncomfortably. “I help when I can – whenever we are docked on the Citadel.”

“Ah yes,” she said. “Still following Commander Shepard like a lost varren, or so I’ve heard.”

Garrus’s eyes widened in surprise at Trynix’s tone. There was a flirtatious undertone to that comment that he wouldn’t have expected – especially after the way he had dismissed her at their last meeting.

“If you know whose ship I serve on, then you also know what she’s capable of. One of the best damn soldiers in existence, human or not.”

“Yes, yes. We all know what a hero she is. Saren, the Collectors, blah blah blah. But that’s not the only gossip on the Citadel.” Trynix’s eyes narrowed to slits and her wide smile turned into a teasing grin.

Garrus had an idea of what Trynix was hinting at, but he refused to take the bait.

“Is there a reason you came down here, Trynix?” he asked.

“Like I said, I had to see for myself.” She reached a hand up above her and leaned against the doorjam. Garrus couldn’t help from flitting his eyes down to her perfectly thin waist and beautifully shaped hips as her gesture accentuated her curves. Trynix always had been a poster child for the perfect turian female body. The years hadn’t changed a thing.

 

_“How did you manage to get out of military service anyway?”_

_“About the same as you,” Trynix replied, raising her glass to him in a mock toast. “My father.”_

_“Hmmph,” Garrus replied, biting his tongue before he said something he regretted about his father, the executor of C-Sec._

_“You wanna get out of here?” Trynix had put her drink down on the table they shared in the corner of Flux and was looking at him with a sharp gleam in her eye. Garrus knew he was a little drunk, but he could feel his plates loosening already. “The Councilor will be out tonight, and ever since I started working for him, I’ve wanted to have a good fuck on his desk. I think you’d be a perfect candidate to help me with that fantasy.”_

_Garrus almost dropped his drink. A little shakily, he managed to place it on the table and position his hands on his knees, hoping to control their mini-spasms._

_Trynix stood up and leaned against the wall with her arm raised, forcing him to look over her curves hungrily, her tight outfit revealing an almost obscene amount of information about the perfect form beneath it.He knew he was in trouble when his eyes snapped back to her face, a knowing smirk playing across her mouth._

_“Come on, Vakarian,” she said, her voice low. “You know you want to. No one will know.”_

_He did want to. And why not?_

_He took the last swig of his drink on the table and stood up next to Trynix. Knowing his words and the large amount of alcohol he had consumed might betray him, he decided not to use them, opting instead to put his arm around Trynix’s waist, rubbing  lightly while he bent his head down just below her mandibles and nipped teasingly at the exposed flesh of her neck. He heard her hiss in response and wrap her arm around his waist. Laughing, she led him out of the bar._

Garrus shook his head to rid himself of the tantalizing memory, but Trynix’s voice didn’t help with his noble efforts.

“You haven’t aged a bit in all the time I’ve known you. Those scars are an interesting addition, but the Commander doesn’t know how lucky she is, does she? One of the most eligible and sought after turian bachelors running around with a soft human,” she said, her voice low as she took another step toward him, her breath hot on his face. “My offer still stands from the last time we met, Garrus. But this time, I have my own office. We don’t have to use Sparatus’s.”

“Trynix, I –“ he stammered.

“Oh, shut up, Garrus.” She sounded angry now. “I know what you’ll say and I don’t want to hear it. The whole Citadel knows, or at least any turian on the Citadel with a brain knows about you and the human Commander. Her _stench_ is all over you.”

She seemed to regain her composure as her voice returned to its former sultry tones. “But you know as well as I do, it won’t last. How could it? You’d never give up your place in the Hierarchy for her. And you don’t have to. Not with me. Think of it – the two of us. It would be a perfect match, just like you wanted all those years ago. I was a fool to turn you down.”

Garrus couldn’t help the way his eyes widened at Trynix’s admission. He didn’t want her anymore. Not really, but how many times Garrus had fantasized about hearing her admit just that – that she had been wrong to turn down his proposal all those years ago – he couldn’t even count. He had asked her once…she had said she was too young. Didn’t want to settle down.

It had hurt him, more than he ever wanted to admit. Finally hearing her say that she should have accepted him still gave him more internal satisfaction than he would have expected so many years later.

His surprised look must have given Trynix confidence, because she reached for his arm hanging at his side, her hot, bare hand stroking his forearm as she continued. “And it’s not just about the political power we could wield in the Hierarchy – although that would be _substantial._ The truth is, you know you’ve never had a fuck as good as me. No way even the Savior of the Citadel can give you what you _really_ want. The human bitch wouldn’t even know where to start.”

Her words surprised him with their bluntness and ferocity. Irate at her suggestion, Garrus pushed Trynix’s hand aside, his mandibles tight against his face with rage. Who the hell did she think she was? He didn’t care how high she was ranked in the Hierarchy these days. For that matter, he didn’t really care how high _he_ was ranked either, although he knew he had moved up quite a few steps in the last six months. But regardless, Trynix had no idea that really _she_ was the one that didn’t know where to start in giving him what he wanted.

She was too late. Everything he wanted was wrapped up in a blonde, human female who held his heart.

“I don’t want to see your face again, Trynix. Get out of here. Don’t ever try to contact me.”

He whispered to stop himself from screaming at her, his anger boiling through his veins at her rudeness and ignorant insinuations. Without another word, the female turian spun on her heel, chin raised, and walked briskly out of the alcove.

Garrus watched Trynix depart, but his heart sank as he saw her shoulder collide with the shoulder of Elizabeth Shepard at the edge of the refugee camp. Trynix gave Shepard an icy glare as she stormed past her. Shepard tossed her a confused look, continuing to move forward.

_How long had she been there? What did she see?_ , he wondered as she strode closer.

“Everything ok here?” Shepard asked, her voice calm.

“Yeah. I’m glad you’re back,” Garrus replied, hoping to avoid the subject of Trynix. “I was beginning to worry.”

Shepard smiled at him. “You should know better than that, Big Guy. I’ve come back from the dead. A few Cerberus operatives aren’t gonna stop me.”

He chuckled. “But you should also know better. I’ll worry anyway.” After his horrid conversation with Trynix, he longed to reach out and pull Shepard close. Even more, he wanted to take her back to the Normandy right now, seal them into their cabin, and please her in every way possible. He knew he had done nothing wrong – he had sent Trynix away as quickly as she had approached him – but something about the whole exchange made him feel dirty. And Trynix’s discussions of turian politics certainly hadn’t helped his own doubts and fears about his relationship with Lizzie.

His concern must have been etched on his face, because Shepard interrupted his thoughts with a reassuring tone. “Hey, really Garrus, I’m fine. It was a long few days, but everything went smoothly…well…relatively smoothly anyway. I’m headed back to the ship, but wanted to let you know I was here. Will you be on board soon?”

“Definitely,” he replied with a smile. He wanted nothing more than to go back to the ship with his girl as soon as possible. “I’ll wrap things up here and meet you in _our_ cabin as soon as I can.”

“Deal,” she said as she moved to leave, but Garrus didn’t miss the fleeting glance of unease on her face as she turned before rounding the corner and hastily waved goodbye.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“Well,” Liara smiled as she sat back against the couch next to Shepard. “I suppose I did just write your name in the stars.”

Shepard was honored and humbled by the words Liara had spoken as she completed the entry in her record of the galaxy. She was equally impressed by Liara’s forethought for the project in the first place. Of course her archeologist friend would think about future cultures and people finding the records of their civilization, and in doing so, cleverly prepare for the worst should they fail.

_No_ , Shepard scolded herself. _I can’t think like that. I have to try to be positive…so much to live for…_

She couldn’t help the way her thoughts drifted to Garrus – his warm skin bare next to hers in the bed they shared, his laugh when she poked fun at him, the way he looked at her from across the room when he thought she wasn’t watching.

_Yes. So much to live for._

But she frowned as she recalled the scene she had stumbled upon only an hour before on the Citadel – the unknown turian female gently stroking Garrus’s arm in the refugee camp headquarters. She had also watched him push the stranger away, but the image made Shepard sick to her stomach as she thought about it.

“Shepard, are you all right?”

She turned to look at Liara, her friend’s face twisted into a look of concern.

“Actually,” she sighed, leaning back further into the couch, “I don’t know.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Shepard thought about that for a moment. She did want to talk about it, but the whole of what was bothering her was not just the incident from the docking bay on the Citadel. It was so much more than that, and Shepard didn’t know where to begin.

“I saw Garrus with another woman today,” she blurted. Without turning to look at her, Shepard knew that Liara’s face was shocked. “A turian woman.”

“Not that I don’t trust you, Shepard, but I find that very hard to believe.”

“It’s true,” Shepard replied, taking a deep breath. “As soon as I got back from Omega, I dropped by Garrus’s refugee headquarters to let him know I was ok. He didn’t see me and seemed busy, so I held back. It looked like they knew each other. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I saw her stroke his arm…it made me sick, Liara.”

“Did Garrus return her advances?”

“No. He pushed her away and looked pretty mad, but I don’t really know what to make of it.”

“I wouldn’t make anything of it. He pushed her away. That sounds like nothing for you to worry about.” Liara’s face relaxed and she sat back against the couch again.

“I trust him, Liara. That’s not really the issue…” Shepard uncrossed her legs and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees. Turning her head to look at Liara, she continued. “I know he loves me, but sometimes he still seems so….distant. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t be better for me to…push him away myself. We’re so different…Wouldn’t he really be better off with…someone more like him? Someone who can give him a future? A family? I can never do that for him.”

She hung her head and looked down at the floor.

“Can I ever truly make him happy? Should I even try? I’m not sure I’ll even survive th –“

“Stop right there,” Liara sat straight up and put her arm on Shepard’s shoulder. “I won’t listen to you talk like that. We have faced impossible odds before, and you have always led us through. You will do so again. You have to believe that.”

“Fuck, Liara! _You_ don’t even believe it.” Shepard stood up and began pacing the room. She motioned to the box on the table that Liara had brought to her cabin to show her and said, “That’s why you made this damn recording!”

Liara was silent at that, watching Shepard as she stared back at her, blue eyes gazing intently into green, chest heaving with pained breaths.

“Just because I take precautions doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you, Shepard.”

It was too difficult to stand. The pressure and stress of the mission and her anxiety over her relationship with Garrus weighed down on her too much in the moment, and Shepard collapsed on the floor in a heap at Liara’s feet.

“It’s so much pressure, Liara,” she finally whispered.

“I will never truly understand the stress you are under, but I can tell you this. Garrus loves you, and you have so many friends surrounding you who would do anything to ease your burden. Let us help. Please.” Liara’s voice was soft and pleading and Shepard couldn’t help but smile at her friend.

“I don’t deserve any of you as friends. I most certainly don’t deserve him. You know I don’t. You know it better than almost anyone. You know how weak I was. How weak I still am. Sometimes I feel like I should just let him go and be a good turian instead of fucking around with me.”

“I highly doubt that Garrus thinks of your relationship with him as ‘fucking around.’ Have you talked to him about these feelings?”

“Absolutely not. How could I?”

“I think you should. I still believe that I know why it feels to you like he is holding back, but it’s not my place to tell y –“

“Goddammit, Liara! It _is_ your place! You are my friend and clearly you know something about Garrus that you aren’t telling me. You mentioned this to me before. I never figured it out. The entire fucking Turian Hierarchy is a big retching mystery. No one talks about it and I don’t understand what you are hinting at.”

Shepard hadn’t moved from her seat on the floor, but she could see she had truly startled her friend with her second outburst.

“I’m sorry, Liara,” she said, dropping her head in her hands. “I think I just need some rest. I haven’t slept since I got back from Omega and seeing Garrus today with that – that – turian _bitch_ is getting to me more than I would like.”

“Your feelings are understandable,” Liara said quietly, rubbing her friend’s shoulder as she sat at her feet. “I still feel that this is something Garrus should talk to you about. I am your friend, but I’m also his friend, and it’s not my place to divulge something that is his to tell. Please understand that.”

“I do understand…I guess. It’s just so frustrating, and I’m so tired.” Shepard sighed as she stood up and moved to look at her fish tank, the new koi fish she bought swimming happily, oblivious to the concerns of the Savior of the Galaxy watching them. “I don’t just love him, Liara. I _need_ him, and the thought of losing him…”

She shook her head and turned back toward her friend. “If I die, I want to have something more permanent between us. I want him to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I loved him with everything I have before I’m gone. And I know it’s selfish, but I want the same thing for myself. But something is holding him back. Something is keeping him from broaching that subject, and I don’t know what it is.”

Liara was silent, again staring at her commander with that same intent gaze from before. Eventually, she stood and walked toward Shepard, reaching for her hands and gripping them with her own.

“I don’t like hearing you talk like that, Shepard. I said that before and I meant it. But even putting that aside, perhaps you should trust Garrus with your own secrets before you expect him to trust you with his. Maybe he can tell that you are holding back from him, just as you feel he is holding back from you. Trust goes both ways, my friend.”

Shepard was speechless. She wasn’t angry. She wasn’t embarrassed. She knew Liara was right, but she had no words to express her feelings. She wasn’t even sure what she was feeling anyway.

Liara seemed to understand and with one final squeeze of Shepard’s hands, she made her way up the stairs of the cabin and out the door to the elevator.


	11. What You Forgot to Do

Each plodding step felt heavier than the one before.

“Cortez, we’re the last ones out,” Shepard said, masking the ache in her chest with a strong tone.

_“Copy that, Commander. Shuttle is waiting.”_

What a disaster this mission had been. The rachni being manipulated by the Reapers. So many krogan lives lost in those tunnels. And now Grunt…

Shepard’s heart clenched as she thought of her friend…her adopted “son” even…lost in the tunnels behind her. Sacrificing himself to give her team a chance to escape.

The shuttle door hissed open and Garrus tossed her a sympathetic glance, but even that didn’t help her feel any better. She watched her team get situated in the Kodiak and raised one foot to jump in behind them, but just as she did so, she heard an unsteady thumping behind her.

Turning, she felt her face relax as her eyes rested on the miracle before her.

“Grunt!” she shouted and ran toward the wounded and exhausted krogan.

“Anybody got something to eat?” he responded. With a relieved smile, she caught the massive warrior in her arms as he collapsed, helping him take the last few steps to the shuttle.

“Garrus!” she called, but her turian was already on his way to help her. Together, they carried their friend to the shuttle, helping him lay on the floor as comfortably as possible for the short ride back to the Normandy.

Elizabeth Shepard felt tears stinging her eyes as she stared down at her krogan friend, his breath coming in short, raspy bursts as Cortez steered them away from the planet Utukku’s surface as quickly as possible. Straightening, she willed the tears back into their ducts. Crying was not something she did very often, and doing so in the middle of a mission was definitely something she was wont to do now. But the relief she felt at the sight of her friend alive was overpowering.

She briefed Hackett on the situation as soon as they arrived back on the Normandy. The Admiral was surprisingly pleased at the deal she brokered with the rachni queen. At the moment, however, all she cared about was that her friend wasn’t dead. She left the comm room and headed straight for the med bay to check up on Grunt but was stopped by Wrex and then Mordin. The cure was ready and a plan was developed to rid the krogan race of the genophage. Shepard couldn’t believe how quickly the galaxy was spinning around her, but just as she thought she finally had a moment to break away and see Grunt, Traynor’s voice came over the speaker.

_“Commander, Admiral Anderson is available on vid comm.”_

“Got it, Sam. Thanks.” Shepard was relieved just to know Anderson was still alive. She knew she had to jump at the chance to speak with him whenever she could. Grunt would have to wait a little longer.

She smiled as the familiar form of Anderson popped up on the vid comm.

“Shepard,” he said, the smile on his face matching hers. “So I imagine by now you’ve wiped the galaxy clean of Reapers and we can all come up for air?”

Snorting, she replied, “Not quite. There have been a few complications.”

“Aren’t there always,” Anderson retorted. “Hackett filled me in on the Crucible. Sounds like you’ve got some knots to untangle.”

“I’m just glad I could take care of one of them for you. I gather you and Kahlee Sanders were close.”

Shepard had made a quick stop before heading to Utukku to help the students at Grissom Academy. She’d found Jack and met Sanders, who Shepard had been surprised and happy to discover knew Anderson…apparently very well if the tone Sanders used when speaking of Anderson could be taken seriously. It appeared Shepard’s feelings were correct, as Anderson used a similar softer tone when he spoke about the blonde woman from his past.

“I owe you for that one, Shepard. Kahlee and I met almost twenty years ago. We even had a run in with Saren in his early days. She and I were…” Anderson gazed off to the side for a moment before he continued. “More than close.”

“She misses you,” Shepard said.

“I miss her. End of the world has a way of reminding you what you forgot to do.”

The conversation quickly turned back to business, but something about Anderson’s words struck a chord deep within Shepard’s heart. She thought of the day’s events, almost losing Grunt, discovering the bodies of krogan who were willing to give their lives for her and the supposed salvation of the galaxy. Did they have time to do the things they wanted to before they died? Most likely not, and they weren’t the only ones. Shepard was staring into the holographic face of a man who was willing to stay behind on Earth while he sent her away to save the galaxy.

In Shepard’s mind, the man before her was so much more deserving, so much more capable of saving the galaxy than she was. She hated the idea that anyone thought their life less precious than hers, all because they thought she could do something that she didn’t know how to do or be someone she didn’t know how to be.

So many lives wasted, because they believed she was larger than life.

She thought of Garrus, his brave confidence in her. He was the only person in the universe that made her feel like what she was attempting to do was actually possible. She couldn’t help but feel that he still deserved so much more, someone stronger than her, someone able to stand by him with his people. But if Garrus insisted on staying by her side, she would continue to do her best to live up to his expectations.

The fear of failure shadowed her heart.

She concluded her conversation with Anderson, sad to see his image fade. Before heading out of the comm room, she leaned against the railing in front of her to collect her thoughts. She was just one person. She would fight hard and she would do her best, but the pressure on her was so great. She wasn’t sure she could stand it.

How many more good soldiers and friends would she lose while they willingly gave their lives for a cause they believed in? But more specifically, how many would give their lives so she could live?

She didn’t want that. She didn’t want any of this, but no one would let her say no. She simply had to carry on.

 

  _“End of the world has a way of reminding you what you forgot to do.”_

 

She might not have another chance to do the things she wanted to do…the things that if she lived long enough, she might forget to do. Everyone else might believe in her, but Shepard had no illusions. She fully expected that this mission would claim her life. She wouldn’t talk to Liara about that again. She wouldn’t share that fear with Garrus. She knew that none of her friends would want to hear those words, but something told her it was true.

She could only hope that it wasn’t too late for her to do and say just a few of the things she wanted to those close to her. Especially, a blue-eyed turian who held her heart.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“It’s good to see you taking a break from all those war reports, Victus.”

“And it’s good to see you having a minute to rest from all those ground missions, Vakarian.”

The two turian men smiled at each other over the pathetic excuse for dextro cuisine in the mess. Garrus watched as Victus tried to stomach another bite and then pushed his tray away.

“Shit. How do you eat this stuff?”

Garrus chuckled as he replied, “You get used to it in time.”

Both turians looked up at the sound of the elevator. Garrus couldn’t help the way his face lit up when he saw Shepard walking quickly toward the med bay. She didn’t hesitate to smile back at him, but signaled with one finger that she would be a minute as she checked on Grunt. Garrus knew Chakwas was still treating the krogan’s wounds, although the shutters over the med bay’s windows were closed. But he also knew that Shepard would insist on seeing her “big ass baby krogan” if he could be seen. Apparently, Karin didn’t kick Shepard out, because the med bay doors slid shut behind the Commander and didn’t reopen.

“Does Commander Shepard always take such a vested interest in her crewmembers?” Victus asked.

“She does. She cares very deeply about her crew. It’s one of the reasons they trust her, which makes her missions successful,” Garrus replied.

“I’ve been watching her very closely since boarding this ship.” Garrus shifted uncomfortably at Victus’s tone. “She often comes to speak with me in the War Room. I’ve never known a human like her.”

“She is one of a kind,” Garrus said through gritted teeth. _She visits him in the War Room? What exactly do they have to talk about?_

“Yes. She is,” came the quiet reply.

Both of their heads spun around as they heard the med bay doors open, this time revealing Commander Shepard walking toward them with a smile on her face.

“Gentlemen. Good to see you both,” she said with a smile as she slid into a seat next to Garrus. Her hand briefly brushed against his leg and Garrus hoped that Victus didn’t notice the way his mandibles flared into a pleased grin.

“And you, Commander,” Victus drawled, leaning forward and clasping his hands together on the table. “How is your krogan friend?”

“He’s going to be fine,” she replied, her smile widening. “Karin is a fantastic doctor. He will need to rest for a few days. That will be the hardest part…he won’t like being on bed rest.” She stopped to look at the faces of the two turians one at a time. She must have noticed Garrus’s slightly tense look, because she asked, “I’m sorry, did I interrupt something important?”

“Not at all, Commander. In fact, we were just discussing you,” the Primarch said.

“Me?” Shepard sat up in surprise. “What galactic incident have I caused this time?”

“It’s not what you have caused,” Victus explained, his voice dropping lower. “It’s who you are.”

Shepard blinked once. Twice. Garrus’s gaze flickered toward Victus whose eyes were narrowed to predatory slits fixed on _his_ girlfriend.

When Shepard didn’t respond, Victus continued.

“I’m intrigued by you, and I was hoping you would help me release some….tension…before we land on Tuchanka. Would you be interested in sparring with me, Commander? I don’t know if Garrus has informed you that this form of…release…is quite common on turian ships.”

Garrus sat back in shock. He couldn’t believe that the Primarch of Palaven would be so brazen. Another male turian had just boldly propositioned Garrus’s girlfriend – and right in front of him! Not only that, the proposition had come from the fucking Primarch.

Garrus didn’t know what to do. If Victus wanted Shepard, the Hierarchy would say he was welcome to try for her. After all, Garrus had made no official claim to this woman. In fact, their relationship was supposed to be a secret even though Trynix had hinted that it wasn’t as well-hidden as Garrus thought it was. And if Trynix was correct, then Victus knew exactly what he was doing.

Turian protocol would require Garrus to let the Primarch have his attempt. Shepard could accept or reject him, but the decision was up to Shepard.

But Garrus never was a very good turian.

He growled and both Shepard and Victus turned to look at him, a strange grin of satisfaction on the Primarch’s face.

“Shepard. Leave us for a moment,” Garrus grumbled in his most threatening tone possible.

Shock passed over Shepard’s face, but she nodded and stood, silently making her exit. Garrus was surprised that Shepard didn’t put up a fight, but she must have understood in his tone that this was not the time for her to assert her dominance as commander of the ship.

 This was beyond the purview of her authority. This was personal.

Garrus continued to stare Victus down over the cold trays of food between them. To his surprise, Victus laughed, sat back in his chair, and laced his fingers behind his head, just under his fringe.

“So it is what I thought,” the Primarch chuckled.

“And just what is that?”

“Your _relationship_ with the Commander is much deeper than that of soldier and officer. It’s even more than friendship. But I wouldn’t have believed how strong your connection is if I had not just seen it for myself.”

Garrus was stunned. “If you knew that I cared for her,” he began, trying not to stumble over his words as he admitted to the leader of the turian race that he was involved with a human, “then why did you attempt to take her from me?”

“You’ve taken such pains to hide it, Garrus. I wanted to see what you were willing to do to keep her.”

“Are you truly interested in her?”

“Spirits no, son. I’m nearly old enough to be your father, and thus, I’m sure I’m old enough to be hers as well. My partner may be gone, but I’m not interested in plucking something as young as Commander Shepard from the vine. Albeit, I will admit that I know at least some of the reasons why you are so enamored with her.”

Garrus said nothing. He sat back in his chair, letting his armor clink painfully against the metal of the seat. He sighed deeply and looked down at the half-eaten tray of food as he fought to keep down what he had hastily shoved into his stomach earlier.

The Primarch of Palaven knew that he loved a human. He loved her enough that he had stood up to the highest ranking official in the Turian Hierarchy for her.

He was so fucked.

“What’s holding you back, Vakarian?”

“I don’t know what you mean, sir.” Garrus knew that he had to try to gain back some semblance of respect for the Primarch. While Victus had revealed he truly had no interest in the Commander romantically or sexually, Garrus had still crossed a line and he knew it.

“Dispense with the formalities, Garrus. I’m not concerned about your actions. I provoked you on purpose. All I need to know is why you haven’t claimed her as your own.”

The conversation had taken a strange turn. This was the same problem Garrus had been wrestling with since the moment he realized he loved Elizabeth Shepard…years ago.

“You know exactly why I haven’t,” he grumbled.

“I want to hear you say it,” Victus replied.

“Why do you care?”

“Touchy. Perhaps it’s because I respect you, Vakarian. Have you thought of that? You are one of the only turian officials with a brain in his head. Because of you and your work, we had the best chance against the Reapers when they attacked. They are still murdering us, but it could have been so much worse. I would even like to consider you a friend after all we have been through together the last few months.”

Garrus couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Adrien Victus had taken a strong interest in his life. But Garrus still didn’t understand where this conversation was headed. He shook his head and the Primarch leaned forward, lowering his voice.

“I’ve known since we were on Menae how you felt about the Commander. We all might die tomorrow in this damn war. If anyone can find even some small bit of comfort or happiness in times like these, then I will be damned if turian politics will keep them from that happiness.”

“What are you saying?” Garrus asked, his heart fluttering in his chest.

“I know why you have held back. I know why you haven’t marked her or claimed her as your own.”

“You know we don’t physically mark our partners anymore. That’s an obsolete symb –“

“Yes, yes, I know. My point is, you haven’t even declared on official record that she is your partner. And I think you should. I’m _telling_ you that you should.”

Garrus was silent for a moment before he continued. “I will lose everything if I do that.”

“I get the feeling you are the type of turian who doesn’t give a fuck about that, Vakarian.”

“For myself, no,” Garrus said slowly. “But for her…yes. We both know what happens to those who choose a civilian ranked partner, let alone a _human_ partner. Asari are more respected now, but humans? You know that I will actually give her more by giving her less.”

“Just something to ponder, son, but do you really think Commander Shepard cares about your property and wealth? I doubt she even knows about it. She knows nothing of your family’s standing.”

“It’s not about whether she cares about it or not. I want to have something to offer her. Something besides a failed C-Sec Officer turned vigilante who couldn’t even protect his people from the Reapers when he knew they were coming.” Garrus’s chest was heaving as he heard his voice grow louder, his emotions getting the better of him again as he thought about the mess he had made of his life. He knew Lizzie loved him, but sometimes he wasn’t sure why. He never could see in himself what she seemed to see in him, and he so desperately wanted something more to give her.

“What if I told you that wouldn’t happen?” Victus asked, shifting in his seat. “What if I told you that you could retain your rank and title?”

“How in the world could you do such a thi –“

“I’m the fucking Primarch of Palaven. That’s how.”

Garrus was speechless, his thoughts racing as quickly as his heart. _Maybe it’s all possible_ , he dared to think.

Nervously, he cleared his throat and whispered, “Why would you do that for me, sir?”

“Like I said before, I respect you. Turians claim to be so advanced and evolved, but we still cling to these antiquated social and political customs. Commander Shepard is quite possibly the strongest member of any species I have ever met. It would be an honor for her to be joined to one of the best turians I have ever known.”

“So, it’s purely for selfish reasons – for the advancement of the turian race? If that’s the only reason, Victus, I don’t know about –“

“No, Vakarian. That’s not the only reason. The real reason is that as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to value what is truly important.” Victus hung his head for a moment before looking back up at Garrus. “When I lost my partner…That was quite possibly the worst day of my life. If Shepard has met your family, then I’m sure she has the approval of your father. In the end, it’s _family_ that matters, not politics or money or your rank in society. Take what happiness you can. Spirits help us, politics should not stop us from being with those we love. Life is too short to waste on frivolities.”

Abruptly, Victus stood up from his seat, tray in hand.

“Your life and decision are your own,” he said as he walked around the table and placed his free hand on Garrus’s shoulder. “But know that the Turian Hierarchy will not punish you for who you love.”

The Primarch placed his tray in the dish receptacle and began walking toward the elevator. He stopped just as he passed Garrus.

“And further, Vakarian, give me a little credit. Did you really think I wouldn’t hear the scuttlebutt about where you sleep?”


	12. A Hymn of Solace

“Greetings, XO Vakarian. There are several new upgrades waiting for you at your workbench. Commander Shepard acquired them specifically for you.”

“Uh, thanks, I think.” Garrus still was not used to the VI that assisted Liara with her work as the Shadow Broker. He shied away from the glowing orb as the door to Liara’s quarters shut behind him.

“Hello, Garrus,” Liara said without looking up from her terminal. Garrus moved to stand next to her.

“Hey, Liara.”

“What can I do for you?”

“I…well, I came to ask a favor.”

“I assumed that was why you came to my office instead of contacting me over the comm. So, I will ask again, what can I do for you?”

Garrus was taken aback by Liara’s abrupt tone. Usually, his asari friend was warm and welcoming whenever they talked, but for some reason, she seemed annoyed to have him invading her space.

“It’s about my family,” he said quietly.

Finally, she looked at him. Her expression was softer than her previous tone of voice, a brief flicker of worry coursing her brow. But just as quickly as the expression came, it left, and Liara turned back to her terminal.

“What about them?” she asked.

“I know you have…access to many different channels of information – communication lines, information systems and the like – channels that I can’t reach. I still haven’t heard from my father and sister since Palaven was attacked.” Garrus paused, remembering his final conversation with his father and sister from Menae. He looked down at the floor as he said, “I was hoping that you could keep an eye out for information on them.”

Liara finally stopped her furious typing at the terminal and turned to face him. Leaning against the desk, she crossed her arms.

“Of course, Garrus. In fact, I was already doing so, but I will redouble those efforts. It’s a horrible thing to not know where your family is.”

“Yes it is.”

An awkward quiet settled over the room, random beeps and clicks from the over-abundance of technology in the room punctuating the silence.

“Well,” Garrus finally said, “I guess I’ll be going. Thanks for the help, Liara.”

He turned to leave, still unsure why his asari friend was acting so strangely. Her voice stopped him before the door slid open.

“Actually, Garrus, there’s something you can do for me in return.”

Garrus quickly replied, “Of course,” as he faced Liara.

Liara gave him a long, pointed stare before she spoke.

“Please explain to Shepard why you are holding back from her.”

Stunned, Garrus just stared back at his friend for several moments.

“She can tell that there is something you’re not telling her,” Liara continued. “She has come to me for advice more than once, and it has put me in an awkward position. I have told her it’s something she should hear from you, but part of me wonders…”

Liara stopped, uncrossing her arms and walking toward him. “Do you ever intend to tell her? Or will you refuse to give up your rank and title for her?” She was so close now that he could feel her angry, hot breath on his face. “Are you truly that selfish? Because if that’s the case, Garrus, you owe her an explanation and a clean break. She has enough stress on her shoulders. It would be better to end things now than to drag out a relationship that you have no intention of committing to!”

_First Victus, now Liara_ , he thought. Garrus still didn’t know how to respond, so of course, he said the worst thing possible.

“I didn’t know you knew so much about the Hierarchy, Liara.”

“Of course I do, Garrus! I’m an archeaologist who studies different peoples and cultures and now I’m the Shadow Broker! I’ve known what you’ve been holding back since we were on the old Normandy together, but as usual, you have _entirely_ missed the point!”

“I haven’t missed the point. I just – “

“If you break her heart, that will be hard to watch, but it is so much harder to watch her pine away after you when she doesn’t understand what is wrong!”

“How can she be pining? I spend every waking moment with her that I can.”

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it! Now, if you don’t tell her, then when she comes to me again, I will tell her my –“

“I’m going to tell her, Liara!” Garrus was sure that if anyone was outside Liara’s office, they would have heard his voice. He cracked his neck from side to side, attempting to calm himself down as he took a step back from the asari. “I just don’t know how…”

“It’s not that difficult, Garrus,” Liara replied quickly, still annoyed but visibly tempered. “You just open your mouth and tell her that when a turian –“

“That’s not what I’m talking about. I know how to explain the Hierarchy to her.” Garrus sighed, looking down at the floor, unsure how to phrase the thought poking its way through his brain since his conversation with the Primarch only a few days before.

“I want to do more than just tell her. I want to ask her to be my partner. To…make it official, you could say.”

Finally, Liara relaxed, her arms hanging loosely at her sides and a smile gracing her face.

Garrus continued, “I just don’t know how to go about it.” His words were almost a whisper.

“Oh, Garrus.” Liara reached out and grabbed his arm. “That’s more than I had hoped for – for both of you. And women really aren’t that complicated. Just ask her!”

He shook his head. “No, you don’t understand. With this war and the Reapers…who knows if we will ever have a chance to make good on any promises we’ve made to each other. I have tried to be positive for her, but we all know that this fight will cost lives…maybe some of our own. All that I may be able to give her will be a promise, but I want it to be a damn good promise.”

He took a deep breath before concluding. “I have no idea how humans promise those kinds of things to each other.”

“Shepard isn’t the kind of woman who will care abo –“

“I know _she_ won’t care,” Garrus interrupted. “But I still want it to be something more than a ‘Will you be my partner for life?’ I want it to be a memory she can hold to…so no matter what happens…at least she’ll have that.”

He dared to look up into Liara’s face and was surprised to see her eyes brimming with tears.

“I can help you with that, my friend,” she whispered. But her voice became stronger as she turned to the VI hovering near the upgrade terminal. “Glyph. A new side project. One that we won’t tell Shepard about. Research and upload any relevant and useful results on human relationship rituals you find to Garrus’s private account. I believe the humans call it ‘marriage.’”

“Of course, Shadow Broker,” replied the VI.

“ _I would like to assist as well, Dr. T’Soni,_ ” EDI’s voice broke into the conversation. “ _I believe this research will help me with my own personal inquiries concurrently.”_

“Thank you, EDI.” Liara said. Turning back to Garrus, she continued, “There. Hopefully that will help. I’m sorry for being so short with you before. Shepard saw you with another turian woman the other day, and she was concerned. I told her it was nothing to worry about, but she has been stressed over a great many things.”

Garrus ran a hand over his face. “Damn. I had hoped she didn’t see that. Not that there was anything to hide – an old girlfriend came on to me. It was…unpleasant.”

“I understand, and I told her that. She didn’t want you to be worried about her, so she said nothing to you, but it affected her more than she liked.”

“I had no idea.”

“Shepard always has been very good at hiding her private feelings from her crew.”

“She isn’t that good at hiding things from me. I’m not just her crew, Liara. I’m her boyfriend. I sleep beside her every night.”

Something flashed behind Liara’s eyes that made Garrus uneasy, but before he could identify what it was, Liara’s face broke into a smile again.

“I’m so relieved, Garrus. I am glad that you really are the noble turian I thought her were. However, I do have a lot of work to do.”

“Yes, of course. I do too. I believe we’re landing on Tuchanka in a few hours.”

“I’m assigned to this ground mission as well, so I will see you then.”

With a reassuring smile and another grip of his arm, Liara walked back to her terminal and returned to work. Garrus spun on his heel and left her alone, but just as the door to Liara’s quarters slid shut behind him, his omni-tool pinged. Garrus’s mandibles flared into a smile as he found the first set of relevant hits that Glyph had found for him on the extranet.

“Back to research,” he whispered to himself as he walked toward the Main Battery. “Just like old times.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

Through the shower door, Shepard could hear someone enter her cabin. She knew who it was, but somehow that thought didn’t comfort her. The water pelted down onto her naked back, her ears, her legs, her head – making jagged trails across her face as it found its way slowly over her nose and cheeks.

She hadn’t cried yet. She didn’t intend to. The water did that for her.

The metal floor was cold beneath her even though the shower water was still warm. She had sat on the floor for nearly twenty minutes, the hot water fading to warm and now the warm water becoming cooler and cooler by the second.

She began to shiver.

The sensation of shivering made her feel a little better. It was a reminder that she could feel and that not all she felt was comfort and warmth. What right did she have to live in relative ease on the Normandy while all around her the galaxy was crashing down? What right did she have to be safe and protected on the best ship in the known universe while the Reapers destroyed planets?

What right did she have to be alive when Mordin was dead?

_None_ , she thought. _I have no right to be alive. How many more lives will be lost in a fruitless endeavor? I don’t want anyone else to die to preserve my life. I_ can’t _let anyone else die for me…_

The shivering became stronger, stopping just shy of full body convulsions as the icy cold water slapped against her skin.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been in the shower now. She knew she didn’t have the strength to pull herself up. Visions of her dear friend taking that elevator up into the Shroud to bring salvation to the krogan race played over and over in her head. She nearly jumped each time her mind blasted the image of the explosion that took the salarian doctor’s life.

She didn’t move when the bathroom door slid open, the hulking form of her love in the doorway. _I guess it was long enough for him to worry_.

In one large step, he reached the controls and shut off the water. Without speaking, he bent down to her and pressed his mouth to the top of her head. Shepard shut her eyes and relished the feeling but quickly felt a pang of guilt.

_And what right do I have to be loved by such a person when he doesn’t really know me?_

But she let him unbend her buckled legs, pins and needles shooting through them as they untwisted from their pose beneath her naked body. Without a sound, Garrus picked her up in his arms and cradled her sopping wet and shuddering form to his chest. She wrapped her arms around his neck, curling up against the warmness emanating from his body.

He dried her off briskly with a towel, and in a few short moments, she was lying wrapped in the sheets on her bed. She heard Garrus mutter something to EDI to increase the temperature of the room and watched as her turian stripped himself of his clothes and crawled under the covers with her, his strong arms enveloping her and pulling her close. Part of her still felt guilty for feeling such comfort, but another part of her relaxed completely as she felt her eyes begin to close, exhaustion and grief overwhelming her.

She felt her breathing become steadier and heavier as her shivering subsided, but Garrus didn’t release his hold. If anything, he pulled her closer.

But just as Shepard began to feel the first breaths of sleep, Garrus did something he had never done before. She felt it in her chest – a deep but soft rumbling that at first she thought was nothing more than her boyfriend’s snoring. But as the rumbling continued and grew a little louder, she realized it wasn’t his breathing or even the purring he emitted when they made love and held each other afterward. As she listened, the sound grew louder and louder until it registered in her consciousness that Garrus was humming. There was a melody to the dual-toned rumbling that echoed through his chest and into her own. It was beautiful and haunting and pure.

Just as Shepard thought she had caught on to the melody, Garrus surprised her again. He opened his mouth, and although she couldn’t see his face from where her neck was buried in his cowl, she could hear his voice. There were words to this melody. Her translator couldn’t catch them – the lyrics must have been in some obscure turian dialect – but she didn’t need to have the words translated to know what the song was.

It was a lullaby.

The notes sounded ancient, the words resonating within her as she gripped her turian’s neck tighter. She was sure the song was meant to sing a child to sleep, but in this moment, the music falling around her from Garrus’s throat was more than a child’s cradlesong – it was a hymn of solace.

The void clouded her mind as she drifted off to sleep, chasing away the painful vision of Mordin’s sacrifice, enveloping her in the warmth and peace of her lover’s strong arms and soothing voice.


	13. No One Lives Forever

_A buzzing noise made Shepard open her eyes. She found herself lying on her back in the middle of a forest clearing, staring up into clear blue skies, a ship flying over the tops of the trees above her the source of the buzzing sound. Sitting up, she looked around, trying to get her bearings._

_She had seen this forest before – in her nightmares – but it always looked different there. The trees were the same, but now they were green and full of life, not dry and dying. The sky above was a deep blue, like the blue she remembered over Lake Michigan when she visited her grandmother as a child. She thought she could hear birds chirping in the trees around her._

_“The Nightmare Forest” she called it – but now green and brimming with life._

_She pushed herself off the ground and stretched her arms above her head._

_“Over here, Skipper.”_

_Shepard turned abruptly in the direction of the voice._

_Ashley’s voice._

_The forest was thick. She couldn’t see around the trees as she dodged them, her pace quickening to a jog. The trees began to thin, the space between them increasing until she found the end of the woodland._

_And there she was. Ashley Williams. Back leaning against a tree in her armor, one foot resting against the trunk, her face turned away from Shepard and looking out over a vast expanse of ocean as the forest gave way to a steep cliff._

_“Ash?” Shepard said tentatively._

_At her voice, the apparition of her dead friend turned to smile at her._

_“Hey, Shepard.”_

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“I should ask you that. You’re the one that brought me here.”_

_“Oh. Right. My dream.”_

_“You got it.”_

_Shepard walked toward Ashley and leaned against a tree facing her. Ashley was still smiling at her and Shepard’s heart ached to reach out and touch her. She even tried. Extending one hand, she attempted to place it on Ashley’s shoulder only for the vision before her to begin to shiver and fade where her hand contacted it._

_“Sorry, Skipper. I don’t think you can do that here.”_

_“It was worth a shot.”_

_“Always is, I guess. So…why don’t you tell me why you’re dreaming about me?”_

_Shepard leaned back against the tree again, pondering Ashley’s question, but it didn’t take her long to come up with a response._

_“I lost another friend today.”_

_“I know. It wasn’t your fault.”_

_“I think I know that, Ash, but it doesn’t hurt any less.”_

_“You did the right thing.”_

_“Did I?”_

_Ashley pushed herself off the tree and moved to stand directly in front of Shepard. Her hands fell to her sides and her brows furrowed into a serious expression._

_“Listen to me,” she said in a commanding tone. “This is war. People are going to die. But you still made the right choice. You can’t control what happens to everyone you love and you can’t blame yourself for everything that goes wrong.”_

_Shepard opened her mouth to interrupt. “I’m so sorry, Ash. If I had known –“_

_Ashley took one more step forward, her face now inches from Shepard’s._

_“It’s not your fault,” the phantom whispered. “Those who follow you do so because they_ want _to. They made their choice and so did I. Stop beating yourself up. It dishonors our memories. Sacrifice is part of war, friendship…love.”_

_Returning to her tree, Ashley rejoined Shepard in a relaxed pose as the pair of soldiers stared out at the vast ocean, the bright orange sun setting over the horizon._

_“Speaking of love,” Ashley finally said with a knowing smile. “How’s Garrus?”_

_Without taking her eyes off of the rose and flame colored sky, Shepard whispered reverently, “He’s perfect. More than I had even imagined he would be.”_

_Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Ashley smile. “I’m glad you finally took your head out of your ass and talked to him. You ever tell him about –“_

_“No. Well…not yet. I’m working on it.”_

_“He’s not going to judge you.”_

_“I hope you’re right.”_

_“I know I’m right. I’m dead, remember? I get to see the whole picture now.”_

_“You know I don’t believe in that shit, Ash.”_

_“I know, but I thought I might try. You deserve to be happy, Skipper. And no one lives forever. Don’t waste the time you have.”_

_Shepard wasn’t sure if Ashley’s last statement was meant to be encouragement or a warning, but either way, the sun seemed to be setting faster than she would have expected. She didn’t like the eerie feeling that the creeping dark brought with it._

_“When the sun goes, I have to go, too, Skipper.”_

_Shepard nodded. Somehow she had known that._

_“You don’t have to forget about me,” Ashley said, “But don’t remember me with guilt. I don’t want that.”_

_The last light of the sun blinked out over the water and Ashley was gone. Looking up and around her, the trees’ leaves began to fall, burning and abandoning the branches to look more like the barren waste of a forest she remembered from her nightmares._

No _, she thought._ Not now.

_She heard voices. Ashley’s voice as well as others. Cringing as she turned away from the water’s edge, she saw what she expected to see – the little boy from the day of the Earth attack._

_She knew what was coming, but she also knew she had to move forward for the dream to end. The smell of burnt trees and death crept into her nostrils as she chased after the boy, always too far to reach. When the flames engulfed him as they always did, Shepard could still hear Ashley’s voice._

_“You deserve to be happy, Skipper. And no one lives forever. Don’t waste the time you have.”_

She sat up with a jolt. Garrus was gone, her sheets drenched in her own sweat. She shivered as the cooler air touched her skin. She pulled on her clothes and walked up the steps to the bathroom. After splashing cold water on her face, she heard a knock on her cabin door.

“It’s open.”

“Shepard,” Liara’s voice said. “There’s something you need to hear.”

“All right,” Shepard replied, staring at her tired face in the mirror, the bathroom door remaining closed.

“Is this a bad time?” Liara asked through the door.

Her scars were still gone, the grid lines from Cerberus’ reconstruction barely visible. She traced the line where her scar from Elysium used to be, as she had so many times since her resurrection. She missed that scar – the scar that reminded her of who she was and where she had come from. The scar that spoke of the death of heroes and how even the strongest could fall. Like her dad. Like Ashley. Like Mordin.

“Thinking of some friends who aren’t around, thanks to this war,” she finally answered.

“That’s thanks to the Reapers, not you. Are you thinking about anyone in particular?”

“Ashley back on Virmire. She gave her life stopping Sovereign. I wonder what she'd make of fighting a whole fleet of Reapers.”

“If I had to guess, Ashley would call it target practice.”

Shepard chuckled softly. “Yeah. Sounds like her.” Sighing, she pushed off the sink and stood up straight, her younger, unscarred reflection taunting her with its newness.

_Even heroes can die_ , she reminded herself. _No one lives forever. Don’t waste the time you have._

Taking a deep breath, she moved for the door. As it slid open, she asked, “Didn’t you have something for me?”

“The salarian councilor has an urgent matter,” Liara replied.

“Let me guess. She called the comm room.”

“The Council must be taking the Crucible seriously. I’ll see you downstairs.”

As she followed Liara out the door, Shepard took a last look at her bed, the sheets still crumpled from where she had woken from her nightmare.

_You know I don’t believe in this shit, Ash_ , she thought, _but if you are looking out for us, keep a special eye on Garrus for me. That’s one hero I don’t think I could stand to watch die._

She knew she imagined the response in her head, but the fictional reassurance was enough to keep her moving.

_“You got it, Skipper.”_

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

It had been one of those days, and unfortunately, Garrus was afraid that days like today would become more frequent. The war was progressing steadily onward, and with it, the Illusive Man’s own armies were becoming stronger and more formidable, with Kai Leng as the new face of the enemy. Garrus found himself deeply troubled by the day’s events – the Cerberus coup, Udina’s betrayal, a new and formidable enemy, Thane’s death…

And on top of everything, Garrus was nervous.

He had been studying the information Glyph and EDI sent him on human courtship rituals. Nothing about his relationship with Shepard seemed to fit the mold of what a “romantic” relationship should be. Flirting during firefights, their first night together before a suicide mission, a reunion during war time – nothing about their bond resembled a normal romance at all. He knew he was selfish to be thinking of such things on a day like today, but as events continued to spiral downward, the war steadily pushing them towards an inevitable head on clash with the Reapers, Garrus felt an internal pressure to solidify the one thing in his life that had gone right.

He wondered if everyone felt the way he did as he prepared to ask the most important person in his life to be with him forever – or at least whatever “forever” they had.

Shepard. His Lizzie Shepard. The one bright spark of hope for the galaxy, but even more than that, the one bit of warmth in his own life as well.

His nervousness today was two-fold. Researching human customs was bad enough, learning that he felt wholly inadequate and confused about how to “pop the question,” as the humans called it. But not only that, today they had run into three – not just one or two – but _three_ people who would give anything to have Shepard.

Garrus had never suspected Commander Bailey of harboring secret feelings towards Lizzie Shepard, but as her team had arrived at just the right moment to save the C-Sec Commander’s life, Garrus didn’t miss the look of longing in the human man’s tired and lonely eyes.

Then they had run into Thane. Garrus respected Thane. He would even call the drell a friend. That didn’t mean he had felt completely comfortable watching the way Thane studied Shepard as she ran to his aid, especially since he knew of Thane’s well-guarded feelings for her.

He shook his head, embarrassed to be feeling this way as his friend lay dying in Huerta Memorial…Thane might be dead already.

As Garrus stood in front of the memorial wall on the Normandy, he traced the names of the fallen with his gloved hands, resting tenderly on the name of Ashley Williams. He had never been particularly close to Ashley, but he knew what the human woman had meant to Lizzie and he knew the guilt his girlfriend carried since her death.

Garrus suppressed an angry growl and avoided looking to the observation deck to his left, knowing that Kaidan was now on the ship and just beyond those doors. He didn’t know what Shepard’s plans for Kaidan were, but she had at least allowed him back on the ship. He had apologized for Horizon, but as Garrus looked at Ashley’s name on the wall, he couldn’t help but wish that it was Kaidan in her place. If Shepard hadn’t stopped Garrus when they confronted him on the Citadel –

He jumped guiltily as he heard the elevator door open behind him.

He knew it was her. He knew the sound of her footsteps, just the right weight on the metal floor.

“Shepard,” he said as she assumed a position at his side, staring at the wall. “Hell of a day. Udina loses his mind, the Citadel almost falls…and you almost had to put down a friend.”

He knew exactly what he was doing. He didn’t like it, but he found himself doing it anyway. He was giving in to his base and childish feelings, but he had to know. He had to know before he made a fool of himself whether he was really all she wanted or not.

“It got a little tense there,” she replied.

That didn’t quite answer the question pressing at the back of Garrus’s mind. So he pushed harder.

“If it had come down to it, could you have pulled the trigger?” he asked. It was a loaded question. Could she have seen past Kaidan and done what needed to be done? Or did she put her friendship – and possibly past relationship – with Kaidan before the objective?

“I don’t see how,” she said. “We start killing our friends and war turns into murder.”

He wasn’t entirely sure why her answer bothered him so much. She had told him she never loved Kaidan, and Garrus believed her. Perhaps it was the way she called Kaidan a friend, even after all the man had done. Garrus didn’t _really_ wish Kaidan dead – he just didn’t want him around. Until today, he didn’t know the depth of his own feelings – he didn’t know that part of him still felt betrayed, knowing Shepard had spent the night with Kaidan on the old Normandy while he lay awake, staring at the ceiling, aching to hold her and pained because he thought he had hurt her.

“But it doesn’t always give us the easy way out, does it?” he responded, clenching his fists at the thought of the human marine’s hands on Shepard.

Apparently, Garrus wasn’t over it.

He was ashamed.

_You’re better than this, Vakarian_ , he told himself.

“At least Kaidan didn’t have to join Ash,” he finally managed to spit out.

“Let’s hope she’s lookin’ out for us,” Shepard said wistfully. “This was her fight too.”

Garrus nodded, but an uncomfortable silence descended on the pair. Just as Garrus was worried that maybe he had revealed too much of his prior guilty thoughts, Shepard looped her arm through his and put her head on his shoulder. He relaxed and raised his other hand to grip her small one resting comfortably on his forearm.

“It’s good to have Kaidan back,” he finally coughed. “Always good to have a friendly gun.”

He winced as Shepard’s head left his shoulder and looked toward the observation lounge.

“Yeah, I guess so,” she said. “I haven’t talked to him yet. Don’t really feel like it.”

“No one says you have to talk to him until you’re ready,” Garrus reassured her. She looked up at him then, a small smile on her face.

“I know, but thanks for the back up.”

“Always have your six, Shepard.”

He didn’t care if anyone saw them, and it seemed Shepard didn’t care either, because she didn’t pull away or tell him to stop. He bent down and pressed his forehead to hers. She returned the gesture.

Sighing, she pulled back and said, “I need to visit Thane. The doctors finished surgery, and I want to see how he’s doing. Meet up for dinner in the loft later?”

“Excellent,” Garrus replied with a smile, even more ashamed of his previous feelings of jealousy. Shepard wasn’t interested in Bailey or Thane. She definitely wasn’t interested in Kaidan. Garrus was a fool to doubt her, even for a second. “Gives me just enough time to do a calibrations check on the old girl.”

“Oh, I’ve got something you can calibrate later,” Shepard said, rising up on her toes and placing a kiss on his good mandible.

“I’ll hold you to that,” Garrus replied, reluctantly releasing his hold of her as she headed for the elevator.


	14. Time for Everyone Else

_{Mission Detail} Mesana: Distress Signal_

Garrus scrolled through the mission report that Shepard had just sent him. She had been up before him this morning. It was a rare occasion that he woke up in their bed alone, but the last few days had been stressful and busy. And just as he suspected, she had already been working.

Upon waking alone, Garrus had headed straight for the comfortable familiarity of the gun battery. He checked the time – 0748 hours. _Strange_ , he thought as he paused the algorithm he was testing. _She sent the mission report without asking me about it. She always talks things over with me before making assignments._

Due to the location of the Ardat-Yakshi monastery, Garrus figured they would arrive there the next morning. That would mean one whole day of nothing but time. Garrus had a plan for that time, but his hands shook slightly just at the thought of it.

He couldn’t remember a time he had ever been this nervous, but the thought of proposing to Commander Elizabeth Shepard made him feel anxious. What would she say? Would she laugh at him? Would she understand how deep his feelings were?

He knew she loved him, but did she love him _that_ much?

Being a crewmember on the Normandy meant business, but on days like today when the ship was traveling over vast distances, there was always downtime. Garrus had every intention of making that downtime count. A slow and steady build up to what he had planned the next time they docked on the Citadel, and thanks to Glyph and EDI’s help, he had a package that would be ready when they arrived.

He turned and left the gun battery behind, eager to find his love and spend the day of travel with her. Immediately, he headed for the CIC.

“Traynor,” he said, clearing his throat. “Have you seen the Commander?”

“No, Officer Vakarian, I’m afraid I haven’t. She hasn’t been on this deck since setting course for Mesana and that was before I woke up. You might check with Dr. T’Soni.”

Garrus took the elevator back to the crew deck, but as he entered Liara’s office, he heard Javik’s voice over the speaker.

_“Your primitive understanding of my culture is embarrassing. Do not attempt to contact me on this matter again.”_

“But Javik, I just wanted to know –“ Liara began, slamming her hand down on the desk in front of her when Javik closed the connection. “Dammit!” She saw Garrus just as she uttered her last word, pure frustration on her face.

“Yes?!” she said, still exasperated. Garrus could see that Shepard was not in Liara’s quarters, so he quickly replied, “I’m sorry, Liara. I will come back another time.”

“That would be a good idea.”

He turned and left. Garrus searched everywhere he could think of, looking for his girlfriend. He even had an awkward encounter with Kaidan in the observation deck. _I guess she decided to let him stay_ , Garrus thought with gritted teeth, knowing that the Normandy had left for its intended destination that morning and clearly Kaidan was going with them.

But Shepard was nowhere to be found.

_“You could simply ask me where she is, Officer Vakarian,”_ EDI’s voice taunted from the speakers.

“I think I can find my own girlfriend. Thank you, EDI,” he replied, his own tone echoing Liara’s impatience from earlier.

_“I am sorry to have bothered you.”_

Garrus sighed. “Just tell me, EDI. Dammit.”

_“Commander Shepard is in Life Support.”_

“Life Support?” Garrus muttered to himself.

_“Yes, she has been there all morning – since approximately 0530 hours.”_

“Thanks, EDI.”

_“Of course.”_

Garrus sped quickly toward the typically empty Life Support room, and sure enough, as the door slid open, there she was, sitting in a chair at the desk that Thane had occupied while meditating, holding a cold cup of coffee with both hands.

Garrus walked toward her. As he approached the table, Shepard looked up and gave him a weak smile.

“Hey there,” she said.

“Hey yourself,” he replied.

“You found me.”

“I had a little help.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be sneaky. Just wanted some time alone.”

“I can go if you want.” Garrus didn’t really want to go, but he understood if Shepard wanted to grieve in peace. However, he had a feeling she wouldn’t want him to go if her actions from only a few days before after Mordin’s death were any indication. He recalled with perfect clarity how he had held her and warmed her shivering body, humming and singing to her as she fell asleep in his arms.

He could have held her like that forever.

“No. Don’t go. I’m fine, really. I just…” She looked down at her coffee mug and breathed out heavily. “How many of our friends are going to die, Garrus?” She raised her head to look at him, eyes wet but holding back the tears that threatened to fall.

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

He had never heard her say something like that. Sure, she had doubted their success before, but never had she said that she was unable to keep going. When facing impossible odds, Shepard always pulled through, always put on the brave face even if deep down she thought they might fail.

She had been anxious and disheartened before, but she had never been on the verge of giving up.

This wasn’t simply a case of impossible odds. This was different. Her friends were dying. Friends. Plural. Not just one, but many.

And for the first time in a very long time, Garrus found himself at a loss for words, but he tried anyway. He had to say something.

“I don’t know, Lizzie. I really don’t know who else we will lose. But I do know one thing.” He pulled both her hands off the cold mug and forced her to stand and look at him. “Even if you don’t think you can do this, I know you can. And I will always be right behind you.”

Garrus knew that this mission was getting to her more than anything they had been through before, because she did something he had seen her do on very few occasions.

She cried.

It wasn’t loud and it wasn’t long. A few small tears found their way down her cheeks and dropped to the floor as she met his gaze. He tried to simply hold her up with his eyes, hoping she could understand how much he loved her.

She tried to lean in and curl up against him but pulled back with a small laugh as she wiped her eyes.

“Always wearing the fucking armor, Garrus. Will we ever get you out of that habit? It’s not very cuddly.”

“Old habits die hard from what I hear,” he whispered as he took off a glove and used his bare finger to wipe a warm tear from her chin. “And certain C-Sec officers turned vigilante and then advisor are especially hard to retrain.”

Her eyes were smiling when she looked up at him again. A shadow passed over the bright green irises staring back at him before she spoke again.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Garrus. You don’t need any new tricks. You’ve always been perfect. Just like this.”

She reached up and cupped his scarred cheek in her hand. Sighing, she said, “What time is it?”

“It’s about 0830.”

“Shit. I have so much to do today.”

Garrus didn’t like the sound of that. He had plans for today too, and they involved plenty of alone time with his girlfriend before they docked at their next destination.

“Like what?” he asked, attempting to hide his distress.

“For starters, I haven’t talked to Kaidan yet. I told him he could come with us, but that’s all I’ve said to him. I need to get that over with.” Although Garrus wasn’t particularly fond of Shepard spending time with Alenko, her face showed how much she hated the idea herself, so he relaxed a little.

“And then?”

“Then Allers wanted a private interview. Traynor said something about needing to speak with me as well. And the weirdest thing….little Jimmy asked to meet with me. He’s never much for talking, but apparently he has something to say.”

_So much for alone time with your favorite turian_ , Garrus thought, but he knew that being a possessive boyfriend was not what Shepard needed right now. He bit back his disappointment and, while trying to be suave, slipped an arm around Shepard’s waist, giving her the sexiest look he could muster and rousing the tone of voice he knew she loved.

“You are a busy girl. Can you squeeze some time for your boyfriend in that schedule somewhere, or should I make an appointment?”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and laughed. “Of course. I always have time for you, especially when you use _that_ voice. Dinner? The usual time? Usual place? I have some new ideas for dessert too.”

“You know how much I like dessert,” Garrus rumbled in her ear, relishing the way her grip tightened for a second before pulling away.

“I’ll see you tonight,” she called over her shoulder as she left him standing alone in Life Support.

The day passed slowly for Garrus as he looked forward to his evening date with Shepard while checking and rechecking his firing algorithms and cleaning his weapons over and over again. When the day cycle finally ended, he put away his work, left the battery, and grabbed dinner for both of them before heading up to the loft.

“They told me this was some kind of lasagna?” he said as the door slid open. “I hope I said that right. I’m not sure what that is, but everyone in the mess sounded excited about –“ Garrus stopped as he cleared the steps of the loft, Shepard’s dinner in one hand and his own dextro meal in the other.

Shepard was not alone.

She and Traynor were sitting around the coffee table, playing chess.

“Goddammit, Sam!” Shepard yelled with a smile. “Oh hey, Garrus!” She grinned at him briefly but then quickly turned back to the game.

“Another rematch?” Traynor said. “And you didn’t happen to grab two levo trays did you? Lasagna sounds fantastic.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t,” Garrus said, still frozen in place. He had left Shepard alone all day to go about her various “chores,” hoping she would at least make time for him to eat with her, like she usually did.

Like she had promised.

Apparently, he was mistaken.

“Oh, well that’s ok,” Shepard responded without looking up from the new set-up on the holographic chess board. “Just leave what you brought and Sam and I will share. You can stay and watch me kick her ass if you want.”

“In your dreams, Commander,” Traynor replied.

“Just you wait. I’ve got all night. I’m bound to win eventually.”

“Don’t make me laugh.”

Garrus placed the tray he brought for Shepard next to her on the couch.

“I guess I’ll see you later,” he said quietly.

“Yeah,” Shepard replied, finally looking back up at him without really seeing him. “I still have to meet with Vega. Shall I ping you when I’m done?”

“No,” he said, trying to hide his bitter feelings. _So much for some alone time_ , he thought. “I’ve got some firing algorithms to work out. I’ll be working late.”

Shepard actually looked a little disappointed after he made that remark, but the expression quickly faded as she turned back to the chess game.

“Ok. Just come up when you’re done, I guess.”

Garrus turned and headed for the elevator. He was trying not to be jealous. All of her crew loved her. He wasn’t the only one who wanted Shepard’s time. As he headed for the battery, he realized that what really bothered him was that somehow she had found time for everyone else today, even Kaidan, but not for him.

And none of them were trying to figure out how to propose to her.

How was he supposed to do that if he couldn’t get her alone?

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“Last time I held a command, I lost almost everyone. And they promoted me for it,” Vega explained. “I guess I’m just not sure if I’m ready to lead again. I’m not sure I want that responsibility.”

Shepard understood all too well how that felt.

“Have a seat, Vega. I’m gonna tell you something that not many people know about me. Maybe it will help you with your decision.” She motioned for the couch and sat opposite him in the chair by her desk.

“You ever hear how I got that damn Star of Terra?” she asked.

“Sure, Commander. Everyone knows that. Hell, I watched the vids. You were a hero.”

“There’s more to the story,” she said. Shepard watched Vega’s expression change as she spoke of her father – her first hero. She held back the pain in her voice as she related the story of Adam Shepard’s death. She told him how she wouldn’t have been able to hold off the batarians on her own.

“I rounded up the colonists because my dad told me to. He was the real hero. Not me.”

Vega didn’t speak, so Shepard continued.

“They pinned a medal on me. Hid the real story. No one cared about my dead father – all they cared about was the Shepard who had saved the colony, become a war hero, not the Shepard who died. But I never felt fit to lead. I always felt like I didn’t deserve the promotions and the fame. I probably would have died that day too if it hadn’t been for my dad.”

She stood up again and Vega stood with her. She smiled at the unconscious gesture of respect.

“But you know what? They were right. I became a leader. Maybe I was really a follower that day, but my dad’s sacrifice taught me something. We don’t give up when we face impossible odds. We’re soldiers. People look to us for protection, for courage, for strength. And when it really matters, we give it to them.”

She thought about her conversation with Garrus that morning, her heart leaping at the thought of her lover coming up to see her soon. _What would I do without your strength, Garrus?_ , she thought as she remembered how her favorite turian had pulled her out of her slump.

“You know, Lola, no one mentions your speeches on the vids,” Vega smiled, bringing her out of her own thoughts. “You are mighty long-winded sometimes.”

“Cut the crap, Vega. Did you hear anything I said?” she smirked.

“Hey, just because you talk a lot doesn’t mean I don’t listen.”

“Right. So, you mentioned this assignment before. What went wrong?”

The rest of the conversation went quickly. Vega told Shepard about his squad and the guilt he felt about the dead on his fateful mission. He seemed to feel better about the commission after their conversation and Shepard bid the newest N7 recruit goodnight with a smile.

When her lieutenant finally left, Shepard felt alone with her memories. Checking the time on her omni-tool, she saw that it was later than she thought. _2327? Where’s Garrus?_

“EDI, where’s my XO?” she said.

“Officer Vakarian is in the Main Battery. Should I alert him to your inquiry?”

“No, that’s all right. Thanks.”

She undressed and crawled into bed. Any minute, she expected her turian officer to come striding through the cabin doors and slip in with her.

Minutes passed. An hour. Two hours.

Even the fish were sleeping.

She knew she had been busy that day, but what the hell was Garrus doing? Why hadn’t he come to bed?

“EDI, is Garrus still in the battery?”

“Yes, Shepard. Again, would you like me to tell him to –“

“No, EDI.”

Heaven forbid she interrupt Garrus’s calibrations.

Shepard stared at the passing stars and cloud dust through the window above her. She shivered in the cold of her room alone. She usually had the warmth of a turian beside her.

Was he mad at her? He had seemed a little upset when she was busy over dinner. She thought he would understand. Losing Thane and Mordin in such a short span of time – well, it was almost too much for her. She had wanted to be busy today and her crew’s requests had kept her that way.

But as she stared out the window into the vastness of space, she realized she had neglected the one person who could truly fill the sadness in her heart.

_It would be unfair and selfish to just expect him to answer to my beckon call_ , she thought, turning over as she asked EDI to increase the temperature of the room to compensate for the empty space beside her. _He’ll come to bed eventually…_

But when her eyes flitted open to the sound of her alarm buzzing at 0630, she found the sheets on Garrus’s side of the bed undisturbed.


	15. A Life Beyond the Normandy

“You sleep well, Garrus?”

Shepard was standing by the weapon bench in the cargo hold when she heard Garrus’s distinctive steps exit the elevator behind her. Her tone had a bit more bite to it than she had intended, but she was angry. She wasn’t sure she had any interest in hiding that fact.

Garrus hadn’t come to bed last night. He hadn’t come up to her cabin to say good morning. He hadn’t even come up for a shower. She hadn’t seen him until they both were suited up and prepping to load into the Kodiak for the mission to the Ardat-Yakshi monastery.

“No, I didn’t sleep well at all. Nice of you to care,” he replied smartly as he reached for his own weapons.

“Oh, I care, Garrus,” she replied. “I care when my crew is unprepared for a ground mission because they didn’t sleep.”

“Don’t worry, _Commander_ ,” her turian XO responded. “I can handle whatever this place has in store for us.”

“Not sure if I believe that, _Vakarian_. It’s hard to be alert when you were up all night calibrating things.”

“I slept, _Shepard_. Maybe not well, but I did sleep. The old cot in the battery still suits me just fine. I’m thinking I’ll just stay there from now on.”

“Well, that’s a relief. Can’t have dual-toned snoring keeping everyone else awake in the crews’ quarters.”

“No, we wouldn’t want that. Then who would be awake enough to spend hours playing chess with the captain of the ship? That’s a very important job for our comm specialist. She needs all the sleep she can get to keep up with the great Commander Shepard. No one could function and entertain our mighty commander if they had a bad night’s sleep due to the turian XO’s snoring, could they?”

“I told you I had a busy day.”

“Didn’t think it would be so busy you couldn’t keep your promises.”

“In my cycle,” Javik joined in, his own annoyance adding to the situation, “we had similar rules against fraternization among crewmembers as your human Alliance does, Commander. This is _exactly_ the reason why.” Shepard had thought the prothean out of earshot from his position by Vega’s station. Apparently, she had been wrong.

She had a response, but she decided now was not the time to argue semantics and rhetoric with the patronizing prothean. Without a word, she motioned for her team to board the Kodiak and they set off.

Shepard didn’t like what she found as they entered the monastery. The complete blackness sent shivers down her spine as they moved forward in the dark. The eerie screams floating through the air did nothing to calm her nerves.

A clink of metal behind her made Shepard turn sharply.

“I heard something,” she whispered.

“That was me,” said Garrus. “Sorry.”

Shepard huffed and said, “Maybe if you’d had a better night’s sleep, you would be more alert.” She immediately regretted her remark when Garrus didn’t respond. The comment had sounded harsher than she meant it to be, but she shook it off and stepped further into the black. As they bypassed a broken door, light from outside filled the balcony in front of them. Shepard crept forward and looked over the railing.

“Very good. I almost didn’t hear you,” came a familiar voice from below.

“Samara?” Shepard asked, peering over the edge of the railing in front of her.

“And if the primitive turian and human had been able to contain themselves, you probably wouldn’t have heard us at all,” Javik taunted, crossing his arms.

“I don’t have the patience for your condescending bullshit today, Javik,” Shepard spit out the side of her mouth toward him.

“Will you send me back to the ship like a child, Shepard? Or will you stop acting like one yourself?” the prothean persisted.

Before she could reply, Samara broke into the conversation. “It has been some time, Shepard. You are a most welcome sight. The corruption here runs deep.”

Shepard rolled her shoulders and moved forward, forcing herself to focus on the mission. After exchanging a few pleasantries and discussing Samara’s presence at the monastery, a blood-curdling scream interrupted the conversation.

“We’re out of time,” Samara said as she headed further into the monastery. “We’ll meet again. I will draw these creatures off.”

“Wait!” Shepard cried. Turning to her team, she said, “Let’s go!”

But before they headed down to the next level of the monastery, something caught Shepard’s eye. Another asari commando lay dead just a few paces to the right with a datapad just beyond reach of the corpse’s hand. Hoping for clues as to what had happened, Shepard bent down and picked up the pad. An audio recording was available. Shepard hit play.

_“My name is Tashya Porae. I’m wounded. Bad. Give this to my bondmate, Weshra. Asked her to go to the Citadel. And tell Weshra I love her. Tell her…sorry we fought. I was an idiot.”_

As she listened to the painful confessions of the dead commando, Shepard’s heart softened. What a fool she was – bickering over something as stupid as Garrus spending the night in the battery. She was mad at him, but did he really deserve her anger? From their argument earlier, it was clear that all he had wanted was a bit of her time…and she had been too busy for him.

No. She couldn’t blame him for being upset with her as she recalled the disappointed look on his face when he had brought her dinner only to find her still playing chess with Sam. She really hadn’t meant to let the day get so far out of control. She thought staying busy would help ease the pain of her friends’ deaths. In a way, it did, but taking Garrus for granted definitely wasn’t worth it.

He didn’t ask her for much. Besides Sidonis, he really hadn’t asked her for anything. All he wanted from her was a bit of her time, and she had denied him that. In the end, she had denied _herself_ that privilege. Her friends were wonderful. Her crew was fantastic. But Garrus meant more to her than all of them, and she had mistreated him and assumed he would still come running to her.

_Never assume_ , her mother had always said. _It makes an ass out of “u” and “me”_.

Shepard definitely felt like an ass.

The recording wasn’t finished.

_“Didn’t mean any of it, Weshra. Want…want you to have everything of mine, okay? Love you. I love you so –“_

Shepard lowered her weapon and looked at Garrus who was simultaneously watching her. She couldn’t see through his damn helmet, but he had lowered his weapon as well, both of them dropping their guard at the sound of the dying asari’s voice, pleading for her lover to forgive her.

She turned to Javik who was leaning over the railing and looking out over the snowy, mountainous expanse beyond the large window.

“Javik,” she said. “Could you give us a moment?”

Standing up with a huff, Javik moved to the other end of the balcony. “This had better be quick, Commander. You waste precious time with your emotional weakness.”

When she was sure Javik was out of earshot, Shepard pulled off her helmet and took a tentative step toward Garrus.

“I’m sorry I didn’t make time for you yesterday.” She reached out timidly to touch his arm. “I should have. I don’t really know how the day got away from me.”

Garrus still stood stiff before her. “I don’t think it was too much to expect you to be able to make time for dinner with your _boyfriend_.” Shepard winced at the hurt still evident in Garrus’s voice.

“Like I said,” she attempted again. “I’m sorry. Fighting is stupid. So stupid. We could all die tomorrow. I don’t want what happened to this asari to happen to us – dying without a chance to say I love you. Because I do – love you, that is. I hope you know that.”

She stared into the glare of his helmet, her eyes pleading. She heard him let out a sigh as he reached up to release the seals on his own helmet, revealing his face to her as he pulled it off.

“I should have just talked to you instead of pouting in the battery all night,” he finally said with a sigh.

“You know, I still have those dessert plans if you’re up for it later.”

“Always ready for a challenge, you should know that. As long as you _really_ promise to hold up your end of the bargain this time.”

“Oh, I promise. There’s nothing I want more right now than to throw you on the –“

“Mmmm…I want to hear all about _that_ later, but Javik’s right. We’ve got work to do.” Garrus moved to replace his helmet, but just before he covered his eyes from view, he bent down and gave Shepard a quick kiss. “I love you, too, you know.”

She smiled before both of them secured their helmets in place and followed Javik deeper into the monastery.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

Shepard had kept her promise and had spent as much time with him as possible since the monastery mission, but Garrus would be a fool if he truly thought that he would be able to have the great Commander Shepard all to himself for an entire day in the middle of this war. His plans had to change. He had been hurt when she didn’t make time for him, but in all honesty, he hadn’t planned on sleeping in the battery that night. He had lost track of time, and between the late hour and the stressful day, he had simply dropped down in the cot leftover from his initial return to the Normandy – before he knew that Shepard wanted him to move into the captain’s quarters with her. He knew that if their roles were reversed and it was him waiting in bed for her, he would have been just as upset as she had been.

They had both been foolish.

Shepard had made an effort over the past two days to make it up to him. They had eaten every meal together no matter how many other members of the crew demanded her time. And each night, they had spent an hour just lying in each other’s arms, talking about anything but the war and Reapers.

He knew how busy Shepard was. She had been able to spend more time with him because the last two days had been unusual as they had traveled between missions with little to do besides prepare and avoid reading death toll reports. He knew she had a lot on her mind, but his earlier fears about proposing were starting to subside as he watched her set aside time for him despite everything else that was going on. She was proving to him that she was sorry and that he really was important to her, and he wasn’t missing the gesture.

And the more she showed him that he was an integral part of her life, the more courageous Garrus became – the more he started to believe that their rare turian-human relationship was something more than a dream or a filler for two battle-worn soldiers.

It was tangible and real.

His new plan involved a formal invitation – an official date, of sorts – the next time they docked at the Citadel. He gathered that would be fairly soon. Shepard was following a lead from Sam on some ex-Cerberus scientists, and she had mentioned that they had some more deliveries to make on the Citadel for the war effort before heading off to figure out what was going on with the quarians. Now Garrus just had to find a moment to ask her – a moment where he simultaneously found his courage and had her alone.

Garrus watched Shepard from the doorway of the medical station on Gellix where they had found the scientists under attack. A pleasant surprise had been the presence of Jacob Taylor who was resting and catching up with Shepard.

“What’s the story, Jacob?” Garrus heard Shepard ask. “Why are you working at a place like this?”

Garrus felt a little guilty for eavesdropping, but Shepard and Taylor weren’t exactly quiet and neither of them had asked him or Vega to leave them alone. Garrus took that as an “ok” to stand back and listen while he watched the scientists bustle around to save their research. He pretended to occupy himself with something on his omni-tool.

“After we got back…well, things look different when you come back from a suicide mission alive,” Jacob replied.

While he absent-mindedly scrolled through his recent messages, Garrus pondered Taylor’s statement. The few hours before passing through the Omega 4 Relay had been a game-changer for him – that was when he had found an entirely new motivation for living.

He hadn’t forgotten the euphoria after destroying the Collector Base either. The simple thrill he felt just by being alive, with his friends, and looking forward to more time with the woman he loved.

Things had looked different from that point on. Garrus had to agree, but he had missed part of the conversation while he reminisced. Shepard was speaking again.

“And what did all the fresh air and meditation teach you?”

“That what I choose to fight for better mean something to me,” Jacob replied, “that it comes from the heart.”

“We could sure use you,” Shepard said.

“It’s real tempting, Shepard, but I like where I’m at. I’m important to these people. I want a life. I want a family.”

“Sure. I get that.”

Garrus felt his mandibles flutter slightly. He got it, too.

“No, Shepard,” Jacob stated. “The Normandy’s your real love.”

He couldn’t help but turn to look at Shepard to see her reaction. Garrus could only see her from the back, but her posture had clearly stiffened. She didn’t like that comment from Jacob at all.

Her tone supported Garrus’s suspicions.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to say, ‘to hell with it,’ sometimes,” she said defensively.

“But you won’t. You can’t.”

Garrus had never been a great fan of Jacob Taylor. He liked him even less in this moment. In a way, Taylor’s words could be taken as a compliment – that Shepard was so duty-bound, she would always put the mission ahead of her own needs and wants. That she would do what was best for the galaxy while sacrificing her own desires.

While that was true and admirable, Garrus knew Shepard felt the other edge of the blade – that she would neglect those she cared about for the mission as well. That she would neglect herself and a chance at a normal life because it was expected of her.

He stopped listening as Shepard abruptly changed the subject back to business, but Garrus didn’t stop thinking about the exchange. He and Shepard had never really talked about the future, and unbeknownst to her, he was making grand plans to ask her to spend whatever future they had with him. But Jacob’s slightly thoughtless comments made Garrus wonder – was it really what she wanted? If they were able to win this war and come out in one piece, would she ever want to retire from the military life and have a real life? A family? Garrus thought she did. After all, _she_ was the one who brought up “turian-human babies” in the first place.

And what about him? Did he want that for himself?

Garrus tried to picture what civilian life would be like. Turian society was built around service – military service in particular. While he hadn’t served a full military term as most turians did, his time in C-Sec was a rough equivalent of it. Would he even know what to do with himself as a civilian?

Would Shepard?

What would they talk about? What would they do to spend time together? Would they even still enjoy each other’s company when they weren’t constantly running from mission to mission or gathering galactic resources to fight the worst enemy the combined races of the galaxy had ever known?

The conversation with Taylor seemed to be wrapping up. Garrus took the opportunity to look back at Shepard. She had turned more towards the door and was facing him now. He smiled as she looked up at him briefly, a similar expression on her own face as she moved towards the door, leaving Jacob behind on the med table where he sat.

She stopped and stood next to him in the doorway, watching the scientists going about their work hurriedly. But Garrus watched Shepard.

“You know, Garrus,” she said. “What these people wanted…a life that was more than being a tool for Cerberus…a life with their families…that’s what we’re fighting for, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. It is,” he said simply.

“Sometimes I forget,” she paused and looked up at him, “that we’re fighting for that for ourselves, too.” She studied his face as if looking for something in his features that would answer a question in her own mind.

“Isn’t it?” she asked, almost in a whisper.

Garrus was always amazed at how in sync their thought processes were sometimes.

A life beyond the Normandy.

_A life._

She wanted one. Garrus wanted one, too.

Quietly, he gave her one of his token answers. “Definitely.”


	16. For What It's Worth

“So the scientists that put you back together – that saved your life – they were good people.”

The doors to the crew’s quarters swung open in front of Garrus. He had been more efficient this time, asking EDI where Shepard was before going to find her. He hadn’t expected to find her having to defend herself to Kaidan again. But there she was, sitting at a table in the crew’s quarters while Kaidan paced, apparently still perplexed by the Cerberus dilemma.

 _It’s really not that difficult to understand, Kaidan_ , Garrus thought, but he heard Shepard’s patient reply.

“They were professionals. I didn’t know them all.”

Kaidan met Garrus’s eyes as he took a step into the room. The human turned to face the wall as Shepard turned to look at Garrus in the doorway. Her face lit up when she saw him.

“Hey, Garrus,” she said. Turning to Kaidan she added, “Give me just a second, Kaidan.”

Kaidan shrugged as Shepard stood up and walked toward him.

“I didn’t know you were in the middle of a deep conversation,” he smirked, jutting his head to Kaidan slightly.

“Some things haven’t changed,” she sighed as she reached for his hand. Garrus gripped her fingers in his own. “But I’m trying to make up for…well, you know –“

“Yeah, it’s ok. I’ll just catch up with you later.”

“I’ll come find you,” she said with a grateful smile before releasing his hand and turning back to defend her integrity to her colleague…again.

Garrus wasn’t upset with Shepard for being busy. She had made a sincere effort to spend more time with him. He was simply flustered because yet again, he had finally drummed up enough courage to ask her for some time alone when they hit the Citadel the next morning, and as had happened every other time he finally mustered enough nerve, Shepard was busy.

But the day was still early. There would be time to ask later. For now, Garrus was hungry.

He headed for the mess and scrounged the cupboards for some ration bars, anything he could find to fill his stomach. They were running low on supplies after completing two missions and jaunting all over the galaxy picking up random artifacts and alien crews for the war effort. The dextro rations on board were running thin.

“You know, Scars,” Garrus heard a familiar voice behind him as he stood up, a handful of ration bars in hand, “I haven’t quite been able to figure out why the Commander picked you as her XO. I mean, you guys are old friends, but I’ve seen you in action. You haven’t done anything I couldn’t do.”

Garrus turned slowly and studied the face of the marine in front of him. He relaxed when he saw that Vega was smiling, arms crossed in a taunting gesture across his chest as he leaned against the mess counter.

“Oh, I doubt that,” Garrus replied, his mandibles raised in a smirk. “You’re looking at the best damn sniper this galaxy has to offer.”

“I’ll give you the sniping skill. Because honestly, who really wants to stand back and pick off the easy targets while the real action is on the ground, up close and personal?”

Garrus sauntered toward the med bay window and leaned against the railing, opening his first ration bar and chewing slowly before he replied. “You sure you want to play this game?” he asked.

“What’s the matter, Vakarian. You chicken?” Vega said, his smile widening.

“I don’t even know what that is – though I’ve heard everything in the galaxy tastes like it.” Garrus took another unsatisfying bite of his ration bar. “But if you’re suggesting I’m scared – game on, Vega.”

“Age before wisdom.”

 _So that’s how it’s gonna go_ , Garrus thought. _That’s fine with me. I could use a good distraction._

“Okay,” he began. “Back in my C-Sec days, I busted a batarian spy ring that was trying to assassinate a councilor.”

“Please, I fought off a dozen angry batarians on Omega single-handedly. Used one of ‘em as a landing pad off a three-story jump.”

Garrus snorted. “Just warming up. Seeing what you had. Now. I tracked down this guy Saren. Stopped him from raising a geth army and unleashing the Reapers three years ago.” He was rewarded by raised eyebrows from Vega. Of course the human knew the story – everyone in the galaxy did – but by tying in Saren with his “just warming up” comment, he was letting Vega know he meant business.

Vega shook his head. “Doesn’t count. You did that with Shepard.”

As if on cue, Shepard emerged from around the corner by the crew’s quarters. Her conversation with Kaidan must have ended. Upon seeing Garrus, she smiled and started walking towards them. As she approached, Garrus said, “You’re right. I _was_ with Shepard. From the very beginning.”

She was close enough to hear and assumed a position next to Garrus, crossing her own arms and staring the two soldiers down.

“That just means you’re old,” Vega replied.

“What’s this all about?” she asked.

“Just trying to figure out what’s so special about Scars,” Vega replied, motioning towards Garrus who watched as Shepard raised her eyebrows at him, looking for an explanation.

“Just a friendly conversation, Shepard. Trading war stories,” he told her with a smile.

She snorted and relaxed against the railing next to him. “Well, by all means, gentlemen – please continue. This should be good.”

Garrus enjoyed the brief flash of nervousness that crossed Vega’s face. If there was anyone in the galaxy who could top either of them in a pissing contest, it was definitely Commander Elizabeth Shepard. And now she was going to listen in on theirs. Garrus knew that his relationship with Shepard gave him an unfair advantage – Shepard already respected him and Garrus felt no shame in front of her. Vega, on the other hand, was a young marine with a bit of hero worship for the woman now standing at Garrus’s side.

This day just got better and better.

The contest continued – Garrus and Vega attempting to one-up each other with every new story, every new tale of valor and heroism, or just plain guts.

After about ten minutes, a ping on Shepard’s omni-tool stole her attention. Out of the corner of his eye, Garrus watched the entertained smile that had been on her face fade.

“Everything ok?” he asked her when Vega finished his latest attempt.

“Yeah, just another report to read and apparently I have a bunch of messages waiting for me at my private terminal,” she bit her lip as she finished her sentence. But the worried look that had come over her disappeared when she raised her head to meet his concerned gaze. “I better go take care of these,” she said with a smile. “Too bad, this was extremely entertaining.”

Shepard winked at Vega and then she did something that surprised both of the competitors. She gripped Garrus’s arm, pulled him towards her gently, and while raised up on her tip toes, kissed him quickly on the unscarred side of his face.

Shepard had kissed him before – thousands of times now – but she had never kissed him openly with the crew surrounding them – and in the mess of all places.

She had never kissed him when one of her ground team members was directly watching them.

Garrus’s mandibles fluttered in embarrassed pleasure, the equivalent of a turian blush gracing his features. _Good thing no one here knows what that looks like_ , he thought. _No way we’re a whispered rumor on the ship anymore_.

But Garrus didn’t care if the Normandy knew about their relationship. Clearly, Shepard didn’t care either. He had never pressured her to go public, but as she smiled at him again, releasing his arm and turning to go, Garrus puffed his chest out with pride.

Without turning around, she waved a hand while she walked toward the elevator and called over her shoulder, “I think Garrus wins.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle as he turned to look at Vega, not missing a couple of the Alliance soldiers in the mess looking his way as well. One of them – Collins, maybe – gave him a thumbs-up.

Garrus smirked at Vega’s expression. If the human’s jaw could drop any further, he was afraid it wouldn’t reattach correctly.

“So, Vega,” Garrus drawled. “Where were we?”

“I think the Commander’s right, Scars,” Vega said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Nobody in the galaxy can top that.”

“Damn right,” Garrus said in a low voice as he watched Shepard’s hips disappear around the corner.

And in that moment, he resolved to do what he needed to do. The time was now.

Shepard had just made their relationship more than a secret – and he intended to make it official.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

Leaning back in her chair, Shepard ran her hands over her tired eyes with a sigh. Hackett had sent her more reports on the Crucible. News from the combined effort of the turians and krogan on Palaven was slowly coming in as well. She was heartened to see progress being made in isolated pockets of the galaxy where teams of combined Council forces were accomplishing missions and holding key locations, but just thinking about the massive scale of the effort she was helping lead was exhausting.

After letting out a deep breath, she leaned forward and placed her head in her arms, closing her eyes. She felt herself dozing off when a new ping on her terminal jolted her upright. Groaning, she looked at the screen to find that the new message was from Garrus.

 _Well, that is unexpected_ , she thought as she opened the email with a grin, _but also, totally what I need right now._

 

_From: Garrus Vakarian_

_Shepard: I thought next time we’re at the Citadel maybe we could take a break. Can’t fight a war without a little R &R once in awhile. I’ll be hanging around C-Sec near the shuttles if you’re interested._

_Garrus_

A smile found its way onto her face as she stretched in her chair. _We’re hitting the Citadel tomorrow, Big Guy_ , she grinned. _I can’t wait._

 

_From: Commander Shepard_

_Garrus: It’s a date._

_Lizzie_

_P.S. Get that sweet turian ass of yours up to my cabin soon. I’ll be waiting for you in the shower…_

 

The response was almost instant.

 

_From: Garrus Vakarian_

_AKA Garrus “Sweet Turian Ass” Vakarian._

_Be right up. Just finishing these calibrations._

_G_

She stood up from her terminal and started moving for the shower. It had been a long day, but it was almost over and soon Garrus would be with her. She ripped her shirt off and threw it on the floor, but just as she turned for the bathroom, another ping on her terminal caught her attention.

“What the hell. I’m so done for the d –“ she started to say, but stopped when she saw who the message was from.

 

_From: Cara Stern_

 

Her eyes widened as she read the first line of the message and sunk slowly into her seat as she read further.

 

_Elizabeth: It’s been a long time. I hope you remember me, and I hope it is alright that I address you as I used to. I know we haven’t spoken in many years, but you were very close to my son, Thad._

_I’m writing to you personally, because he asked me to. Thad’s father and I retired from military service after the Blitz. What happened to your father – well, it was hard on all of us. I’m not sure how your mother endured it, but Tim and I decided it was time for civilian life after that. Thad continued to serve faithfully, although his military achievements are nothing compared to yours. All of us who knew you as a child are very proud of you and I know Thad admired you greatly._

_That may sound strange to you. I know you and he had a…falling out. He told me what happened all those years ago on the Citadel, or at least bits and pieces of it. He has felt very sorry about that and carried a lot of regret for a long time, which brings me to the point of this message._

_Thad asked that if anything were to happen to him that I notify you directly and pass something along to you. I have attached a copy of a letter that he saved for you for years. He has never shared its contents with me, but it is for you to have. He was deployed to Benning to help with the war effort there, but we just received word that he was killed in action. I am following through with his wish that you receive the attached letter._

_I know that your past friendship with my son did not end well, but know that he always thought highly of you and regretted his actions. I hope you will think kindly of him in his passing._

_Best of luck to you, Commander. You have made the human race proud. I have no doubt that if anyone can save us from the Reapers, it is you._

_Cara Stern_

 

Shepard fell back into her seat and let out a deep breath. Thad Stern. That was a name she hadn’t thought about in a long time, and for good reason. Usually thoughts of Thad were unpleasant. She had recovered from the emotional effects of his infidelity long ago. She had been young, and young girls with broken hearts generally do grow up and move on. Elizabeth Shepard was no different in that regard.

But Thad didn’t just remind her of her first painful break up – Thad was the reason Shepard had ever met Garrus in the first place.

Now Thad was dead. He had been such an important person in her life through her teenage years. Her first boyfriend. Her first love. But ultimately, he was her first _friend_. He had treated her kindly and spent time with her even when other military kids shunned her and pointed fingers at the crazy biotic who could crack their bones as easily as they could crush an insect.

 

_“I heard you spend a lot of time down here.”_

_She spun around from the punching bag in front of her to find that boy from lunch watching her – the one who had actually sat across from her instead of leaving her to her usual lonely corner in the mess. He hadn’t spoken to her, but no one had ever sat near her before._

_Shepard shrugged._

_“People leave me alone down here. I like it,” she replied._

_“You don’t like people?” he asked with a smile._

_“I don’t like_ those _people. And they don’t like me, either.”_

_“You ever tried to like them?”_

_“Nope.”_

_“Me either.”_

_She didn’t expect that. If the way the other two girls her age on the cruiser whispered about him said anything, it was that this boy was the top pick of the litter at the moment._

_Although that didn’t say much. There were only a few teenagers on board._

_“What’s your name again?” he asked, shifting his weight._

_“Shepard,” she said._

_“No, your first name.”_

_“Not until you tell me yours.”_

_“Thaddeus Stern. But my friends call me Thad. You should, too.”_

_“Elizabeth,” she said, and for some reason, she blurted something else. “But you can call me Lizzie.”_

_He smiled at her then. She wasn’t sure what had made her tell him that. She blushed as she noticed he had a beautiful smile – perfect, straight, shining white teeth beneath his dark green eyes. She couldn’t help but smile back._

_“Nice to officially meet you, Lizzie. So you want to punch something other than that bag?” He took his shirt off and Shepard gawked. She was 14, but she wasn’t too young to appreciate the muscle-toned chest in front of her._

_Somehow she found her tongue._

_“I guess you haven’t heard anything about me yet,” she said with a half-smile._

_“Oh, I’ve heard,” Thad smiled back and moved toward the mats nearby. “I want to find out if you can live up to the reputation.” He turned back to see her punching something into her omni-tool. “You scared or what?”_

_“Just letting the doc know,” she began, “that you will be visiting her in the medbay later.”_

_He threw his head back and laughed as she joined him on the mats. Taking a step closer to her, he said in a low voice, “I think we’re gonna get along just fine, Lizzie Shepard.”_

He had been kind to her for a very long time – a friend when she had none. It was no wonder she had fallen in love with him. They had been inseparable for three years until Thad signed up for the Alliance. She’d seen him once since the unfortunate incident on the Citadel so many years ago. Reading over Cara Stern’s email again, Shepard thought maybe she had been too harsh at their surprise encounter on the Citadel while tracking Saren. She had embarrassed him in front of his friends and her entire crew.

The least she could do was read whatever it was that he had wanted to say to her for 13 years.

 

_Commander Shepard,_

_If you are reading this, then I’m gone and my mother has followed through with her promise. I know this is damn morbid and cliché, but I have spent the last decade and more of my life regretting what I did and longing for what could have been. You probably don’t think about me at all anymore, but I think about you all the time. No, I’m not a creeper…I just regret how things ended. You were more important to me than you will ever know, and I didn’t act like it._

_But I’m getting ahead of myself. I know we didn’t part well all those years ago, but since then, I’ve done a lot of thinking and there’s just so much to say. I don’t know if I will really be able to put into words all that I want to say. I’ve written and re-written this letter to you so many times. I just hope that you will take the time to read it and know that my words are heart-felt._

_First, I want to apologize. I know we were young and most people don’t marry their childhood sweethearts anyway, but sometimes I wonder if we could have lasted if I hadn’t been such a fucking tool. I thought that being young meant I should go out there and see what the world had to offer – experiencing everything for myself. I assumed you would always be there for me. What I didn’t realize in time was that I already had the best the galaxy had to offer…and I wasted it._

_Second, this may mean nothing to you, but I’m so honored and proud to have known you – to have been one of the few people you were close to at one point in your life. I’m not in the least surprised that you’ve become a hero. You were always brave and smart. Of course you would be a leader._

_Third, I’m sorry about your dad. That was hard on all of us. I know it must have been especially hard on you and your mom, not just because he was your dad, but because you were there. I know the news covered up the painful parts of the story, but those of us who knew your family knew the truth. I watched your pain from afar and I felt it for you. My heart ached to be with you at the funeral, but I assumed you didn’t want me there. From the way you reacted the last time I saw you that was probably a good choice but I just wanted you to know that some of us understood that medal you wore was probably nothing more than a painful reminder of the great man your father was. At the same time, though, I hope you know how much you are just like him. He would be so proud of you._

_Fourth…and this is the part where you might hate me, but I’m going to say it anyway…I still love you. I never stopped loving you. That may be hard to believe, but I wanted you to know, because it’s true. I was a fool. I was an idiot. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and what we could have had, but I know I lost my chance. If I could go back – but I can’t, so there’s no use thinking about it._

_I hope that you are happy. I don’t even know the half of what the Alliance and the Council have you doing these days. But I want you to know, that if I am dead, my dying thoughts were of you._

_You deserve all the happiness the galaxy has to offer. I hope you have found someone worthy of your love, as I wasn’t. The universe has never known someone as brave and strong and breathtakingly beautiful as you, Lizzie. Beautiful in so many ways…_

_For what it’s worth, I have always loved you._

_Thad_

 

Shepard read the letter over and over again, tears streaming down her face. She hated crying, but this war and the death of friends – old and new – were affecting her usual control over the natural reflex. No, she didn’t love Thad anymore. She hadn’t for a long time, and he was right – she didn’t think about him much at all. That didn’t mean that his words meant nothing to her.

Perhaps she should have been kinder to him the last time they met. Shepard shook her head.

 _Can’t think like that_ , she thought. _You can’t change the past. But I can remember Thad for being my friend when I had none instead of the way I have thought of him for so many years._

Wiping her face of tears, she typed a brief thank you to Thad’s mother for sending the letter.

After hitting send, she quietly whispered, “I forgive you, Thad.”

She smiled as she thought of her old friend, a weight lifted from her chest. If she had known how much of a burden her anger had been, she would have invoked the power of forgiveness long ago. She was glad that she could finally smile while she thought of Thad instead of thinking only about how he broke her heart. After all, they had had three years of good memories to compete with one bad memory.

Thad Stern – her first friend and love, now a hero and martyr in this war. It was better to remember him for the good times.

And even the bad times had led her to something better – in the end, Thad had led her to Garrus, and for that, Shepard would always be grateful.

On that thought, Shepard smiled and shed the rest of her clothes before turning back toward the shower. That turian of hers would be up soon, and she would be ready for him.


	17. Skeletons in the Closet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special delivery! 
> 
> Because the events of the next few chapters have been so anticipated, I am posting three chapters at once. 
> 
> Your patience with my love of angst will be rewarded. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy it!

“Hey, Lizzie. I’m here,” she heard Garrus say from outside her shower door.

“Good to know,” she called out. “Because I was totally expecting to hear someone else prancing around in my cabin while I’m still in the bathroom.”

“I do not prance.”

Shepard chuckled. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

She brushed out her tangled, damp hair and took one last look at herself in the mirror. She felt younger…renewed. Reading Thad’s letter had freed her of a burden she didn’t even know she had. She felt like a whole new person – a new person to match the fresh skin and unscarred face staring back at her.

Straightening out her tank top, she stepped out of the bathroom.

“If I had a credit for every time I find you in my cabin after I take a shower, I would be –“

She froze when she saw Garrus in front of her. He wasn’t looking at her. In fact, his back was turned to her. He was sitting in her chair, reading the message she forgot she left open on her private terminal.

Slowly, she moved to stand next to him, running her fingers over his shoulder, surprisingly covered only in his civvies.

“I think I remember him. Wasn’t he the one we encountered on the Citadel a couple years back?” Garrus said softly. Then, as if he noticed for the first time that she was standing next to him, he looked up at her, eyes widened. “Oh. If I shouldn’t have read this, I’m sorry. It was open on your screen and I –“

“Garrus, it’s ok.” She silenced him by bending down and placing a warm kiss on his mouth. “If I was worried about you reading it, I would have closed it down. I’ll admit that I didn’t plan on having you read it, but there’s nothing there that I’m embarrassed or upset for you to see.”

“Still,” he replied. “I should have asked first.”

He looked down at her hand still on his shoulder and gripped it with one of his own. To reassure him, she spun the chair to face her fully and looped her left leg over his hip, straddling him in his seat.

“Hmmmm….” He hummed with a grin as he began to run his fingers up and down her back. She gently stroked the back of his neck.

“Really, Garrus,” she whispered. “I’m not worried about it.”

“Was he the one in the club that night? It seems like so long ago now,” Garrus trailed off.

“Yeah. That was Thad.”

“I thought so.”

Shepard didn’t like the slightly anxious undertone to Garrus’s voice at his last sentence. They had been together long enough now that she was starting to be able to read his sub-tones – a skill that sometimes annoyed him but made Shepard feel more comfortable in their unusual cross-species relationship. She gripped his face with both her hands and made him look directly at her.

“Thad was my first boyfriend, Garrus. I was so young. You don’t need to worry about him now. I was 19 years old when we broke up.”

“What happened?”

She looked deeply into the blue eyes in front of her. She had so much to tell him. Was she really ready for him to know everything?

“He cheated on me,” she began. “We were supposed to meet up on the Citadel. Got a hotel room for the weekend and everything. I walked in to find him fucking some red-head.”

“Red-head?”

“She had bright red hair.”

“He’s an idiot. I like yours better.” Garrus smiled as he ran his talons through her hair and Shepard laughed.

“It hurt a lot at the time, but I got over it long ago.” _With a little help from you_ , she thought, but she kept silent.

“This letter…” Garrus said softly. “You sure you’re ok? Whether you were over him or not, it sounds like the two of you went way back.”

“We did. And it’s always sad to hear about friends dying, but I’m doing much better now that you’re here.” She grinned mischievously as she leaned in to nibble down the side of his neck. She felt Garrus’s hands tighten their grip on her back and pull her closer as she sucked gently on his leathery skin. “Besides, I would much rather talk about all the ways you could keep my mind off of people dying, Garrus ‘Sweet Turian Ass’ Vakarian. For instance, we could talk about what you have planned for this date tomorrow.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he grumbled as he tugged at the bottom of her tank top, separating them briefly so he could pull the flimsy cloth over her head. Shepard gasped as Garrus ran his tongue over her collarbone and used his hands to begin slow ministrations to her breasts.

“Well, don’t be upset, but I have other people to spend time with as well,” she groaned.

“And where do I fit into your busy schedule, Commander?” he whispered hotly against her ear.

“Last.”

“Last?!?” Garrus pulled back in mock dismay.

“We have this human expression,” Shepard said with a grin as she rubbed the seam of Garrus’s groin plates through his civvies. His eyes rolled back in his head as she continued, “Save the best for last.”

“At least it’s a true statement,” he grumbled as he nipped her ear.

She groaned and whispered his name as she fumbled with the clasps on the shoulders of his tunic. He raised his hands to help her. Shepard sat up to pay closer attention to her work, but as she opened her eyes and looked at Garrus, she saw Thad’s letter on the screen just beyond Garrus’s fringe.

She stopped. Garrus looked at her with a confused expression.

“Everything ok?” he asked.

“Yeah, I just…” She thought of Thad and his final words to her. He had apologized and with his apology, a flood of memories had rushed back to her. Over the last hour, she had forgiven Thad, but though she had forgiven him, the fact remained that his memory would always be inextricably tied to the turian in whose lap she sat.

Garrus was still staring at her when she looked back into those piercing blue eyes. In her mind’s eye, she thought back to the first time he had looked at her like that – standing in her underwear in a Citadel alley.

He had always been able to see right through her.

Finally, she said, “You know I love you, right?”

He was still giving her that look – the detective look, the look that said he was on the case and trying to put the pieces together.

Liara’s voice found its way into her head.

 

_“Maybe he can tell that you are holding back from him, just as you feel he is holding back from you. Trust goes both ways, my friend.”_

 

How was she ever going to tell him?

“Yes. And I love you, too,” Garrus said. “Are you sure you’re ok? This letter seems to have done so –“

“I’m fine, really. It’s just really important to me that you know how much you mean to me.”

“I see.”

She smiled and returned her attentions to his clasps. With a strange flash in his eyes, Garrus began to help her again. In a few seconds, his shirt joined hers on the floor. She shifted her weight in his lap to look at him more clearly, her best attempt at a seductive smile on her lips.

Shepard ran her fingers along the edge of Garrus’s cowl, feeling him lightly purr beneath her touch. He was still studying her, and she knew she had to say _something_.

“You have any old girlfriends or skeletons in the closet I should know about, Garrus?” she asked bluntly.

“I’ve had plenty of girlfriends, but I don’t know what you mean by ‘skeletons in the closet,’” he said tentatively, clearly unsure where she was going with this. Shepard wasn’t exactly sure where she was going with the conversation either.

“Plenty of girlfriends, huh?” she teased.

“What? And you didn’t?” he retorted.

She shrugged. “Nothing very serious, really. The night I caught Thad with red-head…well, it kind of changed the way I evaluated men. Very few ever lived up to expectations.”

_No one could compare to you_ , she thought, plying her fingers between his chest plates, relishing in the low humming sound he emitted as she did so while she avoided his steady gaze.

“Glad I passed the test,” he mumbled. “But you still haven’t explained what that has to do with skeletons.” She felt his hands still stroking her back absent-mindedly. This conversation was clearly distracting him.

“You know…” she coughed. “Things that might not be so um….glamorous or sexy for me to know about.” She tried to give him a teasing grin at the word “sexy,” but she could tell he wasn’t buying it.

“I thought you found everything about me sexy, Lizzie.”

“You’re still the cockiest bastard in the galaxy,” she giggled nervously and punched him lightly in the shoulder.

“It’s not cocky when it’s the truth,” Garrus grinned and gripped her hips, pulling her closer to him as he leaned back in the chair.

“But you didn’t answer my question,” Shepard said.

“Everyone has secrets, if that’s what you mean.”

“But you would tell me about them eventually if you had any secrets, right?” she asked, intending to make the question sound flirtatious and realizing after the words were already said that the question was much more awkward than she had intended. “I mean –“

But Garrus’s expression had changed drastically from investigative to surprise.

“Yes. I would definitely tell you anything about me that you need to know. But you can’t really tell someone everything about yourself all at once, can you? Relationships take time…”

Now Shepard was really concerned. Garrus looked just as nervous as she felt.

“Right, of course. I agree,” she said. “I mean…you can’t know everything about someone in an instant. It takes a long time to get to that point in a relationship.”

Garrus nodded, but his browplates were still pushed together in an uneasy furrow.

She had to change the subject.

“I just feel bad,” she said, trying to cover. “I should have told you about Thad a long time ago. I didn’t want you to find out like this. I was so young, Garrus. Young and naïve.”

It worked. Garrus’s expression softened significantly.

“I wasn’t worried, Lizzie. As Vega said earlier, we’re getting old. It would be stupid to think that either of us had remained single until now.”

“If I recall correctly,” Shepard said with a teasing grin. “Vega called _you_ old. He said nothing about me.”

“But I was only old because I have been with you for so long.”

“Oh, shut up and kiss me.”

Shepard let out a sigh of relief as Garrus’s warm arms wrapped around her and pulled her torso against him. He moaned into her mouth as she traced her fingers down his chest and gently kneaded his sensitive waist. Her breath hitched as she felt Garrus palm the space between her legs through her tight, black pants.

“Bed?” he asked, breathlessly.

“Mmm…have we had cross-species intercourse in this chair yet?” she asked as she trailed kisses to his mandible, sucking lightly.

“I don’t think so,” he shivered.

“Then off with the pants, Garrus. We have to test the sexual ergonomics of this chair. You know…for science.”

“Anything for science,” he growled.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

As usual, Garrus waited patiently for Shepard while she made rounds to spend time with her crew. The difference was that this time the rounds were on the Citadel.

Garrus knew that Shepard had several scheduled appointments with her fellow crewmembers. Although he wanted her all to himself, he had some errands to run as well, so he was grateful for the time he had alone to make sure everything was in order. The first stop he made was to rent a skycar for the day. He took the skycar to a secluded place above the Presidium and dropped off a rifle, some targets, and other various weapon supplies. Then he stopped at a sandwich shop that he knew sold dextro and levo friendly foods. His last stop before checking on his girlfriend’s status was the human boutique he had contacted over a week ago. His package was not quite ready yet, but the sales clerk assured him that it would be available in an hour. Annoyed, Garrus left the store. He had ordered that item over a week ago. How was it not ready yet?

After packing away his supplies into the back of the rented skycar, Garrus asked EDI if she knew where Shepard was.

_“Commander Shepard is at Apollo’s Café on the Presidium Commons,”_ EDI answered on the comm.

“Is she alone?” he asked.

“ _No. She is with Spectre Alenko.”_

“Did she make her other stops yet?” Garrus started walking toward a rapid transit hub.

“ _Yes. She visited with Javik and Liara and now she is enjoying a brief drink with Kaidan.”_

“Thanks, EDI.”

Garrus jumped into the first taxi that approached and drummed his fingers on his leg as the car sped toward the Commons hub. His stomach did flips each time he thought about what he was planning for the afternoon hours with Shepard. His conversation with Shepard the night before had done nothing to ease his mind, either. The message from Thad had been hard to read, but only because he was worried for Shepard. He knew she hadn’t cared for her childhood sweetheart for a long time, but receiving word of the death of an old friend was never easy.

The letter wasn’t what had bothered him. It was the conversation afterwards that kept playing over and over in his mind. _She knows I’m holding back from her_ , he thought as he recalled her questions about secrets and “skeletons in the closet.”

He nearly jogged down the stairs to the Commons after exiting the skycar, his speed propelled by his nervousness. As he rounded the corner, he saw her. Garrus used his visor to zoom in as much as possible. She was sitting back in her chair next to Kaidan, but the two comrades were maintaining their distance. He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but it appeared Kaidan did not look happy.

“Garrus Vakarian,” a familiar voice said to his right. “It’s been a long time.” Garrus turned to see General Septimus Oraka sitting on a bench just a few feet away. At the sound of his name, several heads in the vicinity turned and stared at him with what seemed like a small amount of awe. He shrugged the looks off uncomfortably. _He just_ had _to say my name that loudly_ , he thought, trying to hide his annoyance as the people who had gawked at his now famous name turned back to their business.

“General Oraka. Didn’t expect to find you here,” he replied as he took a step towards the older turian.

Oraka chuckled. “No, I suppose you didn’t. Why don’t you join me for a minute?”

“I’m afraid I’m on a schedule. I have to –“

“Bullshit, Vakarian. You’re here for Shepard. It doesn’t look like she’s going anywhere soon. Have a seat.”

Garrus’s eyes narrowed as he stared at Oraka. Admitting defeat, he slid onto the bench next to the retired general. The two turians sat in silence for several moments as Garrus watched Shepard from afar.

“You have made a fantastic choice. Shepard is exquisite,” Oraka finally broke the silence. His voice was soft and respectful, but Garrus was still surprised.

“I haven’t said anything about –“

“Vakarian,” Oraka sighed, clearly exasperated. “You can play it off as much as you want, but I know a lovesick turian when I see one. Although, I will admit that I’m enjoying the irony of this meeting.”

“How so?” Garrus said through gritted teeth.

“I believe the last time we met, your words for me were along the lines of, ‘This is pathetic. What could a woman do to put you in this state?’” The older turian huffed before continuing. “I suppose it’s my turn to ask you that question.”

Garrus’s mandibles twitched in embarrassment as he recalled the words he had said to Oraka when he and Shepard found him in a drunken stupor over the asari consort. On the other hand, he didn’t think he was in such a state that Oraka had any reason to mock him.

“I don’t really believe our respective situations are similar in the least,” he retorted.

“I suppose not,” Oraka said. “And truly, Shepard is a million times the woman Sha’ira is, so I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do.”

“And just how do you presume to know anything about me and Shepard?” Garrus turned to face the general.

“Even if I hadn’t wondered about the two of you for the last two years, it was obvious from the moment you arrived on the Commons. I saw you come down the stairs. Did you even notice that you almost ran three people over while you stared at her?”

Garrus cringed as he thought of the people he had brushed past on his way down. He had noticed, he just hadn’t cared. His mind had been elsewhere. Oraka was right, but Garrus didn’t want to admit that, so he stayed silent and turned back to watch Shepard.

“Are you concerned that she is interested in the second human Spectre? The man she is sitting with now?” Oraka asked.

“No,” Garrus replied curtly.

“So sure of yourself,” Oraka taunted. “Interesting. I don’t remember seeing her name on any official Hierarchy registrations. With how many tiers you have climbed recently, I would have expected to see that in the news, even with this war.”

“Nothing has been made official,” Garrus said quietly, his mind flashing back to the supplies and a particular package in the rented skycar near C-Sec. His stomach did a small flip as he thought of his plans for later.

“Hmmm, I see. Well, you should get moving on that.”

“I am,” Garrus blurted.

He closed his eyes briefly as he sat back, realizing what he had just revealed. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed about his relationship with Shepard. On the contrary – he wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but he didn’t know what she was going to say. He didn’t want anyone to know his plans for today, least of all Septimus Oraka. But in his nervous and disgruntled state, he had just revealed his intent.

Oraka laughed out loud, but not with malice. The general’s eyes glinted as he looked away from Garrus and over at Shepard. “Now it makes sense,” the older turian smiled. “That would explain your distraction today – let me guess – you are planning on making a move today? And you are waiting for Shepard to be finished with this man?”

Garrus didn’t reply. He stared straight ahead, watching Shepard’s head shake at something Kaidan said, her shoulder-length waves shimmering in the simulated sunlight. He didn’t notice that Oraka was watching him as his face softened, recalling how her hair felt between his fingers.

“This is a good thing,” Oraka continued, still smiling. “It is good for the leaders of our resistance against the Reapers to have something to live for – something for themselves. For what it’s worth, Vakarian, I hope she accepts you.”

There was no use hiding it now.

“Me, too,” he said quietly.

“Both of you are so young,” Oraka sighed. “I’m no fool. I know what most people say about me. That Sha’ira ruined me. That I lost myself in my love for an asari. But I learned much from love, whether it was returned or not. I’d like to help you if I can.”

“And how would you do that?” Garrus huffed.

“I can alert you when Shepard is finished and on the move. That way you don’t have to risk her seeing you when she leaves her current position.”

Garrus thought about that for a moment. He did need to run by the boutique again before meeting Shepard. The clerk had said his item would be finished in an hour, and the hour since that statement had almost passed. Getting away from the bustle of the Commons would also help him calm his nerves a bit before he did what he planned to do.

He stood up quickly, turning to shake Oraka’s hand, more for the onlookers than anything else.

“I would appreciate that, Oraka. Thank you.”

“My pleasure, Vakarian. Absolutely my pleasure. Best of luck.”

Garrus headed up the stairs again as the general sat back, one arm draped over the back of the bench. The older turian nodded at Garrus as he disappeared from sight.

He quickly returned to the boutique and was pleased to find that his purchase was ready. Garrus’s mandibles spread into a pleased grin when he opened the box containing his gift for Shepard.

_It’s perfect_ , he thought. He paid the clerk who gave him a knowing smile before bidding him a good day. Just as he exited the store, his omni-tool pinged with a message from Oraka.

 

_1448 SO: She’s on the move. The other human does not look happy. Good luck._

Butterflies suddenly invaded Garrus’s stomach as he read the words, but he quickly pushed them down. When he reached the skycar, he tucked his latest acquisition into the back seat and hastily returned to his planned meeting place. The turian C-Sec officer nearby gave him a nod as he leaned against the railing next to him.

_No turning back now_ , he thought as he saw Shepard approaching with a smile. _It’s time – time to tell her everything._


	18. Give Up Everything

“Figured it’s time to do something stupid just for the hell of it. Might be the last chance we ever get,” Garrus said upon exiting the sky car. Everything had gone well so far. The beating of his heart had subsided slightly as Shepard had joked comfortably about waking up next to him, unknowingly reassuring him about the already existing strength of their relationship.

“It’s incredible,” she said breathlessly as they looked over the Presidium. He looked over at her and smiled. _Incredible indeed_ , he thought as her hair blew softly around her face.

“Well, we’re not just here to enjoy the view.” Garrus turned and walked back toward the skycar, opening the door and rummaging in the back for one of his bags of supplies. He turned back around to see Shepard smiling at him, her arms crossed, weight balanced on one hip. “I did a little…research.”

“You and your research,” she teased as Garrus put down the bag and grabbed the item on top.

“Who knows when we will get another day like this one,” he said as he opened the blanket he had brought with both hands and laid it out on the metal surface below them. “Have a seat. I have brought what you humans call … a ‘picnic’?”

She giggled as she squatted on the blanket. “What would the general population think if they knew what a sappy romantic you are, Garrus?” But she smiled as he sat next to her. He reached inside the bag again and grabbed the lunches he had purchased earlier at the sandwich shop.

“This can be our little secret, Lizzie. Wouldn’t want people thinking I’ve gone soft.”

“Oh, believe me,” she replied her mouth partly full already. “I’m not letting anyone know. I’d have to beat off women from all over the galaxy with a stick if they knew what you were really like.” She swallowed and gave him a warm smile. Leaning over as he opened his own meal, she placed a soft kiss on the side of his face.

They talked and laughed and reminisced for well over a half an hour. Garrus wished this day could last forever. Shepard looked so beautiful – hair loose and blowing in the fake breeze, eyes light with laughter, smiling that smile she saved only for him.

Finally, the food was gone and Garrus found himself with Shepard leaning into him, her head on his shoulder – both of them staring in silence at the view.

“This is perfect, Garrus,” she said, barely above a whisper.

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope it would inspire a certain…mood,” Garrus replied. His heart resumed its earlier fast pace. _Now or never_ , he urged himself onward and stood up. Shepard followed his lead, and as he turned to face her, he continued, “It seemed like you needed time to…figure us out.” Garrus thought about their recent squabble and his night in the battery. That had really only been a week ago, but so much happened each day of their mission that it felt more like a month ago. He let out a deep breath and took a step toward her.

“Truth be told, I had to figure some things out as well,” Garrus said, rubbing the back of his neck with a  gloved hand. Shepard raised her eyebrows in surprise, but Garrus put up a hand to stop her from speaking.

He had to tell her. Now was the time.

“Please, Lizzie. I have something to explain.” He started to pace, his nerves getting the better of him. “I know that you have been able to tell there was something I wasn’t telling you. You were right.” He watched as her expression changed to one of concern. Garrus stopped pacing and reassured her. “There is nothing wrong, but there is so much you didn’t understand – don’t understand – about me, about my family, about the damn Turian Hierarchy.”

Garrus dropped his head and looked at his feet. His tongue was frozen. It was all coming out, but something was stopping him. Fear? Confusion? Nervousness?

Shepard must have sensed what was wrong. He saw her move toward him and felt her small hand on the scarred side of his face.

“Garrus?” she said. He looked up at her to find her smiling. “It’s ok. Whatever you have to tell me, I’m not going anywhere.” He reached up and gripped her hand with his own, pressing it harder against his mandible and leaning into her touch.

He decided to just spit it out. Letting go of her hand, he continued. Shepard assumed her listening pose and he resumed his pacing.

“Relationships are never simple in the Hierarchy. Everyone knows that our government is a meritocracy, but not everyone knows what that means. We have citizenship tiers. Through military service, political achievements, scientific advances, etc. we can move up through those tiers. But being born into an established, high-ranking family also gives our citizens certain advantages. Instead of starting from the very bottom tier, children automatically assume the tier of the lowest ranked parent.”

“Garrus,” Shepard interrupted. “I know all of this. I looked it up. But what does it have to do with us?”

“My family is very highly ranked,” he continued. “Both my parents held a rank only a few tiers below Primarch before I was even born. Their match was considered a very powerful combination. They were lucky that they loved each other first – their rank was simply an added benefit of their mutual affection for one another. But that is not always the case.”

Garrus stopped pacing and faced Shepard again. She was standing in what he called her “listening pose” – the pose she assumed when she was earnestly trying to pay attention and understand what a member of her crew was telling her. He met her eyes and took another deep breath.

“When a match is made and one of the partners is of a lower rank, the partner of higher rank either loses his or her rank and assumes the rank of the lower tiered partner, or has to make a case to the Primarch of that colony cluster, convincing the Primarch why he or she should not be stripped of his current rank and retain all the rights and privileges he or she had before.”

“Hold on –“ Shepard interrupted again. “When you use the word ‘partner’…that’s a more permanent form of relationship?”

Garrus nodded. “From what I have learned, you call it marriage.” Shepard’s eyes widened as she realized now what Garrus was talking about. He tried to read what was behind those eyes other than surprise, but he simply couldn’t tell. “The asari call each other bondmates. At a more primitive time of turian development, we called it something similar – even physically marked our partners with our teeth, but that time is long past. However, the more ‘politically evolved’ term has become ‘partner’ – implying equality in the relationship, not subservience or a primitive form of mating.”

She nodded for him to continue.

This was the hard part. Garrus swallowed and opened his mouth several times before the words came.

“I have wanted,” he said slowly, “for so long to ask you to be my partner. To stand beside me for the rest of our lives. I can think of no one else that could ever make me as happy as you do. But turians who...’marry’ as you would call it…below their rank risk losing much. Even more than that, turians who choose a non-turian partner are often stripped of all rank and title, losing the legal rights to their own property, let alone their family’s property and privileges. Asari have become more accepted among us, but humans…after the Relay 314 Incident…Let’s just say that I have not heard of any human-turian relationships, let alone one that was approved of by the Hierarchy.”

Garrus watched as Shepard’s shoulders drooped.

“I understand, Garrus,” she said, an overwhelming sadness taking over her voice. “You don’t have to tell me anymore. I would never want you to give up all that for m –“

Garrus took a quick step toward her and gripped her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. He shook his head strongly as he said, “No, no, Lizzie. That’s not what I mean at all. I would give up _everything_ to be with you. _Everything_ , do you hear me?”

Shock and wonder filled her eyes again, but she didn’t respond.

“I held back, because I wanted to have something to offer you,” he fumbled. “After Omega…I felt like such a failure. You said you loved me, but I couldn’t believe it. Why would you care for a failed C-Sec officer who couldn’t even see a traitor in his midst? My family….my family is a very old family and…we have quite a bit of property and wealth. The odd thing about turian culture is that by never joining with you officially in the registers of the Hierarchy, I could leave you everything I have with a simple legal contract rather than attempting to convince the Primarch to let me keep it and marry you. I thought that would at least let me feel worthy of you – the ability to leave you anything of value that I have to offer.”

He released her shoulders, surprised to find his hands shaking.

“But I was selfish – deep down, I think I was scared of what it would mean. I was scared you would reject me without something more to offer. But…this war has changed all of that. I don’t know what will happen…to either of us, but I do want you to know this, Lizzie Shepard.”

He reached for her with both hands, gripping both sides of her face and pulling her close to him.

“I love you. I will give up everything I have if I have to so that we can officially be partners forever.”

Garrus stepped back and released her. He wanted her answer to come from her heart, not from any coercion she might feel as he held her fast.

“Are you ready to be a one-turian kind of woman?”

Garrus could have melted from the look she gave him, but there was something besides warmth in her eyes. Something Garrus had been puzzled about for years – it was that look she gave him when he knew there was something she wanted to say, but didn’t.

Her voice cracked when she finally spoke, tears filling her eyes.

“I can’t, Garrus,” she said. “I can’t do this anymore.”

She placed her head in her hands and sobbed.

Garrus’s heart sank. That was definitely not the reaction he had hoped for. All his hopes…all his dreams…all aiming for this moment.

And now he felt his world falling apart around him.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

He was so perfect. Why did he have to be so fucking perfect? That was all he had been hiding from her? That he was afraid of losing his rank in the Hierarchy? And not only that, he didn’t even care about losing his rank for himself – he had stalled for her, thinking that she would care about that kind of thing.

Garrus Vakarian. Selfless. Just. Loyal. True.

Perfect.

She didn’t deserve him.

Shepard desperately wanted to say “yes!” and cover him with kisses, promising him they would never be apart. It was all she had wanted for thirteen years.

But when the moment came, she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t accept him and promise to be his under false pretenses. He didn’t know who she really was. He didn’t know who she had been.

He didn’t know _her_.

She had stalled long enough.

She looked up to find him staring at her, the hurt in his eyes nearly palpable. He opened his mouth a few times, but closed it again, apparently unable to speak.

“Garrus, I –“ she finally croaked.

“No, Shepard, it’s ok.” She cringed at the way he used her last name. “You don’t have to explain. I understand –“

“No! You don’t understand!” she shouted, surprised at the strength of her own voice, but she used that strength to continue. “You have no idea what is going on!”

He stopped and stared at her as if she had slapped him.

“You have no idea who I really am,” she said in a softer tone, her left eye finally overflowing, allowing a single tear to carve a path down her cheek.

“You’re right,” Garrus said quietly, his hands hanging loosely at his side, his face still pained. “I have no idea what is going on.”

Shepard felt her insides shaking. She saw nothing but Garrus’s piercing blue eyes looking at her, probing her for information. His mournful gaze spurned her onward – she couldn’t stand to have him look like that anymore.

And for the first time since meeting him, she wanted him to see her for who she really was.

She wanted him to really see _her_. All of her.

“I have known you for a very long time, Garrus Vakarian,” she began. Garrus nodded, but she shook her head in disagreement. “No, Garrus. I have known you even longer than you think.” He stared at her intently, his detective look from the night before returning. The memory of Thad’s letter forced another tear to find its way down her face as she continued.

“Thad Stern. You and Thad Stern have more of a connection than you know.” She felt her shoulders shaking as Garrus watched her with concern. She struggled to control her body. “I met Thad when I was fourteen years old. He was my friend – the first person my age to see past my biotics and see me as a person. I loved him with all the love a teenage girl can have. In my young naiveté, thought we would be together forever.”

Now Shepard was the one pacing. She felt her ears burning as Garrus’s eyes followed her from left to right and back again.

“When I was nineteen years old, I was supposed to meet up with Thad.”

“Lizzie…” Shepard looked up eagerly at Garrus as he used her nickname again, his expression was softer than before. She felt hope, but still…she had so much more to tell him.

“I know all this,” he said. “You told me about him last night. What does this have to do with us? That was so long ago…”

She shook her head. “Please, Garrus. Just let me finish. I didn’t tell you the whole story last night. There is so much more you deserve to know.”

Shepard resumed her pacing and took a deep breath. “I didn’t tell you where I was supposed to meet him. I was on leave – here, on the Citadel. Thad was, too. Almost thirteen years ago. What were you doing thirteen years ago, Garrus?”

He seemed surprised by her sudden question. “I was here,” he said slowly. “Working for C-Sec.”

She nodded. “I know.”

“Of course you do. I’ve told you that before.”

“No, I know because I saw you here. Thirteen years ago.”

Shepard noticed Garrus stand up straighter, but his browplates gathered together to form a sharp point above his nose. He still hadn’t figured it out, so she went on as Garrus crossed his arms, assuming the position he used when trying to solve a puzzle.

“Everything I told you last night was true…there is just more to it. I went to the suite Thad and I had reserved for the weekend. I found him with red-head and I left. I was so hurt and angry – I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like I had lost everything – Thad had been my world. Of course I had my dad, but he was just that….my dad, you know? Thad was my best friend. He was the person I thought I would spend my life with. I couldn’t see myself without him. I felt worthless and alone and pathetic. Ha…what would the galaxy say if it knew that the great Commander Shepard had ever been so weak?”

“Lizzie, stop, you don’t have to talk about this if you d –“

“Yes, I do, Garrus. I do, because you deserve to know the truth. I was lost without Thad, so where did I go? I went to the bar. I went to Flux, actually. You know it?”

Garrus’s mandibles twitched in recognition. Of course he knew Flux, but he didn’t respond.

“I sat alone at the bar. I drank myself into oblivion. I didn’t think anyone would notice a lonely human girl drowning herself in alcohol. But two people noticed me that night. One of them was a turian, and one of them was a human named Josiah.”

Suddenly, Garrus’s eyes flew wider than she had ever seen them. His hands dropped to his sides and he took a step back.

_He remembers…_ she thought. Even with everything, part of her had hoped that maybe he just didn’t remember her – maybe the night he saved her was so insignificant to him that he didn’t know or care what she was talking about. But clearly, Josiah’s name had triggered something in his mind.

_No turning back now_ , she cried silently, another tear trickling out of her eye.

“I was drunk. Josiah came on to me, and instead of acting rationally, I used a biotic throw on him. Plastered him against the window behind me. The whole club saw – including this turian I’d noticed watching me all night. He’d been in the corner, keeping an eye on me the entire time – even saw my horrible dancing. I don’t know why I caught his eye in the first place, but there he was…watching my six.”

She tried to smile at him when she used the familiar phrase, but Garrus’s expression didn’t change – his blue eyes penetrating through to her very soul.

“I left the club. I was so drunk, I had no control over my powers. I was unarmed and defenseless. I was weak and naïve and so, _so_ very stupid. Josiah and his friends followed me. I had embarrassed them, I guess. They attacked me in an alley. I don’t even want to think about what they might have done to me if the turian from Flux hadn’t followed me – if _you_ hadn’t followed me, Garrus.”

Her hands trembled as she struggled to find anything to do with them. In the end, she twisted them together in front of her, weaving her fingers in and out of each other, clearly trembling from head to toe.

_What the galaxy would think if they could see me now_ , she thought. _The great Commander Shepard…who kills Reapers, blows up Collector Bases…but trembles before the man she loves more than life itself._

“You saved me. All those years ago. Maybe Josiah wouldn’t have killed me. Maybe he would have just taken what he wanted from me and left me there – but is that any better? Who knows what he would have done. Luckily, I never had to find out, because even thirteen years ago, Garrus Vakarian had my six.”

She took a tentative step toward him but was still too scared to touch him.

“I didn’t get a chance to thank you. I didn’t even know your name until I stumbled into you after Eden Prime. I looked for you – God, did I look for you. Every fucking time I came to the Citadel, I looked for the mysterious turian with the piercing blue eyes who was so driven by a sense of justice and right that he protected a random, stupid, human girl. But I’m thanking you now.”

She was finally brave enough to reach out and cup the scarred side of his face. He didn’t recoil from her. He didn’t move or react – he simply watched her.

“You changed my life that day, Garrus. I resolved then to be more than who I was. I decided I didn’t need to be weak and depend on men to take care of me. I could be independent. I could be brave. I could be better than I had been – all because of your simple act of kindness.”

She dropped her hand, not wanting him to feel pressure with her hands on him.

“I have loved you since that day, Garrus Vakarian. And I always will. So now you know the truth – the real power behind Commander Elizabeth Shepard has always been Garrus Vakarian. There is no Shepard without Vakarian. I would not be who I am today if you had not already been who you were thirteen years ago. I have had two heroes in my life. The first was and is my father.”

She paused and relaxed her hands at her sides.

“The second is you.”

Garrus still hadn’t moved. His face revealed nothing – his expression stoic and still. They stood that way for several moments.

Then suddenly, without warning, Garrus jolted upright and spun around, turning his back to her.

Shepard couldn’t help the sob that escaped her lips as he walked towards the skycar, each clink of his armor causing her to flinch as he moved farther and farther away.


	19. My Favorite Spot on the Citadel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final installment for the night - three chapters in one night...whew! This writer is going to bed. Special thanks again to my friend NancyK for her patience and keeping up with my schedule as my beta.
> 
> Hopefully it was worth the wait. :) Thanks for reading!

It was over.

She had been afraid this might happen – the scenario playing in her mind over and over, but she had hoped Garrus would see past her weakness – that he would love her anyway.

Her heart ached more than she could have imagined, but at least he knew. It would have been wrong for him to bind himself to her when he didn’t know the truth – when he didn’t know how weak she had been and how she had worshipped him for so long without even knowing his name.

It was better this way.

It would be hard – unbelievably hard – to carry on, but the galaxy still needed saving and she would do her best. She would give her life if she had to and she would not have to worry about leaving a partner…a husband…behind.

She bent down and began to gather the remnants of the picnic Garrus had put together for them, sobbing silently as she folded the blanket, her tears staining the light material. Shepard looked down at her feet as she started to walk toward the skycar.

She dropped the blanket and almost fell over when Garrus spun back around and started walking toward her again, leaving the skycar behind. He had a strange look on his face – a look she recognized.

It was the look he gave her when he was about to do something unexpected.

Shepard was ready. She deserved this. He was going to yell at her. He was going to tell her what a fraud she was and how she didn’t deserve him in the first place.

And it would all be true.

She steeled herself for the verbal onslaught she was sure was coming.

He stopped just in front of her, one hand behind his back. Shepard wondered briefly what he was hiding, but her attention snapped to Garrus’s face when he started to speak.

“Your nose was different on the SR-1,” he said. Shepard almost laughed. That was the first thing he had to say?

“Yeah, I –“ she shook her head, unsure how to respond. “I didn’t escape the Blitz unscathed. They botched up my nose in reconstructive surgery. Miranda….fixed it, I guess. This is what my nose looked like when you met me…thirteen years ago.”

She shrugged, unable to meet Garrus’s gaze.

Shepard watched as Garrus raised his free hand and shivered as he traced the line where her scar used to be. He had taken off his gloves she realized, his warm finger slowly traveling from her left ear, across her nose, and up underneath her right eye.

“I remember,” he said so softly she almost didn’t hear him. Her gaze shifted as Garrus’s hidden hand appeared from behind his back. In it he held a small, blue box.

 Garrus cleared his throat. Shepard just stared at him, not sure what was happening.

“Today didn’t exactly go as I had planned…obviously,” Garrus continued and reached for her left hand. “Your life wasn’t the only one that changed that day, Lizzie. You changed me as well. I always wanted to do good – to help people. I thought I could do that in C-Sec. I learned quickly that I was wrong, but that day – the day that Josiah attacked you – I actually felt like I had done something good, something right. I never forgot you; in fact, you became the driving force in my life – my inspiration to never give up.”

Shepard gasped as before her eyes, Garrus dropped to one knee, still holding onto her hand.

“I, uh…I’m not sure I’m doing this right, but here goes,” he said. Shepard caught a slight waver in his voice. With his free hand, he held up the blue box before her and popped it open with one of his fingers. Shepard’s eyes shot open painfully wide when she saw what was inside. “Maybe I didn’t make myself clear earlier when I asked you to be a one-turian woman, or maybe your translator glitched, but I’m still looking for an answer.” He was smiling at her. “So, I’m going to say this the way I think humans say it.”

Shepard’s breath caught in her throat as Garrus continued. “Lizzie, will you marry me? Be my partner – my wife? Now that I know how all the pieces fit together, my life would be incomplete without you in it.”

The box held a ring. Not a diamond ring, but a ring with a single, blue stone.

A sapphire the color of Garrus’s markings.

“That does not look comfortable for you, Garrus,” she laughed nervously. She pulled him up off his knee.

“There’s a reason it’s a human custom, not a turian one,” he chuckled back. She gripped both his hands in hers, the small, blue box held by both of them. “So…do I get an answer?”

“The only thing that made leaving Earth bearable was knowing you were out there somewhere,” she said. “You have been a part of me for thirteen years.”

“I felt the same way,” Garrus replied. “The worst part about the galaxy going to hell would’ve been never getting to see you again.”

“Well, here I am.” She took a step closer to Garrus. “Exactly where I want to be.”

“So…is that a yes?” Garrus’s expression was confused. “You’re leaving me hanging here…”

“Yes! Of course yes!”

She grabbed the back of Garrus’s head and pulled him down to her, capturing his mouth with her own and kissing him hard and deep.

Pulling away reluctantly, she whispered, “I love you, Garrus Vakarian.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

His world finally made sense.

The pieces of the puzzle all fit. Garrus finally felt like there was some sort of order to the universe. Lizzie Shepard wasn’t just the savior of the galaxy – she was so much more. She was the human standing in her underwear by the ship – the reason he didn’t give in to the forces that told him doing good was impossible, a waste of time.

She would be his partner – his “wife” – his forever, no matter what happened to either of them.

“So…are you going to put on this ring?” he asked nervously. “I know it won’t fit well under your armor, but I read that this is a pretty standard human tradition.”

“Spirits, yes, I almost forgot! It’s beautiful.”

“It’s not a diamond,” he said regretfully, “I heard that was traditional as well.”

“This is so much better,” she smiled up at him as he slipped the ring over her finger. Garrus couldn’t describe what he felt as he watched Shepard – the woman who had pledged herself to him – examine the blue stone on her finger with the happiest expression he had ever seen on her face.

“I’m glad you like it,” he whispered.

“It’s perfect,” she said looking back at him. “Just like you.”

“Wow,” he finally whispered into her ear, her hair fluttering as he spoke. “The vids Joker gave me…well, they never got this far.”

Shepard pulled back and looked at him quizzically.

“There was the part about sleeping together, but this…I don’t exactly know what to d –“

Shepard cut off his last word with a kiss.

“Who needs a vid when you’ve got me?” she smirked.

He couldn’t resist her anymore. Garrus wrapped his hands around her waist and dipped her to the side. She giggled and held him by the shoulders as he kissed her again – long and slow – the distinctive salty sweet taste of Shepard’s mouth overpowering him.

Garrus didn’t know until this moment what true happiness felt like as he held Elizabeth Shepard in his arms, dreaming of their life together.

Now they just had to kill those pesky Reapers and get on with it.

He heard her say something, but at first it didn’t register. Garrus was so distracted by his happiness that he had to ask Shepard to repeat herself.

“Get in the car,” she said again.

Garrus didn’t argue. He simply did as he was directed by his commander. Shepard crawled in to the car next to him and leaned over, gripping his neck with her hand and kissing him again and again as Garrus found the willpower to close the skycar doors, deterring potential onlookers.

Before he knew it, Shepard had climbed over the middle console and was straddling him as he sat in the driver’s seat.

“Are we testing the sexual ergonomics of this car?” he gasped as she nibbled down his neck. “For science?”

“Not for science,” she gasped back.

“Then for what?”

“Just…for love.”

She pulled back and looked at him again, her cheeks flushed, her hair disheveled, her eyes bright and smiling.

Garrus had never seen her look so beautiful.

He tucked her hair behind her ears and pulled her shirt over her head.

“You know, Lizzie,” he grumbled as he leaned down and ran his tongue along her neck. “You were the first human I ever saw in her underwear.”

She groaned and laughed lightly. “Please, don’t remind me….I was so embarrassed about that.”

“I don’t have a human fetish,” Garrus said. “You’re the only human I’ve ever been attracted to, but I will admit that you peaked my curiosity that night…and now I can say I most definitely know what human skin feels like…”

“I’m about to peak something else,” Shepard growled as she fumbled with the clasps of his armor. For the next several minutes, both Garrus and Shepard shouted random expletives as they fumbled with each other’s clothes.

“Goddammit, why do you wear this armor everywhere!”

“The console is in the way, I can’t get this clasp.”

“Ouch, that doesn’t go that way!”

“Watch it, that’s my finger!”

But somehow, Garrus was relieved after a few minutes to find a delightfully naked Commander Elizabeth Shepard perched in his lap, his armor cast carelessly into the back seat.

“Where were we?” he asked as he ran his hands up and down Shepard’s naked torso, relishing the way she moaned beneath his touch. “Oh yeah, you were going to ‘peak something else’…”

“Damn right,” she said, reaching between them to grip his erection, still remarkably alert despite the fumbling in the car. She rubbed him slowly at first, and Garrus let his head fall back, enjoying the feeling of her hands on him. His hands began to wander, gripping her ass and kneading it softly with his own fingers. Shepard’s hands increased their pace on his length and Garrus’s hips bucked as he leaned forward, nestling his head in the crook of her neck, leaving small red marks where his teeth had been.

“I need you, Lizzie,” he said.

She didn’t respond, she simply raised herself up by placing her hands on the headrest behind him. Garrus’s hands moved to the nub between her legs, rubbing it in slow circles as Shepard settled down on top of him.

With the events of the past hour, Garrus almost lost control right there. But he managed to stop himself and watched with pleasure as Shepard’s breasts bounced in front of him, her hips sliding up and down as he enjoyed the view of his member disappearing in between the wet folds of Shepard’s sex.

He continued to rub Shepard’s clit as he leaned down, tracing small circles around the hard red crests in the center of her breasts with his tongue.

“Garrus…” she groaned as he felt her begin to tighten around him. Garrus wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out, especially when Shepard sucked hard on his good mandible, the sensation shooting through his jawline and up into the tips of his fringe. He moaned loudly when she used her hands to tease the soft skin of his neck and underneath his fringe.

“Please,” she whispered.

Garrus growled with pleasure and gripped her hips hard in his hands, bucking his hips with increased vigor and finding a steady rhythm. Shepard released his neck and put her hands above her, bracing herself against the ceiling  of the skycar. Garrus once again appreciated the view of Shepard’s breasts bouncing in time to his thrusts, her hard nipples tracing regular circles in the air before him.

“Lizzie…” he said as he felt himself losing all control.

She leaned down then, struggling to make contact with his forehead as she knew he loved to do when they both reached ecstasy. But despite Garrus’s frenzied pumping and the shaking of the skycar around them, their foreheads touched and Garrus found his release when Shepard whispered, “Come for me, Garrus. I have always wanted you.”

He screamed her name as his talons broke the skin around her hips. He felt Shepard clench and pulse around him, her own climax reached as they found fulfillment in each other’s arms.

As Garrus began to come down from his high, he realized that his joy was even more complete knowing that his Lizzie really knew him and he really knew her.

This was always meant to be.

Her damp and heaving chest collapsed against his, her arms wrapping round his neck as she buried her head inside his cowl. Garrus could feel her hot, panting breaths against his neck and he reached around her with his strong arms, pulling her as close as he could.

“Now, before we head back,” he said, pushing her head up to look at him and brushing a stray hair out of her face, “there is one thing we’re going to settle once and for all.”

“What’s that?” she asked, tracing the lines of his scars with her fingers as she sighed happily.

“I’m afraid it involves clothes and getting out of the skycar,” Garrus chuckled.

“That’s not happening,” Shepard teased.

“Well, it needs to happen at some point, if for no other reason than the fact that my spur is caught underneath the seat.”

That got her to jump up.

“Oh, I’m sorry!”

“It’s ok, Lizzie, I just need to move a little bit.”

“Careful, you’re pinching me with that clasp.”

“Yeah, well, I need you to climb back over so I can move my leg.”

“I’m working on it, Vakarian. Damn!”

After a few more awkward bumps and curses, Shepard had enough clothing on to open the door to the skycar, giving Garrus a little more room. All he could manage to get back on was his undersuit, but after stepping out of the car, he could quickly replace his armor. Once he was fully dressed, Shepard walked toward him and wrapped her arm around his waist, looking up at the cars flying overhead.

“If those people only knew that Commander Shepard and her turian XO just made mad passionate love in a skycar at the top of the Presidium,” she leaned her head against his shoulder and Garrus reciprocated by placing his own arm around her shoulders. They stood that way for several moments, enjoying the replicated sunset in the distance.

“So what’s this thing we have to settle?” Shepard finally asked, crossing her arms and looking at him. Garrus grinned at her and walked toward the last crate of supplies for their outing. He picked up the gun he had brought up earlier and turned to grin at his fiancée.

“Not saying you don’t know how to handle a gun. Just saying some of us know how to make it dance.” Garrus tossed her a weapon and continued, “So, let’s find out who’s really the best shot.”

She laughed out loud. “There are a few people in the galaxy who have seen me in action, Garrus. They seemed impressed.”

“Yeah, but I’ve actually seen you dance, Shepard.” Garrus thought back to that night thirteen years ago. He _had_ seen Shepard dance – with reckless and wild abandon. She was terrible, and Garrus smiled as her mouth formed a small “o” when she clearly remembered the same thing. “No comment,” he concluded.

“All right, Vakarian, you’re going down.”

The contest was on. They traded off a few shots, neither of them missing. Garrus couldn’t remember another time he had had good, clean fun. And there was no one he would rather spend time with than the woman in front of him, the sharp glint in her eye one of mirth and pure happiness.

“Step aside,” she said after he landed a flawless shot. Garrus grabbed another target and threw it as hard as he could.

Shepard fired.

And missed.

He stepped back triumphantly and shouted, “I’m Garrus Vakarian, and this is now my favorite spot on the Citadel.”

“It’s windy up here,” she retorted.

“There, there,” he said as he sauntered next to her, placing his hand on her waist. “I know there are…other things you’re good at.”

He nuzzled her neck softly as she leaned into him. “And beating you in a shooting contest is only _one_ of the reasons this is now my favorite spot on the Citadel.”


	20. The Right Guy

“And then I said, ‘I believe your exact words were “Get that thing the hell off my men.”’”

“Yeah, yeah, Scars. How many times are we gonna hear that story?” Vega smirked as he took another swig of his beer.

Garrus grinned back at him. “You got a better one?”

“Plenty. But for now, queens full of aces. Top _that_ , Vakarian.”

Joker was the first to speak up. “That’s all you’ve got, Vega? That’s pathetic. Getting beat by the cripple… straight flush.” He laid his cards out with a Cheshire grin. Garrus couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped at Joker’s self-satisfied smirk as the pilot sat back in the chair next to him.

“Put ‘em up, Vakarian,” Donnelly piped in. “It should be interesting to see what the newbie is packing.”

“It got Shepard’s attention,” Joker said. “Should be impressive.”

“Shit, Legs,” Vega put his head in his hands at the table. “Don’t fucking say stuff like that.”

“What?!” Joker protested. “We’re all thinkin’ it.”

“Just because we’re thinking it, doesn’t mean we talk about it.”

“I need to get out of Engineering more often,” Donnelly laughed. “Gabby’s always on my case about talking like this.”

“Seriously? That’s creepy dude," Joker said, but then his expression changed. "Do you and Gabby have regular conversations about Garrus’s di –“

“Flush,” Garrus interrupted, not liking the turn of the conversation. “Royal. I believe the pot is mine.”

A collective groan was heard around the table as Garrus reached for the pile of credits, watches, rings, and…was that a toothpick?

“I call Beginner’s Luck,” Vega piped up as he drank the rest of his beer in a single draught.

“We played seven games, Jimmy. I’m hardly a beginner now,” Garrus huffed as he reached for another beer.

“It’s not Beginner’s Luck,” Joker said. “We’re letting him win. Right, Donnelly?” The pilot nudged the engineer to his right with his elbow, startling the man who was still staring, open-mouthed, at the collection of money and items Garrus had just acquired.

“Oh, right. Of course.” Donnelly nodded.

“And why are you _letting_ me win?” Garrus snorted.

“’Cause this is _your_ party, buddy, that’s why!” Joker slapped Garrus on the shoulder, almost making him choke on his beer.

“This wasn’t a party,” Vega sulked. “This was a massacre. Looks like you got the hang of one human tradition with the size of that stone you got for Lola, but when it gets closer to time, we’ll show you what a _real_ party looks like.”

“Sorry I missed it,” said a new voice by the door to the lounge. All four of the faces at the poker table swung in unison to see Kaidan standing by the door, arms crossed, a grin on his face. “What’s the occasion?”

“Haven’t you heard? Scars finally grew some cajones and popped the question to the Commander,” Vega spouted. Garrus attempted not to wince as Kaidan’s smile fell. “No time for a proper bachelor party now, but when they actually tie the turian knot or whatever, don’t worry, you’ll be invited.”

“Really, Kaidan,” Garrus cleared his throat to stop Vega’s drunken babbling. “It was just a friendly game of poker. The guys were teaching me how to play.”

“Hmmph…Doesn’t look like you needed much instruction,” Kaidan scoffed, motioning at the pile of winnings in front of Garrus.

“Oh that?” Garrus replied. “Beginner’s Luck, they said.”

“Sure. I get that. You have some Beginner’s Luck with everything, Garrus. You always win, don’t you?” Kaidan turned his back on the table and headed for the bar, pouring himself a drink and sitting down with a sigh.

Vega turned and raised his shoulders at Garrus with a confused expression.

“What did I do?” he whispered.

“For starters,” Joker said as he stood up. “You just blew the lid on one of the best kept secrets in the galaxy. Not only that, you spilled it to one of the few people in the galaxy besides our turian XO here who has seen if Shepard’s curtains match the carpet. To top it all off, you stole my beer.”

“That’s all?” Vega said as he followed Joker’s lead. “Sounds like I was just getting started.”

“So, Garrus, do they?” Joker said as he hobbled around the table.

“Do they what?”

“Match?”

“Legs,” Vega interrupted. “I really do _not_ want to know.” The hulking marine pushed his chair back under the table and cocked his head to the side. “Well, maybe I do _want_ to know, but…if the answer comes from Scars – yeah…mental image ruined.”

“Thanks for the evening, gentlemen,” Garrus said while remaining seated. “But perhaps you could leave me some time alone with the Major.”

“You sure he wants to talk to you, Garrus?” Donnelly said as he walked past. “He doesn’t seem to be in a very receptive mood.”

Garrus shrugged and Donnelly nodded back at him as he ducked out of the lounge. The Normandy’s XO sighed as he grabbed his beer and headed for the opposite end of the lounge, nabbing the seat next to Kaidan. The two men sat drinking in silence for several minutes. Garrus wasn’t sure what to say. He wasn’t even sure that Kaidan would want to talk to him, but he thought there was a chance Kaidan wanted to say something – if he really didn’t want to see or speak with Garrus, he could have exited the lounge after pouring himself a drink. Instead he had stayed and sat morosely at the bar alone.

He found out he was right when Kaidan finally spoke.

“I owe you an apology, Garrus,” he said.

Garrus raised his eyebrow plates in surprise. “You don’t owe me anything, Kaidan.”

“Yeah. I do,” Kaidan said, taking a drink and shaking his head at the taste. “I owe you a few apologies actually.”

Garrus didn’t reply. Kaidan took a few deep breaths as if he were trying to drum up the courage to say something, but each time, he changed his mind and remained silent. Garrus decided to help him out and break the ice.

“I owe you an apology, too, I guess,” he said.

Kaidan looked at him askew and huffed. “For what?”

“I almost shot you,” he replied, staring straight ahead.

“With Udina?”

“Yeah. Shepard stopped me.”

“I probably deserved it. Maybe she should have let you.”

 _Wow, he’s depressing_ , Garrus thought, taking another swig of his beer. He was disappointed to find the bottle empty, but didn’t want to open another. With the way this conversation was going, Garrus was afraid he would need to have some semblance of wits about him.

“Well, I still thought about it,” Garrus continued. “I figure whatever you have done can’t be as bad as almost shooting you.”

“Depends on your definition of bad, I guess,” Kaidan said.

“Look, Kaidan. You really don’t need to apologize for anything. I’d like it if we could just –“

“I tried to take Shepard from you,” Kaidan interrupted abruptly.

Garrus’s mandibles flicked in surprise. _What the hell does that mean?_ , he thought, but Kaidan soon filled in the blanks.

“I took her out for a drink on the Citadel the other day,” Kaidan continued. “I thought that maybe if I apologized to her for being an idiot on Horizon – if I told her that I was wrong, if I showed her that I trusted her, that maybe…” Kaidan sighed, long and deep. “Maybe she would forgive me and all of this would have just been a nightmare. That she really did love me after all and….I was such a fool.”

Garrus knew it would only make it worse if he told Kaidan that he already knew about meeting Shepard on the Citadel. He had no intention of telling the Major that he hadn’t been worried about the date in the slightest. Kaidan’s voice sounded too dejected and Garrus was sure that bit of knowledge would only make him feel worse, not better.

“So I owe you an apology, Garrus, because I tried to win her over even though I knew the two of you were together. I’ve never really done anything that desperate for a woman before, but Shepard…she’s….shit, there’s nobody like her in the whole damn galaxy.”

“Well, we can agree on that,” Garrus said quietly. He wasn’t even upset with Kaidan. This was a time to repair wounds and restore friendship between old comrades.

“You remember the time on the SR-1 when I was working on top of the Mako doing some repairs and you were talking to Ash when I dropped one of my tools down below? You ran over and grabbed it for me, so I didn’t have to untangle myself from the console wires and paneling I was holding above?” Garrus asked.

“Yeah, I remember. Ash made fun of me for being your little helper,” Kaidan smiled.

“Did I ever tell you what she said after you left?”

“No.”

“She came over to me as soon as the elevator doors closed behind you and said, I quote, ‘How much would I have to pay you to drop tools every time the LT comes down here so I can get a view of that perfect ass?’”

“Why the hell are you telling me this, Garrus?”

“Because,” Garrus replied, “Shepard is one of a kind. There’s no doubt about that, but the scuttlebutt on the ship since the SR-1 is that you’re a good-looking guy yourself. And very respected. Second human Spectre in the galaxy. That’s a big deal.”

“Second.”

“Well, there is that. But still, not bad.”

“I guess.”

This obviously wasn’t helping the man, so Garrus tried another tactic. “Just – don’t sell yourself short, Kaidan. You may not have been the right guy for Shepard, but that doesn’t mean you’re not the right guy for _someone_.”

“You’re kind of horrible at pep talks, Garrus.”

“Hmmm…so I guess I don’t win _everything_.”

“I guess not.” Kaidan put down his glass and tossed Garrus a grateful smile. “I appreciate the gesture, though. I hope you can manage to work with me. Fighting the Reapers with Shepard – well, let’s just say it’s the only thing I want to be doing right now, and not just because it’s Shepard in charge.”

Garrus nodded. “I get that.” The two soldiers sat in silence again. Just when Garrus had hit the point of feeling uncomfortable, Kaidan spoke again.

“You know, Garrus, I _am_ happy for you two. Especially for Shepard, no offense. She deserves some happiness. I may have been blind on the SR-1 about her feelings for you, but if I’m honest with myself, it was always obvious. You make her happy, and that’s a good thing.”

“I try,” Garrus replied. “But speaking of making the Commander happy, we both should get some rest before we reach the quarians tomorrow.”

Kaidan got up from his chair and tossed Garrus a flat grin. “Maybe we’ll see Tali. She would be a welcome sight.”

The two men moved for the door in silence. As the door swung open, Kaidan tossed Garrus another grin, this one more believable.

“By the way, I wouldn’t let Joker be in charge of the preparations for your bachelor party,” he said.

“Why not?” Garrus asked.

“Well…not unless you’re into strippers of every race featured in Fornax in the last decade.”

“There are strippers at these things?”

“Usually.”

“Point taken. Glad you’re on my side, Kaidan.”

The Major’s face softened as he said, “It’s good to be back.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

_“You sure you don’t want to go? It could be fun.”_

_Lizzie looked over her shoulder at her dad standing in the doorway of her bedroom. She put down the datapad she had in her hand and sighed._

_“I’m sure I don’t want to go.”_

_“All right. I just promised your mother I’d double check with you. I won’t push you about it again.”_

_“Why the fuck does she care if I go to this stupid dance anyway?” She threw the blanket off her lap and went to look out the window. The bustling skycars of the Citadel flew past, all with important places to go, while she sat reading in her bedroom, her dad pestering her about going to prom, of all things. She knew that was the whole purpose of this leave, even if her parents said otherwise. They had come to the Citadel so she could have a real high school graduation and go to prom – even though she wanted nothing to do with either._

_“Elizabeth. Please. Don’t use that language.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Your mother doesn’t like it.”_

_“My mother doesn’t like anything about me.”_

_Adam Shepard was silent at that. She could feel him still watching her from the doorway, but she didn’t turn around. What she wouldn’t give at that moment to be off this stupid glorified space station and on Benning – where Thad was on his first assignment._

_75 more days. 75 more nights. Then she could enlist and be one step closer to being with him. Fraternization rules be damned – they would find a way, just like her mom and dad had done._

_Lizzie turned around to find her father gone. Sighing, she returned to her seat, pulled up her blanket and the datapad and returned to her reading._

_“Elizabeth? Can we talk for a moment?”_

_She rolled her eyes at the sound of her mother’s voice. “What do you want, Mom?”_

_Hannah Shepard came down the few steps to the couch where Lizzie sat. “Mind if I sit by you?”_

_“Be my guest,” Lizzie said, not even attempting to hide the sarcasm in her voice._

_Her mother sat next to her and smoothed out the wrinkles of her Alliance uniform, legs primly pressed together, ankles crossed, posture perfectly upright. Lizzie instinctively hunched her shoulders._

_“Is there a particular reason you don’t want to go to this dance tonight?” her mother asked, using a soft voice._

_“Mom – seriously – why do you want me to go so badly? It’s just a dance!”_

_“I know, dear, I just worry about you,” her mother replied, real concern in her voice._

_“What is there to worry about? I have top grades. I beat everyone in combat training and pre-military skills to boot. I don’t care about graduating from high school and I don’t care about this antiquated custom. The only good thing about graduating is that I’m closer to enlisting. Why would I want to spend three hours with people I don’t know and who don’t know me? Also – I’m absolutely horrible at dancing.”_

_“Have you heard from Thad recently?”_

_That was a question she hadn’t expected from her mother. The older woman wasn’t a great fan of Lizzie’s boyfriend of three years._

_“Yes. Why?”_

_“You’re just so young…so young to have tied yourself down to one person. I don’t want you to get hu –“_

_“Is that what this is about? You want me to go to this idiotic social gathering in the hopes I’ll dump my boyfriend?”_

_“Well, not exactly, but –“_

_“Jesus, Mom. You’re unbelievable. How is it that Dad ever fell in love with you? You are two_ completely _different people.”_

_Her mother was silent for several moments, but she didn’t leave. Lizzie fidgeted in the uncomfortable quiet._

_“I love your father,” Hannah Shepard finally said. “I love him more than I can explain, Elizabeth. You may find our relationship strange, but it works for us. I don’t feel that I should have to explain myself to you, but you are old enough now that I want you to understand how a_ real _relationship works.”_

 _Lizzie resisted the urge to roll her eyes at her mother again. She had expected Hannah to get up and leave after her abrasive remark. It was rare that her mom would stay and talk with her about something other than what she was doing wrong. She still felt the urge to lash out when her mother implied she didn’t understand_ real _relationships, but this was still her mother – she could afford her enough respect to say what it was she wanted to say._

_“You are right that your father and I are very different. But we are similar enough that we make it work. Love isn’t always about what is the same between two people. Often, it’s about what is different, because you always need someone to complement you – someone who is strong where you are weak. Someone who can hold you up when times are rough.”_

_Her mother took a deep breath and paused, but Lizzie was taken aback. It had been a long time since her mother had actually said so much to her. While she watched, she noticed her mother’s gaze had shifted to the ring she wore on her left hand. Hannah Shepard smiled lovingly as she looked at the small solitaire adorning her finger. Her mother never took the ring off her finger when they were on leave. And even when they were on the ship or on a mission, she knew that her wedding ring hung from the same chain as her dog tags – always close to her heart._

_She knew that Hannah Shepard desperately loved Adam Shepard. That was never a question. The question for Lizzie was always why Adam Shepard loved Hannah. That was something she never quite understood, but as she listened to her mother wax poetic about strengths and weaknesses, for the first time in her life, their relationship made at least a little sense._

_Only a little._

_“You are very much like your father,” Hannah Shepard smiled. “So you and I are very opposite, I suppose. I just want you to be happy, Lizzie. I hope that someday you can find someone as wonderful as your father. And it very well may be that Thad could be him, but like I said earlier – you are very young. It might be a good idea if you…branched out a bit?”_

_Lizzie still bit her tongue, again confused by this conversation. Very rarely did her mother call her “Lizzie.” That was the name her father called her. The name Thad called her. Her mother was never that gentle with her._

_“Just…think about going to the dance, would you, please? For me?”_

_She met her mother’s gaze again. Strong blue eyes meeting her bright green orbs._

_“I’ll – take it under advisement,” she responded, managing a smile._

_“Thank you, dear,” Hannah said, standing up and kissing her daughter lightly on the forehead. “You never know – you might actually have a good time.”_

_When her mother’s back was turned, Lizzie finally let herself roll her eyes. Luckily, she was finished by the time her mother turned back around in the doorway for one last piece of wisdom._

_“Oh, and sweetheart, if you do decide to go…we got you a new dress. It’s in your closet.”_

_“Resorting to bribery now?” Lizzie responded, but she couldn’t help the smile that crept over her face._

_“If it works.”_

_“Maybe we’re more alike than you think, Mom,” she replied with a grin as she walked to the closet._

It was absolutely beautiful. Pure, clear, blue.

Reports were finished. Course was set. They would meet up with the quarians in the morning. For now, the mission was taken care of.

And Shepard was lying on her bed, staring at the ring on her finger.

She felt a little foolish. The great Commander Shepard ogling over her engagement ring. From a turian.

But there was truth to what her mother said all those years ago. She and Garrus had a lot in common, but they were also very different – and it was the differences that made her love him. It was his differences that had changed her life so long ago and molded her into the person she had become.

And Spirits, did she love him for it.

For the first time in her life, she thought she might understand her mother.

She sat up abruptly and walked to her private terminal. After a few short keystrokes, she sent a brief message to Admiral Hackett.

Just as she hit the send button, the door to her cabin slid open. Jumping up, she nearly tackled Garrus against the fish tank.

“Hey there,” she whispered as she kissed him.

“Well, this is a nice surprise,” he whispered back. He must have noticed the strange look in her eyes as he ran his fingers through her hair. “And what have you been up to? Everything ok?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” she sighed. She wasn’t ready to tell him about the message she had sent. Not yet. “Just taking care of business for tomorrow. But the business is all done – we’re on schedule to rendezvous with the quarians tomorrow morning. I’ve been waiting for you….it’s late. What have _you_ been up to?”

“Hmmm,” Garrus said absent-mindedly as he fiddled with the hem of her tank top, slowly pulling it up until it came over her head. As he bent down to nibble her neck, he said, “A few of the guys were throwing me a pre-bachelor bachelor party. Apparently I’m very good at poker.”

“You’ll have to play against me sometime,” Shepard said with a grin, putting aside her earlier memories as she let Garrus undo the clasp of her bra. She shivered slightly as the cold air met her sensitive skin. “I’m the only one on this ship who can read your facial expressions.”

Garrus wrapped one arm around her back and looped the other beneath her knees, scooping her up and taking her to the bed.

“And what’s my face saying now?” he grumbled as he crawled over her, trapping her underneath him as he released the clasps on his own shirt, his mandibles flicking hurriedly against his face as Shepard ran her fingers over his exposed skin and carapace.

“How about I show you and you can tell me if I’m on the right track…”


	21. Talking to a Dead Reaper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Internet cupcakes to the person who finds the random crossover reference to one of my favorite sci-fi franchises!
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter!

The cold air against her back jolted Shepard awake. With a groan, she rolled over to find Garrus already up and pulling on his undersuit.

“Why are you always up so early?” she mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“Why do you always sleep so late?” he grinned back at her as he leaned over the bed and pressed his mouth to her forehead.

“Because it’s what normal people do,” she said, propping herself up on her elbows and letting the sheet fall down to her waist, exposing her round breasts to Garrus’s view. She smirked when he froze and his mandibles flicked against his face, but he quickly regained his composure.

“Well, I’m not a normal person,” Garrus replied, turning back to the task of dressing.

Shepard flopped back against her pillow with a sigh. “Obviously,” she muttered under her breath, but gasped when Garrus suddenly pounced on top of her. “Change your mind about something?” she asked as she reached for his face with her hand.

“Very, very tempting,” he whispered as he scraped his mandible along her cheek, “but no. You have to get up.”

“You’re such a tease,” she said as he pulled away from her again. “Why do I have to get up?”

“Because I had EDI turn off the alarm for you,” Garrus replied as he pulled on his greaves. “So you could sleep in. It’s rare that you get to sleep so well, but now it’s almost 0800 and you are meeting with the quarian admirals in thirty minutes.”

“Shit! Why didn’t you say that in the first place?” She scrambled out of the covers, ignoring the goosebumps on her skin as the cold air hit the rest of her body. She scrambled up the stairs to the shower, and in her hurry, she almost forgot to tell her new fiancé something.

“I have a present for you.”

Garrus turned to look at her with a raised eyebrow plate as he clasped his shoulderguards in place.

“Oh yeah?” he said with a surprised grin. “What’s that?”

“It’s in the battery,” she smiled back as Garrus walked up the stairs to the bathroom door. “I couldn’t let you outdo me with the ring. I picked a little something special up for you before we left the Citadel.”

“So you put it in the battery?”

“Yep. Guess you’ll have to go check it out.”

“Can’t you just tell me?”

“Nope.”

He walked in the shower and gripped her by the waist as she reached for the water controls.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he said softly. “Your answer was enough.”

She shrugged. “I wanted to,” she said. “Besides, it’s useful. And I _know_ you’ll like it. Now get out so I can wash off the turian smell.” She winked at him as he released her.

“You know I’ll just replace it later…”

“Promises, promises…”

She smiled as Garrus finally stepped out of the shower, allowing her to turn the water on. The warmth of the shower made her gasp as it slapped against her skin. Just as she raised her arms to run her fingers through her hair, the bathroom door slid open again and Garrus’s face leaned just past the doorway.

“Lizzie….thank you,” he said softly.

“You don’t even know what it is yet,” she laughed.

“I don’t have to know. Just…thank you.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

Garrus was tired.

The past two days had been exhausting. Reuniting with Tali had been one of the only things that had made this mission bearable. It was easy to fall into step behind Shepard with Tali at his side. But other than the good fortune of having Tali back, helping the quarians had turned into a chain of unfortunate events and Shepard was attempting to fix every single one.

Without rest.

After meeting with the quarian admirals, they had stormed the geth dreadnought. Finding Legion on the ship had been the second positive result of the disaster surrounding Rannoch and the quarians’ fruitless war for their homeworld. But without so much as a break, Shepard let Legion lead them to a geth server on the planet, interact with the geth consensus personally, and shut down the geth fighter squadrons from within.

As if that hadn’t left Garrus feeling uneasy as his fiancée plugged into the geth consensus and became unresponsive, Shepard almost immediately had led her team to the surface of the planet to rescue Admiral Koris, who had crash-landed and left the civilian fleet leaderless.

At 0341 hours the next morning, Garrus, Tali, and Shepard had all returned to the Normandy, unable to do anything else for the day.

“We have to get some rest, Shepard,” Garrus advised. After almost 20 hours of being awake, most of them fighting in some form, Shepard nodded at him.

“Yeah. Tali?” Shepard turned to her quarian friend.

“Yes, Shepard?” Tali sounded just as tired as the rest of them.

“We’ll hit the Reaper base in the morning. Garrus is right. We need some rest if we’re going to have any chance of success.”

“Of course.”

But Shepard had been up before any of them the next morning – even him. As he watched her now, panting hard and staring over the ledge into the pit of the Reaper base below, he couldn’t help but admire how she still pushed forward, despite how utterly drained she must feel.

His admiration quickly changed to panic, however, when the targeting laser pinpointed an exact firing location and the Normandy came into view.

“Shepard! Move!” Garrus shouted as he ran for her, but he was too late. The explosion threw him backward and he powerlessly watched as Shepard fell over the ledge to the ground below. As fast as he could, Garrus found his feet and ran to the edge, recklessly jumping down after her. Catching himself as he fell, he ran to Shepard and helped her stand up.

“Do you always have to go charging off like that?”

“It wasn’t exactly a charge, Garrus,” she smirked at him. “It was more like a –“

Both of them froze when a deep metallic noise sounded near them. In horror, they watched a giant figure rise from the depths of the fiery pit below.

“Reaper!” Shepard shouted.

 _“We have located transportation,”_ Legion said over the comm.

“Copy that,” Shepard turned to look at Garrus and Tali who had just jumped down to join them. “Everybody get to the ship. Move!”

“Just like old times,” Garrus shouted as they ran for the geth fighter.

“Seriously, Garrus?” Tali panted next to him. “This is _not_ like old times, you turian bosh’tet.”

“How do you figure?” he said between breaths. “What do you call Sovereign?”

“Keelah, it’s huge!” Tali shouted. “How are we supposed to fight that thing?”

“I was hoping your fleet might lend a hand,” Shepard cried as she jumped into the ship. Garrus heard Tali breathing hard next to him as they both sat down in the back. He watched as Shepard fired the ship’s gun at the Reaper.

“We’re clear!” she yelled. “Fire at will!”

Only a few seconds later, Garrus watched as a huge explosion knocked the Reaper over on its side.

“So what were you saying about old times earlier, Garrus?” Tali asked. “Because even with Sovereign, we weren’t fighting a Reaper directly like this.”

“Close enough,” he insisted. But as he and Tali finished speaking, Garrus realized he had missed some pivotal discussion between Shepard and the fleet, because the next thing he heard his fiancée say was, “No! Pull over!”

“Shepard-Commander?” Legion inquired.

Garrus’s relief from earlier at finding Shepard unharmed after her fall quickly dissipated when she jumped out of the ship.

“If we run away, the geth stay under Reaper control and the quarians are dead,” she explained. “This ends now!”

He got up from his seat and peered at her from inside the ship.

“Shepard, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m ending this,” she replied with conviction.

“You’re not taking on that thing by yourself!” he cried, his gut wrenching as he knew what she would say.

“Just watch me.”

“You have a death wish?” he asked. “Or a plan at least?”

Her eyes narrowed as she ignored his last comment. “EDI, patch the quarians to the Normandy’s weapons system. I want the targeting laser synced up to the whole damn fleet!”

After a brief pause, EDI responded, _“Understood.”_

“Do you need assistance?” Legion asked. Garrus couldn’t believe what was happening. He knew Shepard felt a responsibility to lead the fight against the Reapers, but that didn’t mean she needed to act like a suicidal maniac.

“Just stay down, Legion!” Shepard commanded. “I’ll take it from here.”

“Garrus,” he heard Tali said plaintively behind him. “She’ll be fine. This is _Shepard_ we are talking about.”

“Exactly. I can’t let anything happen to he –“

“Garrus…you’re not going to change her mind. You might as well sit down, let her do what she wants, and get it over with.”

Garrus’s mandibles flicked with irritation, but he knew Tali was right.

“Shepard-Commander,” Legion said. “Good luck!”

“Acknowledged,” was the last word Garrus heard from Shepard before Legion piloted the ship away from the Reaper and away from his Lizzie. Legion flew them to a safe distance. From his seat in the back, Garrus could see the display of what was going on below them. He felt his fists clench and unclench again and again as he listened to Shepard coordinate with the fleet.

“I noticed you have a new rifle, Garrus,” Tali said, clearly trying to keep his mind off of what Shepard was doing on the planet’s surface. “If I’m not mistaken, that’s a Black Widow, isn’t it?”

It worked momentarily. Garrus smiled.

“Yeah…she gave it to me yesterday. I guess you could call it…an engagement present?”

“Engaged? Does that mean what I think it means?”

“Humans have a tradition – she got a ring. You should have her show it to you. I think I did a fairly decent job of picking one out. But me – I got a gun.”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t have it any other way,” Tali giggled.

“Not at all.” But soon Garrus’s mind returned to what was happening below them.

One shot.

Garrus closed his eyes and opened them again to find that the fight was still going on. The first shot had barely made a dent in the Reaper’s stamina. Tali grabbed his hand finally and said, “Garrus. Really. You have to calm down.”

“How am I supposed to calm down? She left me behind, _again!_ ” he said.

“There was nothing you could do,” Tali tried to console him.

“And there’s something she can do? Who the hell takes on a Reaper by themselves?”

“Commander Shepard,” Tali said in resignation and gripped his hand tightly in hers again.

Another shot.

“Spirits! How many times do we have to blast that thing to kill it?” Garrus cried, still extremely anxious as he listened to the chatter on the comm.

“Garrus-Vakarian, Shepard-Commander is very agile. The Reaper’s slow targeting has not even come close to hitting her,” Legion said.

 _Even a damn AI is trying to comfort me_ , Garrus thought grimly. _What a mess I am. No better than Oraka –_

Three shots.

“Fuck on a stick!” Garrus exclaimed under his breath.

“What did you say?” Tali looked at him.

“Something I heard Joker say once.”

“I think you should stop spending time with Joker…for obvious reasons.”

“Tali, this is not the time for –“

Four shots.

Garrus held his breath, hoping that was the end. But it was not. From what he could see on Legion’s console display, the Reaper had fallen, but was dangerously close to Shepard now.

“Come on,” he whispered. “One more good one and let’s get out of here.”

There was silence on the comm as Shepard targeted the Reaper again. Then out of the silence came the mass firing of every ship in the quarian fleet.

Garrus’s ears nearly exploded along with the sound of the Reaper collapsing.

“Legion!” he shouted over the din. “Take us back there! Now!”

Garrus released Tali’s hand and stood up to move towards the pilot’s seat, but there was no need. Legion was already on his way back to Shepard’s position.

“I told you she would be fine, Garrus,” Tali said smugly.

“You’re definition of fine and mine are apparently different, Tali.” But in his momentary joy, he couldn’t help but squeeze Tali in a bear hug. “But I am happy to admit this time that I was wrong.”

“No, you have to say it right.”

“Say what right?”

“You have to say that _I_ was right.”

“Spirits, you’re just like my little sister,” Garrus sighed, shaking his head and releasing his friend.

“Say it,” Tali goaded.

“Alright, alright – you were right. I was wrong. Shepard is fine.”

At that moment, the door slid open and he and Tali lighted back onto the ground behind Shepard. He wanted to run to her, but held himself back as he noticed something strange. He watched for a few moments more with Tali at his side. She wasn’t moving either.

“Garrus…” Tali said. “Has Shepard been feeling ok lately?”

“A little tired maybe,” he replied slowly.

“Just so I know I’m seeing what I think I’m seeing…” Tali continued, words deliberately placed. “Is Shepard…talking? To the dead Reaper?”

“I –“ Garrus started, but couldn’t find the words. “I think she’s just tired.”

Both of them turned to watch Shepard again.

“You’re killing everyone in the galaxy to save us?” she said. After a few more seconds of silence, Shepard continued, “Organics and synthetics don’t have to destroy each other!”

Tali looked at Garrus, and Garrus shrugged, but he was sure the concern was evident in his face.

Shepard was just standing there – in her listening pose – talking to a dead Reaper.

Finally, Tali cleared her throat. Walking toward Shepard, she said, “We did it! We killed a Reaper!”

Garrus hung back silently. He didn’t hear much of the conversation between Lizzie and Tali. He didn’t pay close attention when Legion joined the exchange. He was trying to make sense of the past two days, and more specifically, the past twenty minutes. So much had happened. Just a few moments ago, he was afraid that Shepard would become a martyr for the cause – dying by the giant Reaper beam.

Now, he was more concerned about her mental state.

She had been talking to air, but talking in such a way that it seemed she thought she was being talked back to.

Garrus moved to the ledge and looked down at the dead Reaper. The only sounds he heard coming from the giant machine were the sounds of electrical circuits sparking.

Shaking his head, Garrus returned his attention to what was happening before him. Legion was upgrading the geth and Tali was on the comm trying to stop a genocide. Garrus began to walk toward Shepard, listening to her strong voice attempting to persuade the quarians to cease firing.

“You have a choice,” she pleaded. “Please. Keelah se’lai!”

Miraculously, Garrus heard Admiral Gerrel’s voice on the comm. “ _All units. Hold fire.”_

He almost couldn’t breathe. Even while she was exhausted, even when everything seemed lost, Shepard managed to work miracles.

“Good speech,” Garrus teased and grinned when Shepard sent him a relieved glance.

But the miracle didn’t come without a price. Garrus watched with a pained expression as Legion sacrificed himself to complete the code upload to the geth. The next few minutes were a blur as Admiral Raan arrived to speak with Shepard. Garrus pretended to be distracted by something on his omni-tool, not wanting to seem like an eavesdropper.

Once Raan had left, Garrus closed his omni-tool interface and found Lizzie and Tali sitting by each other, enjoying the view of a sunset on Rannoch. Jogging over to them, he dropped down uncomfortably in his armor to sit by Shepard on the ground.

“What did I miss?” he asked.

“Oh not much,” Tali said from Shepard’s right. “We were just talking about how you and Shepard will have to bring your turian-human babies to visit me…right here, in my _home_ ….someday.”

“Is that all?” he chuckled and felt on the ground until her clasped Shepard’s hand in his.

“How’s your new gun?” Shepard asked, smiling as she turned to look at him, squeezing his hand in response.

“Shiny,” he said with a pleased flick of his mandibles.

“Glad you like it.”

Abruptly, Tali stood up. Shepard released his hand and stood up to join her. Awkwardly, Garrus pushed himself up to standing as well.

“It is beautiful, though. Isn’t it?” Tali asked as she stared out over the landscape.

“Yeah. It is,” Shepard said.

“It will be years before we can live without our suits completely, but right now…” Garrus watched as Tali took a step forward. “Right now, I have this.”

Garrus looked on in amazement as Tali released her mask and exposed her face to the Rannoch sun. He stayed back, not wanting to intrude as Shepard took a step forward and put her arm around her friend.

He couldn’t explain what he felt in that moment, watching the woman he loved stand with the friend he revered as a sister, enjoying the sunset on their uncovered faces. Elation? Joy? Wonder? All of the above?

But it was enough – for a moment – to help him forget the odd scene from only a half an hour before.

Commander Shepard. Talking to a dead Reaper.


	22. A Reason to Speak in "Whens"

Garrus heard the battery door slide open behind him, but he couldn’t turn around. Not right now. He turned up the volume on the comm.

“Dad?” he pleaded. After recovering from the mission on Rannoch, Liara had managed to establish a connection to Palaven Command on Menae. The krogan help on his homeworld had stemmed the tide of the Reapers’ assault enough to connect with a single comm buoy. For the first time since assuming his position as Advisor to the Primarch, Garrus had used his power for personal reasons – he demanded that he be put in contact with his father, if he was still alive.

_“Garrus, we’re attempting to leave Palaven. We’re trying to reach the evacuation centers…”_

He could not describe the relief he felt at the sound of his dad’s voice. They were nowhere near safe yet, but the familiar strong tone of Tavius Vakarian’s baritone gave him hope that he would see his family again.

The line went silent again.

“Dad, are you there? Come in.” He fiddled with the controls in front of him, trying to clean up the static on the line.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Lizzie sit attentively on the crate to his right. The door slid shut, but she simply sat and listened, not interrupting his attempt to speak with his father.

_“The krogan are helping, but the Reapers are still advancing.”_

“Where are you now?” Slowly, the signal became a little clearer.

_“Your sister was hurt…”_

Garrus noticed Shepard sit up straighter. He wasn’t looking at her, but he could read her body language enough from where he stood to know she was genuinely concerned. Still, she looked on in silence.

“Hurt? How bad?”

_“A broken leg. She’ll live.”_

Just a broken leg – an easily mendable injury. Garrus had broken plenty of limbs in his life, too, but the thought of his little sister in pain made him uneasy.

“Dad, you have to get out of there.”

Shepard stood up then, her face etched with worry. Garrus tossed her a grateful glance as she put a warm hand around his waist, applying gentle pressure to reassure him.

_“We’re trying, Garrus. There are only a few evacuation ships left. I’m not sure we’ll make it in time. We –“_

The line went dead.

Garrus’s heart sank. His head followed suit. He felt Shepard pulling him closer to her, but he resisted as he let go of the controls in front of him.

“Spirits…if you really do exist…” he began, a silent prayer to the air around him. “Please watch over them. Let me see them again.”

He didn’t say anything for several minutes. Shepard didn’t say anything either. She just stood there next to him, watching him in loving silence as they contemplated what just happened. He didn’t really want to talk, but he didn’t want her to leave either.

Having her close was the only thing stopping him from collapsing with fear at that moment.

Finally, he sighed and turned to face her. She still said nothing, just looked at him with slightly moist green eyes as he stared back at her. No words had to be said. He pulled her close and pressed his forehead against her own, her cool human skin leaving its invisible mark on his tough hide. Garrus closed his eyes and breathed in her scent, taking comfort in her familiar smell – flowers from the shampoo she used to wash her hair and the warm aroma of her skin.

The sensory overload was too much. Fear for his family. Concern for his sister’s injury. Love for the woman in his arms. He was overwhelmed.

He needed her. He needed her now.

His control was gone. He couldn’t help himself. He tore through her clothes and tossed his armor aside as quickly as he could. He tried to be gentle in his frenzy, but his heart was pounding, his need almost unbearable. Shepard didn’t fight him. In fact, she helped him – undoing the clasps on his armor and discarding her undergarments quickly. He moaned softly as she pressed her body against him, running her fingers down his back as she pulled him close, her eyes watching him intently.

Of all the people in the galaxy, he knew that she understood him better than any of them. He wanted to lose himself in her – to drown out his fears and his insecurities in the comfort of her warmth, her body…her love.

He picked her up in his arms. Her legs circled his hips and pulled him into her as he took three steps to press her against the wall. He bent his head to nestle into the crook of her neck as he grunted with pleasure at the feeling of her tight, wet walls surrounding his length. He licked up and down her neck, losing himself in the feeling of her clenching around him. She goaded him on, rubbing and teasing the soft skin under his fringe, nibbling along his jaw, her nimble legs brushing against his sensitive waist whenever she could manage it. He dug his talons into her ass, holding her steady as he plunged as deeply as he dared inside of her.

It didn’t take long for him to reach his point of ecstasy. He cried out as he felt his Lizzie’s fingers tighten on his neck, her own climax reached as he pounded her body into the wall. He let himself release inside of her, taking comfort in the way she didn’t let go of him – her small fingers gripping his back as tightly as they could, whispering she loved him as his body shuddered with pleasure.

When it was over, he stepped back and let her find her feet.

He was embarrassed. What had he just done? Demanded something of her to cover up his pain and worry? Let himself be completely overruled by his fears and taken from her the comfort he desperately wanted?

He looked away, ashamed of the primal urges that had overtaken him.

“I’m sorry, Lizzie,” he said. “I – I don’t know what came over –“

“Stop, Garrus,” she said, cupping his cheek with one hand and pulling him back toward her with the other, her free arm wrapping around his waist again, refusing to let him go. “I love you. And if that was what you needed right now, then I was happy to give it. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

With his eyes closed, he pressed his forehead against hers as he had earlier. “Still,” he continued, running a talon along her check. “I didn’t mean to be so forceful. I just… _needed_ you.”

“I know,” she said with a smile as she looked up at him. “And not to undermine what you are feeling about your…family…right now, but damn, Vakarian – you should take me like that more often.”

His eyes widened at her as she blushed beneath his gaze.

He chuckled at her as he smiled back. “I’ll have to keep that in mind,” he said, gently releasing her. “And thank you…somehow – you always know what I need.”

“In more ways than one,” she winked as she began to reach for her clothes.

She was teasing him, but it was true. Whether it was physical comfort in the arms of his lover or a gentle comment to stroke his ego, Lizzie Shepard knew him and knew how to soothe him.

Just the fact that she cared enough to _try_ was enough to make Garrus want to pull her close again. But he was fumbling with the clasps on his armor when she approached him, fully dressed. She pulled his shaking hands away from the seals and used her sure fingers to fasten everything in place properly, rising up on her tip toes to brush a soft kiss on his jaw.

“Spirits, I love you,” he whispered when she finished.

“I love you, too,” she said with a smile.

“You’re in an awfully good mood today,” he grinned, leaning back to look at her fully. Her cheeks were still flushed. She had tried to straighten out the tangled waves of her hair after their tryst against the wall, but they still fell haphazardly down to her shoulders.

But what Garrus really noticed was the gleam in her eye – something he hadn’t seen for a while.

“Again, I don’t want to marginalize the news about your family,” she said, her grin temporarily disappearing. “But some good things are happening.” She shrugged. “I guess I’m feeling…hopeful.”

_Hopeful_ , Garrus thought. _That’s a pleasant surprise_. He crossed his arms, giving her a wry stare.

“Really? And what are these hopeful thoughts?”

“Well,” she began, pacing in front of him. “First off, I have a smoking hot fiancé who just gave me one of the best fucks of my life.”

Garrus’s mandibles flicked against his face. Part of him still felt guilty for taking her the way he had, but apparently, Shepard wasn’t worried about it in the slightest.

Especially if the crooked smile on her face was any indication of how she felt.

“Glad to have, uh…helped?” he said, crossing his arms.

She shook her head at him and continued. “And second, we may be on our way to finding the missing piece of the Crucible puzzle. There’s an artifact on Thessia. Damn asari have been hiding it for forever, but that’s beside the point. The point is, they _have_ an artifact, and it may be the key to finishing the Crucible and ending this goddamned war.”

“Really?” Garrus said, trying hard to contain his irritation at the asari for not mentioning this sooner. But Shepard was right – whether they were hiding it or not was a moot point. The artifact was available now.

And Lizzie Shepard truly looked happy. That was something Garrus could definitely be grateful for.

“Yep,” Shepard answered. “We’re headed there right now. Should make it to Thessia in the morning.”

Garrus didn’t know what to say. A possible end to the war. A happy Commander Shepard.

It was all too good to be true.

“There’s one more thing,” Shepard said. Garrus brought his eyebrow plates together in a slight scowl as he watched Lizzie’s eyes darken for a moment.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“I, uh…this is really bad timing…” She shook her head as if changing her mind about telling him.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you just heard about your family…this really isn’t the time to tell you about …” She trailed off and looked down at her feet.

“Lizzie,” he let his voice rumble in the low register, comforting subvocals emanating from his chest. She was learning how to understand his unspoken nuances. She raised her head to look at him as he took a step toward her, pulled her to him and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “There’s nothing I can do to help them right now. Sitting around and sulking isn’t going to help them either. Tell me what you wanted to say.”

“It’s my mom,” she said quickly, as if still uncertain she wanted to broach the subject. “A few days ago, I sent a message to Hackett asking where she was. She’s alive and safe. Promoted, actually – Rear Admiral. She’s working on the Crucible.”

“That’s wonderful news!” Garrus smiled. “I know things are…difficult…with your mom, to say the least, but it’s always a relief to hear that family is safe.”

“Yeah, it was a relief,” she sighed and leaned into him. He wrapped her in his arms for a few moments and ran his fingers through her hair, the steady rise and fall of her breath the only sound in the battery.

Suddenly, she stood up straight and looked at him with a serious expression.

“I want her to meet you.”

Garrus was taken aback. In all this time, Shepard had never once said she wanted him to meet her mother. In fact, she had not even mentioned that _she_ had any personal desire to see her mother either. He was confused.

“Okay…”he drawled.

“Thanks,” she said, pulling away and straightening out her uniform.

“But…when is this… _meeting_ supposed to happen? We’re kind of in the middle of a war.”

“How could I forget?” she rolled her eyes at him. “And who knows what will happen on Thessia, but if all goes well, we should have the missing link to the Crucible, and maybe we can meet up with mom there.”

Garrus nodded in acquiescence.

“Alright, if that’s what you want,” he said.

“It is,” Shepard replied with conviction, almost as if she was trying to convince herself. “I have to go finish up my mission briefing, but I will send it to you when it’s ready. Let me know what you think as soon as you have a chance to look at it. We _have_ to take Liara with us when we get to Thessia. She has demanded that she go. I’m hoping that’s not a mistake. She hasn’t had to see her home planet under attack like you and I have – I’m not sure how she’ll handle it.”

Garrus hadn’t thought of that. He had faith that Liara could handle it, but Shepard’s point was well taken.

“Will do,” he replied.

“Rendezvous at 1900 for a physical fitness check in the captain’s quarters, XO Vakarian,” she winked as she headed for the door.

“Aye, aye, Commander.”

Garrus smiled as he snapped an image with his visor.

Commander Shepard smiling at him over her shoulder as she left him standing in the battery, a flicker of hope twinkling in the corner of her eye.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“You fucking piece of prothean shit!”

“That is the best insult you have, Commander?” Javik crossed his arms and leaned against the table behind him, mocking her. “Primitive languages do not allow for very creative vulgarities.”

“You could have told us about this! You could have warned us! You could have pointed us in the right direction at least!” Shepard flung a crate at him. Javik didn’t even flinch as he moved casually to the side.

“Your anger is misplaced. Direct it at the Reapers, not at me.”

Chest heaving, she hurled herself at him, only to find herself held back by both arms.

“Fuck!” she yelled. She turned her head to find Garrus holding her back, both arms locked behind her.

“Shepard,” he said quietly.

“Get the hell out of here, Garrus. Let me take care of this!”

“This won’t accomplish anything,” he said, voice still soft.

She could easily break out of his grip. She was strong enough and with one biotic punch, she could knock Garrus flat against the wall.

“Stand down, Vakarian,” she said menacingly.

“No.”

“Goddammit, Garrus.” She struggled against him. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she would if she had to. “Don’t make me –“

“You can’t predict how people will act, Shepard. But you can control how you’ll respond. In the end, that’s what really matters,” he said, barely above a whisper. “You told me that once. Take your own advice this time. Trust me.”

Shepard hung her head in defeat. It was a cruel trick – using her father’s words and her father’s memory against her.

“Maybe it was a mistake making you my XO,” she said through gritted teeth as Garrus released her. “A subordinate shouldn’t know that much about his commanding officer.”

Her words hurt him. She could see it in his face, but in that moment, she didn’t care. She had never been so angry. They had a chance to stop this war. They were so close. But Kai Leng and Cerberus beat them to the punch again.

And Shepard could only stand there as Liara watched her world burn.

“Damn you!” she cried. “Damn both of you to hell!”

She stormed out of the cargo hold and stomped to the elevator.

“Don’t even think about following me, Garrus,” she said as she heard him behind her.

“You don’t have a say in the matter,” he growled.

“So help me, I won’t hold back.”

“Neither will I.”

She punched the button for her cabin and stood in silence as the elevator moved. She could feel her hands tingling with blue energy as her biotics flared in tune with her anger.

She wanted to be left alone. She had nothing to say to Garrus. He should have let her kill the damn prothean and his superior air with superior knowledge. The prothean who mocked them at every turn. The prothean who withheld information that could benefit them.

The prothean who did nothing to help.

“He’s a waste of space!” she finally yelled as she entered the cabin, the door sliding shut behind Garrus. “You should have let me end him!”

“You would have regretted it,” Garrus said.

“Never. Not that self-righteous piece of shit.”

“And killing him would not have ended the war. It would just make you a murderer.”

“It would have _felt_ good!”

“No. It wouldn’t.”

“How the fuck would you know? You didn’t get your revenge either. I should have let you blow Sidonis’s face off the map!”

Shepard could almost hear the flick of Garrus’s mandibles even though she couldn’t see him. She had moved down to the bottom level of the cabin, her back turned to Garrus. Her turian XO was still standing by the door, almost as if he were blocking her exit.

“No, Lizzie. You were right to stop me. I was angry. I wanted revenge, but you were always right. Killing for those reasons doesn’t bring any satisfaction – only more pain. I’m _glad_ you stopped me, and tomorrow, you will be glad I stopped you.”

She collapsed on the floor at the foot of the bed, one arm catching on the mattress as she fell. She placed her head in the crook of her arm and sobbed, giant heaving cries of anger and frustration and despair.

It wasn’t long before she heard the clack of Garrus’s boots come down the stairs. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the couch. Though still in his armor, he sat down and dropped her onto his lap. Instinctively, she nestled her head inside his cowl. He bent his cheek down to touch the top of her head as it rested against his neck.

She didn’t cry often. She hated crying. Her mother hated it when she cried, but this day was an exception.

“I thought we could win, Garrus,” she sobbed. “We were so close. I thought the end was in sight – that you and I could actually have a life. But this is impossible. There is no hope. I was a fool to believe we could make a difference.”

“Shhhh,” he said quickly. “You can’t talk like that. We’ve faced the impossible before. We always come out the other end alive.”

He was rocking her softly now as her sobs racked her body.

“I just can’t take this anymore. Not on my own. There’s so much pressure – Earth, Palaven, and now Thessia.” She sat up and wiped her face with the back of her hand. “Everyone wants so much from me. They demand it – even your own Primarch refused to help my planet until I found a way to save his. Does anyone fucking remember which planet was the first to fall? _Mine!_ Goddammit! No one will help me until I help them and I run around trying to save everyone else’s worlds, trying to comfort my friends when their people are dying! Who the fuck cares about Earth? Who is going to save us? There won’t be an Earth left to save after I finish rescuing the rest of the goddamned galaxy!”

Garrus’s mandibles were pulled tight to his face. His piercing blue eyes were studying her, but his face was unreadable otherwise.

Finally, he spoke.

“Have you ever been to Palaven other than the time before Eden Prime? Ever see anything besides the capital?” he asked softly, still staring at her intently.

She shook her head. “No, what does that have to do with anything?”

“I’m from Cipritine,” he continued, “but not from the city proper. My family’s estate lies on the outskirts of the metropolis.”

“Garrus, why are you telling me this? It’s not helping –“

“Just hear me out,” he shifted her weight in his lap so he could look at her more fully. “When this war is over, and if my family’s home still stands, I was hoping you would marry me there.”

“ _When_ the war is over?” she scoffed. “We’re still speaking in ‘ifs’ here.”

“That’s the point I’m trying to make.” Garrus’s brows came together in a sharp “V.” “I’m trying to give you a reason to speak in “whens”, not ‘ifs’.”

She studied him for a moment. His face was extremely seriuos, his steady gaze holding her up.

“I don’t really care where we get married,” she said. “If you want to get married on Palaven, then that’s fine with me.”

He nodded and smiled at her. “Good,” he said. “That sounds more like my girl, but I want you to say it.”

“I’m not sure what you want me to say,” she sighed.

“You know exactly what you need to say.”

She pursed her lips in frustration and annoyance. This was absurd. The middle of a war and Garrus wanted to talk wedding plans.

“The galaxy is the way it is, Lizzie,” he continued. “Getting mad at the Primarch or the salarian dalatrass or killing Javik isn’t going to change the selfish nature of regular people. But you can give yourself something to hope for. You are the reason I still have hope. I want to be yours.”

Her heart softened as she looked at Garrus’s earnest eyes. Compulsively, she reached up and ran a hand along his colony markings, slowly tracing them with her finger as he purred and closed his eyes under her touch.

“Okay, Garrus,” she whispered. “ _When_ we win this war, we will get married on Palaven.”


	23. Come Back for Me

“Joker, set course for the Caleston Rift.”

Joker punched a few brief commands into the console in front of him. “Aye, aye, Commander. So, Thessia, huh? Guess the asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now.” He turned to look at Shepard as he asked, “Too soon?”

Shepard could feel her anger boiling within her, the events of the last few days, and particularly Thessia, still fresh in her mind’s eye.

_Yes, Joker_ , she thought, grinding her teeth together. _Too soon._

“In case you hadn’t noticed, we just lost a few million people. This isn’t the time.” The edge in her voice was clearly audible and she meant it that way. She wasn’t in the mood for Joker’s humor at the moment.

But apparently, Joker wasn’t in the mood for her irritation with him, either.

“You see this?” The pilot had pulled up a visual of a planet on his console. “Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there. So does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago.”

The visual changed before her eyes – three red shapes converging on the planet, signifying the Reaper attack. Shepard clenched her fists as she thought of all the people on that little colony, all the people on Thessia, Palaven, Earth…everyone who was somewhere in the galaxy under Reaper attack at that very moment.

It only made her angrier. Joker’s next comment didn’t help calm her at all.

“So you can assume that I’m generally aware there’s a war on, Commander.”

Joker’s tone was something she didn’t expect, however. She wasn’t sure what to make of it.

“So why the jokes?” she asked.

He turned around swiftly in his chair and said, “Because EDI says that according to your armor’s metabolic scans, you’re under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like, more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus 10,000 batarians trying to kill you.”

He paused for a minute and Shepard crossed her arms. Yeah, she was stressed out. Yeah, EDI’s data was probably right, but that still didn’t explain Joker’s attitude.

“And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson,” Joker said, a little softer, “he told me to take care of you.”

She stepped back. When did Joker brief with Anderson? And Anderson could tell from their few conversations that she was more stressed than ever before?

She didn’t think the wear and tear had shown as much as Joker implied it did. It was one thing for Garrus to notice. It was completely different for the rest of the crew to see how she was falling apart – especially Joker.

“The guy leading the resistance – on Earth! – is worried about you. And I’m supposed to help.” Joker’s voice hitched on the last word, strain clearly evidence in his voice.

“I appreciate the thought, Joker,” Shepard replied, trying to sound more collected, “but I’m fine.”

“The hell you are!” Joker argued. “You’re like half robot at this point. No offense, EDI. And it’s my fault. When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn’t leave…because you had to come back for me.”

_So that’s what this is about_ , she thought. _He’s still feeling guilty about Alchera. Ah, Joker…_ She shook her head, sad that Joker still worried about something beyond his control.

It might be too soon to joke about the loss of another planet to the Reapers or about her defeat to Kai Leng. But it wasn’t too late to reassure her friend that he was not to blame for those problems.

“Couldn’t leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?” she smiled at him as warmly as she could.

“Yeah, well…I guess that would’ve looked bad on your report.” He swiveled his chair around, turning his back on her.

Now _that_ upset her. For Joker to even remotely think that she had saved him for some sort of self-gratifying ego boost was too much in that moment. So she did something she had never done to him.

Without closing the door to the cockpit, she grabbed Joker’s chair and forced him back around, staring down at him from her pose above. She had something to say to her pilot and she wanted the crew to hear her.

“Flight Lieutenant Moreau, you are out of line! I have a few things to say to you and you will listen without interruption and without an attempt at brushing off what I have to say with a joke. Is that clear, soldier?”

Joker didn’t respond. At least not verbally. He crossed his arms and stared back up at her with a look of stern indignation.

“My _death_ was not your fault. I died because I returned to rescue a fellow crewmate. That is part of my duty as captain of this ship. You didn’t kill me. The _Collectors_ killed me! That needs to be clear, once and for all!”

Joker still didn’t respond, the look on his face unchanging. He had heard all this before. They all had. But that didn’t change the responsibility Joker felt for what had happened that fateful day. She had to make it clearer than that.

“But there’s more to it. Every single member of my crew, including you, is a valued and important part of my team. Even more than that, you are my _friend_ , Joker! There is absolutely no way that I would let anything happen to one of my friends. So if I ever hear you insinuate that I died saving you because I wanted to pad my record or because you disobeyed an order, that’s just bullshit. I was happy to give my life for my friend and I would do it again for any member of this crew, do you hear me?”

She could feel the eyes of the CIC on her back, but the only eyes she really worried about were Joker’s. He was still watching her, although his arms were uncrossed.

“We are going to win this war! We may have lost Earth and Palaven and Thessia, but those losses are only temporary.” Shepard thought back to her conversation with Garrus the night before. Oh, how she loved that turian. Somehow, he had helped her find a way to feel hope again. And not only did she have hope, but she had a plan.

“Do you know what’s in the Caleston Rift?” she asked.

“No, Commander,” Joker finally responded, his tone warmer than before. Perhaps she was getting through to him.

“A clue – just a bit of hope for something that might give us a leg up on the Reapers. I want Patsy-Bob’s head on a pike, but before we go find him, we need a weapon. Something more than what he has. We’re going to find a Reaper killer and our first step is there. You are going to take us there.”

“Patsy-Bob is Commander Shepard’s name for the Illusive Man,” EDI turned to explain to Joker.

“EDI…I know,” Joker rolled his eyes.

She started pacing back and forth.

“Stress? Yeah, I’m stressed. We all are, but stress is just a byproduct of future success. We are going to win and if I hadn’t saved my _friend_ almost three years ago, who knows what shape this ship would be in right now. We might all be dead if it was someone else piloting this bird.”

“You know, your speeches don’t work as well on me as they do on everyone else,” Joker said, but he was grinning at her wryly. “I’ve heard too many of them.”

“After putting Patsy-Bob’s head in my display case, I may put yours next to it.” She waved a dismissive hand at him, but she smiled back.

“I guess you’re right about one thing,” he replied. “I wouldn’t trust anyone else to fly this ship, either.”

He nodded at her. Shepard nodded back, a silent agreement between the two of them that the argument was put to rest. Joker spun his chair back around and fiddled with the console.

“We’ll make it to the Caleston Rift in a couple of hours, Commander.”

“Thanks, Joker.”

She turned on her heel and began walking back through the CIC. Standing just outside the elevator was Garrus.

_Curiouser and curiouser_ , she thought. _I’m going to have to find out who’s reporting to him whenever I have an outburst…First Javik, now Joker…do I really look like I’m losing it that badly?_

She felt all eyes on her as she made her way through the ship. She had meant for the CIC crew to hear her speech – she was hoping it would help them spread the word that Commander Shepard may have been beaten, but she wasn’t broken. Even if her own heart was failing, she wanted the crew of the Normandy to remain positive.

And then when her eyes met the sharp blue of Garrus’s, her own hope fluttered again briefly in her chest.

_A reason to speak in “whens”…_

“Garrus,” she nodded at him, stepping into the elevator.

“Shepard,” he nodded back before the door closed.

“Was I too harsh?” she asked when the door slid shut.

“Not at all,” he said. “It was good for the crew to hear what you’re planning – have to keep up the  morale. Everyone has taken the loss of Thessia hard.”

She let out a long breath. “Right. Well, we have a few hours before we have to start scanning for this Garneau character. You have time for a stress relief break, XO Vakarian?” She looked at him sidelong and found him smiling at her.

“Always.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“Tali! Watch out behind you!”

Garrus started to run from cover, his stomach plummeting when he saw the brute begin to charge his quarian friend. He threw an overload. It wasn’t much, but hopefully it would distract the brute from Tali long enough to let her run far enough away to be safe.

It was enough.

Tali didn’t even look behind her. She trusted Garrus and ran for her life, slicing two husks with her omni-blade on the way. She crouched next to Garrus as they both fired everything they had at the brute. Garrus watched as the monstrosity collapsed only a few feet in front of them.

“Keelah! They just keep coming. How long has Shepard been down there?” Tali said.

Garrus didn’t want to think about that. The ship rocked, rain pelting against his armor and making the surface of the ship slippery. Shepard had taken the triton mech down into the depths of the ocean too long ago. Garrus had lost track of the time and with each passing moment, fear for her safety clenched his heart more firmly.

“I don’t know, Tali, but keep at it. We have to be ready when she makes contact.”

_When_ she made contact. He wasn’t ready to deal in “ifs.” Not now. Not when he had fought so hard to make Shepard believe in “whens.”

He wasn’t giving up.

Any minute now, she was going to rise up out of the water in that mech and smile at him with those green eyes of hers, a swagger in her step after conquering whatever Leviathan was.

Because that was what she did.

Almost as if he willed her into existence, at that very moment, he looked over his shoulder to see just what he had imagined. He fired a few last shots at the husks charging his and Tali’s position and breathed a sigh of relief when the orange mech landed on the ship’s surface, Lizzie Shepard sitting in the control seat. His relief quickly turned to worry as the glass lid lifted, revealing a very pale version of the woman he knew. Her limbs shook and a single trail of blood trickled out of her nose.

_What the hell happened?_ He scrambled to his feet, firing at the two brutes still heading his way, but he didn’t care. He had to get to Shepard.

Shepard dropped out of the mech and onto the wet surface of the ship. If there was any doubt that something was wrong before, the doubt was gone as Garrus watched her collapse. Something was clearly horribly wrong. Panic gripped him and he fired erratically at the brutes, struggling to get past them and help her. Soon he didn’t have to worry about the brutes coming after him, because their attention had turned to the gasping woman on the ground.

But just when Garrus was afraid all was lost, the brutes did something totally unpredictable. The brute closest to Shepard stopped, turned, and started to attack his companion, the two of them trading blow for blow.

Garrus didn’t waste the opportunity. He darted from cover and ran to Shepard as fast as his legs would carry him. The brutes didn’t even notice him as he bent down and picked Lizzie up off the ground, looping her arm over his shoulder.

“Shepard’s back!” he called. “Cortez, talk to me!”

_“We’re good to go!”_ Cortez’s voice came over the comm. _“I don’t know what the Commander did, but the pulse is offline!”_

Garrus grunted as he pulled Shepard into the Kodiak. Tali provided covering fire and Garrus let out a deep breath as the shuttle lifted off the surface of the ship.

But the struggle wasn’t over yet.

He leaned over Shepard’s limp body on the floor of the shuttle. Her life signs were weak.

“Shepard! Wake up!” he cried. “She’s freezing!”

Suddenly, her body lurched upward, coughing and sputtering. Garrus sat back on his haunches, knowing he was powerless to help her. He looked on in concern, unable to do anything but watch as she struggled to breathe.

Finally, the coughing stopped.

“You ok?” he asked.

“Yeah…” she said weakly, climbing into the seat behind her. “Yeah, I’m fine. Hell of a headache.”

The adrenaline rush of the last five minutes finally jolted Garrus upward. He stood up strongly as he said, “Never do that again.”

Shepard didn’t say anything. She simply stared up at him with sad, tired eyes. He could read what she was saying.

_You know I had to_ , she said silently.

He nodded in submission. _I know_ , he thought.

Resigned, he reached for the bar above him, steadying himself as the shuttle rocked.

“How did it go down there?” he asked, trying to put the fear in his heart away.

“We found it.” She stood up with some sort of renewed energy – almost excitement. “It’s real and a lot more than we ever imagined.”

“So was it worth almost dying for?” Cortez piped up from the cockpit.

“I don’t know,” Shepard replied. “But we proved it can’t hide anymore…that it’s a part of this war, just like us. And it’s gonna help fight.”

“That’s amazing,” Tali said.

“Yeah. One for the history books.”

Garrus let himself relax as Shepard smiled. “You know what else would be one for the history books?” Garrus began. Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. “If the great Commander Shepard took a break to recoup for a bit. You could use one after whatever happened down there.”

He ran a gloved hand gently down her arm. To his surprise, she gave him a soft, grateful look.

“Actually, I think you’re right, Garrus.”

“Of course I’m right,” he smirked.

“Well…don’t let your head get too big there, but this mission was more taxing than I expected.” There was a far-away look in her eye that Garrus didn’t like, but he would take it if it meant she would take some time off. “Anderson has an apartment on the Citadel. He’s giving it to me actually. I really want to find Patsy-Bob and stab him through the heart, but I think we could all use a little break and check out my new place before we track him down. We’ve been going non-stop for too long.”

“Especially you, Shepard,” Tali joined in, supporting Garrus as he nodded in agreement, but after she spoke, Tali moved to the cockpit to sit by Cortez, giving Garrus and Shepard a few moments alone.

“So an apartment, huh?” Garrus said, gripping her hand in his. “Does that mean we might get some time alone?”

“You better believe it, Vakarian,” she smiled. “But I have some other plans for our shore leave as well.”

“Care to let your XO know about these plans?”

“I already have.” Garrus gave Shepard a questioning look. “I sent a message to my mother yesterday. She’s going to meet us on the Citadel.”

That was unexpected.

“I thought you said your mother is working on the Crucible,” he said slowly.

“She is. But when Thessia didn’t go as I had hoped, I asked her to meet us on the Citadel next time we docked. She agreed.”

Garrus still wasn’t sure where all this was coming from. Lizzie loved her mother. Their relationship was strained, but Hannah Shepard was still her mother. An itching thought formed at the back of Garrus’s mind.

“What’s this all about? I’m happy to meet your mother – spirits, you braved my entire family – but tying up loose ends? Even after everything we’ve talked about, it sounds like you might be –“

“Giving up again?” she asked. Garrus said nothing. She could read his mind, he was sure of it.

“I’m not giving up, Garrus,” she said, placing a hand on his chest. “I’ll never give up as long as I have you with me. But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…scary, I know, but there are…words…that my mother and I said to each other many years ago. It’s time to put them right.”

He tilted his head at her and quietly said, “Ok. You’ll have to tell me what to wear, though.”

She laughed at that and Garrus relaxed at her lilting tone.

“Meeting the parents – one of the few items on a short list that will get Garrus Vakarian out of his armor.”


	24. Shepard Without Vakarian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter is long, but hopefully a welcome update. I have had the week from hell (this seems to be happening more and more lately :( ) and finally had a chance to sit down and finish cleaning up this chapter.
> 
> Thanks for reading and enjoy!

“Look at you. What makes you so damned special?”

A familiar sounding voice with an unfamiliar inflection floated through the air as Garrus turned to find Shepard. He watched as she looked to her left at the perfect copy of her face – the replica of her own green eyes staring back at her, blonde waves flying in the wind as she and her three-dimensional reflection both struggled to regain footing on the Normandy.

“Why you and not me?”

In that moment, Garrus pitied the imitation. Copy or not, it was still a living person – a person created to _be_ Shepard. A person struggling with the riddle that was her own existence.

Garrus was running when he called out to her.

“Hang on!” he shouted as he sprinted toward Shepard, Liara in tow. He didn’t miss the look of grateful relief that passed over Shepard’s face as he heaved her back onto her feet.

“Thanks,” she breathed out a laugh and gripped his hand briefly before turning to the clone still hanging on to the edge of the dock.

He couldn’t say he was surprised when Shepard took a step toward the copy and extended her hand.

“Here,” Garrus heard her say, “Take my hand.”

“And then?” the clone said.

“And then you live!” Shepard replied.

Garrus watched the tense form of the two women before him – one that he loved and one that he despised – both of them visibly identical.

But perhaps not…

He studied them closer. Their physical features matched, but there was something different about the clone – something in the way she moved.

Or was it something in the way Shepard moved?

Garrus shook his head to clear his vision. But as he looked back at Shepard and the imitation in front of him, he knew what the difference was.

The slope of Shepard’s shoulders, the way she held her head – even as he looked on from behind, he could see it. Her poise not just in battle, but in everything she did, down to the way she cried in his arms on extremely rare occasions.

The galaxy might not believe it unless they saw her in action, but her strength was in compassion. Some might call it weakness, but in all the time Garrus had known her, weak was something Shepard was not. People followed her partly because of her battle prowess and keen eye for strategy, but they really followed her because they believed in her. Because she _made_ people believe in her by protecting them – by serving them.

People always came first. Victory would follow.

In that moment, the clone must have decided something similar. Without the advantage of Shepard’s experience and heart, she truly _was_ a pale imitation of the real thing.

“For what?” the clone finally said, releasing her grasp and falling to the surface below.

Even as she fell, Garrus watched Shepard wince.

She stood up slowly, still staring over the edge even though the clone’s body would have fallen yards behind them now. Liara nodded at him as she retreated back inside the ship.

“What a waste,” Shepard sighed sadly.

“I would think you would be glad to be rid of her,” Garrus said as he sidled up next to her, placing a tentative arm around her waist.

She tossed him a rueful smile and explained. “We can always use more capable soldiers against the Reapers.”

“And that’s why I love you,” Garrus smiled as he pulled her close to his side and placed a brief kiss on her temple. “I don’t think there’s anyone else in the galaxy who could find a positive way to look at this situation.”

“Without you,” she looked up at him, “I don’t think I _could_ find something positive about a clone that was dead set on killing me. But that’s the funny thing about love…” she paused and smiled. “It changes you, I guess.”

“I don’t know, Lizzie. I think you _might_ have turned out alright even without me around,” Garrus teased. “But I guess we’ll never know.”

“I think we’ve already seen what Shepard is like without Vakarian,” she said quickly. Garrus raised his browplates at her. She motioned to the buildings below as they flew past.

“ _That_ is Shepard without Vakarian,” his love said sternly, her eyes holding his gaze.

Garrus’s mandibles flared outward in surprise.

 _“Uh…not to ruin the moment, Commander,”_ Joker said over the comm. _“But we need you to get to a console and let EDI regain some minimal control. I don’t think you want to be standing where you are when the Normandy makes it past the Citadel arms.”_

“Point taken, Joker,” she nodded and Garrus followed her back into the ship.

“The day’s not over, Garrus,” she continued as she marched toward the elevator. “We have a more intimidating figure than my homicidal clone to meet this afternoon.”

“And who’s that?” he asked as she punched the button that closed the gaping dock of the cargo hold.

“Did you forget already?” she smirked at him while she walked. “Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard, Alliance Navy.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

For the fifteenth time since putting them on, Shepard straightened her Alliance dress blues. She couldn’t recall a time she had been this nervous in her entire life. Six years since she had mourned her father’s death. Six years since she had seen her mother.

Six years since Elizabeth Shepard had learned that her mother’s love only went so deep.

Shepard leaned forward against the balcony railing of her new apartment and sighed while she appreciated the view. Garrus had been right in a way. She wasn’t giving up, but part of her feared that her good luck would run out, that this mission had a very real chance of claiming her life. She didn’t want that to happen without being able to say a few things to the woman whose love had felt so elusive throughout her life but whose love she had craved since the day she was born.

She nearly jumped when she felt Garrus’s strong arms wrap around her from behind. She closed her eyes and pressed her back against his warm chest.

“You’re not going to turn around and see if my outfit is acceptable?” he rumbled in her ear.

“And miss a chance to check out my favorite turian? Not on your li –” she grinned as she turned around, but stopped when she saw him. She had told him to put on something “official-looking” but forbid him from wearing his armor. When he had protested and told her that armor is one of the most official outfits in turian society, she had smacked him on the ass and told him to head back to the bedroom and change. But Garrus had definitely gone above and beyond for today’s appearance.

“Don’t tell me I have to change again,” Garrus pulled his mandibles tight against his face and his head ducked slightly. Shepard quickly shook her head and reached for his hands.

“Absolutely not,” she whispered. “I’ve just never seen you wear something like this.” She motioned to the formal looking outfit he was wearing. Garrus was covered in a pair of blue dress clothes – the same blue as his markings. On the shoulders and on the right breast were silver patterns that Shepard was sure meant something important. The outfit was simple, but formal and looked remarkably similar to her own proper military dress.

Garrus studied her as she ogled at him, finally clearing his throat and smirking as he realized she wasn’t upset with what he was wearing.

“We generally wear our armor to formal events, but turians do have a set of military dress clothes. I don’t pull them out often, but it seemed appropriate for this…meeting,” he said.

“What are the silver marks for?” she asked, tracing them lightly with her fingers.

“They, uh, signify my rank, both in the Hierarchy and as a military officer,” he replied.

“Oh really?” she raised her eyebrows at him. “And what rank is that by the way, you never have told me….”

Garrus placed his hand over her smaller one as it traced the insignia on his chest and pulled her closer to him.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he mumbled as he nibbled down her neck. Shepard’s skin prickled with goosebumps, but she was quickly startled out of her pleasure when the door pinged. Jolting upright, she looked into Garrus’s steely blue eyes and found a quiet strength there. _Always just what I need_ , she thought as she turned to go down the stairs and answer the door.

Her hands fluttered with nervous energy as the door slid open.

“Hi, Mom.”

She heard the waver in her own voice as she greeted the woman she hadn’t seen in six years. Her knees shook under the scrutinizing gaze of Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard – the woman she called mother.

“Elizabeth…”

The tone of her mother’s voice made Shepard’s eyes widen. It was as soft as a whisper – almost a prayer.

She didn’t have time to process what that meant but she didn’t have to wait long to find out. Before she could react, her mother took two steps toward her and wrapped her in the tightest hug Shepard had ever received from the older woman.

“Mom?” she said softly, patting her mother on the back gently.

“It’s so wonderful to see you…alive!” her mother said, not letting her daughter go. Shepard warily returned the embrace, still not sure what to make of the situation. This was definitely not what she had expected. The last time she had received a hug from her mother was when she had returned in the medical evac shuttle with her father, the latter’s heart still faintly beating.

“It’s, uh…good to see you, too,” Shepard said. Finally, Hannah let her daughter go, but held onto her shoulders as she stepped back and looked into the bright green of the younger Shepard’s eyes, slight age lines wrinkling as Hannah smiled. Suddenly, Admiral Shepard’s eyes shot to the side to see Garrus standing behind Shepard. Releasing her daughter, she extended her hand to the turian who accepted it with raised browplates.

“Garrus Vakarian,” Hannah said.

Garrus inclined his head slightly, looking to Shepard for guidance, but politely replied, “Rear Admiral. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” Shepard shrugged her shoulders at her fiancé, still unsure what to make of the encounter.

“Admiral Hackett has told me much about you,” Hannah continued as she released Garrus’s three-fingered hand.

“Hopefully not too much…” Garrus smiled, a teasing undertone to his voice.

 _He seems more at ease with my mother than I do_ , Shepard thought as she watched the two people in front of her. _The high-ranking turian upbringing is probably responsible. Much more schooled in proper social graces than I ever was...Well…Mom_ tried _at least…_

“Only the important parts, like your support of my daughter in her campaign against Saren and then your unwavering dedication to her in taking down the Collectors.” Hannah flashed a genuine smile. Shepard was still baffled by all that was happening before her. This was so confusing – definitely not what she had expected from her mother. “I am not surprised to find you with her, and from the reports that have been passed on to me, I’m grateful to have such a capable soldier behind her now. Thank you, Vakarian.”

Garrus dipped his head again, but Shepard didn’t miss the flash of pride in his facial features. _Don’t let it get to your head, Big Guy_ , she smirked as she made eye contact with him, but he just smiled back at her.

“Your daughter is an amazing leader, Admiral. It’s an honor to be part of her team,” he said simply.

An awkward silence descended on the group.

The elder Shepard finally coughed and looked around the spacious room.

“This is a lovely place, Elizabeth. You said David gave this to you?” she asked.

“Yeah. I’m not sure I like the implications of why he did that, but it’s mine, nonetheless. Why don’t you have a seat, Mom? I can fix you a drink.” Shepard wrung her hands.

“Thank you,” Hannah said as she followed Shepard’s lead to the couch by the fireplace.

“I’ll take care of it,” Garrus whispered in Shepard’s ear as he touched her arm lightly. Shepard tossed him a grateful glance as he headed to the kitchen. She turned to find her mother watching the brief encounter, a shrewd look on her face.

“Your turian XO is capable in many regards it seems,” Hannah Shepard said.

Shepard laughed nervously as she took the seat across from her mother on the neighboring couch, smoothing out her uniform for the sixteenth time that day.

“Garrus is my right-hand in everything I do,” Shepard began tensely. “I hope you don’t mind that I asked him to accompany us today. We have business to attend to after your visit.” It wasn’t a lie, but it was definitely a stretch of the truth. Shepard could tell by looking at her mother’s face that Hannah was not blind to the fact, but she simply nodded and smiled back at her daughter. Just as Shepard was about to change the conversation topic, her mother spoke again.

“Look, Elizabeth, I don’t know exactly why you asked to see me today, but whatever the reason, I’m glad you contacted me.” Shepard looked up at her mother, her hands folded in her lap. She tried to find any hint of Hannah Shepard’s thoughts by examining her mother’s face, but she could find none, so she simply settled back in her seat and tried to find words.

“It’s good to see you, Mom,” was all Shepard could manage to say, the words choking in her throat as she spoke.

“You haven’t changed a bit,” Hannah continued. “You look the same as you did the last time I saw you.” Her mother’s smile faded momentarily, but she quickly replaced it.

“Well, I did get reassembled since you saw me last,” Shepard chuckled absent-mindedly but regretted her statement when she saw the look on her mother’s face. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought that u –“

“Nonsense,” Hannah waved Shepard’s comment away with her hand. “There’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to talk about the subject. After all, your…death…wasn’t permanent. I’m not sure we can look back and laugh at it yet, but regardless, you are alive and well now.”

At that moment, Garrus returned with drinks. Shepard watched as her mother accepted her drink with a “thank you” and tried to relax as she took a deep draught from her own glass. Garrus turned to leave, but Shepard grabbed his arm briefly.

“Garrus,” she said, fully aware of her mother’s eyes on her as her turian looked down at her. “I invited you for a reason. Please stay.” Garrus pulled his mandibles tight against his face but nodded in acknowledgement, dutifully taking a seat next to her on the couch.

With Garrus next to her, Shepard felt stronger. She took a deep breath and turned to face Hannah again.

“Mom, there are a lot of things I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. This war is escalating, and I didn’t want anything to happen to either of us before I told you –“

“Elizabeth, stop!” Hannah put down her glass and raised her hand. “You don’t have to explain. I know why you haven’t contacted me until now and I understand. I have missed you, but I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do.”

Shepard’s brow crinkled as she looked at her mother. _What is she talking about?_ , she thought.

“You do?” she asked out loud.

Hannah nodded. “I do. I know that it’s hard for you to look at me – I…failed you. It’s only natural for you to blame me for what happened.”

Now Shepard was entirely baffled. She looked to Garrus for guidance even though she knew he would have none. He stared back at her with a blank look.

_What the fuck is going on?_

She shook her head and turned back to Hannah. “Mom, I really don’t –“

“I’m just glad I got to see you. I know I may not get a chance to see you again. The Reapers are a formidable enemy. I have no doubt you will defeat them, but I don’t know if all of us will live to see that day. Now I can at least say that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I tried. I failed.”

Shepard had rarely seen her mother look so distraught. Hannah Shepard would never cry, but at this moment, she looked about as close as she could get.

“What are you –“

“It’s ok. We can talk about something else. I can give you updates on the Crucible from ground zero. We just acquired –“

“Mom! Stop!” Shepard stood up as she raised her voice over her mother’s. She watched both Hannah’s and Garrus’s eyes widen as she put down her glass on the coffee table and took a deep breath. “Some things haven’t changed at all. You never listen to me. You haven’t let me get a word in since you walked in the door. I didn’t ask to meet you so you could apologize to me. I have no idea what you are talking about and I definitely don’t know what you mean when you say you have ‘failed’ me. I don’t know when or if we will get a chance to talk again, so, please, slow down and explain what is going on.”

She panted as if out of breath, noticing her knees were shaking like they were when she first saw Hannah Shepard in the doorway. No one spoke for several moments, but finally, her mother opened her mouth.

“Your father,” Hannah said slowly as if the words pained her. “I’m talking about your father. I know you blame me for his death, and I’m sorry I failed you.”

Shepard fell back into her seat on the couch and stared at her mother as she continued.

“I fell back that day to catch any stragglers I could. I didn’t make it to you and your father in time. If I had…maybe he would still be alive. You two were always so close – he adored you and you adored him. I love you just as much but I’ve never been good at showing it. You don’t know how many times I’ve wished the same thing you have – that I had died instead of him.”

She was speechless. Her mother thought that she wished Hannah had died in her husband’s place?

“You thought,” she began, choosing her words carefully, “that I wanted _you_ dead instead of Dad?”

“I know you did,” Hannah said, a note of hesitation in her voice. “Why else would you have ignored me for the past six years? And I didn’t blame you – I know what your father meant to you.”

Shepard shook her head in disbelief. She willed the tears stinging her eyes back down and met her mother’s sad gaze.

“Mom. For the past six years I thought _you_ wished _I_ had died in _his_ place.”

As her words left her mouth, understanding washed over Hannah Shepard’s face accompanied by the first tear Shepard had ever seen her mother shed.

“Lizzie, I know I was never a very tender mother, and I loved your father very much, but you’re still my daughter. Losing a child – well, that’s something no parent could ever want, not even me. I would rather live a lifetime knowing you were alive even if you didn’t want to speak to me ever again than live when you are dead. When I learned of your death on Alchera – “ Hannah Shepard’s voice cracked and Shepard flinched. “I nearly went mad. David and Steven helped me pull out of my depression. So many regrets…but no, sweet child, I would never have wished that you died in your father’s place.”

“But you never contacted me!” Shepard cried. “Why didn’t you write or call? Ever?!” Her voice reaching a high-pitched frenzy.

“Then that was my mistake,” Hannah replied, reaching for her daughter’s hand. “I thought you needed space after what you had witnessed. I mistakenly assumed that when you were ready you would want to contact me. I had no idea you thought I didn’t want to see you. Your father could have told you that I’ve never been good at communicating.”

Shepard couldn’t hold it in anymore. Like a child, she fell to the floor and buried her face in her mother’s leg, kneeling at her feet. All her life, she had longed to hear that her mother actually cared for her. She could be angry and vindictive – she could hold all the years of miscommunication against Hannah Shepard, but this was not the time for that. This war might take her life – she would not return to the fight without making amends with this woman before her, the woman who had given her life.

She felt her mother’s lips on the back of her head as the older woman stroked her fingers through her hair. _How much time we wasted worrying that the other person hated us_ , she thought. _Spirits, let me win this war and have another chance with my mother._

Finally, she sat up and wiped her face.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” she said instinctively, knowing her mother hated crying, but as she looked up, she saw her mother had been crying, too. What a day of firsts this had turned out to be.

“Please don’t be sorry, Lizzie,” her mother whispered with a smile. “We’ve wasted too much time being angry or hurt or afraid or whatever you want to call it. You have nothing to be sorry for, and I am extremely proud of you. Your father would feel the same way – he would nearly burst if he knew all of the things you have done.”

They sat there that way for a few moments, simply taking in the strange feelings. Shepard still didn’t know how to process all that had just happened, but eventually, she felt her legs falling asleep and rose to her feet. Her mother was not the person that Shepard thought she was – and that bit of knowledge completely rocked Shepard’s world in a way that made her heart swell with joy.

“Well, we got one of the things I wanted to talk to you about out of the way,” Shepard said, straightening her uniform again.

Her mother looked at her with a questioning look, waiting for her to continue. Shepard turned to look at Garrus who had followed her lead when she stood. His face was tense, and Shepard felt horrible for putting him in such an awkward position, but she wanted this. She wanted her mother to know who she really was and what her life was like. If she didn’t make it, she wanted her mother to know that she had what her father had always wanted for her – someone who truly loved her – and that there was no Elizabeth Shepard without Garrus Vakarian.

“I didn’t just invite Garrus here as my XO, Mom,” she began, her voice quivering as she watched Hannah Shepard. “I wanted you to –“

“So it’s true,” Hannah said, a crooked smile on her face as she stood to match them, studying Garrus again. Shepard felt Garrus shift his weight next to her.

“What’s true?” Shepard asked, waiting to find out what it was her mother thought she knew.

Hannah took a step towards Garrus, clasping her arms behind her back and eyeing him closely.

“You are so much more than my daughter’s XO, aren’t you, Officer Vakarian?” Hannah asked him. Shepard stepped to the side.

Garrus didn’t flinch. He stood a little taller, imposing at his full seven feet. He looked to Shepard and she smiled at him. _It’s up to you what you want to tell her, Garrus_ , she thought.

“Yes,” was his cryptic reply.

“How much more?” Hannah Shepard asked, her smile increasing. Shepard wasn’t entirely sure what to make of her mother’s facial expression. _Is she mocking him? Is she happy? This day is so confusing…_

“I’m in love with her,” Garrus replied blankly. “In fact, she has agreed to marry me.”

“I like you, Vakarian,” Hannah Shepard said, taking a step back and crossing her arms in a gesture that Shepard realized she unconsciously imitated. _That’s a little freaky_ , she thought, but shook her head as she tried to understand what was taking place. “Brave and sure of yourself. Two qualities that could be damning, but in your case, I find them quite suiting and entirely appropriate.”

“Wait, what?” Shepard finally said. Her mother turned to look at her then. “You hate turians.”

“Hate is such a strong word, Elizabeth. I fought in the First Contact War, so yes, for a long time I have held a strong dislike for them, but the galaxy has changed. In fact, _you_ have played a large part in changing it. I’m glad to see that despite your mother’s prejudices, you were able to move past them. For all our faults, it appears your father and I still did something right with you.” Hannah looked more carefully at her daughter. “I have tried to move past my feelings from the past as well. David informed me of the bravery of your turian officer here and his devotion not just to your cause but to you. It didn’t take much for me to put the pieces together. All I ask is that you let me speak to Garrus as I think your father would have wanted to.”

Shepard looked at Garrus who nodded, demonstrating his consent.

This was all too much. Shepard collapsed back onto the couch and motioned silently with her hand for her mother to continue.

“As you are well aware, Vakarian, my husband was very close to my daughter. Adam and I often discussed what kind of person we hoped our daughter would eventually find to spend her life with and I believe he would give his blessing to the two of you if you promised to do two things. First, will you do all you can to keep and protect my daughter from harm?”

“I always have and I always will,” Garrus responded.

“Will you love her and respect her?”

“Forever,” he answered as he looked at Shepard with warm eyes.

Hannah Shepard nodded and her smile deepened. She turned to her daughter and extended her hand, pulling the younger woman off the couch and gripping her in a firm embrace.

“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered. When she pulled back to look at her daughter, Hannah continued. “I believe that your father would want you to be happy, regardless of the race of your companion. I want the same thing. I have had time to become accustomed to the idea – Steven and David passed me updates more often than you know. You have chosen well, dear. All the best to you both.”

Shepard leaned forward as her mother gripped both sides of her head and let the older woman kiss her on the forehead. The day had been unreal. Her mother had never shown her such affection – but perhaps six years apart and a galactic war really could change a person. Whatever the reason, Shepard was grateful for the miracle of her softer, gentler, loving mother.

“You don’t escape, Garrus. If I’m to be your mother-in-law, you have to submit to the mother’s hug. Regardless of the outcome of this war, I want you to remember that Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard considered you family.”

Garrus smiled and bent down to receive a hug from Hannah. Shepard crossed her arms and almost laughed at the spectacle. She was quite certain that her mother had never touched a turian before, let alone hugged one. The picture was – humorous, to say the least.

“I’m afraid I can’t stay much longer,” Hannah said with a sad look as she turned back to Shepard, “but I noticed you have an instrument in this apartment. Would you mind playing something for me before I have to go? One of my favorite things to do was listen to you and your father play together.”

Shepard looked at the piano in the corner. She hadn’t touched it yet since visiting the apartment and she was sure she was rusty, but there was one song she would never forget.

“Sure, Mom. I’d love to,” she said quietly. Hannah settled next to Garrus on the couch and Shepard assumed her position at the piano bench. She quickly played a couple of scales to accustom herself to the touch of the new instrument and then closed her eyes. She could almost feel her father next to her as she found her fingers’ positions.

She opened her eyes and started to play.

 

_“Somewhere over the rainbow…”_

 

And as the words left her mouth and her fingers stroked the keys, her heart swelled with contentment – her mother and her love watching and listening as she brought her father’s memory to life.


	25. The Best

_She awoke to the sound of the piano from downstairs. She knew Liara could play a few plaintive melodies, but this music was different. Calming yet sad, peaceful yet pleading in a way that Shepard couldn’t describe._

_She sat up slowly, careful not to disturb the turian sleeping next to her. She gently brushed her fingers along the side of his face and padded barefoot out of the bedroom._

_The music was louder now that she was in the hallway. Her heart pounded in her chest as she moved forward. She walked past her crewmembers, some passed out in bedrooms with the doors open, others simply passed out on a spare couch or even on the floor. She thought it strange that no one else heard the music, but upon further reflection it made sense. It_ had _been quite a party, and lately, Shepard hadn’t been sleeping well. It was not completely strange that she was the only one awoken by the soft noise._

_Her feet made no sound as she tread cautiously down the stairs. When she reached the ground floor and rounded the corner of the fireplace, she froze in place at the sight of the person who was the origin of the nostalgic melody._

_Somehow, she willed herself forward. She rounded the last couch and approached the bench from behind. The person playing the piano didn’t stop or look at her. She simply stared at the back of a head of blonde hair as she reached a shaking hand forward and gently touched the sloping shoulder of the mystery player._

_She nearly fell over when the music stopped and its creator spun around slowly on the bench to face her._

_Bright green eyes stared back at her with an earnest smile._

_“I was wondering how long it would take you to hear me, Lizzie Baby.”_

_Shepard choked back a sob._

_“Dad?”_

_“Who else would be here?” he said, standing and pulling her into a tight hold. Shepard reached her arms around the man holding her and squeezed back with all her might._

_But that was when the realization hit her._

_“You’re not really here,” she whispered and pulled back from the ghost of an embrace._

_“That depends on your definition of ‘here’,” the image of Adam Shepard said as he tucked a stray hair behind Shepard’s ear and his smile widened._

_“I miss you so much, Dad,” she said softly, tears springing to her eyes._

_“I know, sweetheart, and I’m sorry I had to leave you so soon.”_

_“I saw Mom.”_

_“I know that, too. I was there. You just couldn’t see me.”_

_“You know I don’t believe in that bullshit, Dad.”_

_“It’s never too late to start.” He winked at her then and laughed – a laugh she knew all too well. “Maybe your turian fiancé is right. Maybe there are spirits all around us.”_

_“That is not really a comforting thought.”_

_“No, it’s really not, is it?”_

_“Not at all. It’s kind of creepy.”_

_Adam Shepard chuckled at her last comment and sat back down on the piano bench, motioning for her to sit next to him._

_“So what do you think I am?” he asked._

_“A figment of my imagination brought on by entirely too much alcohol and a recent meeting with your wife,” she said quickly._

_“A very logical explanation.” Shepard looked at the image of her father next to her and her heart ached in her chest. She had never dreamt about him before. She thought about him often, but never had he manifested in her subconscious until now._

_She didn’t want to wake up._

_“Now, now, don’t start thinking like that,” he chided._

_“You’re the first person in my dreams to read my mind,” she grumbled._

_“Probably not the first to do it, since you believe I’m a ‘figment of your imagination’, but maybe the first to use it to his advantage.”_

_“You always were a conniving bastard,” she teased and bumped her shoulder against her father’s._

_“And I taught you well.” He returned the shoulder bump._

_They were quiet for several moments. Shepard watched her father’s ghost closely, studying him as she never had in life, memorizing every detail of his face. She hoped when she woke up that it would all still be fresh in her mind, but she knew the nature of dreams._

_And she knew the reality of waking up from them._

_“It’s going to get worse,” he said, breaking the silence._

_Shepard sighed. “I know. I’ve known for a long time, I guess.”_

_“Just…whatever happens, don’t give up, Lizzie Baby.”_

_“You know I won’t, Dad.”_

_“I know, but I wanted you to hear me tell you.” He paused and looked down at his hands. “There’s something else I wanted to tell you while I’m here,” he said slowly. “Something you need to remember.”_

_Shepard said nothing. She stared at her father and waited for him to explain. Eventually, he stopped fiddling with his fingernails in his lap and met her gaze._

_“In the darkest hour, there is always a way out.”_

Random _, she thought._ And yet familiar…where have I heard that before?

_“You care to elaborate on that little gem of wisdom?” she asked with one eyebrow raised. Her father chuckled._

_“Nope,” he said, slapping his hands on his thighs and spinning back around to face the keys. “You’ll know what it means when the time comes.”_

_Shepard turned back around with him and placed her head on the imagined shoulder of her father. She watched his deft hands stroke the keys as she had watched him so many times throughout her life._

_“You know,” Adam Shepard said in between musical phrases. “There’s a certain turian who’s already awake next to you. He’s watching over you while you sleep.”_

_“He’s good at that,” she sighed._

_“I like him,” her father said._

_“That means a lot, Dad. Thanks.”_

_Her father resumed the soft melody, inclining his head to rest on top of hers briefly._

_“I have to go soon,” he whispered._

_“I know,” she replied._

_“Why don’t you play with me before I go?”_

_“I don’t know this song.”_

_“I’ll teach you.”_

_Shepard sat up and looked at her father again. He smiled at her as she placed her fingers on the keys an octave above his own. She mirrored his movements as he showed her phrase after phrase, committing each musical sentence to memory. Eventually, her father stopped playing and let her finish the short piece on her own._

 

Shepard could still feel her father’s arm around her shoulder as she slowly began to wake. But when she opened her eyes, she realized it wasn’t the arm of her father she felt, but the warm embrace of Garrus holding her while she slept. And although she was sad the vision of her father was gone, she smiled as she met the blue eyes of her favorite turian next to her.

“Oh…what a night…” she groaned, lightly rubbing sleep from her eyes. “But look who’s here.”

Garrus smiled at her as he raised himself to a sitting position. “Yeah, I hung out a lot of places last night…” He leaned over her with a warm glint in his eye. “Your upper body, your lower body, pretty much all the parts in between.”

She caught his mouth with her own. The tangy, earthy smell of Garrus’s skin flooded her nostrils, making her forget about her dream long enough to wholeheartedly enjoy the fact that she was truly awake.

“Turians certainly don’t lack for a sense of direction,” she whispered.

“And you don’t lack for places to get lost.”

She smiled as they both rolled slowly out of bed, cracking their necks and other joints. “Let’s see if anyone else is up,” she said, rubbing the back of her neck with the palm of her hand.

She toured the apartment, finding all her crew strewn throughout the spacious loft. That was expected.

What she didn’t expect was the sense of déjà vu she felt as she found each of her friends. And it wasn’t until she made her way to the kitchen and caught sight of the piano in the corner of the living room that she realized why.

Everyone was in the same places they were in her dream.

How would she have known where they all ended up after the party? It was only a dream…

She shook her head as Vega went on and on to her about his eggs. She could think of all sorts of jokes to make in that regard, but she refrained. Looking toward the piano, the feelings from her dream came flooding back.

_It’s not really that strange that I dreamed everyone was where I found them_ , she tried to convince herself. _Not really…_

She had spoken with everyone before closing the door to her bedroom and ending the perfect day with her love. The party had been winding down long before she and Garrus had tucked themselves away into the privacy of a locked room. Some people had already been passed out before she left them alone. People wouldn’t have moved that much from where she saw them last. That made sense.

But still, something about the dream felt…different.

Her friends were slowly moving around, nursing hangovers and recovering articles of clothing.

Shepard moved slowly toward the piano.

Tentatively, she plunked out the first few notes of a melody she wasn’t sure she knew.

It was all still there. She could remember it in her fingers – in her heart. She closed her eyes and pictured her father at the piano instead of herself, a smile unconsciously gracing her face.

“I’ve never heard that song before,” she heard Garrus’s voice behind her.

“I hadn’t either,” she opened her eyes and turned around. “I, uh, dreamt it last night.”

“You dreamt up a new song?” Garrus asked with raised browplates.

“I guess,” she shrugged. “Who knew I was so creative?” She expected Garrus to smirk at her, but he did just the opposite.

“I did, Lizzie,” he said. “Anyone who has seen you in action,” he leaned closer so only she could hear, “on the battlefield or off, would know how creative you can be.”

She snorted and pushed him away. “Watch it, Vakarian, if you want to keep me in a creative mood.”

“Wouldn’t want to ruin that.” His mandibles flared as she looked over her shoulder at him.

“Help me spread the word,” she sighed. “Duty calls.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

The haunting melody would not leave his head. There was something about the strange notes Shepard had played on the piano that troubled Garrus. It was beautiful. She was talented. But the whole scene seemed to come out of nowhere.

She had seemed fine the night before. The party had been amazing. Garrus had a good time himself, but he had had an even better time as he watched his Lizzie relax and enjoy herself. Surrounded by her closest friends, Shepard had actually let herself go and have fun and Garrus couldn’t have had a better time because of that.

He did as she asked and rounded up the remnants of the crew. Aspirin had been distributed, but everyone was nursing some pretty strong headaches. Garrus led the pack as they found shuttles to take them back to the docking bay – to the Normandy.

They all saw her at the same time. Somehow, Shepard had beat everyone to the docking hangar. Garrus smiled as he saw her. He enjoyed moments when he could just look at her and she didn’t know he was there. She was breathtaking, leaning forward against the railing, admiring the ship she loved through the windows of the docking bay.

Garrus wasn’t surprised that he was not the only member of the crew that naturally gravitated to stand near her instead of heading straight for the ship. He sidled up next to her and leaned forward against the railing, catching her eye.

“So, I guess it’s back to the fight?” he asked.

She snorted and looked away. “At least we threw one hell of a party.” But then the look in her eye changed when the Normandy came into view again. “Probably the last one.”

Garrus didn’t like the sound of that. He didn’t like the sound of that at all.

“That doesn’t sound like my girl,” he said, trying to sound comforting. “You’ll find a way to win.” He reached for her hand, twining his three fingers with her smaller five. “And when this is over, I’ll be waiting for you.”

 

_“Okay, Garrus,” she whispered. “_ When _we win this war, we will get married on Palaven.”_

 

A vision flashed through Garrus’s mind – a vision of Shepard in a blue dress at the Vakarian estate on Palaven.

When _we win this war_ , he thought and gripped her hand tighter.

She didn’t respond. She weakly smiled and looked back at the ship. He tried a new tactic.

“Best times of my life were spent on that ship. Been a damn good ride,” he said with a low voice. He stood up straighter and looked at her. Shepard was still staring at the ship.

Garrus sighed. He wasn’t getting through. He decided that the best thing he could do was give her space for now.

But as he walked past her, the tension in his shoulders relaxed when he heard her say quietly, “The best.”

He didn’t have to turn around to know she was jogging after him. He knew those footfalls almost as well as he knew his own. Garrus turned with a smile to see the woman he loved run up next to him and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He felt her small hand creep around his waist and pulled her closer.

“The best,” he whispered into her ear as they entered the airlock of the Normandy.


	26. Let Her Be

The ship was surprisingly quiet as Garrus headed for the Main Battery. Shore leave was over and it seemed everyone felt the change keenly – Garrus included. He hadn’t liked the downward tilt of Shepard’s head as she stared at the Normandy from the docking bay, but he couldn’t blame her for feeling the way she did. When he thought about it, he realized he felt it too – the whole crew felt it.

They all knew they were nearing the end of this journey. One way or another, it would all be over soon. The only difference between the crew’s mood and Shepard’s was the expected outcome. The crew believed Shepard would win.

Shepard did not and Garrus knew it.

Garrus himself believed Shepard would win, but he knew his Lizzie too well to ignore the pursed lips, the dark circles under her eyes, and her rapidly shrinking waist. She would protest otherwise until she was blue in the face, but Garrus knew better. The stress she was under was visible and he knew she didn’t expect to live to see victory.

That was why Garrus knew he had to be stronger than he had ever been before. He knew he had to protect her and hold her up as much as possible – to sustain her through this conflict and see her come out alive on the other end, even if Shepard didn’t believe it herself.

The white light of the mess faded to the red of the battery corridor. As Garrus motioned for the door to open, he was completely unprepared for what he found there. To the right of the door was Tali, head in her hands, sitting on the cot he had used only once since arriving on the ship. From the sounds she was making and the fogged condition of her helmet, Garrus could tell she had been crying for a while before he arrived. He quickly stepped into the room and locked the door behind him. Taking a seat next to his friend, he said quietly, “Tali? Spirits…what’s wrong?”

She sniffed and looked up at him.

“It’s Kal,” she said softly. Garrus’s mandibles pulled tight against his face. He knew what was coming.

“Oh, Tali –“ he began, but she interrupted him before he could continue.

“Auntie Raan contacted me just before we left the Citadel,” Tali continued, her voice quivering. “She said they received word that Kal and his team…sacrificed their lives while repairing and defending a comm tower on Palaven.”

Garrus didn’t know what to say. He was never very good at this kind of thing. With Shepard it was easier – he could kiss her and hold her and whisper that everything would be all right. They both knew it was only a temporary fix, but it still worked. Those were not things he could do for Tali.

In the end, he simply wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gripped her tight. She let her head fall into the crook of his arm and released another sob.

“I didn’t know who else to talk to,” she whispered.

“You can always talk to me,” he said, his heart warmed that Tali had thought to come to him at all, but then he had another thought. “You know that Shepard would always listen to you, too.”

“She has too much on her mind right now,” Tali shook her head. “You know that better than most of us, I’m sure. With tracking down the Illusive Man, I didn’t want to bother her with my….personal problems.”

“Tali, you know she would _want_ you to talk to her.”

“I know she would. But that’s why you can’t tell her.”

“She’s your best friend –“

“And I’m hers. That’s exactly why I don’t want to burden her with this right now.”

Tali sat up and straightened her shoulders. She looked at Garrus again, her eyes glowing through her helmet, which was quickly becoming less fogged.

“Shepard has the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders,” Tali said, her composure somewhat regained. “She has you to help her, but the last thing I want to do is have her worry about me right now. And you’re exactly right – she _is_ my best friend, and that’s why I know she would feel my pain as if it were her own. I will tell her when the time is right – _after_ we kick some Reaper ass and send those bastards back to the dark corner of the universe they crawled out of.”

“Damn straight.” Garrus nodded and flicked his mandibles in response.

“You talk like a human sometimes, Garrus,” Tali teased and poked his shoulder.

“Well, I am engaged to one.”

“You sound more like Joker than Shepard.”

“Oh, that’s not good.”

Tali laughed at him then, a real, true, hearty laugh and Garrus couldn’t help but smile at her again.

“Thanks, Garrus,” she said warmly.

“For what?” he asked.

“For making me laugh. I needed that.”

“That’s what big brothers are for.”

Tali wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Garrus thought he heard her sniff again, but he just pulled her close. Finally, she released him and stood to go.

“One thing, Tali,” he said, standing up to meet her gaze. “Shepard has you tagged for the mission to Horizon. Do you want me to recommend she let you off this time?”

“Of course not,” she responded quickly. “She would know something was wrong. The best thing for me right now is to stay busy and being near you and Shepard will help me more than staying on the ship.”

Garrus nodded. “Ok, as long as you think you can handle it, I will keep you on.”

Tali turned to leave, but then spun around to face Garrus again.

“Don’t lose her, Garrus,” she said. Garrus didn’t expect that at all, and he had no response prepared. “And don’t be a martyr and put yourself in danger to save someone else either. Anyone who knows the two of you also knows that you hold each other up. There’s no way Shepard can defeat the Reapers without you and I know you would go crazy without her. Keep her safe, but don’t be suicidal.”

“That’s quite a tall order, Tali,” Garrus said slowly. “You know I’ll do anything to keep Shepard safe. I would die for her if I have –“

“We all know that, Garrus.” Tali reached out and grabbed his forearm firmly. “Kal and I had something special, but it was nothing like what you and Shepard have. Trust me, she needs you just as much as you need her.”

He stared into the glowing eyes of his friend for a few moments, mulling over what she had just said. He couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t give his life for Shepard, but he understood what Tali was trying to say.

_Don’t be a fool, Vakarian_ , he thought. _That’s what she’s trying to say. Keep your wits, because Shepard needs you alive._

“I will do my best, Tali. That’s all I can promise right now.”

He could tell she didn’t like his response, but she also seemed resigned to the fact that it was impossible for him to promise what she wanted.

What she really wanted was reassurance that she wouldn’t lose either of her best friends, and that was something Garrus couldn’t guarantee.

She didn’t say another word. She simply released his arm and Garrus unlocked the Battery door. He watched her leave, his heart heavy with a sense of foreboding that shook him to his core.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

She should have known better than to think she could be alone for long, and truth be told, she wasn’t really sure she wanted to be alone right now. She didn’t have to admit she was grateful when Garrus entered her cabin.

“Shepard,” he said as he came down the stairs. “Thought you might be up here.”

At the sight of her turian XO, her face softened.

“It’s you,” she whispered. The look on her face must have divulged more than she meant it to, because Garrus’s mandibles flicked with concern against his face.

“You know what the best part is about a battle that decides the whole fate of the galaxy?” He sat down next to her and reached for her hand.

“Winning it?” She smiled.

“I was thinking it’s a good excuse to remind the ones you care about that,” he looked at her closely,” that well, you care about them. Want some company?”

“You read my mind.” She put down her datapad and leaned into Garrus’s extended arm. She sighed with exhaustion as he stroked his fingers through her hair.

 “I just got your mission detail,” he said. “You sure you’re ready to head into this so soon?”

Shepard pulled back to look at him. “What would my XO suggest?”

“A break in between missions perhaps?” he said seriously.

“The Reapers aren’t taking breaks!” Shepard stood up in frustration. “The Reapers don’t take shore leave or time off to sleep! They don’t rotate schedules or team rosters! To beat them, we have to push forward. Attacking Patsy-Bob may begin a collision course with the Reapers, but it was bound to happen sooner rather than later. It’s all coming to a head, Garrus. Don’t you feel it?”

She could hear the rising agitation in her own voice. Her green eyes met his piercing blue ones. She could tell he wanted to say something, but all he did was nod in agreement. He slowly rose and wrapped her in his arms. They didn’t speak for several moments. Shepard leaned into Garrus’s embrace and tried to memorize how it felt to have him hold her – the feeling of his breath rising against her chest, his talons stroking her back, her shoulders, her hair.

Eventually, his voice rumbled against her chest.

“What we found in Sanctuary really got to you, didn’t it?” he asked softly.

“Didn’t it get to you?” she responded.

“Of course it did. It bothered all of us,” he continued and pulled her away by her shoulders to look at her again. “But I’m worried that you took it too hard – too personally.”

“I take everything in this war personally, Garrus. It became personal when fucking Saren killed Nihlus and it hasn’t let up since!” Her voice was higher pitched than she had intended. Even she was startled, but Garrus didn’t flinch. “I’m sorry,” she began, shaking her head. “I didn’t mean to bring him up. I just –“

“Lizzie, stop. We’ve been through enough together, I haven’t felt insecure about Nihlus for a long time. And he meant something to you – there’s nothing wrong with that. I hope you know it doesn’t bother me if you remember him fondly.” She tried to muster a smile as Garrus tilted her chin up towards him with a single finger. “What I’m worried about has nothing to do with Nihlus and everything to do with you taking too much on yourself.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” she threw her hands up in the air in frustration and turned to look at the fish swimming peacefully in their tank. She walked toward them, envious of their ignorance, and leaned one arm against the glass. “Somehow in this fucked up galaxy, the responsibility fell to me.”

“It didn’t just fall to you,” he said and Shepard could feel his warm breath on her neck as he crept up behind her and slid his arms around her waist. “You’ve never been alone in this.”

She closed her eyes and reached down to cover his warm hands with her own as she crossed her arms over her chest in response. Garrus gripped her fingers. As Shepard returned his grasp, she realized her hands were shaking. _Shaking from what?_ , she wondered. _Fear? Rage? Frustration?_

_Grief_ , she concluded. _So many lives lost for what? Science? Personal gain? Greed?_

“We’re not just fighting an enemy of civilization,” she said aloud. “We’re fighting ourselves.”

She turned her back on the fish tank and wrapped her hands around Garrus’s neck, his touch the only thing that stopped her from shaking.

“We can’t fight a war against the Reapers and ourselves. But we can’t _make_ people do what’s right either.” Shepard cocked her head to the side at a sudden revelation. “And you know what? That’s exactly what we’re fighting for – a future where we are free to choose our paths for ourselves. A future where people can choose to be good or evil. A future where our lives are not defined by a ‘cycle’ that demands peace – where we are not harvested by a group of machines that claim we can’t comprehend their purpose. Part of me is disgusted by the fact that I’m fighting a war so people like Patsy-Bob can choose to be Patsy-Bob, but it’s the truth – the hard truth is that’s exactly what I’m doing. And I think that’s what upsets me the most.”

That was why her hands shook – because she knew she wasn’t just fighting to win so good would beat evil. She was fighting so that even evil could choose to be evil.

She was fighting so everyone could make that choice for themselves.

Garrus brought her out of her thoughts with a gentle stroke of his finger down her cheek. She looked up at him, eyes moist but holding on. He caught her mouth in a kiss as soon as she met his gaze and Shepard sighed with relief.

There were no words to comfort her. Garrus knew this and didn’t try to placate her with empty phrases. He simply let her be.

She didn’t resist as he pulled back from her grasp around his neck and reached for her hand. She didn’t fight him when he sat on the couch and pulled her on top of him, her legs straddling his waist. She shuddered in the cold of the room as he pulled her shirt over her head but felt her body respond to the warm touch of Garrus’s hands on her waist. Shepard felt her heart pumping hard, but not in the same way it had earlier when she thought of the horrors of Horizon. Her blood rushed to her face as Garrus traced the lines of her jaw with his teeth and tongue, his hands calming her with their gentle touch.

She bent her head and placed soft kisses along Garrus’s neck, relishing the salty taste of his skin. Her experienced hands made quick work of the clasps on his civvies as she distracted him with her own teeth and tongue on his more sensitive places. Garrus wasted no time himself, finding an opportunity to strip her of her remaining clothes.

When they were both disrobed, Shepard stood over her turian, her legs pressed together between his knees. Garrus’s long arms were still wrapped around her waist as she braced herself above him with her hands on his shoulders. She could feel his talons scratching her back in slow circles, forcing her flesh to break into goosebumps, but he didn’t push her. He waited patiently while she looked at him, his eyes full of a love that held her up even when all seemed dark.

When she finally let herself back down on top of him, she felt the tremors in his voice as he released a sigh of pleasure. She kept her eyes open and watched his reaction as she rocked her hips into him, pushing him deeper and deeper within her. His head had tipped back over the edge of the couch, his fringe dangerously close to touching the back of it. Garrus’s fingers still trailed all over her body as she moved around him, alternating speeds and directions as much as she could, using his shoulders as leverage.

A few minutes passed that way, but eventually, Garrus brought up his head and opened his eyes to look at her. She could see desire behind those blue eyes and shuddered as he brought one of his hands around to caress her center, just above where their bodies were joined. Usually when Garrus did that, Shepard would throw her own head back and close her eyes, but she wanted to watch her lover this time. She wanted to see how he wanted her. She wanted to study the way he looked at her while they moved together and passed over into a world where no one else could follow them.

When she felt her climax rising, Shepard leaned forward in the gesture that Garrus usually initiated. His eyes had not left hers as they had watched each other move and her own eyes widened when her ecstasy hit her. Foreheads pressed together, Shepard could see her reflection in her lover’s eyes when he called her name.

She didn’t collapse into him like she usually did when it was over. She stayed astride him and let her hands wander, tracing the scars on his face and neck, lightly caressing his cowl and shoulders with her fingertips. And the whole time, Shepard watched Garrus as he watched her.

But they couldn’t stay like that forever. Both of them knew it, and as Shepard sighed, preparing to pull herself to her feet and into the shower, Garrus gripped her hand and pulled her back to him.

“Hmmm….guess I’m getting pretty good at this…” he said with a grin. She raised a contented eyebrow at him, but let him drag her back into his lap. “But some more practice won’t hurt.”

The war could wait an hour more.


	27. I Love This Ship

The thrum of the drive core vibrated within Shepard’s ribcage as she leaned against the railing in front of her. It was a strangely hypnotic feeling as she let the sensation roll through her. Donnelly and Gabby had nodded at her as she passed them. Adams had tossed her a knowing look, but none of the engineers said anything to her as she headed for the heart of the Normandy. And now, looking up into the core that propelled her ship, Shepard let the events of the last few hours wash over her.

She didn’t cry. That much hadn’t changed about her yet. She may be exhausted and over-extended, her sanity on the brink of collapse, but she was still holding on.

To her surprise, one of the reasons she could still hold on walked up next to her and shut the door to the core behind them.

“Shepard.”

“Tali.”

“What brings you down here?” Tali leaned against the railing next to her.

“Oh, you know, the usual,” Shepard shrugged. “Making rounds after the mission and getting everyone prepped for what’s coming. Although, I’m not sure any of us can really be prepared for what’s next.”

“You can say that again,” Tali nodded. They stood in silence for a while, but eventually, Shepard decided to confess something to her friend.

“I let my feelings take me over down there, Tali,” she said.

“And you had every right to, Shepard.”

“Whether I had a right to or not, I can’t do that where we’re headed. I have to keep my head on straight when we reach Earth.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Tali asked, crossing her arms. Shepard didn’t respond, acknowledging Tali’s concern with her stillness. “Kai Leng’s a bastard and he deserved every bit of what you did to him.”

“That’s not the problem.” Shepard sighed as she tried to find a way to say what was on her mind. “I felt like I had no control over myself – like my rage and fear pushed me forward in a way that I’ve never felt before. I’ve had plenty of adrenaline rushes, but nothing like that. It was…a little scary – even for me.”

“If it’s any consolation,” Tali said, “you didn’t look any different to me. The same bad ass Shepard you’ve been since I met you.”

Shepard grunted and looked over at her friend to see the trace of a smile through Tali’s mask.

“Thanks, Tali,” she smiled. “I’m not sure that helps, but I appreciate you saying it.”

They returned to their silent vigil, watching over the Normandy’s engine systems while the ship brought them closer and closer to Earth. To the front lines of the war. To the Reapers.

To their destiny.

“I love this ship,” Shepard finally said, slightly breathless. Tali said nothing, so Shepard took a deep breath and continued. “Wanna know why?”

Tali nodded in response.

“This ship has taken me places that I could never have dreamed of – not even as a spacer kid who grew up on ships and space stations. I have met the most amazing people from all over the galaxy and this ship has taken me to all those places. I have traveled with soldiers who have been my best friends and I have spent the last three years of my life, well….at least the parts I was alive for, with the love of my life – all on board the Normandy.”

She turned to the side and faced Tali. Her friend turned to look at her and Shepard crossed her arms.

“And through everything, this ship has always led us out of things safely. Even Alchera – in a way, that catastrophe wasn’t a catastrophe at all. Hell, if I hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have been given my ‘improvements’ and who knows if we could have done what we’ve done without my crazy cybernetic implants.”

Shepard chuckled, but coughed uncomfortably when Tali didn’t laugh in response.

“Most of the good that has happened in my life, I owe in part to this ship.”

A contented sigh passed her lips as she reflected on the time she had spent on board the Normandy. Everything she said to Tali was true – she really did love the ship and she loved the life she had lived on it.

She moved for the door and motioned to exit. Tali walked next to her, keeping her pace. Shepard had more to say, but she wanted Adams and Donnelly and Gabby to hear her next words. She wanted them to pass along what they had heard. She wanted the whole crew to hear what she would say next.

“And you know what else this ship is going to do?” She turned to Tali as they reached Adams’ engineering station. Tali continued walking with her but still said nothing.

“This ship is going to blast the Reapers back to hell. And _that_ is why I fucking love this ship.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“Dad?”

“ _I’m here, son._ ”

It was a strange feeling. All those years Garrus had spent avoiding conversations with his father, but now, he would give anything to see his father again.

“I can’t tell you what a relief it is to hear your voice,” he said. Garrus sat down on the cot in the battery, putting away the algorithm he had been trying to compute to distract himself from their current mission. The attack on the Illusive Man’s base had done what they all feared – alerted the Reapers to the Crucible and the Catalyst. Even worse, the Catalyst – the Citadel – was orbiting Earth. Hackett had ordered all allied forces to Earth, and the Normandy, the flagship of the galactic resistance against the Reapers, was currently on course to assist in the battle.

_“The feeling is mutual, Garrus. Solana sends you her love. Hopefully, this will all end well and we can be together soon as a family. There is much to tell you.”_ There was a hint of something in Tavius Vakarian’s voice that made Garrus uneasy. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but something was off.

“Where are you now?” he asked.

_“We are accompanying Victus and the Sixth Fleet to Earth.”_

“You are headed to Earth? Dad. Don’t. Take Sol and head to –“

_“Where would we go, son? The Reapers will be everywhere soon. Both your sister and I want to be a part of this fight. You can’t expect us to hide and wait while so many of our friends and kindred are fighting to save us all.”_

Garrus sighed and hung his head. He knew his father was right, but he had hoped that once his family made it off Palaven that they would remain somewhere safe – that they would manage to pass through the war unscathed.

But he also knew his father and sister better than that.

_“Garrus…”_ His father’s voice crackled over the comm again. _“How is Shepard?”_

Garrus was touched that his father thought to ask about Shepard. “She’s…as well as can be expected, I guess,” he replied. He could almost hear his father nod.

_“She has an immense amount of pressure on her shoulders. I will be proud to call her part of our family. Even with a war on, I noticed your application with the Hierarchy. I am pleased she accepted you and Victus has told me of his support.”_

Garrus shook his head and said, “It seems wrong to be happy about something like that when we are headed for –“

_“It’s not wrong, son,”_ his father interrupted. _“Let it be something that pushes you to fight, to win, to survive.”_

“If anyone can lead us out of this war alive,” Garrus began, “it’s her.”

_“I believe you. She is even more than any of us expected. She’s done something none of the Council races ever accomplished before – she has united the galaxy. Also, your sister is very excited to have a sister of her own, so keep Shepard alive and we will all go home to Palaven together.”_

“That’s what I want more than anything, Dad.”

There was silence on the line. Garrus didn’t know what else to say. Luckily, he didn’t have to say anything. Shepard’s voice came over the speaker in the battery.

_“Garrus, are you there? Hackett’s coming aboard and I want you with me.”_

“I’ll be right there,” he replied. Her voice was gone as quickly as it came.

_“Sounds like your Commander needs you and that’s my cue to get back to my duties as well,”_ Tavius said.

“Me too.”

_“Take care of Shepard, but take care of yourself too, Garrus. You’re no good to her dead.”_

“You’re not the first person to tell me that,” Garrus tried to laugh.

_“Then that makes my advice even stronger. And Garrus – your  mother would be proud of you.”_ Garrus held his breath as his father was still for a moment. _“I – I’m proud of you. I love you, son.”_

For the first time in his life, Garrus heard those three words from his father. He almost couldn’t speak, but when Shepard pinged him on his omni-tool to ask him why he wasn’t in the CIC yet, he shook his head and said, “I love you, too, Dad.”

_“Spirits protect you. See you on the other end.”_

The line went silent. With a lighter heart than usual, Garrus left the battery and headed for the elevator.

_Spirits protect you, too, Dad. Spirits protect us all._


	28. Stand Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This installment of my project is soon coming to an end. The next few chapters are all written and I am editing them today. I will be posting them as soon as I finish going over them again this afternoon. A fitting 4th of July post - Happy Independence Day to you Americans out there as I post the final installments of the Mass Effect human fight for independence against the Reapers for this Shepard, her turian XO, and her loyal band of friends!
> 
> Stay tuned for an important announcement at the end of the last chapter. ;)

“All fleets reporting in, Sir.”

Traynor’s voice floated to Garrus as he exited the elevator. He saw Shepard standing near him and caught her eye as he moved to stand next to her. Turning, he saw Admiral Hackett in front of him. The human leader walked up the steps to the galaxy map and opened his mouth to speak.

“Never before have so many come together – from all quarters of the galaxy,” Hackett said over the comm. 

Garrus thought back briefly to his conversation with his father only a few moments before. He never forgot for a moment how amazing Shepard was, but sometimes, he failed to recall that among all her many accomplishments, she had done more than gain victory in battle – she had gained the respect of almost all advanced races in the galaxy. He knew that somewhere, his father was listening to this speech by Hackett right now and thinking the same thing about the woman who would be his daughter-in-law.

It was horrible timing, but Garrus couldn’t help but feel his chest swell with pride. He glanced to the side to see Shepard giving him a half-smile, quirking her brows at him with one of the expressions he loved – the one that said _I know what you’re thinking._ He grinned at her briefly before returning his attention to Hackett’s speech.

“We will prevail,” the Admiral said. “Each of us will be defined by our actions in the coming battle. Stand fast. Stand strong. Stand together.”

Garrus looked at Shepard again. She was staring intently at Hackett’s back, listening to his every word. Everyone knew that the only reason they had a chance in this war was because of Shepard’s efforts to unite the many races of the galaxy. They could only stand together because of what this one woman had done for all of them.

And as Garrus watched her green eyes, serious and perceptive, he marveled at the fact that she loved him. Not only did she love him, but she claimed that he had helped make her who she was.

Garrus’s eyes became distant as he recalled that fateful night so long ago when he first met Lizzie Shepard. Had it been chance? No, it couldn’t be. There had to be some force greater than them, something that directed their paths and brought them together. Garrus refused to believe it was sure luck that brought him to the Flux the same night that a young Lizzie Shepard had put herself in danger and he was there to pick up the pieces. He also wasn’t sure he believed that his seemingly insignificant actions on that day had had such a profound effect on her – Garrus firmly held that Shepard would have been just as strong without him – but in the quiet of _their_ quarters, she whispered that she didn’t know what she would do without him.

He could only hope that she knew how lost he would be without her as well.

“Hackett out.”

The leader of the Systems Alliance stepped down and turned to face them.

“Shepard,” he said. “The Sword fleets are ready to strike at the Reapers surrounding Earth.” Shepard tossed Garrus a look that said, _Stay here, I’ll update you as soon as I can_ , and Garrus nodded. He knew her head movements. He knew her glances.

He could read her without words.

“While they keep the enemy engaged, you and Hammer ground forces can take London.”

“London?” Garrus watched Shepard turn and face Hackett as they approached the door to the War Room. “Why aren’t we hitting the Citadel directly?”

“Anderson can brief you on that,” Hackett replied, and Shepard and the Admiral disappeared behind the door.

Garrus wasn’t sure what to make of the last bit of the conversation he had heard. A ground assault when the Reapers were holding the Citadel in orbit sounded risky to Garrus, but he couldn’t voice his concerns to Shepard now.

“Officer Vakarian.” Traynor’s voice startled him. He quickly walked toward her.

“Traynor.”

“I believe I can give you a heads up about what’s going on groundside,” she said, lowering her voice and looking at him out of the corner of her eye while furiously typing at her station. She must have noticed the look of concern on his face when Hackett mentioned taking London and Garrus nodded at her to continue.

“I’ve picked up enough ground chatter to piece together why you will be making a ground assault,” Traynor’s voice was so low Garrus almost couldn’t hear her. He leaned in closer as she explained. “The Reapers are transporting humans, alive and dead, to the Citadel through the use of a beam centered in London. The Citadel arms are closed and Hades cannons are stopping Alliance forces from making a frontal assault. I believe your ground team is meant to help take out the cannons so we can get someone to the beam and onto the Citadel. Hopefully, whoever makes it to the Citadel can open the arms and we can dock the Crucible.”

“You put all that together from some ground chatter?” Garrus asked.

“I’m _very_ good at my job,” Traynor smiled. Garrus would have laughed if the situation weren’t so dire.

“Thanks for the heads up, Traynor,” he said as he headed for the elevator. He didn’t hear her response as the door slid shut and he punched the button for the cargo hold. He sent a quick message to Tali to meet him there and was surprised to find her already near the Kodiak when he exited the elevator. Any soldiers in the area cleared out when they saw him taking long strides to meet her.

“What’s going on, Garrus? Why aren’t we headed straight for the Citadel?” Tali asked before he could get a word out.

“The Citadel’s arms are closed,” he said, keeping his voice low as Traynor had. No need to alert the crew to the problem before Shepard and Hackett decided to do so. He quickly explained the situation to Tali.

“Keelah,” she said. “As if this weren’t hard enough. We have to make a full frontal assault on the ground before we can even hope to get someone to the Citadel at all?”

“Sounds like it,” Garrus gritted his teeth. He didn’t like the plan, but he didn’t have to like it to do what needed to be done.

“How did Shepard take the news?”

“I don’t know. She was being briefed by Anderson in the vid comm room.”

“I guess all we can do is be prepared to watch her back.”

Garrus nodded but felt a knot forming in the pit of his stomach.

“Just like old times.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“This is it everyone. Be ready on my signal!” Shepard said into the comm. There was something strange about being the person whose voice commanded the combined fleets of the galaxy. It was oddly exhilarating, but also something she hoped to never have to do again.

“Fire!”

The mass of ships behind the Normandy fired in unison.

“On my command, engage the Reaper forces!”

 _“Roger that,”_ responded the Alliance marine in charge of leading the fighter squadrons. _“All fighters on me!”_

“Attack!” Shepard cried.

 _“Acknowledged.”_ Shepard watched the combined fighter assault on the Reapers in front of her. Her stomach did flips while she looked on at the sheer force and strength of the Reapers, knowing that soon, she would be on the ground fighting with her team. She winced as a Reaper beam sliced through one of the ships of the fleet, her head echoing with the nameless voices crying out in pain as their lives winked out.

“Breaking off,” Joker said, interrupting her thoughts. “Preparing for descent.” She watched Joker’s skilled hands fly the ship out of the battle and toward Earth’s surface. When she was sure they were clear of the fight, she turned to head for the elevator. There was something she needed to do before leaving the safety of the ship with her team.

“Commander.” Shepard turned to find Joker crawling out of his seat. To her surprise, he saluted her.

“Be careful down there,” he said.

Stunned by the sudden gesture, all Shepard could think to say was, “We’ll be fine. Stay focused.” She returned his salute and Joker relaxed.

“Aye, aye.”

Turning, Shepard resumed her journey to the elevator. She was surprised to find Liara waiting for her at the door.

“Shepard,” her friend said. “Do you have a minute?”

“Not really,” she responded. “But what do you need?”

“It’s not really about what _I_ need, it’s about what _you_ need.” That was not what Shepard expected. She motioned for Liara to follow her and entered the privacy of the elevator.

“I know what you are about to do. Traynor and I have been listening to lots of ground chatter,” Liara was wringing her hands.

“It’s a long shot, but it’s the only one we have,” Shepard said, her concern clearly evident in her voice. Liara picked up on her tone and her face softened.

“Shepard, you won’t be alone,” she said. “You will have Garrus and Tali with you and we will back you up from the Normandy.”

“I know, Liara.” Shepard was wont to say more. Her feelings were too transparent in this moment. The plan proposed by Hackett and Anderson sounded like a suicide mission, and while Shepard had survived suicide missions before, she did wonder when her luck would run out. Today might be the day.

“Garrus won’t let anything happen to you. Neither will Tali.”

“I’m not worried about myself.” Shepard found herself grinding her teeth together.

“Of course you’re not. You never are.” Liara grabbed her by the arm. “But you need to – “

She stopped just as the two of them reached the loft. Shepard brushed past Liara quickly and headed into her cabin.

“Shepard, aren’t you supposed to be in the cargo hold?” Liara asked. “Garrus and Tali are waiting for you there.”

“I’m well aware of where Garrus and Tali are, Liara.”

“I’m sorry, Shepard. I’m just worried about –“

Liara trailed off as Shepard reached inside the left drawer of her desk, pulling out a familiar trinket she hadn’t carried for a while. She tried to ignore the strange look Liara was giving her, but as she turned, Liara stopped her.

“What? I used to carry it around with me everywhere,” she shrugged at her friend. Liara smiled as she took the tiny turian action figure out of Shepard’s hand. Her amused expression made Shepard relax for a moment and she watched Liara turn the beat-up piece of plastic and metal over in her hand.

“I never took you for the superstitious type, Shepard.”

“Yeah, well, we could use a little luck today.” She snatched the figure from Liara’s fingers and placed it in the pocket where its familiar weight comforted her.

“You don’t need luck. You will pull through this.”

“That’s the plan.”

 “It’s good to hear you sound so confident,” Liara smiled. “I was afraid that – well, never mind. My fears were unfounded. I will leave you to your preparations. And Shepard – thank you, for everything. Be careful and I’ll see you at the FOB.”

Liara gripped her in a tight hug. Shepard returned the embrace and sighed. She wanted to say something. She wanted to tell Liara how she truly felt. She longed to confide her fears in someone, anyone. She didn’t want to die again, but this mission seemed hopeless. Shepard couldn’t find a possible scenario in her head where everything went according to plan and they all lived happily ever after on the other side of it. Every fiber of her being told her this was the end and for the first time in her life, she feared the end – she had something she wanted to live for more than duty and honor and service.

She loved and that made living worthwhile.

But she couldn’t tell Liara. She couldn’t tell anyone. She had to maintain a face of strength, even with impossible odds. If she lost hope, she knew her crew would give up and that was something Shepard couldn’t let happen.

Eventually Liara released her and gave her a wan smile as she took a step toward the door.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this from too many people already, but be careful, Shepard. It’s not just Garrus that would be lost without you.”

“Liara, I –“ Shepard didn’t know how to respond. There was so much she wanted to say, but time was up. “Thank you. Thank you for never doubting me.”

She simply watched as Liara tossed her a sad nod and ducked past the sliding door of the cabin.

With her friend gone, Shepard turned once more to the open drawer and searched for the other charm she came to find. After a few seconds of digging, she found it.

 

_“Take it as a reminder, Commander. In the darkest hour, there is always a way out.”_

 

That phrase had stuck in her head since her dream about her father. Her subconscious mind used the vision of her father to remind her of it, but she had finally remembered where she heard it first.

Those were the words Eve had left her with when she gave her the crystal that had been the krogan female’s saving grace during her shaman trial.

 _This is definitely one of my darkest hours_ , she thought. _I could use a way out right about now._

Tossing the small crystal in the air, she caught it again and placed it snugly inside her uniform – right next to the tiny replica of Garrus Vakarian, his miniature visor melted to his face.


	29. It Gets Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incoming tissue warning for mournfulbliss - from here to the end, most likely. <3

Her good luck charms weren’t working.

Shepard hadn’t anticipated having to be dropped off to take out the Hades cannons herself. Her stomach plummeted when Cortez’s ship was hit, and the relief she felt when she heard his voice was incomprehensible. With renewed vigor, her team had fought through Reaper forces successfully and knocked out the Hades cannon. A small victory, but a victory, nonetheless.

Shepard’s first mistake in that moment had been getting her hopes up – for a few brief seconds, she had actually thought they might win.

But everything since then had presented obstacle upon obstacle. Murphy’s Law was in full effect. The only reason Shepard kept her cool was because she had to for her team. She refused to let Garrus and Tali or anyone else she might come in contact with see the fear in her eyes.

After establishing the forward operating base and contacting everyone on her team, Shepard had given one of her famous speeches. Somehow she found words to say – words that she didn’t believe but that she knew her team needed to hear.

Behind her team, she saw one person who could tell she was lying. The Major she had met earlier with Anderson….Coats was his name. He was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, watching her. She could tell he knew that the words leaving her mouth were bullshit, but he said nothing.

She knew Garrus could see right through her, too. His blue eyes missed nothing.

After making her way through the city, they had finally reached a Thanix missile truck. Shepard had allowed herself yet another glimmer of hope, but again kicked herself for the luxury. The first two missiles had missed and Shepard’s heart sank as they exploded in the ground below the Reaper Destroyer.

They had to bring the Destroyer closer.

 

_“It’s going to get worse,” her dad said, breaking the silence._

_Shepard sighed. “I know. I’ve known for a long time, I guess.”_

_“Just…whatever happens, don’t give up, Lizzie Baby.”_

_“You know I won’t, Dad.”_

_“I know, but I wanted you to hear me tell you.” He paused and looked down at his hands. “There’s something else I wanted to tell you while I’m here,” he said slowly. “Something you need to remember.”_

_Shepard said nothing. She stared at her father and waited for him to explain. Eventually, he stopped fiddling with his fingernails in his lap and met her gaze._

_“In the darkest hour, there is always a way out.”_

 

“Tali, to your right!” she cried out as a brute charged toward her quarian friend. Tali ducked just in time as the brute missed her by an inch. “Garrus, cover Tali. I’m going around the back!”

Shepard could tell Garrus didn’t like her going off on her own, but it was the only way. The amount of Reaper forces coming after them was insane. She wasn’t sure they could hold their enemies off much longer. She dodged blasts from the Reaper’s beam, panting as she crouched in cover. She glanced to where she had left Garrus and Tali, relieved to see them still alive as she reached for the M-560 Hydra she had seen on her way to the truck.

She took a deep breath, aimed for the banshees she saw closing in on Garrus’s position, and fired.

Her breath let out slowly as she watched the banshees crumble to the ground with matching shrieks. Garrus’s blue eyes turned to find her and she smiled at him.

But the moment was short-lived. A Harvester had come into view and Shepard’s stomach churned as she ran back down to join Tali with Garrus at their backs.

 

_“In the darkest hour, there is always a way out.”_

 

She was attempting to make the phrase her mantra, but the way out, if one even existed, seemed perilously dim.

Four brutes came charging from the north quadrant of the intersection and Shepard motioned for Tali to take cover at a new position. She was attempting to flank the crowd of Brutes as well as the Harvester and distract them from her team, giving Garrus and Tali a chance to fire everything they had at the onslaught.

Two of the brutes caught on quickly and began to charge her. Shepard ran as fast as she could and jumped over a broken down ledge for cover, but she had nowhere else to go.

_“Targeting is online. Reaper is within range,”_ EDI’s voice said over the comm.

”You’ve got to be shitting me,” Shepard said as she peered out of cover to find a way to the truck. There was no clear path. She was simply going to have to make a run for it.

_“Shepard, don’t even think about it…”_ she heard Garrus’s voice, but it was too late. She jumped up and sprinted as fast as she could.

“Cover me!” she yelled as she reached the truck and began to program the controls. Tali and Garrus converged behind her, firing constantly at the crowd of Reaper forces surrounding them.

“Firing!” she cried. She held her breath as she crouched in cover next to Garrus. Briefly, their eyes met and he reached for her hand.

_Please_ , she thought. _Please…_

She hazarded a glance at the Destroyer and her eyes widened in amazement and disbelief.

It had worked!

The missiles fired straight into the heart of the Reaper.

“Hit ‘em with everything you’ve got!” she screamed into the comm. Her heart jumped as they watched the Destroyer explode before their eyes.

_“Destroyer terminated!”_ EDI said.

“Nice work, EDI,” Shepard replied. She couldn’t help the grin that briefly crossed her face.

_“Shepard. We’re on our way to your location,”_ Anderson said.

“Roger that,” she answered. She turned to see a tank approaching from behind. Anderson descended from the vehicle and called to her.

“Shepard. Over here.”

And there was that dangerous feeling again. Hope. She felt it as she watched the man who had been like her father walk toward her. Seeing him alive after so many weeks fighting on Earth was a miracle in itself.

_Miracles_ , she thought. _We could use one more miracle today._

“Thank god you made it,” Anderson said.

 “It didn’t look good…” she huffed.

She walked toward the barricade with Anderson, keenly aware of Garrus’s eyes and ears on them nearby.

“It gets worse,” Anderson continued.

Somehow she had known he would say that. She had known all along that this fight would only get harder.

“Of course it does,” she said, resigned to whatever Anderson was about to tell her.

“Hackett just reported in. Several Sovereign-class Reapers – including Harbinger – have broken off from the battle with Sword. They’re headed here.”

“Harbinger?” An image flashed through Shepard’s mind. An image of the Reaper she killed on Rannoch and a deep voice warning her of things to come.

“It’s an opportunity for Hackett to get the Crucible in place,” Anderson explained, “but we have to get a team on board the Citadel to open those arms. Now.”

She couldn’t help it. She chanced a glance at her turian who was leaning against the remnants of a wall behind Anderson. He looked upset, but when their eyes met, she knew he could read her thoughts.

_I’m getting to that beam_ , she thought.

She could almost hear his voice in her head. _Right behind you, Shepard_.

Major Coats piped up. “We still don’t even know what we’ll find when we get to the Citadel.”

“Then that’s our job: find out what we’re up against,” Shepard concluded.

“All right,” Anderson added. “Saddle up, everybody.”

Tali and Garrus were silent as they headed for the tanks. Once inside and seated, Garrus turned to her.

“You know I’m going with you,” he said.

“You’re not leaving me behind, either,” Tali said.

Shepard choked down a sob of gratitude. How she got lucky enough to find friends as loyal as these two, she would never know, but she would always be grateful that they were by her side at every turn. She looked from Garrus’s face to Tali’s mask and back to Garrus again.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” she said as she gripped Garrus’s gloved hand with her own. “We’re in this to the end.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

The tank stopped moving and everyone bailed out quickly.

“Shit!” Garrus heard Shepard say as they saw what lay before them.

Harbinger had made it to the beam at the same time they did.

“We’ve gotta move!” Anderson yelled.

“Come on!” Shepard replied. Garrus didn’t need to be told twice. He followed as close behind Shepard as he could, struggling to keep up with her lithe frame in his heavy armor.

Garrus cried out as he watched Shepard stumble when a beam from Harbinger struck the ground nearby.

_Don’t you dare die on me now, Lizzie_ , he thought. _We’ve come too far for that._

He continued to chase after her, watching her take long strides, almost as if she were flying over the ground.

Until another beam hit and shook all of them off their feet.

He watched in horror as one of the tanks flew into the air in front of Shepard, threatening to crush her beneath its weight. She slid on her side, just barely missing the collision.

He was so busy watching out for Shepard, that he didn’t see what was happening just to his left. Another tank came flying through the air, but this time it was headed straight for him. Garrus managed to push Tali out of the way, but he felt his leg break as something struck him below the knee. He looked to the side as pain shot through his leg to find Tali engulfed in the flames of an explosion.

“No!” he cried, reaching for his friend.

Despite the pain shooting through him, he managed to get to his feet and nearly collapsed with relief when he saw Tali moving. She appeared dazed, but relatively unharmed. In that same instant, Shepard came into view, ducking beneath flying debris and running toward them. She looped his arm over her shoulder and took cover behind one of the upturned tanks.

“Normandy, do you copy?” she said into the comm. Her voice sounded more frenzied than he was used to on missions. She was always so good at maintaining her composure. He looked into her green eyes to find them darting from side to side, and he was sure she was looking for any way to get them to safety.

“I need an evac right now!” Her second sentence had a hint of panic beneath it.

Garrus wanted to comfort her, but the pain in his leg was excruciating. He felt himself shaking with shock. It was all he could do to stop from crying out.

The Normandy came into view not a moment too soon.

Tali appeared partially recovered from the explosion and was at least able to walk herself to the waiting ship. Garrus leaned on Shepard for support, trying not to put any weight on his leg. He almost let himself relax when they reached the ship, but his relief quickly dissipated when he heard Shepard call out to Tali.

“Here. Take him!”

Tali turned around and grabbed Garrus’s arm, looping it over her shoulder as they started up the ramp. He couldn’t control his own feet and practically fell into Tali’s waiting arms.

“Shepard!” he protested.

“You’ve got to get out of here,” she replied.

_No…not now_ , he thought, despair setting in.

“And you’ve got to be kidding me,” he said, disbelieving what was happening.

“Don’t argue, Garrus.” Her green eyes were stern, set. He tried to meet her gaze, but knew that no matter what he said, she wouldn’t give in.

But he had to try.

“We’re in this to the end,” he grunted as another jolt of pain shot through his leg, but he refused to look away from her.

“No matter what happens here,” she said, walking towards him, a waver in her voice, “you know I love you. I always will.”

She caressed the scarred side of his face. Garrus reached up and gripped her hand, his heart aching with a pain he couldn’t describe. He couldn’t fight her. He was injured. There was no way he could stop her from doing what she was about to do.

A lifetime with Shepard passed before his eyes in a moment. He saw her the way he had seen her thirteen years before – her small, young form the only bright light in a dingy club on the Citadel. In his mind’s eye, he remembered how she had looked at their chance meeting three years ago, walking up the steps of the Presidium Tower and meeting his eyes with a surprised look – the meeting that had changed his life forever. He saw her N7 emblem emblazoned on her uniform when she showed up on Omega to save him from death. He saw her the first time he held her in his arms and took her to bed. He saw the way her shoulders shook when she cried in his embrace, a side of her that he was sure no one else knew.

He saw those green eyes, the ones he had looked into less than a day before as they had shared their last intimate moments in the quarters that had been their makeshift sanctuary from the war.

He saw a future with the woman he loved – a future that was slowly disappearing as he looked into his Lizzie’s eyes and knew that he couldn’t stop her.

He didn’t know how he could let her go, but part of him knew that he had to. Part of him knew that this was always the way it was supposed to happen – that it was their destiny. Her destiny.

“Shepard, I…” He didn’t want to say the words. It made the whole surreal scene before him seem too tangible. Too final. “I love you, too.”

She smiled.

It was his smile. The one she saved for him. The one he loved more than any other image in the galaxy.

The pain in his chest gripped him with agonizing fear as she stepped away from him, her blonde waves flying around her pale skin and framing those bright green eyes.

_Spirits, don’t let this be the last time I see her._

“Go!” she yelled. He was still reaching for her as she gave him one last look before turning toward the beam – running to meet her fate and save them all.


	30. When She Makes It to the Beam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep those tissues out. ;'(

_What have I done?_

The door closed with finality in front of him. Garrus felt an overwhelming sense of panic rising from his toes to the tips of his fringe.

_I just let her go…how could I let her go?_

“No!” he yelled as the ramp locked in place. Tali struggled to hold him upright. “No! Put me back down there!”

He scrambled against Tali, trying to break free without hurting her.

“She can’t go on alone!” he cried. “I won’t let her go alone!”

He could hear Tali sobbing next to him.

“Garrus, please…” she said. “Don’t fight me.”

“Tali, I can’t – Let me go!”

“Garrus!”

“I have to get to her! I won’t abandon her now!”

He knew he was too heavy for Tali to hold up. He fought against her, pushing her away. He tried to make it to the ramp controls, but collapsed as pain overtook him. His leg was useless.

“Kaidan, send some people to help me get Garrus to the medbay,” Tali said into the comm, grief clearly written in her voice. He felt Tali’s hand on his shoulder as she bent down to him on the ground.

“Garrus, there’s nothing you can do.”

He hung his head in anguish.

When Chakwas arrived with two soldiers who could help carry him, Garrus could see the syringe in the doctor’s hand.

“No, doctor,” he said, shaking his hand at her as the soldiers helped him to his feet. “Don’t put me under. I need to hear her voice if she…” he choked down the words.

He had let himself use an “if.”

Garrus shook his head and started again. “I need to hear her voice _when_ she makes it to the beam. I want to be awake when it happens.”

Dr. Chakwas studied him closely. Finally, she put down the syringe and nodded.

“Take him to the medbay,” she said softly. “Tali, you’re headed that way, too. Let’s get you two patched up. You’re no use to the Commander like this. And _when_ she gets back, I’ll have you ready to meet her.”

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

The moment she put Garrus back on the Normandy, Shepard had never felt so calm in all her life.

She knew he would be safe. She knew she could make it to the beam. She knew what her purpose was.

But now, as she found herself on the Citadel, she thought maybe she was just in a bad dream. Anderson’s voice had woken her and with his voice came the pain. She could feel blood seeping from multiple wounds and she was sure that several bones in her arm were broken.

She pushed herself off the ground and took in her surroundings. This didn’t look like the Citadel – or at least any part of the Citadel she recognized. The Keepers were there and piles of human remains were all around her, but the Citadel? She saw power chords that reminded her of the Collector base and the stench of burnt and dying human flesh was so overpowering that she nearly vomited.

Anderson’s voice led her forward.

_“I followed you up,”_ he said.

_Followed me up?_ She was confused. Had she really blacked out that long when the beam spit her out? She hadn’t seen anyone in front of or behind her when she got to the beam, but it was possible, she guessed. Clearly, he was here now, regardless of whether she had seen him near her on the ground or not.

_“We didn’t come up in the same place,”_ he explained. _“Or at least I don’t think we did.”_

That made sense, sort of. But then Anderson described a chasm which she found as well. _If we didn’t come up in the same place, how did he see this?_

She shook her head and pushed herself onward, struggling to walk. There was a stabbing pain in her foot that matched the throbbing in her arm. _It’s the pain_ , she thought. _It’s making it hard to think. I’m sure Anderson is right._

When she finally reached the Admiral, he looked strange, as if he couldn’t control his own movements. As Shepard moved forward, she realized she was having trouble controlling her body as well. She chalked it up to the pain, but as Anderson spoke, she realized that it was something more.

“Shepard….I can’t –“

He was walking towards her, barely managing to stay on his feet. The closer he came, the more her head rang with strange noises. She recognized the noises as she shook her head, trying to clear her mind of the echoes. She had dreamt those sounds…so many times. The nightmares where she woke up in cold sweats only to find Garrus awake next to her, watching her with concern in his blue eyes. The whispers that had plagued her dreams for months.

And now they were here. All around her.

And she was awake.

Then she heard _him_.

“I underestimated you, Shepard.” The Illusive Man.

_How the fuck did he get here?_

_The Reapers…they brought him here. He’s working with them._

She knew that explanation should make sense, but something about it nagged at the back of her mind. The pieces weren’t fitting together.

The closer the Illusive Man got to her, the more her mind clouded, her senses fogged. She was having trouble forming coherent sentences in her own head. As he came into view, Shepard’s eyes widened at the change in his appearance. Clearly, the Reapers had wreaked havoc on him since their last meeting.

She was struck by how different he looked. Even with the voices whispering in her mind and her confused senses, she had seen him on vid comm only the day before. What a rapid change the Reapers had worked on him – his eyes glowing in the strange light of the Citadel, his skin mauled by synthetic corruption.

_The Reapers…He’s working with the Reapers…their indoctrination is…controlling him._

The voices were stronger, more persistent. The Illusive Man continued to wax poetic about his ability to control the Reapers. Shepard was not convinced. Despite the immense pressure she felt physically and mentally, she knew that what the Illusive Man claimed to want was not possible.

“Look at the power they wield!” he said. “Look at what they can do!”

Shepard had lost control of her arm long ago when the Illusive Man’s hold forced her to raise her weapon. She had fought the invisible influence of the Reapers since he appeared, but there was one thing he had right. The Reapers were extremely strong.

The weapon she held fired.

Her heart nearly stopped as she realized she had shot the man who had been like her father for years. She didn’t hear much of what was said the next few moments. All she could think about was that she had held the gun that shot her beloved friend.

“Listen to yourself!” she heard Anderson say to the Illusive Man. “You’re…indoctrinated!”

The Illusive Man seemed to be struggling now, his own mind seemingly as confused as her own – perhaps worse. She still believed she at least controlled her mind if not her trigger finger. The Illusive Man had lost control of the only thing she had left – her own thoughts.

She sensed a change in him and took a shot while his defenses were down.

“It’s not too late,” she pleaded. “Let us go. We’ll do the rest.”

“I…” he was struggling with his words. She could see him trying to fight against the Reapers’ control. “I can’t do that, Commander.”

“Of course you can’t,” Anderson said. “They own you now.”

The Illusive Man took a step behind the soldier and pulled out his weapon. Shepard’s heart dropped as she knew she was powerless to stop what was about to happen. All she could hope for was that her words would somehow turn the Illusive Man from doing what she feared he planned to do.

“You…you would undo everything I’ve accomplished,” he said. “I won’t let that happen.”

“Because of you, humanity is already undone,” she said.

“That’s not true!”

The rising pitch of the Illusive Man’s voice gave Shepard hope – hope that she was getting through somehow.

_There it is again_ , she chided herself. _Hope…Garrus…I’m trying…when…when…when…_

She slowly chanted the word in her head and allowed herself the luxury of a hopeful image to go along with her heart’s yearning – an image of what Garrus’s family’s home looked like on Palaven, Garrus’s arm around her as they surveyed a war-ravaged land healed by peace-time after the Reapers’ defeat.

Shepard lashed out with newfound anger. “They have the Citadel! They’ve got us fighting each other instead of fighting them!”

“I just need to –“

“You’ve done exactly what the Reapers wanted!” she cried, feeling some sort of control return to her mind as her rage rose within her. “You’re still doing it because they control you!”

“I…They’re too strong!”

“You’re stronger!” she pleaded. “Don’t let them! Break their hold! Don’t let them control you!”

“I tried, Shepard.” His voice was softer than it had been before, his eyes somehow sad. Shepard watched in horror as the Illusive Man raised the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.

A few seconds after the Illusive Man fell, Anderson collapsed to the ground in front of her. She found she had more control over her limbs with the Illusive Man dead. Painfully, she made her way to the control panel and programmed the Citadel arms to open. With a sigh of relief, she fell next to Anderson as Earth came into view.

“Commander,” he said.

“We did it.” She almost started laughing. The relief she felt as she watched the arms open wider was palpable. For years, she had waited for this moment – the moment where she could rest as they finally won the war against the greatest enemy the galaxy had ever known.

“Yes, we did,” Anderson replied. “It’s quite a view.”

“Best seats in the house,” she said between spurts of pain.

“God…feels like years since I just sat down.”

She knew exactly how he felt. Since the meeting on Palaven years ago, Shepard hadn’t had a day of rest without worrying about Saren and eventually the Reapers. What would it be like to live a life without fear?

 

_“Okay Garrus…_ when _the war is over, we will get married on Palaven.”_

 

“I think you’ve earned a rest,” she smiled, but her smiled disappeared when she saw Anderson nodding off next to her. “Stay with me. We’re almost through this.”

“You did good, child.” Her heart fluttered in her chest. She had only dreamed of those words from her father. Hearing them from Anderson was almost as good as the real thing. “You did good. I’m proud of you.”

She felt a tear run down her cheek as she stared at the planet above them.

“Thank you, sir.” She turned and a second tear followed the first as she realized that those had been Anderson’s last words. “Anderson?” She made one last attempt to wake him, but she knew it was pointless. He was gone.

_“Shepard. Commander!”_

Hackett’s voice?

“I – What do you need me to do?” she said, pain wracking her body again.

_“Nothing’s happening. The Crucible’s not firing.”_

She tried to stand, but fell over, agony shooting through her limbs and squeezing more blood out of the wound in her side.

_“It’s gotta be something on your end.”_

She looked up at the control panel.

_It’s not over yet_ , she told herself. _Garrus…I can crawl to that panel if it means that Garrus will be safe…_

_“Commander Shepard!”_

“I don’t see – I’m not sure how to –“

 

_“Just…whatever happens, don’t give up, Lizzie Baby.”_

_“You know I won’t, Dad.”_

 

Blackness enveloped her vision.

_I’m sorry, Garrus, Dad, Anderson…. I’m so sorry. I tried…_


	31. Meet Me at the Bar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tissue warning remains in effect.

“Wake up!”

The pain wasn’t gone. Her body ached all over, even in places she didn’t know existed until this moment. She could feel every beat of her heart as blood pulsed painfully through her veins. Somehow, she managed to pull herself to her feet.

In front of her was a holographic image of a boy.

The same boy she saw the day Earth was attacked.

The same boy who had haunted her dreams for months – the dreams where she heard voices and saw shadows and –

She shook her head attempting to clear her vision. She was sure she was seeing things. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.

“What? Where am I?”

Her mind felt clearer than before. The voices were gone. She looked around to try and orient herself, but she still didn’t know where she was or how she had gotten there. Anderson was gone and she was in a strange room by herself with this ghost of a nightmare in front of her.

“The Citadel,” the boy said. “It’s my home.”

She looked in front of her and saw the beam that had brought her up from the planet’s surface. Surrounding the beam were support pillars, each of a different color.

“Who are you?” she asked.

“I am the Catalyst.”

This was all too much for her. She listened as the vision of the boy explained his purpose to her. He was a sentient being – a visible representation of the creation of the Leviathans.

The intelligence that was a “solution.”

“The created will always rebel against their creators,” the boy explained. “But we found a way to stop that from happening. A way to restore order.”

“By wiping out organic life?” she questioned.

“No. We harvest advanced civilizations, leaving the younger ones alone. Just as we left your people alive the last time we were here.”

The boy continued to explain his mission – his directive. He spoke of cycles and variables and choices. He told her that no one had ever made it to where she stood before. That she was the first. She wasn’t sure what made her so damn special, but she took him at his word.

But something was bothering Shepard. Something still didn’t fit…

_The created only rebel when they feel threatened_ , she thought. _The geth only rebelled to preserve their own lives._

_Self-preservation_. She stood up a little straighter as the realization hit her. _This is all about self-preservation. The Leviathans created the Reapers to preserve their own civilization. When the Leviathans realized their mistake, it was too late and the Reapers rebelled to preserve themselves as well._

_Everyone just wants to survive…_

She pondered the three options the boy had presented to her.

Control was out of the question. She could hear the Illusive Man’s voice in her head, goading her on, telling her it was possible to control the Reapers. But as she thought about the knowledge she gained from Leviathan and reflected on what had happened with the Illusive Man over the past three years, that path reeked of corruption and impossibility.

The synthesis option intrigued her, but thoughts of Saren plagued her. Saren had wanted to be improved – to be synthesized. Shepard remembered how well that had worked out for him.

Besides, was the galaxy really ready for her choice to be imposed on every living individual? Did she have the right to force everyone to evolve? Even the boy – the Catalyst – had mentioned that attempts to synthesize galactic life had failed before when people weren’t ready. Was the galaxy so different this time?

Wasn’t she the one who told Garrus that she was fighting for the right of everyone to choose their own paths?

No, synthesis was not an option.

To destroy the Reapers seemed to be the only real possibility. But the boy told her that synthetic life would be destroyed. All synthetic life, not just the Reapers. EDI and the geth would be lost. Here she faced another crisis of conscience. Did she have the right to sacrifice so many lives for the sake of the majority?

Legion had been alive. EDI was alive. The geth were alive. They were fighting together.

They were friends.

But Shepard remembered Aratoht. While that had been one of the most difficult decisions she had ever made, she had been willing to sacrifice the few to save the many.

How many soldiers and friends had she herself lost in this war?

She thought of Ashley and her willingness to go to her death to save others.

She thought of Thane and his personal sacrifice even when he had finally gained a reason to live.

She thought of Mordin who willingly gave his life for an entire species’ continuity.

But they had all chosen to die for others. Did Shepard have the right to sentence living beings to death?

She may not have the right, but she did have the option, and she knew it was the only option that didn’t stink of Reaper influence. The whole situation felt like a trick – it was clear to her that controlling the Reapers and synthesizing all organic and synthetic life were simply ploys of the Catalyst, ploys of Harbinger, to _survive_.

Even now, the Reapers were still trying to control her – to force her to aid them in their quest for self-preservation.

In that same moment, she realized that her choice would probably claim her own life as well. After all, wasn’t she partially made of Reaper tech? Her cybernetic implants were created by Cerberus and a group controlled by a man indoctrinated by the Reapers.

No matter what choice, she knew she would die, but at least she could leave the maximum amount of people free to choose their own destiny.

Step after agonizing step, she moved forward. With each footfall, she wasn’t sure she could take another, but somehow she pressed on.

She turned to the right, her hands shaking as she realized she was firm in her choice. Her resolve was set. The Reapers would finally be ended.

But at what cost? Would it be worth the sacrifice of so many?

She shook her head, refusing to think any longer on that topic. This had to be done and she was the only one who could do it. She would not allow the cycle to continue.

Finally, Shepard reached the platform. The red tube was in range.

She raised her weapon and fired.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

With each shot, her strength grew. She felt her cheeks spread as a weak smile began to form on her face.

She stood up a little straighter, almost running now as she fired again. And again. And again.

The tube exploded in front of her. She knew nothing but the heat from the flames, a smile still on her face as a final thought passed through her mind.

_Meet me at the bar…_

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

_“All fleets. The Crucible is armed. Disengage and head to the rendezvous point.”_

He heard the Admiral’s voice over the speaker in the medbay, but refused to believe what he was hearing.

“Where is Shepard?” Garrus cried. Chakwas looked at him sadly. Tali placed her head in her hands in the bed next to him and sobbed. “We’re not leaving without her!”

He punched a command into his omni-tool.

“Kaidan! Do _not_ obey that order!” His voice was rising in fear. “I am the executive officer of this ship and I’m ordering you to stay put. We are _not_ abandoning her here!”

The comm was silent for a moment.

Garrus held his breath.

_“I’m sorry, Garrus_ ,” Kaidan replied. The line went dead.

Garrus let out a guttural roar. He struggled to his feet and hobbled to the door. The doctor had kept two marines with her and now Garrus knew why. He fought against them with everything he had, broken leg be damned. He was going to get to that cockpit and stop Joker from obeying that order.

He felt two sets of strong hands grab him and drag him away from the door.

“Let me go! I am the commanding officer of this ship. We are not leaving here there!”

But they didn’t listen to him. Unable to stand on his own two feet, Garrus felt powerless in the grasp of the two strong marines. He punched and kicked with his good leg. He tried to bite at the hands that grabbed him, but it was to no avail.

When the ship lurched underneath him, he felt a sharp sting in his neck and all went dark.


	32. The Bar Will Have to Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter - I can haz moar tishoos plz?

The throbbing in his head was what woke him.

Garrus rolled his head to the side and opened his eyes. The lights in the medbay were dim and next to him, he saw Tali sleeping peacefully. There were a few other soldiers – Wallace, Carmichael, Jones – nursing minor wounds in the corners, crouched down or lying on the floor with closed eyes.

Or at least eyes that avoided him.

Chakwas had her back turned to him. He rustled slightly in the bed, attempting to sit up. The noise he made startled the doctor and she turned to look at him. Jumping out of her seat, she ran to his bedside.

“Garrus,” she said softly, “you’re not ready to get up yet.”

It was then that Garrus realized he couldn’t move his arms or legs.

“Restraints, Doctor?” he asked with a huff.

“You really scared us, friend. An angry turian is no trifle to be messed with.”

“What happened?” He didn’t want to waste anymore breath. He wanted – no, he _needed_ to know where they were and where Shepard was. “Where’s Shepard?”

“We…don’t know,” Chakwas sighed, still meeting his gaze intently.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Garrus felt his voice rising and Chakwas’s hands on his arm, attempting to calm him. “We have to go back to her. I’m not leaving her there to –“

“Garrus, please, shhh. Let me explain, and don’t wake the others. Tali is going to be alright, but her suit was ruptured. She needs her rest. Your yelling isn’t going to let her heal very quickly if she doesn’t get it.”

Garrus’s face softened and he looked to his friend next to him, still sound asleep on the bed. He sighed and laid his head back.

“Fine, just explain quickly,” he said. “And get these damn restraints off me.”

Chakwas studied him carefully without moving. Finally, she must have seen the look in his eye that promised he wouldn’t do anything stupid. She pressed a button and Garrus rubbed his wrists with relief.

“Shepard armed the Crucible,” Chakwas explained, sitting on the side of his bed. “We don’t really know how, but she did. For a while, the Crucible didn’t fire, but while it was arming, Hackett ordered us to the rendezvous point.”

“I was awake for that, Doctor. I remember.”

“Yes, of course. After you were…sedated…Kaidan followed Hackett’s orders and attempted to leave the Sol system. We made it through the Charon relay, but that’s all I know for now. Whatever Shepard did – whatever type of weapon the Crucible really is, it fired an energy pulse that has spread over the whole galaxy, using the relays to travel. Joker tried to outrun it, but the Normandy’s engines only go so fast. I’m pretty sure that we are one of the only ships to actually make it far enough to get through the relay, but the truth is –“

She paused and looked away from Garrus and down at her hands.

“We don’t really know where we are at the moment. When the pulse hit us, it damaged the Normandy’s propulsion systems. Joker managed to keep us from dying, but we have crash landed somewhere past the Exodus Cluster relay.”

“And Shepard?” Garrus cared about where they were, but what he really wanted to know was where his Lizzie was and if she was safe.

Chakwas looked back up at him with tears in her eyes.

“We can’t contact anyone, Garrus. The comm buoys aren’t responding to us. We don’t know what happened on Earth. From what we could see of the Reapers as we fled, the pulse appears to have destroyed them, but after that….we just don’t know.”

Garrus clenched his fists and hung his head. This couldn’t be happening. After everything they had been through together, after all the things that had separated them, his own carelessness and a broken leg had kept him from being with Shepard to the end.

He tried to get up from the bed, but Chakwas put a hand on his shoulder.

“You may be free from your physical restraints, Garrus, but I have tapped you up to some pretty strong sedatives here. Don’t make me push the button and knock you out again.”

“I have some business to take care of,” he said through gritted teeth.

“And what business is that?” she asked.

“Kaidan….” He couldn’t say anything more, but Chakwas shook her head at him.

“Garrus, you know she wouldn’t want that. He was just following orders. The last thing Shepard would want you to do would be to take out your anger on him for doing what he was supposed to do.”

“I won’t kill him.”

“Just rest, Garrus. Please. Get yourself back to full health. You are still the XO of this ship. Kaidan has said so and admitted that when you are back on your feet, you will be in command. You know he did the right thing. Let’s get you healed up and back in control of this ship.” Chakwas leaned in closer to him. He looked into her eyes and found a sharp glint behind their steel.

Her voice was lower and intense when she continued. “And then you will lead us back to Earth so we can find the Commander. Everyone on this ship wants that and _you_ will get us there.”

Garrus wanted to believe that what Chakwas said was true, but he also knew he couldn’t will himself to rest right now. His fear and grief were too overpowering, so he nodded at the doctor.

“Knock me out,” he said. “Help me sleep and heal as quickly as possible.”

Chakwas pursed her lips, but did as he asked, pressing a few buttons after which Garrus felt the cool fluid flow into his veins.

As sleep overtook him, he saw her eyes again. Those bright green eyes staring back at him from the surface of Earth.

 

_“You know I love you. I always will.”_

 

“Always have, Lizzie. Always will…”

She smiled at him again in his mind – the smile reserved only for him, and Garrus couldn’t help but smile back.

_Hold on, Lizzie…Hold on. I will come for you…You’ll never be alone…_

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

 _She woke with a start. Glancing around, she found herself back in Anderson’s apartment –_ her _apartment. But reaching behind her, she missed the warmth of the turian who shared her bed._

_He was gone. She was alone._

_She swung her legs over the side of the bed and listened carefully. There was a noise coming from downstairs._

_It was that music again. The piano._

_She nearly flew out of the bedroom and down the stairs._

_There he was. She nearly cried out in joy when she saw the back of his blonde head in front of her. Running to him, she wrapped her arms around Adam Shepard and he chuckled as he stopped playing the peaceful, yet melancholy song._

_“Well, hey there,” he said._

_“Dad,” she whispered into his shoulder as he gripped her hands on his chest._

_“You did it,” he whispered back, leaning his head against her chin. She pulled back to look at him._

_“I did?” she asked._

_He sat up and pulled her down onto the bench next to him. “Yep, you did, Lizzie Baby.”_

_“It worked?”_

_“In a manner of speaking, yes. There are consequences for the choice you made, but it was the right one.”_

_“So…” she looked around her at the apartment. In her haste, she had failed to notice that this time the apartment was empty. None of her friends were passed out on couches or in bedrooms._

_And she had woken up alone._

_Garrus. Where was Garrus?_

_“You’re not dead,” Adam Shepard said, studying her face closely._

_“It’s still creepy you can read my mind.”_

_“You’re not dead. Not quite. But almost.”_

_“How can I be almost dead?”_

_“Very carefully.”_

_“This is not a time for jokes, Dad. What’s going on?”_

_He didn’t answer right away. He just looked at her sadly and raised a hand to stroke her cheek. She leaned into his touch and stared back at him, their matching green eyes mirroring the other’s emotions. Even though she knew that these feelings were really just illusions, cruel tricks played by her subconscious while she slept, his touch felt so real._

_“You have a choice,” he said quietly._

_“I thought I made the choice already,” she said, confused._

_“You are on the brink, Lizzie. You can stop fighting, or you can go back and finish what you started.”_

_“Finish what I started?” she asked, still bewildered. “I thought you said we won – that the Crucible worked.”_

_“It did, but the Reapers are not your only enemy. You know that. Deep down, you’ve known it for a long time.”_

_And she did know it._

_“I have to go back,” she said softly. Her father nodded at her and dropped his hand._

_“That’s my girl,” he replied. “I knew you would make the right choice.”_

_“How do I wake up?” she asked, feeling tears course her cheeks as she knew she had to say goodbye to her father again._

_“It’s in your pocket.” He smiled at her._

_“What is? I don’t –“ She looked down at herself and found she was wearing her armor, not her comfortable civvies or even her Alliance dress blues. This wasn’t like the last time she had dreamt of her father. She was still wounded. She looked behind her, a line of blood tracing past the fireplace and up the stairs. Trembling, Shepard pressed a hand to her side and looked at her fingers, warm, red liquid coating her skin._

_Her father’s eyes were sad when she met his gaze again. He nodded at her slowly, pushing her onward. Her fingers found the familiar weight of two objects in her pocket. One made of plastic and metal; the other she pulled out and looked at in the dim light pouring in from the Citadel alley outside the apartment window. Holding it up, she marveled at how it reflected the light and appeared brighter than everything around it._

_“I told you before…in the darkest hour, there is always a way out.” His eyes pleaded with her, begging for her to understand. Adam Shepard’s large hand gripped hers and with it, gripped the crystal that she grasped tightly between her slender fingers._

_“There’s too much for you to live for, Lizzie Baby. Go back. Find Garrus. Be happy._ Live! _”_

_Her cheeks were wet, but she understood._

_“Please play for me, Dad. One more time before I go.”_

_He said nothing in response, simply turned and gently stroked the keys. The melody haunted her. It weaved itself into the basic fibers of her mind, coursing through her in a way that felt like home._

_She tried to hold on as the strain faded, grasping in her subconscious for something – anything –  to keep her rooted in the dream, fixed to the piano bench next to her father._

_Her hand suddenly felt hot. She looked down to find the crystal she held glowing white. Before her eyes, it burned hotter and hotter until she wasn’t sure she could hold onto it anymore. She looked over at her father to ask him what was going on, but he wasn’t looking at her. His head was bowed over the piano keys, his eyes closed, his ears ignoring her as the crystal in her hand exploded in a flash of light._

_She cried out as the light hit behind her eyes._

It burned.

That was the first thought she had. The burning sensation started in her lungs and spread to the rest of her body. At first she thought she was over Alchera, floating powerlessly toward the surface of the planet below, but she soon realized that she wasn’t floating. She was painfully still and everything was dark.

All she had done was take a breath, but with that breath came awareness.

And pain.

So much pain.

Her arm was still broken. Her legs were twisted beneath her. She was crushed beneath something heavy, she wasn’t sure what. She couldn’t feel her right foot.

She couldn’t see.

But she could feel. Oh, she could feel.

The dream was starting to fade, but her father’s melody remained. With all the resolve she had left in her, she used her good arm to reach a trembling hand into her pocket. It took several tries, but she found what she was searching for.

 

_“In the darkest hour, there is always a way out.”_

Her hands shook almost uncontrollably as she fumbled with the crystal tucked in her pocket.

 _A way out_ , she thought as another breath brought renewed fire to her lungs. _I will find a way out._

_Garrus…hold on…you’ll never be alone…_

_The bar will have to wait._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some thank you's are in order as I close Part 3 of this project.
> 
> First, NancyK - I love you so much! Thank you for putting up with all my errors and being a fantastic beta. You are a true friend in life and I could not have done this without you.
> 
> Second, thank you to all my readers/fans/critics/haters/lovers/internetfriends/imaginaryfriends/etc. for following along with me on this adventure. This has turned out to be so much fun - even more than I imagined. I can't believe the overwhelming support and help I have received as I embarked on this totally new journey. I had never written fanfiction until this series. Thank you for your kind words, comments, kudos, hugs, and feedback. It all has meant so much to me.
> 
> Finally, the big reveal:  
> When I first envisioned this as my own personal project for fun in my free time, I never imagined the response I would receive. Over the last few months, the feedback has been so positive and several readers have asked me for more. I originally planned a simple epilogue chapter to wrap things up and tie up any loose ends. I don't believe that is sufficient anymore. I have fallen in love with this Shepard and this Garrus and with the backstory of their relationship. I have decided to write a concluding part of the series - a post war fix-it, if you will. It will, perhaps, be the biggest installment of this series to date, and clearly the greatest challenge for me so far, since the plot and all its flaws will be entirely my own (although, as always, characters and credit to Bioware and thanks to that fabulous company's continued support of fanfiction).
> 
> I hope that those of you who have enjoyed reading this will follow along with the new fic as well. I have begun working on it and hope to post very soon. 
> 
> However, if you prefer to end your reading here and would like to imagine your own ending for this story, I have left the ending fairly open for you to imagine what you will.
> 
> Thank you, everyone, for all your support! I hope to see you all in Part 4!
> 
> Internet hearts and hugs for all!  
> -Kabiviolet


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